Things CAN get worse...

[Beec]

The funny thing is, R is not welcome at her house. She loves her son, but R had a falling out with his stepdad (her husband obviously) and they cannot even be in the same room together. So when we'd go by her house, when he was in town, he'd stop and I would jump out and go tell her we were there and she'd meet us outside. But I am very welcome there...she wants me to come by often.

 

For R, this does not seem that strange to me. It just doesn't seem weird that when your child pulls things that sooner or later, you shut him out. I have had people very close to me I have cut off from contact for certain things. An immediate relative called me a up a few years ago swearing at me, and I did not speak to that person for months. So, this does not surprise me.

[BornToResist]

As for R and his stepdad...I guess they never really got along all that well, but his stepdad owns a company that R always wanted to work for. He finally gave R a job (I used to work there, that's how we met) and things just did not play out. I was around at that time and his stepdad did a lot of messed up things, but I think it was R that ultimately burned the bridge. His stepdad is also a stubborn man and kindof took advantage of R while he was working there (I did view this all biased because I was madly in love at this time) but I don't think R was in his right mind whatsoever so they just had a falling out. Now neither one of them will admit they were in the wrong or do what it takes to make it right, although I'm not entirely sure of all the history that's between them...I'm sure there's a lot more to the story that I'm unaware of.

 

I'm still feeling good and very optimistic at the moment, but that goes on and off. I'm staying busy and that's definently a good thing. It also helps that whenever I go to reach for the phone, I get an if-looks-could-kill-I'd-be-dead glance from my sister-in-law and I have to tell her who I'm calling before she'll leave me alone. She knows how hard this part is for me and gives me that extra kick in the butt.

 

Although...I did talk to R once last night (I know, I'm just asking for it...). He called to confess his undying love for me yet again and I just told him the same thing. I know I need to just cut contact otherwise this isn't going to stop but I really didn't faulter, other than answering the phone. He told me sob stories...he's getting kicked out of his apartment because he couldn't pay the rent. He's been there for one month. I naturally feel bad for him as you would about anyone going through a hard time, but I am so happy with my decision and the fact that I'm okay with a steady roof over my head. No more upheavals for me anytime soon, unless it's under MY terms.

 

As for the next month or so, I just want a very boring life. It's been a while. So hopefully I won't have a whole lot to post about. I'm planning on taking it easy and I can tell I'm in that nesting phase because all I do is clean and organize. I'm getting heavy and uncomfortable so I'm just going to sleep and take it easy while I can.

 

I'm also going to enroll in school (I kinda dropped out of HS and only need one semester of one class to finish, although I have about 2 years of college under my belt) so I'll have my diploma before the baby is born, which is my main goal. I'm also going to take a medical terminology course since I plan on going in that direction. I also have to get all my ducks in a row the next couple of months, like buy a car, crib, and have a nice little nest egg going on in the bank.

 

I'm actually getting dreams and goals of my own now that I can easily accomplish, instead of having to pour in every ounce of energy to find ways to pay rent and feed 3 mouths. It's such a relief.

[Dilly]

Oh I'm so happy for you! Your focus is so healthy and ahhhhhhhhhh, goosebumps!!! I know you will finish adn set your sail in the right direction. It's funny how I'm feeling more enthusiastic about my career as well, something else to focus on.

 

I hate to say it, but I want your R to self-destruct and suffer the consequences of his poor decisions. Being down on your knees as life holds you at gunpoint is sometimes the only way to see what it's worth and to dig yourself out of the situation.

 

His need for sympathy, support (financial, emotional, social, and spiritual - wanting you not to have a God) is nutz!

 

I think your kindness to him is just fine and your calls and concern, fine. Just keep your distance physically and don't get wrapped up in setting him up for an easy life. it's on him now. Makes so much more sense now why he was so mad at you knowing that he was not going to make rent and would get booted soon from his place. MMMMMMMM, he is such a wreck waiting to happen but change won't happen unless his current infrastructure (whatever that is in his own mind) collapses. DO NOT SUPPORT HIM IN ANY WAY OTHER THAN EMOTIONALLY AND DO NOT LET HIM PAINT HIMSELF A VICTOM BUT DON'T POINT OUT THAT HE'S TO BLAME EITHER. Just be loving and let him come to his own demise and understanding about the way this here world works.

[Hope75]

Glad to hear you have some really ambitious short term goals, BTR, it's great to have that plan in mind and to do what you can to accomplish it. I think it'll give you a much needed boost in your self confidence.

 

OK.. so you picked up the phone when R called.... everybody has weak moments but just remember that ACTIONS speak louder than words... big surprise that he's getting booted out of a place to live AGAIN.... he's so freakin' irresponsible it's mind boggling, a 30 year old guy who's a father X 2 and can't keep it together. What happened to that great paycheck he was getting? Blowing it on Meth?

 

Anyway, no more drama for you, mama. Take it easy and focus on yourself and your life now.... you are doing great.

[BornToResist]

Rant #84625

 

Feeling weak....

 

So R and I...well we haven't really talked about anything important, but somehow we're on okay terms. I don't know how to be "mean" to him and it seems like that's what I'm eventually going to have to do. He's being so nice again and I'm keeping busy...I'm rarely home and even if I am, he doesn't think I am. I talk to him once every couple days and he still tells me he loves me and about how he wants to wake up to me every day again.

 

I don't want that still. I'm starting to feel guilty about it. His games are working.

 

He's going to come out to my town tonight and he said he'll call me and take me to a movie...I told him I wasn't sure what I was doing yet. He's going out to dinner with his mother, so I'm pretty much hoping she tells him everything and he gets mad at me again so I can just cut it off without this crappy feeling he puts on me.

 

I don't know how to change it. Maybe I do...but I'll feel like I'm burning a bridge. I hate doing that and we're going to have constant contact so once again there's that optomistic view coming out in me, but I know it's short lived because he always ruins everything. Once I'd start to trust him or rely on him, he'd hurt me again. I know I don't want to let him. Why can't I just continue to stick up for myself?

 

My co-worker knows everything that is going on and keeps putting little notes around my desk...like "I'm awesome, who you are is up to you!" and one by my phone that says "my baby comes first" so when he calls I won't give in...again. I was watching a movie with my brother and he kept saying how he hates the kind of guys on the movie (they were like R) because all they do is cheat on their women and they never change. He knows that I'm letting this guy get to me again, and although thinking about that made me want to cry, I know he's right. NOTHING WILL CHANGE.

 

Why couldn't I just break up with him and be done? Why can't this just be over? My co-worker also compared him to a tape...at the beginning it's mean and angry and makes me feel bad, then towards the end it's sweet and happy and says nice things. I always have to rewind it. It's always the same. I know she's right and I feel I'm kind of expecting it in a really sick way. I understand that he's sweet right now so I'm soaking it up, but I know that he's going to be mean again, so why can't I burn our bridge then? I KNOW WHY THOUGH. Then he'll just get nice again and suck me back in.

 

I need to break the cycle. It is up to ME. He is stuck and obviously cannot change who he is...we already established that...but it is my presense that is enabling him, once again. I put up with all he does, so why would he change? Answer: he wont!!! It's not surprising and I can bet money on what is going to happen and it only makes me feel crappy so I need to end it and follow through.

 

Is it this hard for everyone?

[Dilly]

Yes, it's hard, extremely! It's hard to separate out our deep desires (that our partners will be reliable, loving, trustworthy, faithful, sensitive, exciting and responsible) from the reality that they all have shortcomings, some which make it impossible to carry on a reasonable relationship.

 

I know where you're coming from. I understand your dilemma and your heart's desire to bring baby up in a stable environment with R and his daughter and live an adult life, happy to have crossed the bridge over troubled waters.

 

You can have these things only if you maintain your strength. He is the one that has to change and you are the one who has to maintain distance until he does. You don't have to be mean, just let him know the if/then's. DOn't deal with his emotional outbursts - just say, "I'm sorry, but I'm not going to tolerate your tone/temper/comments" and head toward the door.

 

REMEMBER HE'S DANGEROUS though. I'm actually scared he will hurt you. He's a control freak, one who uses physical force to restrain you. He's not trustworthy. Most would tell you to get the hell out of dodge and never look back! That's reasonable and you know that.

 

Would he go to abuse workshops, counselling? He needs it. My biggest concern is your physical safety. Then, emotional well-being. I also worry about your baby, but I'm sure he will be fine, if and only if you rearrange this equation:

 

R- + BTR-pregnant = drama

 

to

 

BTR-pregnant - R- = stability + R- doing lots of work on himself --> R- + BTR + baby

[rocio]

Don’t be too hard on yourself. It will take time and when you’ve had so much that you just can’t take anymore, you will leave the situation for good. Try not to expect too much from yourself. Maybe you could slowly break away from him, bit by bit?

 

You just sound like you’re putting alot of guilt on your head. Anyone would find the situation difficult. You deserve praise for how far you have already come, don't forget that.

[BornToResist]

Thanks, but it seems that it's within my power to cut it off...and I just haven't followed through.

 

Bottom line is this guy is horrible for me. He is mean, verbally and emotionally abusive, selfish, and just plain rotten. He's on this vicious cycle of mean, nice, mean, nice and I'm accustomed to it and that's just plain disgusting to me.

 

I know what I want. I want peace and quiet. I want boring and alone. I don't want to deal with him at all...I don't want another one of his bad days. Last time I was there I was afraid of him. And that wasn't the first time.

 

I just hate seeing someone have a "hold" on me, I feel so weak and pathetic. He has proven time and time again that he doesn't care about how I feel at all and TRIES to hurt me and break me down. I don't have an answer as to why I'm letting someone do this to me when it's obvious I'm getting nothing from him but emotional scars. I'm healthier when I'm away from him but I always give in.

[Dilly]

Yeah, and it's when we don't listen to our inner urges to stop drinking the poison that we commit emotional suicide. You know you want to extract yourself from this guy. As NIKE would have you, just do it.

 

It sounds like more than ever, you are ready. But I get the feeling you need something and I don't know what it is. Like you're wanting your own place?

[Beec]

BTR, I think in some ways you probably don't know what you want. Yes, peace and quiet is one thing you would like, but it might just be that peace and quiet, or a guy who lets you have peace and quiet, is a sexually attractive to you as eating (I don't know, but rice cakes are pretty tasteless to me, so I'll say) rice cakes. Rice cakes may be good for you, might be exactly what you need and you may think you want them, but in the end when your taste buds get nothing from them, you begin to crave (let's say) twinkies. Twinkies are awful for you, but they taste so good.

 

It's actually pretty simple, a guy who does not value himself, is not attactive. But R is a guy who seems to value only what he wants, and only what he wants in an immediate sense. He engages in behavior and treatment that does not seem to comtemplate at all what happens because of how he behaves. A guy who is a teenager will sometimes act like this, having sex with any woman that will let him, eating, drinking and smoking whtever, etc., etc. Still he should have some idea that if he acts in a certain way, it will scare, hurt, etc. someone else. An adult male, a MAN, should have some understanding that his immediate needs are not good for him and/or the ones he cares about. R has seemingly avoided facing the consequences of his own behavior. That may be for a number of reasons, and maybe you could allow a younger R, say 15 some leeway. But he should not get it, he's an adult now, and what he does is only his responsibility.

 

Now, there is some root cause, I think to R being the way he is, but you cannot solve that. Yes, I think he has self-esteem issues and does not know any other way to be. That cannot be your problem. If and when he wants help with them, then maybe you can offer some assistance. If and when he's got a lot of his destructive behavior under control, you can offer him friendship. Not until then, if that day ever comes, sometimes it does not. Only then will he be able to be a real friend.

 

In the mean time, I'd think about what it is you want, and learn how to roll or at least look for it, all in one package.

 

If you examine the first idea I mention about a guy valuing himself and how a guy acting like a jerk does do that, then you begin to see what such things did to how you felt, and maybe then they won't anymore.

 

You still dream about the ideal with R, your baby and yourself, but that's not a near time reality, unless R has a big change of heart and mind.

 

Hang in there.

[BornToResist]

Sorry guys for all the same ol same ol drama....

 

He wanted me to go to dinner with his mother and then perhaps a movie. I left it up in the air because once again, I didn't want to rock the boat by telling him no. I just called him back and told him I wasn't feeling up to it and he got SO MAD. He said "are you having fun with this?" and I told him I didn't feel like talking about this stuff while I was at work. He called back about 2 minutes later and said "I don't give a **** if you don't want to talk because you're working, give me an answer!" Then he started asking if there was anyone else, am I breaking up with him, do I care about him at all, blah blah blah. I had to tell him about FIVE times "I do not want to talk about this while I am at work" and he would continue on with his crazy antics. ARG. He finally asked when would I want to talk about it and I replied when I was not at work and he said he'll wait for my call or some crap like that and hung up.

 

I AM SO SICK OF THIS. If I call him he's going to act like an evil child hopped up on candy and not back down and insist that I play by his rules and all of that again. I just don't want to deal with it AT ALL. If I break up with him, he's going to go over the edge. Maybe I'll try not giving him an inch and just calmly tell him I refuse to talk to him when he acts the way he is acting. Yes, no?

[Hope75]

Hey BTR,

 

I'm a bit confused- didn't you end it with him officially last week?

 

Why is it that he thinks you are still together?

[BornToResist]

Because I didn't follow through.

 

He'd call me and I'd act okay with him instead of just telling him to get the picture and hanging up on him I guess.

[Hope75]

Oh, that makes more sense.

 

So I guess it all boils down to what you want.

 

You seem to give me the impression that you don't tell him how you really feel because you are afraid of his angry reaction- is that right?

 

But... if you are with someone whom you are afraid to express your feelings with... what is the point? It seems your reasons for not just coming out with it are the very reasons you SHOULD be coming out with it.

 

I KNOW you have the strength in you to follow through... I'm curious why you are balking about it still.

[BornToResist]

You are exactly right. There is no point. You hit the nail on the head. But for some reason it just doesn't stick and I get stuck in this rut.

 

 

He just makes me feel so terrible and guilty for not wanting to be in this...I know I'm not trapped but I feel like I keep hitting a brick wall in a sense. I'm probably just making it way harder than it needs to be.

 

If I tell him how I feel and it's not what he wants to hear, he tells me that my answers aren't good enough and just has me in loops and I get so confused. Then I feel so bad and he'll play the nice guy and I'll go back to square one.

 

I really don't want to fight. But in order to do that, I have to keep my mouth shut and drive an hour in the rain to be somewhere I don't want to be.

 

I'm just afraid that after all is said and done, I'll end up where I'm at again and I don't want that...I think I know but I'm not completely sure where I go wrong every time...OR he's going to just hound me and make my life harder. I'm so nervous and that means he has the power already, but it's only because I allow him to have it. AH I'm so conflicted I don't know why this is confusing. I'm making this way harder than it should be.

 

I KNOW I don't want to be in this situation, but I have the power to change it. I can stop this if I want to. It is in my control...I don't want to be this victim and live in misery and fear anymore. There can be happiness in my future. I need to be strong for me and my child...

 

My horoscope:

A social event could put you in touch with someone who's carrying around a lot of bitterness and anger. This probably won't be very pleasant for you, as this person could well see you as the perfect listening post for all their problems. Don't feel you're trapped! Be polite, but make your excuses as soon as you can. There are other friends present whose company you'll enjoy a lot more!

[Hope75]

Your horoscope is eerie.

 

BTR, yes, you have the power. You can put a stop to this any time you want to and be done with it. It really is that easy. You can end things, and if he tries to harass you, you can call the police and get a restraining order. R is on probation already, he likely doesn't want any more trouble with the law so he should behave himself. If he's stupid enough to push it- he'll go to jail, and if he keeps it up, that is where he belongs.

 

The thing about this is he has you so broken down you don't even trust yourself and your own answers. He'll tell you your answers aren't good enough because it's not what he wants to hear and he KNOWS if he digs enough you will cave. You can change this too- by saying it's over and sticking to it.

 

Just as he's shown you with his actions how he really is, you need to show him with yours, how you really are- true to your word, confident in your judgement, and strong enough to say what you mean and follow through with it.

 

Wouldn't it be so nice to just end it right now and be done with it?

[BornToResist]

Thanks Hope. You really do give me SO much strength. It means so much to me that you still give me great advice and I don't feel stupid when I keep getting sucked back in.

 

UPDATE....

 

Okay so I finally did it. Again. But it seems more real this time.

 

R insisted on coming out here to talk to me, although I tried to get him to just leave me alone. I met him at a coffee shop and we went and talked in his car. He wanted an answer as to if I want to be with him or not, and I told him I didn't think I could trust him anymore. He wanted reasons, so I listed them ALL. I even gave word-for-word conversations and you can't really argue with someone who remembers every word you said. I got really mad again and brought up all the times he wasn't there for me or lied to me or decieved me...how he chose his ex over me and all the evil things he yelled at me that he can never ever take back. I told him I can never forget and I just can't get past it because I know things won't change.

 

I started crying and telling him how alone he made me feel and how I do love him but I am so mad for everything he put me through and I'm not going through it again. He kept asking me what I wanted to do but I just couldn't answer...it was all pretty dramatic. He said "you don't want me anymore but you can't tell me...is that right?" and I said yeah. We both cried for a really long time and I feel SO HORRIBLE about watching him be so upset.

 

I know in my heart that he doesn't care...he watched me cry and LAUGHED about it. I know this is the right thing.

 

He told me he'd call me in a few months. He said he was sorry because he knew it was his fault. He's the reason it turned out this way and he knows I didn't do all of this. He said he's not mad or upset although it is easier when he is. He told me he would marry me tomorrow if he got another chance. I STAYED STRONG. I AM STRONG. I knew I could do this.

 

He called when he got home because I was pretty worried about him...he was devastated and he always falls asleep when he's depressed so he told me he got home safely. Then he told me to follow my heart, not my head. Funny thing is I've been telling myself to do the exact opposite. My heart is what messes it up...I know in my head what I need to do.

 

I feel so sad but I know it's for the best. I can't call him because that would only mess with his head so hopefully this is it.

 

I didn't think I'd feel this depressed about it though. I have to keep reminding myself that I want this and about all the terrible things he put me through.

 

This is what I wanted. This IS what I wanted. I can finally be done with the drama and focus on my health and my baby. But I'm so sad.

[scarew]

After skimming through this thread for the last couple of days, I must say that I am SO proud of you. KEEP IT UP. He doesn't deserve a second (or third or fourth) chance. Stay away from that awful man honey. He probably didn't even take you seriously and thinks that you're going to come crying back to him. NO WAY SISTER. You're about to prove that wrong. Maybe in like 5 years he will have grown up and you guys will be in a better place. But the only contact you need with him right now depends on when that baby is born. He says he will fight for the child, but given his personality type I doubt he will be motivated enough to do that. Don't talk to him until the baby is born. Then it can be up to him if he want to be a responsible parent and visit the child and pay child support. This sounds harsh but my guess is that if you are out of sight you will be out of his mind and he might not even bother. Then it will be YOUR choice to contact HIM if you want your child to see his/her father even if he is a jacka$$.

 

Don't feel bad about being upset. Of course your heart is what is messing you up. When you're in love with someone, even if they are the biggest jerk in the world, you cannot expect your heart to fall out of love right away. It's not like a switch that turns on and off. Today you will think about him all day, tomorrow will be less, in a few weeks you will only think about him a once or twice, then before you know it your only thoughts toward him will be for the concern of your child. Then and ONLY then can you make the right decision on how to go about including him (or not) as a parent.

 

STAY STRONG. He doesn't deserves nothing more than your silence. Stay away from him altogether, hang out with your family and friends who love you and make you feel good. Spend time with your tummy. XOXOXOXOXO

 

Cheers,

Sarah

9 1/2 weeks

[Hope75]

Hey BTR,

 

((HUGS))

 

I am SO PROUD OF YOU! You did it! You said what you needed to say, you stuck to your guns- even when R pushed your buttons you still stood your ground.. that must have been very hard. But you did it. So Proud of you!!

 

I think it's pretty normal that you feel sad and I would expect that you will grieve for this relationship. For a long time you had alot of hope that things would turn around and that R would realize he was ruining a good thing. Now you are faced with the ugly truth that he's just not. I was there too- when I left my ex of 5 years- even though he had put me through hell so many times and left bruises on my body and my soul, and nearly killed me, I still cried for him and for us when I ended things. NOT because I wanted him back, but because I grieved for what I KNEW he could be... if he ever got his act together. (FYI it's 8 years down the road, he's married with a young child and still an alcoholic, drug addict, and he beats his wife- it's very sad but it totally reinforces why I left him- I've now been with a wonderful guy for 4 years this Monday!)

Then he told me to follow my heart, not my head. Funny thing is I've been telling myself to do the exact opposite. My heart is what messes it up...I know in my head what I need to do.

This is just another digging comment telling you not to pay attention to your common sense and the BIG RED FLAGS being thrown up all around you. It would be so easy to 'follow your heart' right back into that mess and be right back where you started- but your head tells you that you deserve more, that you are worth more, that your baby is worth more, and today you made a choice for both of you that will improve your chances of that so dramatically.

 

I just want you to know that you can and should have hope that a wonderful man who will be ready to treat you and your son like treasures is out there waiting for you and when the time is right- he will be there, and you will have your self esteem back and be ready to accept being treated like you deserve. There is nothing as empowering as taking back your life and claiming your respect and dignity... to this day I am still proud of when I left my ex.

 

((HUGS)) to you- you are SO strong!

[southerngirl]

Im very proud of you!

 

Your going to be sad. This is going to hurt like hell, but your doing the right thing! Stick to your guns, we are all here pulling for you!

[Dilly]

I'm proud of you also, BTR, but honestly I think I find your situation so oddly familiar to my own (even though my Robert doesn't use drugs, ect, but has his own issues with selfishness and immaturity) that I actually experience pain reading your posts (if only because it would hurt me too). GOOD LUCK.

[Beec]

BTR, you know and I know that an R that shows up being the man he can be would have a shot, but what you told him and why needs to sink in for him to hit bottom. You did what you had to do, and he seems to have reacted well, except for the laughing part.

 

It might not have been laughing at you though.

 

You know there will be some contact in the future. There should be, it's his child. Stay strong.

[BornToResist]

Sunday I went shopping with my mom and got most of my Christmas shopping done (me, the ultra-procrastinator!).

 

R came by after I got home. He brought me roses, a card, candy, and a bag of baby clothes that he told me I couldn't take that one horrible night where he said all those mean things to me. He said he made me a CD but he couldn't get it to work yet and he bought me something else that I was "long due" for. That's nice...but...what?

 

About the day he said those mean things and stood in front of the door...he said that he was being an immature A-hole and throwing a stupid temper tantrum and he was really embarrassed by the way he acted (or something similar to that).

 

He told me he will do anything he can to make things up to me and I deserve the best. He said he knows he's treated me terribly for a really long time and he doesn't want to live without me. He asked me if I could imagine raising this kid with anyone else, and I told him I don't plan on doing it with anyone and he is the father and I'm happy if he wants to act like one. He said it tears him apart to think of me doing this by myself or another guy ever coming into the picture. I shrugged. He said he's no one without me and all that other sweet stuff.

 

I didn't really know what to say...I nodded my head, gave him a hug, I was really nicer than I should be. I don't want to be enemies, even after everything I don't hate him. I might not like him, but I don't hate him at all. But I didn't say that we're together or anything about the future. I basically let him speak his peace. I don't know if I did the right thing or not, but I was pretty shocked.

 

I could have turned him away and told him to get lost, but that's really not like me. I do care for him and although I have to protect myself, I just have a hard time doing something to hurt someone. I guess. I don't know.

 

I'm really confused now. I don't want him to think all is forgiven and forgotten because it's not. I haven't called him and don't plan on it. I have a doctor's appointment that I didn't even tell him about because I intend on doing this by myself and don't see how some flowers and candy (although MUCH appreciated) can make things any different.

 

I'm not quite sure what I should do.

 

****About the laughing thing...He didn't do it when I broke up with him. He did it one day a couple weeks ago when he was trying to hurt me and break me down, I was just reminding myself of how he acts when he sees ME in pain.****

[Beec]

BTR, you will have to let him know that the stuff he gave you, changes nothing. And you can tell him, that you cannot let that kind of stuff sway you. You have, or will have a child soon, and what decisions you make have to be based on what is good for your child and many of the decisions are going to have to be based on what is good for you also. That means no unhealthy relationships, no drugs, no being around people who do drugs to the extent you can avoid it, etc., etc. If R is ever going to haeva chance with you a few things need to happen:

 

1. No drugs;

2. Job, real job, work at it, make it a career, etc.;

3. Be able to take care of his own affairs, you cannot be his parent too;

4. None of the emotional outburts, tantrums, etc. (they may happen, but they need to be very few and far between);

5. He needs to show he cares about you and your child all the time, make the right decisions with that in mind;

6. And he will need to become someone you can like and respect, because right now, the respect is just now there;

7. And then, maybe, maybe we can be friends, it willstart as being friendly, because we should, as we have a child together;

8. And finally, if you are friends for a while, a long while, and things are good, and you are both single, and he has done all of the foregoing, who knows what may happen.

 

But all of the foregoing will take a long while, because you will need time to trust him. Just getting to 7 will take a long time, because there is no trust and respect.

 

No promises, no nothing. R standing up and being the man he should be, might, just might interest BTR, but do not be waiting for him either.

 

He does not know how to be that man. He really has no clue. It's said to say that about him at 30, but there are a lot of men (and women) who don't know and had lousy examples. But he needs to elarn, because you really need to get him to 7 above, you do. I don't know about 8, I don't know if you can patch up this mess. But getting to 7, that's what will be best for your child.

 

You can have your own list, as you see fit. It's you who needs to make it and stick to it. Be resolved. Stay strong.

[Dilly]

The scary thing to me is that he's scared youre going to meet someone else. He's projecting his intentions onto you. He is rapid cycling between mean and nasty and nice and sweet. I think you are doing the right thing. Only he can change the direction of the boat he stranded himself in.