Things CAN get worse...

[Dilly]

Beec, you're awesome!!!

[Beec]

Beec, you're awesome!!!

 

Thanks Dilly.

 

And maybe Dilly should have her own list for her guy. It would be a different list, but it might helphim get the message. I don't know if you expect perfection on either of them, but you do expect effort.

[Hope75]

BTR,

 

I agree 100% with Beec on this one.

 

The gifts are nice gesture, but an easy, quick fix gesture, as are the words that he said, the words that you've heard 100 times before in different situations. Those words don't mean squat until and unless they are backed up by actions, and we're talking months and months of actions that are consistant, reliable, and unwavering.

 

This really isn't anything he hasn't done before- it's easy to buy some baby clothes and flowers and make you promises he hasn't been able to keep.

 

Beec is right- let your words have some weight, let them sink in. Let R feel the consequences of his actions, and see if some time apart continues to see him working on himself to be a better parent and potential partner. Like Beec said- He needs to stop the drugs first and foremost, get his career/job moving, and get control of his temper, once and for all, and keep those things going solid and strong for a long while yet, before you can even begin to trust that he means what he says. So far all he's been is a windbag full of promises he can't keep.

 

I really don't see that anything is different this time, and I don't think you do either, because you weren't easily swayed.

 

Keep up your strength!

 

As your coworker's sign says: "My baby comes first". And you come right along after him.

[Beec]

As your coworker's sign says: "My baby comes first". And you come right along after him.

 

I don't think the two are very distinguishable, right now. You being well is necessary to your baby being well. A set of screwed up parents is one of the surest ways to screw up a child. You being well, and stable, etc., etc. is a key to your child being healthy and well-adjusted.

 

A piece of that might also be a well-adjusted and stable R, but you cannot control that part of it. Let's just hope it happens, soon.

[BornToResist]

I'm very stable and happier with my living conditions, although it is absolutely nuts at my house. Too many people under one roof. I haven't been able to make my room my own because my brother's stuff is still in there and it's driving me crazy. But at least I have stability and I'm able to save money (no rent!) which is an amazing opportunity. It's funny though because I still find myself with the same habits I had before when I paid all the bills...I constantly scrounge for money (even though I have a nice savings) and still have that "I'll pay this bill this month, that one next month" attitude. I'm so hesitant to spend ANYTHING, even though I really don't have to worry about it.

 

I don't know about R. He's moving out of his place this week and will be living in a motorhome for a couple of weeks. That cycle is starting over.

 

He'll be at the beach and when he's surfing and living that lifestyle, he's very calm and clear-headed (and no drugs) but I wonder once again how someone can get to that point over and over. It takes SO much to dig yourself out. It's so exhausting. But how can someone do that every month?

[rocio]

Sounds fun.. living in a motorhome and surfing all day. I would seriously love to do that. Sounds like paradise.

 

But he's a father now. That should take priority over surfing and hanging out on the beach. Is he planning to contribute financially to the child? It sounds like your lives are going very quickly in two different directions.

 

And how long do you plan to stay at home? It can be a great option as long as you feel good there. My sister, along with her husband and child, live with my mom. It's a great arrangement since she saves money and has a live-in babysitter. But do you feel comfortable there?

[Beec]

BTR, you are stable, when you are not being brought down by R. I think if I read through this thread, I'd find that for the most part, your outlook is good, your emotions are usually up, and your frustration is down, except right after some drama with R.

 

So, the only changes you are probably seeking to make is in how you deal with him and hoping for some change in R. You may want to change things like your room and where you live, too, but relationships wise, you want to change how things have occurred with R, and that may mean how you deal with him, or how he acts. And that's what most of this thread has been about. And I think you are getting clsoer and closer to the first part of that puzzle. As far as the second part, we can only hope.

[BornToResist]

Yeah we did the whole motorhome thing last year, and it was alright at first, but there is absolutely no way to save money. It drains your bank account, and it's getting colder and it starts to really suck after a month or so. Not to mention he already has a seven year old who needs more than that in my opinion. I just know how hard I had to work to get us out of that, and how tired you get of having sand every possible place you can imagine without being able to get away from it.

 

You are definently right about our lives going separate ways. They have to right now. We partied a whole lot, we planned trips, we surfed all the time...I can't do ANY of that at the moment. He doesn't quite seem to understand that. It is frustrating for me because I feel I'm being limited which I already don't like and he just doesn't seem get it.

 

We haven't talked about money at all. I really don't know what to ask him because I'm kind of already expecting the shorter end of the stick. He already pays child support to baby mama #1, plus he's spread too thin everywhere else. *sigh* I don't know. I kind of expect to do it myself anyways.

 

As for living with my mom...I want to be there when the baby is born because I'm going to have SO much support. My brother intends on moving, but he's a procrastinator. But if they don't, I still have my own room and they will be so much help to me. I won't have to worry about anything really. I vent here and there, but generally everything is a lot better than it has been in a very long time.

 

Then after life calms down a little bit, I could go get my own place. That is always an option, but I'm taking advantage and using this situation to save and stuff.

 

Beec, you are right. Everything else I have under control, I'm just baffled over and over by R. He really throws me for loops and I just want to make it better. BUT I don't really know how.

[Beec]

Beec, you are right. Everything else I have under control, I'm just baffled over and over by R. He really throws me for loops and I just want to make it better. BUT I don't really know how.

 

The best you can do is not going to make it better. The best you can do is provide some motivation and a guide for him to make it better. He has to want it. I think he needs to want something he cannot have and needs to know how to get it. My suggestion with the list might tell him the path he needs to follow. The motivation, let's hope that comes.

[Hope75]

BTR,

 

I went to a seminar at an acute detox facility today and they talked alot about drug addiction and alcoholism and a little bit about what it's like for the addict.

 

The lecturer has been an RN on the detox floor at this hospital for 30+ years and she knows addicts and addiction very well. For us, she likened it to being in a relationship with someone you think is 'the one', who you drop everything and everyone for and go to at a moment's notice without regard for other things. She said for an addict that drug or drink is like their dream partner, they idealize it and rationalize it and would put aside any and all for it- including a stable place to live, a job, loved ones, everything comes after that.

 

She stated that these people often have a temper, and are classic for blaming others for any wrong doings (the way R blames you all the time and degrades you- but never admits that he himself has a temper or drug problem). She said they usually dislike themselves so much that it's easier to project anger and disappointment on someone else- than to face themselves and the fact that they have a problem... because hearing that, and facing it, means that they have to take action.

 

She said that no matter where they are in life, what they are doing, what detox they go to, voluntary or forced, if they are not ready to make that commitment and value it and stick to it- it ain't happening. She said their situation will not matter- when they hit bottom and the time comes- they will do it because it's what they want and because it means that much to them, and no one can make that happen for them.

 

I thought alot about my ex when I listened and I was almost in tears when they talked about how that person, once clean and sober, and making it work, may later 'pay it back', or somehow contact those that they hurt the most and apologize, try to make amends. (my ex did that a year or so after I left when he was trying to get sober- it didn't last). I thought about you and R too, about what you are going through and how frustrating it is, because it's all on him and his choice, and nothing you do will change that. I remembered feeling that way, and it was so fresh, even though I walked away from him with barely my life, 8 years ago next month. It isn't often that I feel that raw anymore, but it really reached deep inside and grabbed me where it still hurts, if you go deep enough.

I was grateful today for my choice and for my life now- and I thought about you and how you will be someday too... when things have calmed down and you are watching your child play in a safe and stable environment and you don't hurt or ache anymore for what might have been if only R had changed.

 

I just wanted to say how proud I am that you removed yourself from that because she stressed that in the end we HAVE to protect ourselves and often that means removing ourselves (and any children) from the situation and into safety, and watching or hearing of that one we care about totally destroying their lives. It isn't easy- but you and I, and others on this site are living proof that it saves us, and in the end we WILL be OK.

[BornToResist]

Thank you so much for sharing that. It sounds like a very home hitting seminar. It's so scary to think that someone's mind can work that way. They will sacrifice ANYTHING and I can't understand it.

 

I remember using and how much I enjoyed it, and I probably sacrificed more than I should have for it. But I remember the hold it has...but I fought it once I felt it instead of giving in. I understood how those things can happen. It's so scary. I have no intention of ever being around that stuff again because I won't put myself into a position where I could slip. But I wasn't addicted. However, R was the reason it got out of hand for me on more than one occasion. Even if I said no at first, he'd start talking about the "great" things we would feel and all that, and before I knew it I was driving to pick it up, or we were at some strange tweaker pad. But I'm going to be a mom now, so that's done.

 

It does have a stronger hold on R and he just tries to convince himself that he is better than those people. But he isn't...it was so scary to watch the last time we lived together. I remember telling him "you know all those gross addicts that you hate and feel sorry for? You're one of them and I feel that disgust when I look at you." He seemed shocked, but like you said, nothing changes until THEY are ready to change. It's very sad. And I know that even though his use may have died down or he says he's not going to, he will. He will until he gets help or hits that bottom. Because until then it will be something that he will do "just this weekend" and it will get out of hand and he'll lose his head and become that guy again.

 

He has this friend who we used to hang out with all the time during one of our "dark" times, and he'd give us free drugs all the time...and he went to jail for 3 years or something for it. That guy already said that once he gets out, he's going right back to distribution because he loves the lifestyle so much...so free drugs again for R. And this guy would just show up and drop them off whether asked or not. *sigh* Well you know what will happen, it's pretty obvious.

 

Anyways it sounds like you know exactly where I'm coming from.

 

On a lighter note....I LOVE MY BABY. Already. I put on loud music and he moves all around. I'm so in love.

 

And my friends seem to be coming out of the woodwork. I talked to one of my guy friends online that I haven't talked to in years and he really wants to be close again. I told him everything and there wasn't one drop of judgement...I love people like that. It seems everyone has an opinion these days. I also talked to J (exboyfriend who's pretty awesome) and he was telling me all these wonderful things about how I'm such a cool person that having a child will only make me better...I'll never have trouble finding a good guy, this will just be a "filter" to sort out the selfish a-holes I have recently been attracted to...and how he really hasn't been in love with anyone since me...how he wishes he was the guy that he was able to be when we were together. He also kinda apologized for doing a lot of the things he did that ended our relationship. It was weird but really cool.

 

My night went pretty okay. I talked to R briefly but things were alright. He's still kissing butt.

[BornToResist]

Soft moment...

 

I really miss R a whole bunch.

 

I'm reliving all the good things we went through. I'm missing the good times...the fun we had when we lived together, the times I'd drive up and he'd come out to meet me...when we'd have our barbeque's...and at night when we'd just lay in each other's arms and I'd play with his hair and he would tell me how he loves me and sleeps better now that I'm around...I'd wake up and he'd be nearly pushing me off the bed because he'd be trying to get so close to me....when I'd have bad dreams (all the time) and I'd wake up with him rocking me telling me "it's okay baby, it's just a dream"....aw I'm so sad. I miss making the bed with him in the morning. I miss how he'd come up behind me when I was doing dishes and he'd hug me and kiss my neck. All the little things like when we'd get ready in the mornings or our wind-downs at night. I miss our uneventful Sundays when he'd make me ridiculously huge breakfasts of banana pancakes, eggs, potatoes, bacon, coffee and toast...we'd rent movies and veg out all day or pack our stuff up and go surf...I MISS HIM. We'd blast our music and sing at the top of our lungs when we'd decide to clean house...how we'd break out our guitars and make horrible music. I miss watching him sleep, or when he'd wake up suddenly and grab me to protect me, the phone calls I'd get in the middle of the day for no reason or just to tell me he loved me. I miss the way he smells, the feel of his skin, the way he breathes. He used to make me feel so beautiful. I miss the dreams we had and the places we were going to go...

 

This is so difficult.

[rocio]

It's normal to feel that way, but please try to push it out of your mind.

 

Later, down the road, you can remember these sweet things and feel warm. For right now, it's best that you don't.

[Beec]

BTR, when you are thinking about the good moments and not the bad, staying away from him, etc. won't be easy. But, your not going to forget the bad either, especially if a hint of it shows up in him.

 

Read back a few pages. He's being sweet lately, but you need him to be the MAN almost all the time. Hang in there.

[Hope75]

Awww BTR, it's totally a coping mechanism to think of the good things, that's what made you forget so many times in the past the bad things and how he has changed. That's what made you take him back, only to deal with more drama, anger and abuse. It's ok to have fond memories too, but just keep your head about you and remember who he is now, and that is not a person who loves or respects you.

 

Hang in there girl, it's going to be hard, but it's the best thing for you and for your baby.

[BornToResist]

Thanks for the support guys.

 

I know you are right. That's the only thing keeping me from not picking up the phone. And I know if I did call him, his kindness would stop and I would be his toy again. I would be the weak one who plays by his rules.

 

I was just sitting here at my desk at work and a stupid song set me off. I'm sick AND pregnant (nothing ever seems okay when you're under the weather), and dealing with this just gets a little intense sometimes.

 

 

 

I want it to get easier really really soon.

[Hope75]

awwww girl!

 

((HUGS))

 

Go home, make yourself a warm cup of herbal tea, curl up and relax. Watch a woman power movie, like "Legally Blonde" or something similar!

 

You are very strong and brave- and you are right- nothing has changed and if you call him it will be pain and drama and unhealthy relationship all over again.

 

Be strong- your baby comes first.

[Dilly]

Ohhhh, BTR, I was away for a few days! I'm sorry about all these feelings! I think if he only played by your rules, if he only earned and maintained your trust, then all of those things would become a part of your future! Ugggh, I know what you mean.

[Hope75]

How are you feeling today, BTR?

 

Haven't heard from you in awhile, is everything going OK?

[redrose85]

Hey BTR- It does get easier. And you have your baby boy to think about

[BornToResist]

Haven't been updating because I have been sick. I went home from work Friday and tried to go back today, but had to pull over on my way there cause apparently I'm not as well as I thought I was.

 

I went to the doctor and she said everything looks good, just caught a virus. It's so frustrating because I can't take any medicine that actually works! Arg.

 

Anyways things are alright other than that, catching my Z's while I'm still able. I feel huge and I think I'm 25 weeks...I'm starting to flip out about all the baby stuff I need to buy but I know I'll be okay. I just haven't gotten anything because I didn't want to "jinx" it, but I think it's time to start getting ready some way or another.

 

Other than that....things are good! No drama. R calls and sees how I'm feeling and says nice things, but I'm obviously more than apprehensive. He's loving the whole RV on the beach thing, and I told him enjoy it while you can because that's gonna be over for a while. We're nice to each other and that's that. My life seems pretty boring...just how I wanted it to be.

[rocio]

Sounds like you and R are in a good place. You don't want to cut him off or have hard feelings, since he is going to play a permanent role in your life. I'm glad you can handle his phone calls carefully and not let them upset you.

 

Hope you're feeling better soon. Drink plenty of water and get lots of rest!

[Hope75]

Btr,

 

I'm sorry you've got a bug! That happened to my girlfriend when she was 7 months along and she was so sick too! She said it was miserable.

 

Glad things with R are pretty uneventful and you are getting your rest.

 

Hang in there!

[BornToResist]

I went to a children's consignment store today and OH MY GOSH I am in love. I bought a bunch of clothes...one says "I

 

Anyways every time I think about R, I put in his "username" for all those sex sites in google and I'm reminded of what reality is. It's sad but oh well. On one of them he made a post asking if the site was for real or if hookups actually happen from there, and I had posted saying he was a pathetic piece of poo and other crap...I went on there today and saw like FIVE people backed me up...it was so funny. Others asked why he expected to get girls when his profile clearly indicated he was gay (OOPS haha). It's probably bad karma but it's a reminder for me....

 

That's all.

[Beec]

BTR, As you know, I'm not the one going to tell you to give up hope on R. When he is being sweet, etc., and there is not yet proof of him living up to what he should be as a man,these reminders are good. It keeps sweetness from luring you in. When you being to see some proof of him being the man he should be, and if he expresses some regret about the past, I think then, and not until then, you try to forgive some. Only when he has gone a long while showing you prrof do you try to being to forget. He's not done either yet. But if he has is act together, is being the man toward you he shold be, and the father he should be, and is taking care of himself, then regardless of whether you and him are together, you can THEN try. The sad thing will be that if he ever does get there, it may very well be too late for there to be anything with him. However, he's not worth thinking about in that way yet, and only time will tell. For now, if you feel the pull, google away.