Is this really cheating?

[married1099]

I'm friends with one of my husbands male relatives (just friends) who is 9 years younger then me. We have been friends for two years now.

Late last year it was my friends birthday and hubby was away visiting his mum. Well I helped my friend celebrate and a cousin of his came along. We went clubbing and he got drunk (I was driving so I didn't). It was early morning when we dropped his cousin off and when we got to his house he asked if I wanted to come in for a rest. He said he was going straight to bed but I could go in and talk to him if I want. So I did but he asked for a massage. I thought nothing off it as massages are not sexual for me. Well I did his back then his legs he wanted the top of them massaged so I was doing that and then he kept putting my hand on his balls (slipped them through his boxers) I kept taking them away and going back to the massage. Eventually he got me and I ended up giving him oral. He went and had a clean up after and then came back and sent me home saying we would never mention it. The next day he rang me up to ask me what we had done to celebrate his birthday as he couldn't remember past the first club. I thought I was off the hook but months later he told me he does remember but we never speak of it. Nothing like this has happened again and we are still friends. He didn't have a gf at the time.

I'm wondering that since this only happened once is it classified as cheating? We didn't have sex and he didn't do anything to me.

Is it better that my husband doesn't know about this?

[Batya33]

I think any sexual contact is cheating. I realize you think a massage is not sexual but massaging a member of the opposite sex who is not your brother or father (or other than a fully clothed neck or maybe back massage in public, with people around) or where your husband isn't around is inappropriate and asking for trouble. He didn't "get you" - you made the choice to start the massage and you made the choice to take it to a sexual level. Please don't tell your husband - he doesn't deserve to be subjected to your unburdening your guilt. You will have to live with the guilt and decide whether you are a person who keeps her marriage vows from now on. How would you feel if he did the same thing, and then told you out of guilt?

[PRSOV]

Hi married1099 and welcome to enotalone,

 

I do think what you did was cheating. Why did you feel you had to take it to such a level?.. Did you not thinking touching a member of the opposite sex's genitals wouldn't in fact make you feel like cheating a short time later?.. Usually people only do this when they feel unsatisfied or insecure in their own personal relationships/marriage... Is this true?

 

I do not agree with keeping this from your husband like the previous poster. You want your marriage to be built upon trust, and you need to be honest with your husband even though he has no idea that what has happened... has happened. So I think you should be open with your husband about what has happened, otherwise it is going to drag on in your mind for quite some time until it does eventually come out.

 

In the end it's up to you, but think about how you would want to be treated if you were in your husbands position...

[eyeswideopen]

You cheated, plain and simple. Don't tell him though.

[PRSOV]

You cheated, plain and simple. Don't tell him though.

 

Why should she do this? This isn't being honest and faithful in her own marriage. If you want to have a marriage that is based on lies then go right ahead...

 

What is not telling him going to achieve? You will only feel guilty until you do...

[Upsetwifeofone]

Honesty is always the best policy!

 

Cheating is anything you have done/are doing that is behind your partner's back involving a relationship with another person.

 

I'm sorry, but it is extremely naive to question whether giving another man oral sex is cheating..........I don't know of anyone who thinks that putting another mans genitalia in their mouth wouldn't be.

 

It's down to your own moral values but I'd suggest that telling him would be better than the consequences of him finding out from another source.

[nottoogreen]

Hi Married,

 

Welcome to eNotAlone.

 

Please do not let being flamed by the odd hothead deter you from working with this community on your issues. The link to a related thread below will be of great interest to you.

 

PRSOV, what you say is totally right and one want's to build a marriage based on trust.

 

With the hindsight of experience, having cheated, having been cheated on, I do not concur with rushing to tell. What one does not know, does not make hot.

 

Then, what you mentioned in your post #3 is what is to be addressed as a matter of priority.

 

Here is another thread of interest also to married:

[lunatic]

I hate to agree with prsov on this but, you did cheat. You would want to know if your husband did this to you! I don't think it is fair to leave him in the dark. How would you like it if your hubby went out and slept with your friend?

 

He has the right to know but, don't expect him to forgive you. I bet he is going to want to leave you so weigh your options before you act.

[TheRock]

You already know the answer to that question.

Would you consider it cheating if your husband went and got oral sex from other women? Would you like it?

 

It is cheating, and you should ask yourself why you did this. Don't tell him if was truly a moment of weakness. If you are unhappy and likely to do it again, you need to address the situation with your husband. Judging from your description of the events, you were more than a unsuspecting friend. It seems like you had intentions from the beginning.

 

PS-Massages with happy endings are pretty sexual.

[Skippy]

Dont act as if you are so innocent here married1099. Yuo tounched his nuts more then once (even though you pulled away), then you get him a head job. If that isnt cheating i dont know what is.. YOu (for whatever reasons) enjoyed it too.

My advice, there is a deeper problem with your hubby and your relationship. YOu should look into it.

Your Hubby has the right to know, he really does BUT if you choose to keep quiet wbout this, you will have to accept that one day it MIGHT come up and you MIGHT have to face the consequences then..

If your relationship is going great, shut up and live iwth the guilt.

Another advice, end the friendship as he is a threat and a temptation.

 

Good LUCK. i hope for your sake he doesnt find out.

[Upsetwifeofone]

Sorry, but this bit has played on my mind:

 

The next day he rang me up to ask me what we had done to celebrate his birthday as he couldn't remember past the first club. I thought I was off the hook but months later he told me he does remember but we never speak of it.

 

I'd say he was testing you to see if YOU remembered but obviously needed to "remind" you that it did.

 

This is classed as power, he now has you at his mercy, now think ahead, if he and you/your husband fall out, he can wreck your relationship at any point. He's your husbands relative? He crossed the barrier. He knew you were married and basically got you where he wanted.

 

Can you live life ignorant to the fact that he could crush you if wanted, what if he asks for a repeat performance?

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I ended up giving him oral.

 

Yes, you did cheat.

[Day_Walker]

Yes you cheated, it is your choice to tell your husband or not.

[yeawutever]

Yes, it was cheating. Anything done sexually or romantic is cheating. I would say the best thing would actually be being honest with your hubby, then again, it's your choice to tell. But think of the risk you would put him, cuz any type of sexual contact, in your case it was oral, will put him at risk of contacting an STD's. In that case, you would have to confess, unless you get tested and it comes out clear, then don't say a word.

 

But see, someone else who knows the other man might tell. It would be worst if the man was married too.

[married1099]

In my defence......... I would never have made a move on him. I've given him heaps of massages over the two years we have been friends including infront of my husband, and my friends dad even with friends previous gf around so everyone knows I give him massages. I've also given him massages before when it was just us at his house. Head to toe massages with him wearing shorts. Nothing ever happened. So I didn't know this night would turn out differently. He asked for the massage, he asked me to massage his legs and HE put my hand on his balls with his boxers still on. I kept taking them away. The he was the one that took his boxers off. He made this happen.

 

I did it because I have had sexual feeling for him since the day we became friends. I've known him for 10 years but wasn't a friend till 2 years ago when he was 17.

 

My husband was my first boyfriend and first kiss, first everything. I'd never been with another and I felt that I was missing out. That's why I didn't pull away. I needed it to feel happy within myself, satisified with life. Now I do and I don't feel guilty.

 

I'm still friends with him but don't hang out with him much since he got a gf a few months ago. He's not the cheating type so I'm sure this wont happen again.

 

As for the STD I was pretty sure he doesn't have any otherwise he probably would have told me and I've never seen a cold sore on him (herps). I trust him.

 

Yeh I know he has power over me but he always did that didn't change it. I don't think he'd say anything to ruin our marriage if our friendship ended. He like to be known as the cousin that can be trusted. He'd have too much to loose if he said anything. Not to mention I'm hugely overweight so he'd be ribbed too (ew u did that with a fat girl) so I'm sure he hasn't told any friends.

 

I just don't know why he made a move on me that night. It was probably because he was awfully drunk and forgot who I was. I think he knew what he wanted before he asked me to come in cos at the last club he said I could stay at his house that night. He played with my hair a bit too, but I thought he was just been an annoying pain. After dropping his cousin off he held my hand but I took it away.

 

I just wish I could ask him why he made a move? I want to know why but I can't ask cos we promiced we would NEVER mention it and we both keep promises. It's the why that keeps nagging me not the guilt. I got over the guilt within a week (got drunk when friend and I went clubbing the next weekend and all my guilt barfed into the toilet)

[Iceman26]

He made a move because he was a drunk guy wanting to get his rocks off. You should have picked up on that when he asked you for a "massage" after a night of drinking.

 

Not to be mean, but unless you are a massage therapist, the only man you should be giving massages to is your husband. How would you like it if he went around massaging other women?

[nottoogreen]

Hi Married,

 

I am not here to pass judgement, so I look for leads as to the "why" in your posts.

I like in order of priority to a) Understand and resolve relationship issues, b) prevent recurrence, c) save this family.

 

Now, what can we do?

 

Firstly, at this time, do not tell him (he, his, him refers to your husband) anything. He does not need to know. It was wrong and getting the problem into the open allows you to resolve it, for the greater good of saving the family.

 

This is a bit of reading, sorry. Please have a look at this post and the link within which is about infidelity as well.

 

We want c), the priorities seem reverse because we have to resolve the cause a) in order to be successfull with b), resulting in c).

 

Married, you have to put most effort into a), please tell us more about your relationship and him. Me thinks there is much info missing about what bothered and hurt you and likely him too.

 

 

 

My husband was my first boyfriend and first kiss, first everything. I'd never been with another and I felt that I was missing out. That's why I didn't pull away. I needed it to feel happy within myself, satisified with life.

Above expression of your feelings is interesting. Please let us know about the lack of satisfaction within you and with him.

[Batya33]

You made it happen by continuing to massage him after he tried to get sexual the first time. This is the real problem in this whole scenario - your lack of accountability and responsibility. Do you have trouble like this in your working life too - not being accountable or responsible for your mistakes? I would not be surprised. . . .

[Rabican]

** Hes a man... he has man parts and testosterone. thats why he made a move.

[Upsetwifeofone]

Ok, so there are several points to be picked up on, and most seem to reflect your own self worth/confidence. Not that there is anything that turns this around into not cheating I'm afraid

 

He asked for the massage, he asked me to massage his legs and HE put my hand on his balls with his boxers still on. I kept taking them away. The he was the one that took his boxers off. He made this happen.

Unfortunately, you both had a part in this, he didn't force you, you partook in the event, had it been forceful you would admit it to your husband.

 

I did it because I have had sexual feeling for him since the day we became friends. I've known him for 10 years but wasn't a friend till 2 years ago when he was 17

So you were attracted to this guy?

 

My husband was my first boyfriend and first kiss, first everything. I'd never been with another and I felt that I was missing out. That's why I didn't pull away. I needed it to feel happy within myself, satisified with life. Now I do and I don't feel guilty.

You are admitting that you didn't pull away because you needed to prove to yourself you were attractive to other guy's. This makes you a cheater because you couldn't confine yourself with the man you gave your life virginity to and took your vow's to. You don't feel guilty? That in itself makes me feel that your commitment to your husband is'nt there.

 

He's not the cheating type so I'm sure this wont happen again.

So he could get you to cheat knowing you were married???? He cheated trust with your husband.

 

Yeh I know he has power over me but he always did that didn't change it. I don't think he'd say anything to ruin our marriage if our friendship ended. He like to be known as the cousin that can be trusted. He'd have too much to loose if he said anything. Not to mention I'm hugely overweight so he'd be ribbed too (ew u did that with a fat girl) so I'm sure he hasn't told any friends.

Key words...Don't THINK, means you are not sure.

He like to be known as the cousin that can be trusted Well he certainly blew that theory!

Not to mention I'm hugely overweight so he'd be ribbed too (ew u did that with a fat girl) so I'm sure he hasn't told any friends Turn that around, because some men find it a trophy experience, then again, this worries me that you see yourself as a booby prize.

 

I just wish I could ask him why he made a move? I want to know why but I can't ask cos we promiced we would NEVER mention it and we both keep promises. It's the why that keeps nagging me not the guilt. I got over the guilt within a week (got drunk when friend and I went clubbing the next weekend and all my guilt barfed into the toilet)

Is the reason you need to know because your holding hope for a repeat performance. I'm sorry but I can't comprehend needing to know if you didn't want this to happen.

Both keeping promises, please don't make me laugh. Wasn't one of your vows to your husband to forsake all other's? and isn't there unspoken promises within a family not to cross the line?

I think you should patent your recovery to guilt, if all it takes is to get soooo drunk you can vomit it away then everyone in guilt has a foolproof remedy.

 

I'm sorry but you need to re-evaluate your position as a wife because it's not screaming at me that you feel you betrayed your husband. What you have written has given me personally, the impression that you need to know more from the other guy why he picked you to entertain his needs. Somehow the need for this is greater than the need to reconcile your soul with your husband.

 

Do you have any children with your husband? Perhaps you need to take yourself out of the situation and work on what you really want. I know children make a huge difference in these kind of situations, so this might be more difficult if you do. If you can, I would totally remove yourself from the confusion and think!

[Spugly Fuglet]

Ask Bill Blinton was it sex

 

O YES!

 

sorry you have, but good news is dont do it again and he seems like a guy who knows hes done wrong and ill keep it to his gave.

[sonjam]

My advice is to stop mulling over it in your head and let it go. If you are not planning to tell hubby, it is your decision, but wanting to know why is asking for renewed trouble. It was cheating, it was a mistake, keep it from happening again, and by spending time thinking about it, and wanting to talk to him about the why's will make it happen again, or bring it into the open. Put it in the archive of your mind, where it belongs, or risk loosing your marraige over it.

[married1099]

Thank you everyone for your feedback. It's perfectly clear now that I did cheat and subconsciously knew when he asked me to "talk" in his bedroom there wouldn't be much talking.

 

Last year was tough for me in my marriage (and the year before that) as my husband was emotionally and physically abusive to me. He never actually hit or punched me but he'd grab me by the neck and push me against the wall and have his fist ready to strike. It got worse everytime it happened until the final time where I was actually so scared I dropped to the ground in a featol position and he was still yelling at me and air kicked me (kicked at me without actually making contact). When this happened I packed my bags and left. I only returned a few days later after talking to him and he wanted me to come back. This was before "that" night. Since I've been back he's never touched me in that way again. But still sometimes emotionally abuses me. But as long as I'm not being hurt I'll deal with it.

 

We don't have kids yet, we are now trying for a baby. I'm choosing not to tell my husband about what I did as it will ruin more then it will fix. Not to mention his family has a violent streak and if we got found out both my friend and I would be shamed. I can't risk that. As I don't want to cheat on my husband again I'm going to try to stop thinking about the why. I'll put it down to: He was drunk, I was there, like a couple of you have said.

 

But I can't stop being friends with him I need him in my life in a whacked up way he's been the most caring friend I've ever had. He might not be around much but I know he cares and if I'm upset hell try to help. He's the one last year that picked up on my depression and told me a few times to go see a doctor. I did, got depression medications and I'm more stable now. He is also the only one that ever noticed that I "self harm" he got me to stop it. My husband knew about both of these too but he didn't try to get me to go to the doc and he never said much about the self harming. We all need friends and he is my only friend (apart from online friends) so I can't afford to push him out of my life. Besides I hardly get to hang out with him anymore now cos he's got other friends now and his gf who he see's everyweekend. I haven't hung out with him alone for months.

[jimthzz]

when you had his johnson in your mouth?

 

You wanted to do it.

 

What you have indulged in is a classic example of not taking responsibility for your actions.

 

own your culpability here.

 

You owe your husband an explanation no matter the fallout, short of violence, you owe him the truth.

[nottoogreen]

Married, cheating was the symptom, you are seeing the problem, and that it's important to fix it.

 

...But I can't stop being friends with him I need him in my life in a whacked up way he's been the most caring friend I've ever had...

You are avoiding the problem! You can't keep that guy as friend! He must go! Please read my posts again! The problem is in the relationship with your husband!

 

And for christ's sake do not have a child until you are happy with your husband.

 

Read my sig and the link in it.