Oh no, I just dropped the bomb

[Rubiez]

I don't even know how to begin, I just dropped the bomb on my husband of 7 years. I told him I wanted a divorce, and it broke his heart. I feel so terrible, but I can't go on holding my true feelings inside. I'm just not in love with him anymore, I can't help it, I don't know what to do. I told him I wanted a divorce over a year ago, and then agreed to try and work things out. I asked for marriage counseling, and he agreed, but he never made an effort to go.

 

I love him, but not the way a wife should love a husband, I love him more as a brother or a friend if that makes any sense.

 

We talked tonight and he agreed to let me have a divorce, I just don't want to make a complete mess of things, and I'm scared to death. This is my second marriage already, I have 2 children, one is my first husbands, and the other is his. My husband says all the right things, and knows what is wrong, but nothing has changed. For example in the seven years we've been together not once has he taken me out. Birthdays and holidays go unnoticed. He says he knows he has this problem and wants to fix these things, but when it comes to actually putting forth the effort, he never does. He never seems to want to spend time together as a family, even simple things like taking a walk after dinner, it's just me the kids, and the dog.

 

Now I feel completely guilty for breaking his heart. I know he loves me, and I feel awful for wanting more. I don't know what to do, am I in the wrong for feeling this way? Should I just put up and shut up? I don't know if I'm doing the right thing.

[Cadence308]

Good for you for doing what you feel is right! You are not happy in this marriage, have expressed this, have made attempts to get counseling to try to work things out. Things have not changed and the result is that you have fallen out of love with your husband. The fact that he's never taken you out in 7 years and forgets birthdays and holidays, and never made an attempt at counseling suggests that he's lacking in the consideration area.

 

It also sounds like you probably broke his heart because he was used to things going his way and you are done. Don't feel bad.

[melrich]

Your feelings are understandable. Of course you feel bad for him.

 

But you seem to have spent a long time considering this decision. You have given him lots of chances to improve your marriage and most of all your feelings for him are not what they should be in a marriage.

 

Divorce is a terrible thing to go through. You will face many times when you will wonder if you have made the right decision. If you have done all you could then you should remind yourself constantly about why you made the decision in the first place.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Rubiez - I'm so sorry for you.

 

I know how hard this is and I commend you for speaking up.

 

I don't know if you did the right thing or not and I wish there was something I could say that could make you realize what you need to do to make it work. But I don't have it.

 

I wish you didn't have to get divorced. I wish for you, your children and your husband that you didn't have to.

 

THAT SAID, what else is there but a life of un-happiness? What's the point of doing the same thing that you don't want to be doing day after day after day?

 

I'm sure you're doing what is best for you and it sounds like you're being as considerate of him as you can be, considering.

 

I hope things go amicably for you.

 

Again, i'm sorry for how hard this is.

[xprincessbugx]

You tried, and like you said he didn't put forth the effort he just talked about it. If he's not a lover to you and he's more like a friend then maybe it is time to call it quits. Good luck to you.

[Dako]

It must be painful to end your marriage. I know my wife suffered a lot when she dumped me last year. She cried and grieved much the way I did. Sometimes life has hard choices to make, but in time your family will adapt and move on.

As a guy who got dumped after 27 years, I can tell you he can recover, and so can you.

[Scout]

He's never taken you out, gotten you a gift, doesn't spend time with the family - and yet his heart is broken by your request for a divorce? And you know he loves you?

 

To be honest, this perplexes me. I would think someone that unloving wouldn't be that upset by news of a divorce. I suppose this must be somewhat confusing for you too?

[Daddy Bear]

Rubiez... until very recently i had a pat answer for men and women in your situation: "stay together and stick it out." maybe i just wanted companionship in my misery because i procrastinated in my own private hell until my youngest left the nest and by which time i had severely limited my chances of finding fulfillment. i am now in my 40s, and i will have few opportunities to meet that someone with whom i can find the true happiness that all people deserve.

 

one day the ludicrous potential outcome of the advice that i had been giving smacked me in the forehead: if you stay in a broken marriage, and your children follow your example, then their children, etc., there will be an unbroken string of sadness stretching into infinity. that gives us very little reason to be optimistic about the future, doesn't it?

 

please don't allow yourself to be consumed by guilt. implied in the Golden Rule is the notion that you should treat yourself as well as you treat others.

[mmmending]

so true.. beautifully stated

[doyathink]

No one here can tell when you have had enough and need to leave, and no one can understand all the reasons that make part of you want to stay!

 

This is your path, your life and only you can look at the situation to determine what really makes you happy. First and foremost, you are the only one who can give yourself happiness. Your husband can make life for you better or worse but your happiness lies within you and you only.

 

I have made so many mistakes in my life that I try to think things through a little more these days. You said "I don't know if I'm doing the right thing". Well, is there some reason why you would need to hurry to make a decision now? This, as you well know, needs a lot of thought and if you are questioning whether it is right or wrong maybe your not ready yet. Give yourself time and think it through until you are 100% positive on your decision.

 

Does he cheat on you? Is he abusive to you or the children? Does he provide for his family? Is he home every night or out with friend? I know you said he forgets the holidays and doesn't enjoy the walks with the family but if he were into race cars would you be by his side helping to fix em up? I know it's hard to have a spouse that isn't involved with your hobbies, mine isn't either and we have very little in common. However, you know it is hard to find that perfect someone out there. Yea, everyone says theres a lot of fish in the sea but are there? and good ones??

 

Do you know you can do better? if he is that bad then maybe you should get on with your life but if he is doing things that you really could learn to accept than why put an end to it. I sometimes catch myself picking apart my husband to give myself all the reasons I think I need to leave and then I think to myself, is he really that bad? Look at all the crap he takes from me and is still here!!

 

Marriage is unity and at the same time we have to live and let live as we all have our own identities and need to be ourselves. Maybe you could suggest on night he go walking with you and the next night you do something he wants to do. Teach him to give and take, it doesn't always come natural for some people, lord knows i live with this too..

 

If you are truly not "in love" anymore, then it probably is done, it's hard to "sleep" with someone your not "hot" for anymore. I wish you the best in whatever decision you make....

[doyathink]

Bent,

It may be true that :

 

"if you stay in a broken marriage, and your children follow your example, then their children, etc., there will be an unbroken string of sadness stretching into infinity. that gives us very little reason to be optimistic about the future, doesn't it?"

 

But what about the statistics that show that children that come from broken homes are more likely to divorce and/or incorporate infidelity?

 

I guess life is hard in either situation huh...

[Daddy Bear]

Bent,

It may be true that :

 

"if you stay in a broken marriage, and your children follow your example, then their children, etc., there will be an unbroken string of sadness stretching into infinity. that gives us very little reason to be optimistic about the future, doesn't it?"

 

But what about the statistics that show that children that come from broken homes are more likely to divorce and/or incorporate infidelity?

 

I guess life is hard in either situation huh...

 

stats are funny... i'm sure that irresponsible people divorce for capricious reasons, and there are other intangibles such as post-breakup amicability and parental proximity that can affect a child's development. these things are not easily boiled down into a figure that is meaningful in any one particular case. i even bet that some stats exist to show that three-parent homes rear better children than those with two, so we should all engage in polygamy if we are going to 'live and die by the polls'.

 

i don't believe in numbers any more, and i'm not sure i ever did.

 

yes DYT, i agree that in these situations anything you do, including doing nothing, is bound to get someone hurt. it's a 'damned if you do and damned if you don't' world for sure.

[DN]

My husband says all the right things, and knows what is wrong, but nothing has changed. For example in the seven years we've been together not once has he taken me out.

 

Have you ever taken him out?

 

In my marriage my wife and I don't really 'take each other out'. We plan things together and the cost comes out of our pooled resources. Seems to work for us.

 

May I ask why your first marriage failed?

[HardShowingAffection]

This is a toughy. The problem that I have with alot of this is that, in my relationships, I am willing to try all options until they are completely exhausted. It is not a case of infidelity, so maybe your relationship has just gotten dull.

 

Alot of men seem to be ok with this. They fall into a comfort zone, and don't notice/care about the little things as women do. They just need a swift kick in the rear and a wake up call.

 

Have you sat down and really communicated with your husband? Explain your needs and desires to him? Open up to him in ways you previously might not have? I mean, really lay it out there for him. If he is willing to work with you, I would advise you to help him through this.

 

Establish a process that meets both of your needs. If he agreed to go to counseling, but didn't, hold him to that. Force the issue. If your walks after dinner are important, stress this. Help him make the changes that you would like to see, and reinforce those positive behaviors.

 

You fell in love with this man for a reason. You married him for a reason. Who is to say all of that is gone? YOU make the effort to go out on a date with him. YOU take him to dinner. If you are not part of the solution, then you are part of the problem. I am in not blaming you, or pointing fingers, but so many women just expect their men to do things for them, and feel that they shouldn't have to try, of that the men should just want to do it.

 

Believe me, alot of men DO want to do these things. We are simple creatures and often, just content with how things are. We don't have problems changing, or working to meet your needs, but if that reinforcement is not there, and we don't have an outstreched hand guiding us, alot of times we overlook the simple things.

 

Hope this helps a little bit.

[winter2005]

You did the right thing. I do admire you for your honesty and courage. It is pointless to stay in a marriage you wish not to be in. It seems like you have tried to make this work. Life will go on and you will find love again I am sure of it. xoxo

[Rubiez]

Hi & thank you all for your advice & support! To answer the previous questions, yes I take my husband out a lot. If I see he's had a tough day with the kids or work, I get a sitter and we're out to dinner, a movie, or just sitting on the couch flipping channels and relaxing.

 

I'm not so concerned about stuff like my b-day or Christmas, but I at least would appreciate support in making it special for our kids. My husband seems to be without the ability to put himself in another person's shoes. For example, a couple of weeks ago he was trying to show my daughter how to ride a bike, and she fell. He carried her into the house screaming. I came down to find her hysterical, and he told me "don't worry she needs to shake it off" He didn't bother to take off her pants and look at the knee she was screaming about. I took one look at her, got into the car and drove to the ER. Sure enought the poor kid had a broken knee. I took her home, settled her on the couch, and ran to the store for crayons, movies and activities to keep her busy while in a cast. He went to a party at his friend's house, and got upset with me for babying my daughter too much. If I wasn't home he wouldn't have taken her to the ER. This is his own flesh & blood!! He had no sympathy for her.

 

My first marriage failed for a lot of reasons, but mainly I married too young (at 19) and my first husband started drinking heavily and got messed up ton meth. He became physically abusive and I took my daughter and got out of there.

 

My husband now wants to change and work things out, which makes me happy, but there is a part of me that is gone. That romantic love for him I once felt is completely gone. I don't know if you can get that back once it's lost. I love him to a lot, but not like a wife should love a husband. I'm to the point I really just want to be alone, and I've suggested a temporary separation, but my husband refuses to let me have it. It's either divorce or work it out, nothing in between. I was hoping if we were separated for awhile I'd start to miss him, and we could start dating from scratch. I thought then maybe if we started over I could fall back in love with him.

 

I'm almost resentful towards him, because once again it seems like it's all about him, his problems, and his feelings. I want to scream sometimes "what about me??" I know it's selfish, but honestly it's how I feel. All this time its been about him, what he likes, what he wants to do, his friends, his family etc...

 

I also feel in a way kind of duped, when we married he knew I wanted a big family. He has decided that one child is all we will have. I can understand if he has concerns about money, housing etc... but for him to make the decision and tell me that's it with no further discussion, I feel like my feelings are unimportant. Now that he wants to change after I've been bugging him for years, I feel like "how come I wasn't important enough before?"

 

I really think I'm done, it's over. I don't have the desire to try any more, people say I need to for the kids. I'm sorry for being selfish, but I really don't want to try, I just want to get out peacefully. Sorry so long, but thanks for listening. This site is a god send!

[Scout]

The incident with your daughter's accident would have enraged me, to be honest. So I really understand where your anger is coming from. You mentioned something very important: your perception that he cannot seem to get outside of himself and empathize with others. Again, I can see how a lack of that in your husband would really start to decrease your love for him.

 

Still, there is a nugget of hope: that he really wants to change. Of course, at this point your reservoirs of love and patience are almost empty, but you may have some left you're not aware of. Personally, I think for your marriage to get a real chance at change is going to call for a commitment to relationship counseling, with a minimum time period set in stone. For example, a commitment to three months at the minimum.

 

If your husband is serious about change, he'll make this commitment. But can you? I almost hesitate to ask this, but by any chance is there someone else in your life, or someone you're interested in? I'm just wondering if there is a catalyst that has occurred or an external factor to make you seriously consider ending the marriage. I am not saying that your husband's behavior isn't enough to make you come to this decision, because honestly, if he's all that you say he is, I would have serious difficulty remaining in such a marriage, myself.

[Rubiez]

No there is no one else that is a catalyst for me wanting out of the marriage although I do find that I am beginning to crave attention from other men. Maybe not so much other men, but anyone at the moment. I feel so alone sometimes like I have absolutely no one to talk to.

 

What happened is during my first marriage my first husband always promised to quit hurtung me/hitting me/drinking etc. He'd quit for a few months and go back to his old ways. I know that's over and done with, but I've brought that experience into this marriage, where I don't believe my current husband when he says he wants to change. He's said it several times before, things get better for awhile, and then 3 months later it's back to the same thing. I don't trust the fact that this time "he really means it" I just don't want to wake up 10 years from now wondering why I waited so long for someone to change their ways.

 

At this point and time, I'm sick and tired of all the lines, the broken promises etc. I just want to be free to raise my girls, go to school, and keep moving up at work. At times I think the only reason my husband is with me is because if he wasn't he'd loose everything. I make a considerable amount more than he does at work, and I work a lot more than he does. I think he just thinks he loves me because I am his "comfort zone" I think he has that confused with what a relationship is all about. He likes how things are and doesn't want any change in his life be it divorce or making our relationship work. If I can go through this I am in no hurry to meet another man and get into a relationship. I want to focus on raising my kids, and healing myself.

[lorrie17]

until you mentioned your daughters knee, i was going to say that it sounds like he needs so medicine. i have been acting the way he does: disconnected and it is major for me just to care about anything even washing my hair, looking after the house.

my husband is gone now. i have told him i wish that he would not have left me in the room so depressed all those months. now looking back i think i have been depressed and disconnected for years.

either way it sounds like he needs meds. drag him to the doctor, still leave, but drag him for some meds.

the incident with the knee was him not facing reality, not that he doesn't care. he wanted it to go away, he can't deal with anything. jmo

[Rubiez]

My husband decided after I "dropped the bomb" to finally see a doctor after I've been begging him to do so for the last few years. He walked out with some rx's and he will readily admit he has adhd.

 

I appreciate the fact that he has finally gone to the doctor but my whole problem is wouldn't he do this before when I was ready to work things out. It makes me really angry. If I had a problem that I was aware of that bothered him, I would be doing everything in my power to make it better. I realize that he cannot help how he is with ADHD, but I don't accept the fact that he cannot take any responsiblility for getting help for it.

 

I don't know what to do, all I want to do is be alone with my kids. I'm tired of feeling like the mediator between him and my girls. I want to be able to take my kids out shopping without feeling guilty. I want a normal schedule (his work schedule changes every 6 months and he works nights) I want to be able to make plans, go to school, go to work without worrying about what he's going to do. I really want peace in my house. I feel like he is my third child. He went from being someone that needed me to someone who is completely dependant on me. I'm cracking under the pressure.

[Scout]

I appreciate the fact that he has finally gone to the doctor but my whole problem is wouldn't he do this before when I was ready to work things out. It makes me really angry. If I had a problem that I was aware of that bothered him, I would be doing everything in my power to make it better. I realize that he cannot help how he is with ADHD, but I don't accept the fact that he cannot take any responsiblility for getting help for it.

 

Yeah, I hear you. And to be honest, if I had a dime for every time I've heard someone say something similar on eNotalone, I'd...well, I'd have enough to pay for their partner's first three sessions of therapy, lol. You do have a valid reason to be angry about that, but I don't have the answer. Except that humans are very imperfect and flawed, and often make huge mistakes.

 

I don't think a prescription is going to fix your husband's problems, and certainly not fix your marriage, but it's a start and I hope he's planning on therapy, too.

 

And, I hope you'll be open to the therapy as well. I know right now you're very, very angry and really feeling you don't even care to work on this anymore. But you'd be surprised how much our perspectives can change in six months or so. Your marriage is definitely at a critical point, I won't deny that. But it might be worth it to try and salvage things. Especially if you can manage to look back at the big picture, and remember why you originally fell in love with him. Somewhere underneath all the negative things, that man is still there.

[need2bme]

WOW! So much stuff. My GF stated that she just did not love me in "that way" anymore. I am still having a hard time figuring that out. That being said, if you don't feel for him, it will only make it worse if you stay.

 

I too, believe that I suffer from ADHD. The "doc with all the degrees" thinks I just don't like myself. He thinks I sabotage myself and he is probably correct. However, I still think I have ADHD. I can have a conversation, while singing a song in the back of my head. I too suffered some anxiety and depression, for feeling disconnected. Part of that too, was my GF not taking my hand. She was supposed to be there for me too.

 

That being said, I don't know how even I could have lived with someone like me for the last 2 years. No direction. Complaining. No moving forward. Not happy. I don't know if I would have been motivated enough to change, without the catalyst of her telling me she no longer loves me.

 

That will wake you up in a HEARTBEAT. I don't think I can get her love and respect back. I do know that I can see now that I want her happy.

 

You deserve to be happy. Dr. Phil (yeah, I know...that guy) asks, "Would you rather be happy, or right?" A few weeks ago, I would have said RIGHT! Now, I just want to be happy.

 

I am sorry for what you are going through, but I understand his side. That does not make it right, but I understand it.

 

Thank you for sharing, because now I understand HER side. That doesn't make my heart hurt any less, but I understand it.