I dumped him, and I'm miserable!

[REDIRECT43]

Hi all, I am such a wreck right now. On Tuesday, I called my bf of a year to hang out. He said he was busy with homework. Ok that's fine. Then 5 minutes after he said he was going to go get something to eat and watch some of the baseball game that was on. Ok? I thought he said he had homework to do? I then told him that I had a problem with not seeing him often. We only saw each other like once a week, and it was only on his terms. Anyway, I feel as a couple that we should be able to express what bothers us. So I expressed that this bothered me, and he FLIPPED OUT. He said he didn't have time to talk about it and that he would call me tomorrow and we would hang out. I was like hell no, we are talking about it now and he hung up on me! I called back and he kept screaming at me and hanging up. At one point he goes "I'm going to put **** on the phone (the person whose house he was going to watch the game at) and you are not going to like what he's gunna say to you!" I was devastated. He called me back a half hour after this and he was all calm and goes "Ok what do you want to talk about?" I was furious at this point. I went on telling him that now I had a whole new problem. His temper, him not wanting to listen. I told him it was over and I could not continue with it anymore. He said he did not care, he did not give a **** over and over again. After I told him it was over he tried to explain his actions, saying I instigated him! I said whatever, it's over there's nothing to talk about now. He then told me to have a nice life with my best guy friend. I was like * * *? He goes "I'm not stupid I know you are seeing him, have a nice life with him, he takes you out to dinner and has time to spend with you, go be with Mike." What a jerk. I am completely devastated. I dumped him, so why am I a mess? He doesn't care about me, so why am I not thrilled to be rid of him? In a way I want him to pine over me, and be devastated that I dumped him but he just doesn't care. He always accused me of cheating on him ( I wonder why), called me repeatedly when I didn't answer my phone, had a nasty temper. He was horrible, I should be relieved but I am a mess. How can somebody act like him?

[DN]

"he takes you out to dinner and has time to spend with you, go be with Mike."

Is this true? Even a little?

[REDIRECT43]

Yes, we're just friends though. My boyfriend on the other hand does not take me to dinner, or seems to have time for me.

[DN]

Are you sure that your (ex) boyfriend really knows he is just a friend?

 

I don't want to make to much of this but it may explain some of the things that have been wrong in the relationship.

[tylercdurden2004]

Are you sure that your (ex) boyfriend really knows he is just a friend?

 

I don't want to make to much of this but it may explain some of the things that have been wrong in the relationship.

 

I would absolutely second DN on this one. Are you sure he sees it as you do. A relationship is not only abou thow you see your actions but how your SO sees them. Are you possible trying to test your ex and see how he reacts? Ask yourself why you are with your friend in these situations and why your BF sees it as something other than you do.

[REDIRECT43]

I don't think Mike really has anything to do with it. My bf ALWAYS accused me of seeing other guys. If it's not Mike, it's somebody else. He asked me a week ago if Mike and I had ever done anything sexually and I said I was very insulted and I would not answer his question. He took this as meaning, yes, I did sleep with Mike. And there was one instance when we were hanging at a friend's house and this one guy wanted to go to the store and get food and I wanted food too so we were going to go get food and my bf got mad and said I was leading this other guy on. And then there was one night when he called my phone 100 times (my ringer was off cuz I was SLEEPING) and he was like "I know you're banging some other guy I saw your car at the bar." Ok, my car was sitting in my driveway. I mean, it just got to be too much. Like I said, if it's not Mike, itwould be someone else.

[Phoenix69]

Sounds like he's a little jealous... Does he have any reason to be? Do you see more of this mike fellow than you do of your boyfriend? Even just a little bit. Believe me, things that don't seem all that significant to you, may be REALLY REALLY significant to him. Sometimes boys see things differently than we do...

If you know that you should be feeling relieved then perhaps your relationshp was on the way out anyway. If I was in your position I would be starting NC RIGHT NOW!!

 

Good luck with everything, keep us posted "-)

[tylercdurden2004]

Well then my only advice would be to move on, do NC right now, and look for a guy who is more secure with your behaviours. Not much else you can do.

[REDIRECT43]

Well our relationship was a strange one. It started out as friends with benefits, and then it just evolved without each of us labeling it. We never agreed to any commitment. In the beginning I pushed for commitment and he wasn't into that idea so I never brought it up again. I just let things evolve and went with the flow. In all honesty, I'm not even sure he was my bf, but I told people he was. I think he referred to me as his friend, I'm not sure. He only wanted to see me once a week. He called me every day, or every other day. It was just a strange relationship. I love him, but we never ever said that to each other. We were never affectionate with each other. I always held back because I thought he would be turned off as he said he didn't want a commitment. He never told me I was beautiful. It was just strange. So if he's indeed jealous he has no reason to be. He asked out some girls while we were together but I didn't really care and did not show any signs of jealousy. The past month though it seemed things were getting serious. He invited me to his grandparents house and startedbringing me around his friends more. I told him a while back that my dad wants some work done around the house (my bf was a contractor). The other day my bf asked if my dad was still interested, and asked if my dad would hate him. I know, now you are all wondering lol

[tylercdurden2004]

Like I said it looks like you have to find someone who is more compatible with you lifestyle and needs...or alternatively you can sit him down and tell him straight out what you want, its a crazy idea but maybe thats what you need to do. I get the impression you didnt want to break up with him entirely.

[Scout]

It doesn't sound like it was a very rewarding relationship for you, ever. And it certainly wasn't a defined one. That, coupled with the facts that he asked out other girls while you were together, only would see you on his terms, and got incredibly jealous over you and other guys leads me to believe he probably was seeing other girls himself. One of the biggest signs of a cheater is that they constantly accuse their partner of cheating.

 

Unless you get fulfillment from - or are addicted to - constant frustration and drama in your relationships, I would say it's a good thing you're out of this one. Go into NC and stick to it. Otherwise, you'll get sucked back into this dead end situation, instead of concentrating on meeting someone who is much more available and loving.

[tylercdurden2004]

And set boundaries next time. It doesnt sound liek either of you set boundaries and hence an undefined relationship. You dont have to sit down and say "now we are BF and GF". But setting boundaries establishes this.

[annie24]

I second scout.

 

Like I just posted on another thread, my high school boyfriend was a big jerk towards me and was always turning things around on me. Finally I got sick of it one day and broke up with him. 3 years later, he came back, saying that letting me go was the biggest mistake of his life.

 

Yup. it was.

 

Well, maybe your ex will realize it one day, maybe he won't. either way, you've gotten yourself out of a bad situation, and now just look to the future.

[mmmending]

your ex has what sounds like a mean streak, issues of control and low EQ.. bottom line his behaviour points to an abusive tendency..

 

it is irrational to expect you to be accountable for what is ultimately his jealousy..

 

it also sounds as though he has tried to create a condition in which you appear to be the bad guy - ie.. blah, blah, blah he is going out to hang with his friends, and your neediness is impinging on his freedom.. his not wanting to talk about it is the enforcement of a bogus boundary.. i'm catching that unmistakeable whiff of emotional dishonesty, blackmail, even..

 

re: the false accusations of infidelity, it is sort of like that low-rent fallacy of logic/rhetoric - "when did you stop beating your wife, mr. smith?" ..

 

by the very asking of this, you find yourself in the dubious position of having to defend something that has no basis in your personal reality.. AND - the very act of defending creates an implicit scrutiny of your credibility and sincerity.. simply put, you're buggered

 

as for the "i dumped him, and i'm miserable".. i not sure that this is the true cause and effect.. i believe you feel miserable because you got ambushed, my friend..

 

by wishing to speak with him to bring clarity around something that was upsetting you, it seems to me that you acted out of healthy self-esteem.. he, for his part, used your affection for him as the context to rough you up.. this is how i read it

 

i think you made a choice out of personal dignity (not pride), one that will improve your quality of life..

 

having said that, i, too, initiated the break up with my ex, and 4 1/2 months later also feel miserable, so in all honesty, i can only commiserate with you in this

 

be easy on yourself

[Scout]

mmmending, you hit the nail right on the head. To the OP, please study closely what he is saying here. It's on the money.

[REDIRECT43]

Yea, he was not what I pictured a relationship to be like, but I got so used to how everything was that I had forgotten what it was like to have a real relationship with rewards. He was so screwed up in the head when it came to relationships. He always said he was never going to bow down to a woman or obey her. I told him it was not about obeying or bowing down, it was about treating her as an equal. I always told him when he met the one that he would change his ways, and we joked about placing bets that one day he will meet a girl that will totally rock his world upside down. Too bad it could not have been me, but I'm starting to think that if he can let me get away, no girl will be the one. I know he will never meet a girl like me, and I think he's going to compare me to every girl after me. Hopefully by the time he realizes he'd been a chump, I'll have moved on.

[sukerbut]

i dont agree with any of you folks AT ALL! I am not a jealous person at all in a relationship, but my last i became i crazed lunatick, you know why? cause of all the so called male friends acalling early morning, night time...I was understanding at first, and tried to tolerate it, but the truth of the matter you talkign to guys while in a relationship is very disrespectfull...How would you feel if he had a bunch of chicks calling him every day..oh they are just my friends.and they hang out and go to dinner etc. what do you enviusion might happen next??? .please after a while it breaks you down...so save it on the insecurity issues and jealousy act...I am not saying guys and girls can not be frineds, but if you are in a serious relationship i think its totally disrespectful to the other party to have eveyday contact with a member of the opposite sex...you would feel ? about yourself and the realtionship...pleeeease !!!but on the other hand if he was not a good mate its a diffrent story...but if he was good to you, then i think it very disrespectful to have other males calling you and taking you out....

[REDIRECT43]

But we weren't in a serious relationship. When I pressed for commitment he would be like "Oh we are just friends, nothing more." He repeatedly told me he did not care if I saw any other guys. Ok, so I did whatever the hell I wanted and never brought up the issue again. What was I supposed to do?

[sukerbut]

well thats a different story then

[GottaLetItBurn]

I second scout.

 

Like I just posted on another thread, my high school boyfriend was a big jerk towards me and was always turning things around on me. Finally I got sick of it one day and broke up with him. 3 years later, he came back, saying that letting me go was the biggest mistake of his life.

 

Yup. it was.

 

Well, maybe your ex will realize it one day, maybe he won't. either way, you've gotten yourself out of a bad situation, and now just look to the future.

 

Listen to her she is a smart girl.

 

 

Either way it is best. No other way to slice it, but it might not be what you want to hear.

 

I think it's normal that you did friends with benifits and then it turned into something. I think a lot of people get into relationships without actually having to have a sit down. It's a lot less defined, but all the feelings are the same.

 

Good luck with moving on if that's the way you decide to go.