devastated_take her back?

[matthew_t]

My g/f of 3 years just came back from a 1 1/2 month study abroad program and told me today that she had sex with a guy twice just in the past few days.

Everything I thought I knew about her has been shattered. I used to think that she just was't built for cheating, it just wasn't within her capabilities.

 

The main reason she said was that she was curious about being with someone different. She's 22 and I'm 36. I was her first and only b/f. This guy was her age.

 

I can't believe she would do something like this. I'm disgusted with her.

 

Our relationship had its problems: we were getting complacent in the past 8 months or so and not challenging ouselves and each other, communication wasn't always free flowing. Nevertheless, she seemed happy most of the time, we had a good sex life, and were still going out on dates with each other.

 

I NEVER expected this!

 

In fact while she was gone she kept saying how much she missed me and wanted to be together. Maybe even get married. I supported her desire to study abroad and felt that if it was important to her, it should be improtant to me.

 

I REFUSE to blame myself though! No matter what our problems were she had no right to betray me. There is NO excuse!

 

So the issue I'm struggling with is wether i should move on with my life or forgive her. She was clearly guilt-ridden, tears and crying, and BEGGED me to stay with her. Also she's never done anything like this in the past. I would like to believe that this was just one-time thing but she actually did it twice.

 

Once I could deal with as a mistake, but twice?! Even after she said she felt guilty the first time.

 

She's young and inexperienced and I had hoped that i could spare her all the pain and aguish I went through in my previous relationships to get to the point where you know what is truly improtant in a relationship and life: trust, honesty, and integrity.

 

Help me guys! Is this a deal breaker?

 

M

[newts]

Hey Matthew,

 

She is 22 you are 36, she is a baby! Try to think about how curious you were at this age. Anyway, just my thoughts and experiences. I was attached to my ex husband at 23, I will always regret being tied down to one man at that age and will never say I am sorry or regret the way I feel because I was committed. I wish I had of done what your girlfriend did in hindsight.

 

Maybe I wouldn't be divorced if I lived out my 20"s, who knows?

[DN]

This is something so personal that only you can decide if you should take her back. Much will depend on whether you feel you would ever be able to trust her again.

 

I would also ask why she would feel the need to tell you, especially the part about being with someone different. That need does seem a product of her age and that is the part that I would be most concerned about.

[metro_girl]

I met my first boyfriend at 19 and broke up with him for the same reason - I needed to see what it was like to date others. He was only two years older, though. I didn't cheat on him, either.

 

You've been together for 3 years and she's only 22 and you're 36? That seems like quite an age difference when you first met. She would have been 19 and you were 33? I'm not sure how you couldn't have expected this. She was only away for a month and 1/2 and she wanted to be with someone else, and the guy was her own age.

 

It's up to you whether you forgive her. Do you think now is the time to take a break and see if she still wants to come back to you?

[Dr]

Personally I wouldn't forgive. I'd let her go and let her experience the pain that she has brought upon herself - With luck she will learn from it.

 

Also, I must pick up on the age thing myself. While I theoretically have no problem with age gap relationships, are you sure your not just trying to be with a "Young good looking dolly bird that can be seen on your arm"?

 

If thats the case then she's the wrong girl. She's inexperienced and your obviously shortsighted. Either way I'd say your relationship is dead and you should both move on.

 

Doc

[RayKay]

I can't tell you what you should do, but this certainly should give you cause to reconsider whether this girl is truly right for you.

 

I don't think it was "bound to happen" but I do think the risk due to her age, and the age difference and her lack of experience was likely to lead at some point to her having doubts and reconsidering things.

 

Can you trust again someone whom wanted to see what else was out there? Can you trust someone whom cannot stay faithful after 6 weeks only? Whom lied about it? What about when she wants to also see what else is out there emotionally, not just physically?

 

She's young and inexperienced and I had hoped that i could spare her all the pain and aguish I went through in my previous relationships to get to the point where you know what is truly improtant in a relationship and life: trust, honesty, and integrity.

I see where you are coming from, but if someone is spared all that experience, they may never get to that end result of realizing what IS important. She may need to find these things out on her own, basically, in order to know what she herself is looking for and wanting. Being broken up with because she cheated might be part of what she needs to learn in her experiences.

 

For me it's a dealbreaker, for you, well that depends on what YOUR values are and what you feel you can forgive. But don't stay just because she is crying and "guilty" - there needs to be more to it then that from both sides. Cheating to me is saying "I don't care about you or this relationship enough to stay committed and work through issues together...or leave if I do want to see what else is out there". What does it say to you?

[matthew_t]

I also had doubts at first about dating her because of our age difference. Part of my attraction to her was her youth. She was full of potentital: smart, level-headed (seemingly), hard-working, and even though she hadn't had much life experience she seemd to know instinctively what was important in a relationship. And I know her attraction to me was partly based on my age and experience. I was a mentor to her in many ways.

 

We had also been living together for the past two years. I was basically supporting her by paying rent and bills so she could save some money for school, and I had been making plans for a career change which was and is partly motivated by my own sincere and thoughful desire and partly to accommodate our relationship so that we could be togther (I know, the latter is not the best criteria for a career change).

 

I had found from living with her and from all of our experiences and conversations that she was quite mature for her age. She had wisdom beyond her years. That was the main reason I could consider being in a long term relationship with her. My love for her went much deeper than simply her youthful looks. In my years of dating and of life, I have learned to value content over form.

 

I am also well aware of the desires and curiousties of being in your early 20's. I acknowledged and even encouraged her to spread her wings so to speak, but I had thought that she would have better sense than to cheat, and in fact she was well aware of the lines not to be crossed.

 

Maybe this is a case of trying to have your cake and eat it too.

 

I know that when youre going through the pain of a cheating partner you revise the past. All that you have shared together is now suspect. I now question her true motivations of nearly all her actions. I realize that at some point in the future I imagine I'll be able to look back with fondness for the good times we shared together, but not now.

 

I am still anguishing over what to do and reeling from the shock. Together 3 years then gone six weeks and cheats!? For what!? And at such a high cost.

 

We are separated now, of course, and she's staying with her family. I am using this time to find out what I truly want out of a relationship with her and to look at her more objectively. Also I want to see if she can come to terms with what she did beyond the guilt and tears, and if her authentic choice is still to be with me, then she had better come up with some damn good reasons!

 

Nevertheless, I feel myself moving towards remaining apart and getting on with my life. In fact writing in this forum is helping to progress step by step towards sanity and peace of mind.

 

I really appreciate everyone's thoughful advice and caring thoughts. I am truly grateful.

 

M

[DN]

I suspect that part of your doubts about her intentions has to do with the fact that you were subsidising her and that is going to be a tough issue to get past. She would certainly have a hard time convincing me that was not her motivation, or at least part of it.

 

I would still want to know what her motivation was in telling you that she cheated.

 

There are a number of other issues that need to be discussed and resolved before you should consider taking her back. This is a time to let your head rule your heart. Do not be swayed by her entreaties unless and until you are as sure as you can be that she is truly remorseful, really loves you for who you are and is determined to make a full commitment to the relationship. If you remain unconvinced then I think you should walk away from her.

[matthew_t]

Well, here's the latest...

 

Its' the strangest thing. All day today I was in such a funk. I called in sick at work and spent the day in a complete haze, a walking zombie. I felt like I wouldn't be able to function without her. She called me earlier tonight and was apologetic and remorseful. I knew that for the past few months she was at a crossroads in her life and I had intended to have a heart to heart after she got back. Of course the cheating through that train off its rails, but I still felt the need to help her out.

 

So against my better judgement I talked about how she could come to terms with her life issues of school, relationships, life, and the cheating. Something that has worked well for me in the past is listening to your inner dialog. Writing down and sorting through all the internal conversations we have with ourselves usually without ever paying attention to them. We can learn a lot if we look critically and break down the why's and what for's of those conversations. First I told her to focus on her authentic desires, and then if those desires included being with a commited partner, she could call me and we can try to work out the cheating situation. If her deisres didn't include me then well so be it.

 

Long story short, after I got off the phone I realized that she is much more immature than i had imagined. I think I gave her too much credit for being mature beyond her years without really looking at it objectively. This manufactured illusion of who I wanted her to be was lifted and I can see much more clearly who she really is.

 

I still care about her very much so I don't think this is some kind of reaction formation (any Freudians out there?), but I know now that I can make my life work without her. I can accept the fact that I even though I didn't have a choice in her horrible action, I can deal with it and not let it ruin my life. I can move on without her. l'll still have some down days no doubt, but I really feel I've turned a corner. My appetite is coming back and I think I'll actually be able to get good nights sleep.

 

Thanks to all who have posted here. I've learned a lot reading your comments and advice.

 

M

[RayKay]

Matthew,

 

It sounds like you are doing incredibly well, and this ability to look at things objectively will definitely help you make better choices when it comes to where this relationship goes, or at least put you in a better position even if that option did not work out as intended.

 

Now she very well may be reasonably mature for her age. I have a 19 year old sister whom even my bf says is extremely well grounded. She certainly not only looks more mature, but she is definitely more mature internally as well.....she is not out there partying vicariously and has had more life experience then most her age at this point which has probably made her the person she is. She also dates older men too by the way. However, even so, despite her being more mature, the fact still remains she still has a lot of growing she will end up doing over the next few years. If you were to look back at how you were when you were your gf's age when you first started dating, then 4 years later, then 4 years after that, certainly you would recall even if you WERE "mature" at the younger ages relative to others, you still had a lot to figure out about yourself that needed to happen regardless of how mature you may have been. I was the same way, always more mature for my age just due to the way I was raised, but also the life experiences I had, but still despite that, I had a lot of growth in those years to really get in touch with that "authentic self" of mine.

 

I would also be wondering if part of her reason to want to be back was because of the fact you were supporting her financially so much, not necessary, but suddenly realizing she may lose her "ride" may be a factor in her reaction to want to come back.

 

You definitely can make your life work without her, you have done so before. The better question would be would you WANT to "make" it work with her after she broke that trust, crossed that boundary? Cheating in my opinion is not just an "oops", and it certainly is not an "accident" twice over, and it does not seem to me she is even really taking full responsibility for her actions in that regard.

 

Good luck,

 

RayKay

[matthew_t]

However, even so, despite her being more mature, the fact still remains she still has a lot of growing she will end up doing over the next few years. If you were to look back at how you were when you were your gf's age when you first started dating, then 4 years later, then 4 years after that, certainly you would recall even if you WERE "mature" at the younger ages relative to others, you still had a lot to figure out about yourself that needed to happen regardless of how mature you may have been.

 

AGREED! Yes, She may be mature for her age, but still has many things to learn.

 

I would also be wondering if part of her reason to want to be back was because of the fact you were supporting her financially so much, not necessary, but suddenly realizing she may lose her "ride" may be a factor in her reaction to want to come back.

 

Me too, so if we do reconcile no doubt she'll be paying her share!

 

You definitely can make your life work without her, you have done so before. The better question would be would you WANT to "make" it work with her after she broke that trust, crossed that boundary? Cheating in my opinion is not just an "oops", and it certainly is not an "accident" twice over, and it does not seem to me she is even really taking full responsibility for her actions in that regard.

 

Agreed. That's the main question and the main sticking point. Twice to me is the real killer and a strong sign of of cheating mentality, a pattern of thought, and of course a complete lack of respect for me and our relationship.

 

How can I know that she has taken full responsiblity for her actions? What sorts of things should I be looking for?

 

Thanks RayKay!

 

M

[Cecelius]

You said at the beginning of your post that you were disgusted by her.

 

I can imagine all the kinds of things you are thinking about her at this point.

 

She did that because she was CURIOUS?

 

No, there is no hope at all after that.

 

Also keep in mind that at her tender years, she still has the disciplinary mindset of a child. She learns nothing if you take her back. How much worse off is she for what she did if she still has her meal ticket?

[mfullermustang]

Just cuz she's young doesn't excuse her behavior, I don't think I would have taken her back if I were you. Ur doing right in moving on.

[cripplechild]

Hey Matthew,

Hate what you're going through, yea, it sucks when you get cheated, but I figure, the only way u can take her back is if she indeed is remorseful over it and to know what are the reasons towards, which at the end it's really up to you if u wanna break up and move on or take her back. Me here been cheated 3 times in the past, and well as silly as it may sound I'm still with her.

[vixens husband]

I have been through the same experience Matthew but more recently, she had the affair some time ago and continued it in cyberspace. I recently discovered she is chatting-up guys on the Internet and sharing pics and webcam. I confronted her with this and first she broke down and volunteered to move out saying that she knows she has a problem. She is 23 years younger than me at 23.

 

I am going to work with her, to try to help her get past this, she has committed to me that she wants to, I married her because I love her and love is not killed because she has flaws, I love her all the same. If she can't overcome what IS a problem then we will reconsider in the future but for now will try.

 

I hope this is of some help.

[matthew_t]

Hello All,

 

It's been a while and here's the update. My ex and I have still been in contact and we've talked about reconciling. Actually I felt that I may be able to forgive her and move on with our relationship. I still do love her (and sometimes hate her) and my feelings about what she did were softening to the point that I could see myself being with her again and rebuilding our relationship.

 

I took a 3 week holiday to be with my family. My attitude at the time was to get distance from my ex and see what life might be like on my own, so I adopted the thinking that i was offically back on the market. I unexpectedly met a wonderful woman. She's 32 (closer to my age), has quite a lot of life experience, seems to know what she wants, has a direction in life and we share many similar values, interests, and outlook on life. She also knows about the situation with my ex. We really hit it off and she's willing to continue an LDR until I move there later this year in the summer.

 

I'm not a believer in 'destiny' or 'fate' but even though we just met it seemed as if we were waiting for each other on some weird cosmic plane of existence. At one point i actually got chiills from how much we have in common. My head says we are a great match for each other, and my feelings for her are quite strong, but I still have strong feelings for my ex.

 

Before I left I made it clear to my ex that even though I was willing to see her again and explore the possibility of getting back together I said that I couldn't give her any guarantees about what might happen.

 

When I returned home yesterday, I called my ex and told her that it was basically over between us. I wanted to make a clean break and pursue a relationship with this new woman. It broke my heart (again) to hear her so upset. She really has tried to take responsibilty for cheating (even telling her parents and friends what she did) and seems to really want to reconcile and be with me not just because of guilt but rather from a sincere consideration of what she wants in her life.

 

The thing is I still do have a strong desire to be with my ex and to try to work things out with her, but also care very much for the woman I met recently. All my friends and family tell me to go with this new flame and I can see myself quite happy with her. I am also aware that if my heart is torn between either woman, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I haven't told my ex about this new woman. I don't think its necessary at this point.

 

Perhaps I have an unrealistic expectation to 'get over' my ex in such a short time period and may just need more time to let the death throes of our relationship to extinguish, but I really feel that I want to be with her and am still very much attracted to her.

 

Any thoughts?

 

matthew

[RandomAdvisor]

At this point I haven't told my ex about this new woman. I don't think its necessary at this point.

 

 

Why would it be necessary at any point? She's not your GF anymore, and she's no longer a part of your life. She doesn't need to know. Telling her would likely cause her more pain. However, it might be advisable to tell her you've met someone else so she knows you've really moved on IF she starts trying to contact you repeatedly begging you to take her back.

[yeawutever]

Yea, like some_guy says it, tell her u met someone else, that way

u'll make it clear that it's definitely over between the two of

you. Besides if u were to go back to her, I mean think about it,

can u honestly say that u'll look into her eyes the same way as

when u met her, as a pure, untouched girl?? I doubt it, sharing

ur body with someone is very sacred and so delicate, it's not

just something u can go and get away with, it brings

consequences among them is STD's, I wouldn't go back to her if

I was you. Go for the new flame, she has more experience. And

just cuz ur young, doesn't justify infidelity, I'm 18 here

turning 19, but I know for certainly I would never hurt anyone,

I would never cheat and I would expect the same from him.

Remember what the long ago Golden Rule was "Treat someone how

you would like to be treated;". Yes, I know it's a cliche since

it had been apply for ages ago, as far as back in history, but

it will always be still there. unfortunately, some people don't

follow. I mean, think about it, you gave her your soul, your

heart, care, security, you were like a loyal dog to her and

with what did she pay you back with?? Digusting pleasure, with

those filthy sheets elsewhere, for what, to seek 10- hours

arousal for days. If it was easy for her to go for it and tell

you matter as a matter of fact and didn't get caught, then it'll

be easy again the next time if you were to take her back. Plus

think about it, if let's say you guys get back and latter on

you marry her, how would you be feeling if you were to want to

conceive a child with her, wouldn't the thoughts of the arousal

bring back that horrible event?

[matthew_t]

I am going to work with her, to try to help her get past this, she has committed to me that she wants to, I married her because I love her and love is not killed because she has flaws, I love her all the same. If she can't overcome what IS a problem then we will reconsider in the future but for now will try.

 

I hope this is of some help.

 

Thanks for your response. I also have been trying to help my ex work out the why's and how's of what she did. And like you i also still love her despite her faults and betrayal and loss of respect for her. I feel that no matter how much she reassures me that I'll never be able to trust her. This is an essential element in a relationship for me and I've learned from other posts how difficult it is regain trust and wonder how you are dealing with that aspect of your relationship.

[yeawutever]

So Matthew are you saying 1) you going to bring her back or 2) you moving and going for the new flame and get to know her better. I figure the option 2 sounds better, don't you think? You may helped your ex with the why's and how's, but don't you think that she's the one who's really suppost to figure that on her own, it was her mistake, not yours.

[matthew_t]

Yea, like some_guy says it, tell her u met someone else, that way

u'll make it clear that it's definitely over between the two of

you. Besides if u were to go back to her, I mean think about it,

can u honestly say that u'll look into her eyes the same way as

when u met her, as a pure, untouched girl??

 

 

No not any more. That image is just a ghost now. And it's impossible to base any relationship on a fantasy or to live in denial of what she did.

 

I mean, think about it, you gave her your soul, your

heart, care, security, you were like a loyal dog to her and

with what did she pay you back with?? Digusting pleasure, with

those filthy sheets elsewhere, for what, to seek 10- hours

arousal for days.

 

 

believe me that thought circulates endlessly in my mind and kills me everytime I think about it. I've noticed however that I am able to actually discuss what happened with her with less anger and more compassion. Perhaps that is an indication of a potential to reconcile.

 

If it was easy for her to go for it and tell

you matter as a matter of fact and didn't get caught

 

It really wasn't very easy for her to confess to me. She seems sincerely remorseful for what she did. Nevertheless, I understand that if I do take her back she may not truly learn from her mistake.

[yeawutever]

Nevertheless, I understand that if I do take her back she may not truly learn from her mistake.

 

Yes, but not only that, but you would also be putting your health at risk. When someone cheats, there's that possibility of contracting you partner with STD's. I don't think there is much you can do to help her out. She may be young, but she's definitely not a minor, she's a grown up who can consciously make desicion for herself, you aren't her father to guide her. You're her ex now, means that it's clearly over and if she till this point cannot figure out how cheating affects someone, then she needs help, but not from you, from couseling, therapy. What I don't get is how's it possible that you can still talk to her, I dunno but, I would definitely not even want to be friends with someone who I gave my heart too and in return betray me.

[Rabican]

I say cut her loose and move on.

 

First relationship.... if you set the standard now of forgiving her cheating on you.... where does it go from here? Maybe next time she will be sorry too. And the time after that.....

 

Not worth your time bro, find a better gal!

[Spectre22]

The main reason she said was that she was curious about being with someone different. She's 22 and I'm 36. I was her first and only b/f. This guy was her age.

 

This is BS and I think people who use that excuse are full of themselves. Everyone has curiosities about life, I dont know why screwing strange men behind someone you love's back really makes up for the curiosity, you said it yourself she was guilt ridden and in tears, so all in all the curiosity killed the cat. Again: this excuse is BS, if she wants to sleep around with other guys, dont get in a relationship, and especially dont try to justify it by "being curious" or "trying to live life" when if you're truly in love with someone, they are ALL the life you need.

 

Theres no rule that says you have to bang a bunch of people to get some sort of higher understanding about life, and the excuse is just shameful, its like a felon committing a crime the second he gets out of jail simply he got caught after his first crime and wanted more experience. I dont care if someones 18, 30, 50,etc. theres no justification, if youre unhappy in life, leave your significant other, if youre curious, travel the world, see different sights, dont hump some dude to get some false sense of life experience. Especially since she did it a couple of days before coming home? thats kind of retarded, why go so long without cheating just to screw it up at the last minute? she's probably been screwing him for weeks, she hasnt given you a reason to trust her, going away on little vacations or study trips is never an excuse to bang strange men

[ricardo]

So you're really disgusted that she "had it in her" to see what someone else was like. Three years and no marriage comitment and you're disgusted with her? Have you made alot of revelations to her about your past? I doubt it. Long term relationships with no marriage will produce these activities. She was honest, and she made a real statement. Think about it.