matthew_t

No not any more. That image is just a ghost now. And it's impossible to base any relationship on a fantasy or to live in denial of what she did. believe me that thought circulates endlessly in my mind and kills me everytime I think about it. I've noticed however that I am able to actually discuss what happened with her with less anger and more compassion. Perhaps that is an indication of a potential to reconcile. It really wasn't very easy for her to confess to me. She seems sincerely remorseful for what she did. Nevertheless, I understand that if I do take her back she may not truly learn from her mistake.

Thanks for your response. I also have been trying to help my ex work out the why's and how's of what she did. And like you i also still love her despite her faults and betrayal and loss of respect for her. I feel that no matter how much she reassures me that I'll never be able to trust her. This is an essential element in a relationship for me and I've learned from other posts how difficult it is regain trust and wonder how you are dealing with that aspect of your relationship.

Hello All, It's been a while and here's the update. My ex and I have still been in contact and we've talked about reconciling. Actually I felt that I may be able to forgive her and move on with our relationship. I still do love her (and sometimes hate her) and my feelings about what she did were softening to the point that I could see myself being with her again and rebuilding our relationship. I took a 3 week holiday to be with my family. My attitude at the time was to get distance from my ex and see what life might be like on my own, so I adopted the thinking that i was offically back on the market. I unexpectedly met a wonderful woman. She's 32 (closer to my age), has quite a lot of life experience, seems to know what she wants, has a direction in life and we share many similar values, interests, and outlook on life. She also knows about the situation with my ex. We really hit it off and she's willing to continue an LDR until I move there later this year in the summer. I'm not a believer in 'destiny' or 'fate' but even though we just met it seemed as if we were waiting for each other on some weird cosmic plane of existence. At one point i actually got chiills from how much we have in common. My head says we are a great match for each other, and my feelings for her are quite strong, but I still have strong feelings for my ex. Before I left I made it clear to my ex that even though I was willing to see her again and explore the possibility of getting back together I said that I couldn't give her any guarantees about what might happen. When I returned home yesterday, I called my ex and told her that it was basically over between us. I wanted to make a clean break and pursue a relationship with this new woman. It broke my heart (again) to hear her so upset. She really has tried to take responsibilty for cheating (even telling her parents and friends what she did) and seems to really want to reconcile and be with me not just because of guilt but rather from a sincere consideration of what she wants in her life. The thing is I still do have a strong desire to be with my ex and to try to work things out with her, but also care very much for the woman I met recently. All my friends and family tell me to go with this new flame and I can see myself quite happy with her. I am also aware that if my heart is torn between either woman, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I haven't told my ex about this new woman. I don't think its necessary at this point. Perhaps I have an unrealistic expectation to 'get over' my ex in such a short time period and may just need more time to let the death throes of our relationship to extinguish, but I really feel that I want to be with her and am still very much attracted to her. Any thoughts? matthew

AGREED! Yes, She may be mature for her age, but still has many things to learn. Me too, so if we do reconcile no doubt she'll be paying her share! Agreed. That's the main question and the main sticking point. Twice to me is the real killer and a strong sign of of cheating mentality, a pattern of thought, and of course a complete lack of respect for me and our relationship. How can I know that she has taken full responsiblity for her actions? What sorts of things should I be looking for? Thanks RayKay! M

Well, here's the latest... Its' the strangest thing. All day today I was in such a funk. I called in sick at work and spent the day in a complete haze, a walking zombie. I felt like I wouldn't be able to function without her. She called me earlier tonight and was apologetic and remorseful. I knew that for the past few months she was at a crossroads in her life and I had intended to have a heart to heart after she got back. Of course the cheating through that train off its rails, but I still felt the need to help her out. So against my better judgement I talked about how she could come to terms with her life issues of school, relationships, life, and the cheating. Something that has worked well for me in the past is listening to your inner dialog. Writing down and sorting through all the internal conversations we have with ourselves usually without ever paying attention to them. We can learn a lot if we look critically and break down the why's and what for's of those conversations. First I told her to focus on her authentic desires, and then if those desires included being with a commited partner, she could call me and we can try to work out the cheating situation. If her deisres didn't include me then well so be it. Long story short, after I got off the phone I realized that she is much more immature than i had imagined. I think I gave her too much credit for being mature beyond her years without really looking at it objectively. This manufactured illusion of who I wanted her to be was lifted and I can see much more clearly who she really is. I still care about her very much so I don't think this is some kind of reaction formation (any Freudians out there?), but I know now that I can make my life work without her. I can accept the fact that I even though I didn't have a choice in her horrible action, I can deal with it and not let it ruin my life. I can move on without her. l'll still have some down days no doubt, but I really feel I've turned a corner. My appetite is coming back and I think I'll actually be able to get good nights sleep. Thanks to all who have posted here. I've learned a lot reading your comments and advice. M

I also had doubts at first about dating her because of our age difference. Part of my attraction to her was her youth. She was full of potentital: smart, level-headed (seemingly), hard-working, and even though she hadn't had much life experience she seemd to know instinctively what was important in a relationship. And I know her attraction to me was partly based on my age and experience. I was a mentor to her in many ways. We had also been living together for the past two years. I was basically supporting her by paying rent and bills so she could save some money for school, and I had been making plans for a career change which was and is partly motivated by my own sincere and thoughful desire and partly to accommodate our relationship so that we could be togther (I know, the latter is not the best criteria for a career change). I had found from living with her and from all of our experiences and conversations that she was quite mature for her age. She had wisdom beyond her years. That was the main reason I could consider being in a long term relationship with her. My love for her went much deeper than simply her youthful looks. In my years of dating and of life, I have learned to value content over form. I am also well aware of the desires and curiousties of being in your early 20's. I acknowledged and even encouraged her to spread her wings so to speak, but I had thought that she would have better sense than to cheat, and in fact she was well aware of the lines not to be crossed. Maybe this is a case of trying to have your cake and eat it too. I know that when youre going through the pain of a cheating partner you revise the past. All that you have shared together is now suspect. I now question her true motivations of nearly all her actions. I realize that at some point in the future I imagine I'll be able to look back with fondness for the good times we shared together, but not now. I am still anguishing over what to do and reeling from the shock. Together 3 years then gone six weeks and cheats!? For what!? And at such a high cost. We are separated now, of course, and she's staying with her family. I am using this time to find out what I truly want out of a relationship with her and to look at her more objectively. Also I want to see if she can come to terms with what she did beyond the guilt and tears, and if her authentic choice is still to be with me, then she had better come up with some damn good reasons! Nevertheless, I feel myself moving towards remaining apart and getting on with my life. In fact writing in this forum is helping to progress step by step towards sanity and peace of mind. I really appreciate everyone's thoughful advice and caring thoughts. I am truly grateful. M

My g/f of 3 years just came back from a 1 1/2 month study abroad program and told me today that she had sex with a guy twice just in the past few days. Everything I thought I knew about her has been shattered. I used to think that she just was't built for cheating, it just wasn't within her capabilities. The main reason she said was that she was curious about being with someone different. She's 22 and I'm 36. I was her first and only b/f. This guy was her age. I can't believe she would do something like this. I'm disgusted with her. Our relationship had its problems: we were getting complacent in the past 8 months or so and not challenging ouselves and each other, communication wasn't always free flowing. Nevertheless, she seemed happy most of the time, we had a good sex life, and were still going out on dates with each other. I NEVER expected this! In fact while she was gone she kept saying how much she missed me and wanted to be together. Maybe even get married. I supported her desire to study abroad and felt that if it was important to her, it should be improtant to me. I REFUSE to blame myself though! No matter what our problems were she had no right to betray me. There is NO excuse! So the issue I'm struggling with is wether i should move on with my life or forgive her. She was clearly guilt-ridden, tears and crying, and BEGGED me to stay with her. Also she's never done anything like this in the past. I would like to believe that this was just one-time thing but she actually did it twice. Once I could deal with as a mistake, but twice?! Even after she said she felt guilty the first time. She's young and inexperienced and I had hoped that i could spare her all the pain and aguish I went through in my previous relationships to get to the point where you know what is truly improtant in a relationship and life: trust, honesty, and integrity. Help me guys! Is this a deal breaker? M