If I was dead .. would anyone care? Would anyone even notice?

[Mysterious Gurl]

Heya everyone,

 

I haven't posted in a while, but I just need to get all my thoughts and feelings out of my system.

 

I'm 16 going on 17, and I work in my college lab as part of my training course I'm doing. My job is basically preparing requisitions and putting them in to classrooms so that the experiments are ready for the lessons.

 

I have my lunch in the science staff room with the sciecne teachers, but because I'm, the youngest no-one really notices me. They don't talk to me or even look at me. It really hurts because don't blank them out. If I see them, I smile or say hello, I ask them how their weekends were etc .. but do anyone of them do that to me? no they don't.

 

They only notice me if they need something doing or if they want something for their lessons. Why can't they see me?

 

Sometimes, I can be completely on my own in the lab or in the staff room, and I think "if I was dead, covered in blood with a knife in my hand how long would it be before someone found me?" and when they do, would they even care? I mean they have hundreds of students so if I'm dead, it's one less pupil to worry about right?

 

The only obvious people who'd care is my mum and dad but my relationship with them isn't really that good.

 

Sometimes I feel so alone, even in a room full of people I feel so lost and lonely. I'm only wanted by my mum and dad and my three closest friends. As much as I love y friends and family, even when I'm around them .. they can't fill my empty space inside.

 

I have got strong feelings for one of the teachers I work with, but he has a girlfriend (story of my life) but he sometimes talks to me and he listens but even he sometimes blanks me out. He's so sweet though, he cares deeply about his students and he makes me feel alive when ever I talk to him because when he does talk to me, he listens. He does fill my empty space and I could go on forever telling you how.

 

I'm a very positive person though .. I mean if I start to feel the slightest big negative about something, I do something to make me happy like, watch football, go online, shopping etc .. I wont pay any attention to my sadness but I think now it's all catching up with me.

 

I hope this all makes sense.

 

When home time came, I was just about to cross the road, and there was a funeral car with a coffin in it, and I just wished I could have swapped places with the person inside that coffin. I really wanted nothing more than to be dead, then suffer this lonliness feeling that I can't seem to fill. This guy can never fill this space because he is a teacher and he has a girlfriend and I'm just not worth anything to him.

 

I'm feeling so utterly confused, but I don't want to die, until I know what love actually feels like ..

 

 

Thanks for reading,

 

Miya

[korruption]

Hi Miya,

 

I have the same problem as you do, it feels like the rest of the world is closed off from me. The only time my friends talk to me is if I talk to them first, no one asks me for my input or opinion, and I just feel the same to everyone: ignored and unimportant. It's escalated into utter chaos as now, whenever anyone even acknowledges me, I get thoughts of paranoia wondering if they are faking it or not. It's crazy… ](*,)

 

I'm not sure how similar it is to what you're going through--but I understand the frustration, hopelessness, and feelings of suicide it can and will produce.

 

I'm sorry I couldn't offer any advice or words of comfort to make this easier to deal with, but as the bulletin name says: You're not alone, and that's certainly the case for this problem. =)

[Mysterious Gurl]

thanks, i'm just glad someone can understand where i'm coming from.

 

I hate feeling like this. I dont want to feel dead but everytime i feel this empty space .. i want to cry my weight in tears

[blukangarou]

hey you guys,

you have well gotta cheer up, it might only be work or some friends making you feel like crap, but remember your familys and there friends, cousins, aunts, uncles. theres more people out there than you think, and theres people on here who'll listen to you, i bet your both attractive, both young and full of life, and could do alot worse with your lives.

so from this day forward, cheer up, talk to peole, and think positive. it won't all be easy but you can do it, i'm sure alot of people rely on you more that you know,

good luck, and be happy however horrible things may seem, it'd not that bad

xxxxxx

[arwen]

Hey gurl,

 

I also know how it feels. I think you conclude your post in a more or less positive way. You are still a very young girl, and you have so much ahead of you, and of course you want to feel how love feels. It's the most beautiful thing in life, it's in my opinion the most basic need. Right now you have friends and family who love you. And who knows, you might meet someone to love in the romantic way very soon...

 

But you know... the most constant factor in your life, is YOU. So the most important relationship in your life, is the relationship with yourself. Of course people will go hysterical if you'd do something to yourself. They will wonder what on earth got into this beautiful, smart young lady to kill herself. Deep inside you know that this is true. But you don't feel it at this moment, because you are feeling very low. It helps to write things down, and I am glad you came to your friends here, so that we can help you. When you feel depressed, you start seeing the world through a sort of fog. Things are blurry. Feelings are far away, you just feel this sort of miserable emptiness. Just keep in mind, that others don't feel it like that. You feel like no one cares because you feel depressed, not because no one cares. Perception is a very tricky thing...

 

Let me illustrate. I recently started a new job, where I had to acquire a lot of information and skills in a very short time. It's a small international branche of a financial institution and it's a great job. It was too much for me, all the new people that I have to see at a daily basis, the new things I have to do, etc.

 

So I sort shut down. This is what I always do when things become too much. I can't take in anymore, so I will avoid meeting people in the eye, distance myself and become VERY untalkative... So my boss and me had this evaluating talk and she was worried about me... all this time I had felt ignored!!! It was ME who shut down, remember? So I started behaving differently, I became more open, it was just a small change because I am still very tired and drained... but I just started smiling more and looking people in the eyes. And it worked, things are much better now, I am back at the place where I feel connected again. Sometimes you have to fix the disconnection yourself, it appears!

 

I hope this little sideroad helped as well, feel free to pm me if you need, ok?

 

Take care,

 

Ilse

[Relationship Coach]

MG,

I'm very sorry for the way that you are feeling right now. Unrequited feelings are more than likely to blame. Teacher-Student relationships are very complicated and frowned upon in the states and I imagine where you live as well. Possibly part of the reason that you feel isolated from the other staff members is because they have to be careful as to how their relationship with you is perceived by others. If they have the slightest idea that you like a teacher beyond the accepted level of a student-teacher relationship, they might be keeping their distance for a good reason. You cannot allow this situation to question your self worth. You have so much to look forward to in life. Things will get better and you will find someone who sends your world in to an uncontrollable spin. Good Luck!

 

RC

[one_old_broad]

You sound just like me many years ago. When I was in high school, I experienced a LOT rejection (a "Mean Girls" type of situation) and I felt like nobody would miss me if I was dead. The only person who knew about this situation was my mother, but she didn't know how to help me, so I just put one foot in front of me every day and got through the best I could until I graduated. I'd like to say things got better once I got out of high school, but I didn't have a clue as to how to have a healthy relationship and I ended up in a lot of bad relationships (hookups, really), eating disorders, and a disaster of a marriage with someone who was even sicker than me. Read on...it does get better. After my divorce, I "accidentally" found a Bible my aunt gave me long ago and I started reading it for the first time. Finding Jesus was the best thing I ever did in my life (actually, I didn't "find" him; he was always there). I could have avoided a lot of pain if I had followed that path earlier, but the past doesn't matter. What matters is here and now. You can find hope and meaning in your life if you accept his free gift. It took me a long time to get where I am, and I felt like sharing this with you so maybe you can avoid some of the pain I went through. Why not give Jesus a try? What have you got to lose? You might be surprised. And one more thing--forget about the teacher, and for now, forget about boyfriends in general. Just concentrate on your own growth and the good stuff will come. Jesus cares, and I care!

[DN]

Hi, Miya good to see you on the forum again. I have missed you being around - and I miss the dancing girl you had in your avatar.

 

It is tough when you are being ignored. I think Relationship Coach may be on to something and it may be that they have that concern. That sort of thing is as much an issue for teachers in England as it is in the States.

 

Is there anyone else with whom you could lunch? Not necessarily every day but sometimes?

 

Do you belong to any student groups or clubs at the college.

[musicguy]

Hi! Sometimes I feel the same way, but you have to go out and talk to some people. As for having a thing for your teacher, that's not good, the whole teacher/student relationship is trouble

[ShySoul]

Miya,

 

I have felt like that on and off for many years now. I often wonder what is the point of getting out of bed because I know everything that will happen in a day and that at the end of it, I'll still be alone. Most of my time throughout my school years was spent alone. Few people really talked to me and only one would I actually consider a friend. Family life has been horrid and I am alone there too. In a crowded room is when I feel most alone, because everyone there knows each other and are enjoying themselves while no one pays attention to me. It makes you feel small and insignificant.

 

Just yesterday the thought went through my head, if I was to kill myself, how long would it be before anyone even noticed? That is a frightening thing to think, and it's frustrating that so many feel that way.

 

You are not alone in your feelings or frustrations. There are those struggling with the same things everyday. You are cared about, and people do notice you. You mentioned your parents and three friends. To those people you mean everything. To the rest of the world, you might not register. But to those 5 people, you are the world. Even if they don't always show it as much as you would like, they need you and care about you more then you know. Try not to think about everyone else, they don't really matter. Instead, concentrate on what you do have, on the friendships you mentioned. If you were dead, they would certainly care and miss you.

 

With the teacher, its fine to have a crush on one. But those boundaries between teacher and student exist for a reason. Even if he didn't have a girlfriend, there would probably be too many obstacles to overcome. I know right now it seems like no one can take his place in your heart. But true love is out there waiting for you. You will find someone else, someone just as good and better. Someone whom you can be with. You may not believe it now, but have faith. You will find it.

[Mysterious Gurl]

Hey,

 

Thanks for your post. I realise I am cared about by some people, but without sounding ungreatful .. I want to be cared about by someone else other than my friends and families.

 

Valentines day is coming up, and I know I'm going to so depressed and miserable. It hurts knowing your going to be alone, and the person you want to spend it with, is with someone else

 

I know nothing could ever happen between me and that teacher, and I kind of hope nothing will. He does sometimes talk to me as though I'm one of his students and I aren't. Or he doesn't look at me when he talks which is a bit ignorant.

 

What I think is relly nice, is if a person is talking to another person, and they look you, if makes you feel apart of the conversation.

 

I just want to feel loved, is that so wrong? I just feel so lonely and I have no idea how to even deal with it.

 

Take care,

 

Miya

[ShySoul]

Miya, we all want to be loved by someone special. It's not too much to ask and its not wrong to feel like this. I can't count the number of nights I have spent lying in bed, crying, wondering if anyone would ever love me. I've dreamed of that relationship every chance I can, hoped and prayed. And still, it never seems to come. At times its too much and I want to give up on it all. I figure I'll never have anything. But that's not true for me and its not true for you either.

 

You will find someone. It will be better then you have dreamed of. And at times you will be frustrated that it hasn't happened yet. That's ok. It's fine to feel bad and upset. It's ok to cry. You just can't let it get you so down that you give up. You have to believe that one day all the waiting will be worth it. Focus on the other loves because it will keep you going when you feel like giving up. I know its not the same as a romantic love, but it is still love and it will help comfort, guide, and cheer you up.

 

One of these days you will have a very special valentine, and you will have him for all eternity. Have faith.

[Mysterious Gurl]

It's so hard to stay positive when you have gone so long without.

 

I just don't know how I'm feeling right now, I usually get depressed at this time of yr because your constantly reminded or valentines day coming up and seeing couples together, valentines gifts and knowing your going to be alone.

 

Like a poster before said, it's juts like singles awareness day lol

 

It's just I envy couples so much! I want to be in the shoes of someone who is in a great relationship, just so I know that love feels like, that way I can determin whats love and whats an obsessive crush ..

 

I'm just son confused about everything. I hate it though because I feel non existent, it's as though no-one realises I have feelings that are easily hurt.

 

When I'm in the lab and a teacher says "Oh .. Miya! please can you get me" or "I need" or "would you be able to" and I'm yeah sure .. but if I was dead on the floor they'd notice me missing when they want something for their stupid lesson!

 

Then it would be "Ohh sh*t she's dead! who's going to sort out my requisitions now????"

 

Teachers ask the other lab technicians how their weekends are, what their up to, how thweir families are and I'm like "why can't you ask me??"

 

Why am I looked down at all the time????? What do I have to for people to realise I exist?? They make me feel so discriminated because I'm the youngest!

 

If I say something, their going to think I'm a winging and having a teenage tantrum!

 

I feel really angry now! I can't believe I have just wound myself up over this!

 

Miya

[ShySoul]

Hmm.... didn't mean for you to get all wound up over it. Only wanted to help cheer you up by letting you know the feelings are natural and you aren't alone in them. But maybe it is good you get it out like this, vent your frustrations.

 

I've gone my entire life, wondering when I would have a valentine of my own to hold. A year ago, I thought I had met someone who would turn out to be her, the one I had longed for. Things didn't start to get serious until after V-day, but once it did, somewhere in my mind I was thinking that I would finally have that special someone. I thought about how I would plan romantic things for her on Valentines, treat her like the angel she was. And for awhile, things seemed good. I wasn't saddened whenever I saw a couple walking. But things went bad, and I was left broken and hurt. This Valentines is going to be extra hard for me, cause I'll be thinking about what I almost had, but don't.

 

My friend (also feels this way) and I have made the day our own anti-valentines day. We've made it a day for the singles, a day to appreciate the good things that come from being unattached. You have freedom and can do your own thing instead of having to live up to a partners expectations. Yes, we still feel lonely and sad as well. And we know that one day (hopefully soon), we will have someone. It hurts us to see couples so "happy." But we try not to let it bring us down too much. It's not worth it. Why let it make us miserable? It hurts, but we are still stronger.

 

About being noticed, I'm always overlooked as well. So I know how annoying it is. It's like, "well, you could ask how my family is. They are good, thanks. " Do you attempt to make small talk with them? Or are you more the quite one who doesn't speak up? I think with me its that I tend to hold back and not speak as much. So I can fade into the background. But if you are regularly saying hi and asking how they are and smiling, that tends to be contagious and they are more likely to ask you. I know, it stinks that they don't ask already, thats just being polite and friendly. But sometimes people don't have the best manners, and we have to make do by taking the initiative.

 

I'm really sorry you feel this way. Keep venting if you need to and if you think it helps any. Hang in there, valentines will be over soon and then I see you having good luck on St. Patricks day.

[Mysterious Gurl]

Hey,

 

I'm sorry - I didn't meant to make sound as though you wound me up. It's just me .. when I was writing that post .. I was reflecting on it, and it all came screaming back in to my head and I just lost it. It wasn't your fault at all!!! I'm sorry, I should have made that clear.

 

I'm sorry to hear you and your friend feel down also, I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone, not even my worst enemy.

 

I'm rather flirty and chatty actually .. I'm always flirting with people, teachers (but in a non attractive way lol) students, the elderly lol .. I'm always complimenting people and making them feel good about themsleves and I smile and laugh a lot. So really .. no-one has a clue that I feel the way I do.

 

I always ask how people are, I ask them how their weekends were, how their feeling etc .. people do ask me back .. but I always have to make the first move!

 

I feel discriminated because of my age.

 

I just get so upset because .. I feel so lonely and un-noticed (not that I'm an attention seeker) and when I feel un-noticed .. I wish I had someone special to make me feel as though I have a reason to live.

 

I really like this teacher. He's never taught me and I'm a college student, but he has a girlfriend and I envy her so much. I just hope she really appreciates him because he's just one of the nicest guys I know, but ssaying that .. he sometimes makes me like a ghost .. so I guess he's not worth my attention.

 

I hope you and your friend find someone special very soon, and I hope that person appreciates you for the great person you are, you and your friend.

 

Take care,

 

Miya *hugs*

[ShySoul]

Hi,

 

No problem, I figured the post was venting your frustrations, nothing directed towards me. Was just trying to figure out the best way to help you, since I know all to well how you feel and wouldn't wish it on anyone either. But at least we are in it together and can help each other through.

 

Thank you for your wishes. I appreciate them. I'll tell my friend, I know he'll appreciate them as well.

 

I also feel like I'm always the one to reach out to others. And yet, its like I'm invisible. Friends going out or having a party, don't invite me. Have a group who will message me online, but its 98% about them and what they are going through, generally only messaged when they need help. And when I try to express how I feel, it is either ignored or gets turned around on me. Doesn't seem fair.

 

Wish I knew how to turn things around. Only thing that can really be done in the meantime is to have hope for something different.

 

Hmm... this is becoming a venting thread. Anyone else want to join?

 

Hope you are having a nice day miya. Smile!

[Mysterious Gurl]

lol yeah,

 

It's good to vent, I sometimes just get so caught up in my feelings when I'm around those people that I want to explode right at them .. the times I have been tempted to stand up and say

 

"Hey you! I exist! don't just sit there ignore me!" and Only now I realise that sounds so corny!!!

 

It's just as though people I work with .. see me when they want something, they treat other staff like friends and have make jokes about things and I'm just thinking, would it ya to include me in the joke/conversation??

 

They make me feel so down, I have no idea how to make them see that I'm a mature, hard working person with feelings too.

 

It's as though I have to prove myself to them??? For instance, about a week ago when the science staff and lab technicians where having lunch, the teacher I kinda like, was swearing while he was telling this funny story and he was acting a right prat! then afterwards when I went in to his class to put some experiments in there .. he spoke to me as though I was a kid!

 

I hate that they ignore, and if in the future, I ever work there as a teacher (like I hope I do) I know I will never ignore the young student working there.

 

Hope you had a good day too shysoul!

 

Miya

[Beebs]

I have problems just like everyone. My problems are different than yours and yours are different than other peoples.

I have had a hair pulling disorder (kind of an OCD called Trich) since the 1st grade (if you want to know more go to the hair pulling disorder forum). I have, or had, 2 older brothers and the oldest, which was like a second dad to me (he was 12 years older than me and around more than my working dad), died when I was in 5th grade. My other brother went downhill from there and ended up in jail twice, the second time for a year. He now is married has 3 kids and is probably going to get a divorce and it sucks since I love my sister-in-law (she is almost my best friend).

Through all that was happening I was alone, no friends (I looked horrible because of my hair pulling problem), and my family was such a wreck that they weren't there for me either.

I got into highschool and smoked pot, drank hardcore, and partied a ton. Then after I broke up with my emotionally abusive boyfriend of 2 years just after graduating highschool and I basically turned into a hore. I hated myself and I just wanted someone to love me I thought sex was the way to go. I walked in on a guy that I had been dating for 3months and found him about to get it on with a different girl. After all this I ended up getting a very bad rep of being "Easy" in my small town so finally I just picked up and move to a new city and state.

I started over and you know what finally I am happy. No things aren't picture perfect like in the movies but I am ok with that. I live with my boyfriend (my soulmate) of a year and we have 2 puppies and we are moving into our very own condo next week.

Trust me you will find that "right" beautiful loving guy but you have to go through a lot of Sh** to get there. It sucks but the best lesson I've learned is "everything takes time" not matter what it is. It is probably one of the toughest lessons to learn and deal with.

Now I almost killed myself on many occasions but I don't know how or why but I never actually went through with it. I am glad to be alive, even though I am very self-contious, I still have my hair pulling problem, my bro and sis-in-law are almost done, and things aren't exactly the way I planned they would be.

If you see you are not alone in feeling alone. You are at that age that feels like the world is closing in on you or you feel like you are just watching your body live your life. I've been there and so have so many others. What I have to say is DON'T GIVE UP it isn't worth it there is better things to come, I know from experience. I never went to a therapist or got help, I was never on medication, I did this by myself.

If you need to talk more I am here I am not far from your age, I am almost 20 and I've been there. I hope I've showed you some sort of hope.

[katie831]

i know how you feel. last year i was in a different college and i had like one friend. I am not sure why no one wanted to talk to me but it relaly became quite bad. MY abusive father still lived with us so i spent most of my time in my room..sometimes it would be days before i would speak out loud. I went to see a counsellor but she didn't really help, you could try seeing one maybe?

i am now at a different college and am enjoying it so much more. I have friends and i generally just seem happier. I still feel a,slight emptiness but that is a whole other story.

Just wanted to say that these feelings you are experiencing are not uncommon and that it will get better.

xxx