Stop Looking for it and it will come. But there's a catch.

[ShySoul]

Thus best thing is to stop worrying about it and start living. Take things as they come and let it all flow naturally. Now thats cool.

[Kevin T]

There you go. Waiting doesn't work.

[darkblue]

The thing with 'not looking' for love, is fine.

It just means you lose the aura of desperation. And that isn't any loss to grieve over...

 

You can stop looking without not looking - big difference.

 

If you sit in your house, day after day - it is OBVIOUS you are not going to find anyone.

 

But if you stop frantically worrying that you are getting older, and the grey hairs may put off potential partners - there is a problem.

 

Stop looking, but don't not look! (double negative, I know)

[Frangipani]

Lets put it another way. You cannot and will not attract people into your life until you are fine with being alone and realise you don't NEED anyone to make you happy. People who NEED to be in a relationship stand out like a sore toe, seriously. When I met my last boyfriend I had been alone for a while and had done a lot of healing. And, surprisingly enough, I was quite fine with being by myself, was confident and enjoying life.

 

My ex liked me straight away BECAUSE of that. He always said he loved the fact I made him laugh, was not needy, had a life of my own and was not desperate for a man to make me happy....because I already WAS happy. He just made my life a lot fuller.

 

If you are alone, well, use the time to do things that YOU enjoy and work on yourself. knigt007, if you think you are ugly and all the other negative things you say about yourself, how is anyone else going to love you?? 31 is not old. I'm 37 and have broken up with my ex of 4 years and yeah, it hurts to be alone again at my age, but I have to make the most of it. I have always found i meet people (friends and partners) through doing things that I enjoy (hobbies etc). Take some courses, take dance lessons, just get out and do stuff that YOU enjoy....like minds come together in many places. You'd be amazed.

 

BTW my best friend since I was 12 (a guy) is 37 and batchelor. He's a funny, intelligent, good looking guy with a good job, his own house etc...and is perfectly happy being alone. He has never had a girlfriend either but is too busy to really worry about it. Not saying he wouldn't LIKE a girlfriend, i know he would, but he doesn't spend his life worrying it. He's too busy travelling, keeping fit and doing cool stuff. Lifes what you make it dude.

[KweenofDenyl]

I stopped looking. Nothing has happened.

Oh, I'm sure some of it is situational--where I live is fairly rural, my standards are higher these days, I am a single parent not able/interested in further procreation (why do so many men see that as a negative???).

 

So now it's been 6 years. And let's face it, in our society women are just plain less desirable the older they get.

 

And I'm tired of being alone. There is no magic phrase, no special place to meet "good quality" mates, no internet dating site that is going to solve it. I'm not going to read one more book with a dipsh*t title about his not being into you. I'm not going to feel sorry for myself. But most of all, I'm not going to be bitter. Nope.

[hosswhispra]

The thing with 'not looking' for love, is fine.

It just means you lose the aura of desperation. And that isn't any loss to grieve over...

 

You can stop looking without not looking - big difference.

 

If you sit in your house, day after day - it is OBVIOUS you are not going to find anyone.

 

But if you stop frantically worrying that you are getting older, and the grey hairs may put off potential partners - there is a problem.

 

Stop looking, but don't not look! (double negative, I know)

 

I agree, if you don't leave your house or break out of your normal routine every once in awhile, Mrs. Right or Mr. Right is not going to magically float into your home through a window.

 

However, *I think* it does become more difficult to meet singles as you become more mature (i.e. 30's on up). Most of the 30's on up population seem to already committed (i.e., married or attached in a long-term relationship or other type of relationship).

 

There is a really good website called: link removed this website is a place where you can find group activities of your interest and meet people who have the same interests (e.g., hiking, biking, going out to try different types of ethnic cuisine, book clubs, snorkeling---anything you name it and there is a group that exists for it!). I belong to a hiking group that I found from link removed and I have met some really nice people. These are people I would not have met otherwise, if I did not break from my regular routine.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

Being alone for a short while is ok. Being alone for eons digs in you every minute of every day. Some people cannot be satisfied alone if it is the norm. While it is not attractive to look desperate for a lover, you cannot help thinking that way when your entire life is filled with emptiness, loneliness and a feeling of being incomplete.

[SkylinesTurnstiles]

u chase love it just ......happens

[Juha]

If you don't look for it you won't find it...

 

As you get older things are more difficult in finding someone...

 

The field has been whittled down, as married, in a relationship, etc...

 

The ones who are left in that age group are more often than not less desirable...

 

I have started looking younger to find someone but then you run into the age stigma that people have...It all makes me not give a fvck anymore...

 

It is much easier to be by yourself and just accept it...If you can I guess

[Kevin T]

Isn't that called 'giving up?'

[pos69sum]

i was late 20s when i realized that the 'not looking for strategy' was a load of BS. work on yourself, your career, your social life, etc. so that you are *always* ready for it - i.e., you are a complete person with a full life, with many things to offer a prospective partner.

[Imperceptible]

I agree, if you don't leave your house or break out of your normal routine every once in awhile, Mrs. Right or Mr. Right is not going to magically float into your home through a window.

 

However, *I think* it does become more difficult to meet singles as you become more mature (i.e. 30's on up). Most of the 30's on up population seem to already committed (i.e., married or attached in a long-term relationship or other type of relationship).

 

 

Everyone says to be optimistic but with every passing day I get closer and closer to my 30's and then the pool of eligible bachelors will dry up. That only adds to the worries of single people in their 20's and 30's. If we don't look for someone soon we'll never find someone.

[skyblue1]

I've given up a long time ago in finding the one or love. It always seems to go wrong anyway. I usually meet more men when i say to myself thats it i've had enough of men and i don't want one anyway and then all of a sudden i meet a guy and guess what happens? it messes up again! I'm very lonely and tearful. But what can you do hey keep on living and put it to one side. Wish i could help all of you people who feel like this. Wish you all the best and i hope you find him x

[DonMiguel]

Just started reading this thread.

 

In my best times, the times when I found love, and the time when I found my soulmate ...

 

(As opposed to the times when I couldn't have hit love with a stick, and the time I lost my soulmate)

 

... love was inside me. I didn't have to look for it because the people I loved and the people who loved me were responding to something we both had inside us.

 

It's hard to describe what it is unless you've experienced it, but I really believe something inside the two of you will attract each other.

 

Don

[yeawutever]

Love will come when you least expected it.

[Orlander]

Ha! I was a mess after the last ex I had. I got wrapped up in anguish, pain, loneliness and soothed my emotions by having several flings and not being emotionally available.

 

Then, after a more than modest amount of time passed, I felt something in me tell me that I was ready to date again. After that, I knew I was close to finding someone...I just knew! The very first girl I asked out, after experiencing this feeling of being ready, was my current ex. We dated for 4 years.

 

I still have much to learn and know when I come out of this funk, sadness this time around, I will be even stronger and so will the love I find. Yeah, you cant just sit back and do the same ole thing and expect to find love. I actually took the initative and walked up to my ex and started talking to her. It was immediate that we were meant for each other (well, for 4 years anyway). I know in my heart had I seen her two weeks prior to that, I would not have been interested and would not have talked to her.

 

So, when you are really ready, you will find love...you will meet it halfway.

 

 

Orlander

[Imperceptible]

I'm almost 30 and even though I've resigned myself to the fact that I'll always be alone too I refuse to believe I'm getting old. I'm the only person in my group of friends who are not married or engaged or attached. I feel lonely a lot but sometimes I look at them and their relationships and wonder how can they throw their lives away by sitting home with their spouses and never going out to have fun. I think they are the old ones. When they have children their free time is gone. When we go out they cut the night short because they have to rush home to be with fiancees or kids or spouses. I desperately want someone to love other than myself. But I don't want to give up the parts of life I want to share with someone else just so I can be in a relationship. The "youthful" post-30 couples are the couples who can still enjoy life within a relationship. It all depends on how you see things.

 

If they look old at 30 with gray hair wrinkles and all it makes me wonder what have they been doing in their lives to age so fast? It's not all about age and genetics. Differences in stress and lifestyle is important to aging too.

 

I too am unlucky in love. People say I'm beautiful and nice and smart but I can't get a date and love.

You're right, I tried loving myself and I still do but sometimes loving yourself isn't enough.

 

But you seem to be basing your self-love on how other people feel about you. You hate yourself when you feel people see you as a jerk. You should be able to say "if you see me as a jerk, then **** off because you must be a jerk not to see how great I really am."

 

Why do you think you're a jerk? Do you say or do mean things to people?

I've had people cringe or feel animosity towards me too but I concluded they were the jerks. Don't assume you're the jerk when others are acting strange.

[Imperceptible]

I think I just badly sarcastic, for lack of better words. I don't have a sense of humor and instead end up saying stupid things like: * * * * * * *, jerk, idiot, when I mean it with affection and in jest. The problem is that I don't say "just kidding" and so I come off as a jerk. Oh and I freaking whine!!! I whine about every damn stupid thing and I think I'm always right. Mostly I'm always wrong. Usually I do try to put myself down in front of those same people just so they don't have to, and that way I feel that I'm correcting some of my wrongs.

 

I call people jerk or idiots as a joke once I get to know them and learn what kind of humor they are comfortable with. And they're okay with it. But if I learn they not comfortable with me joking around like that then I use a different approach. Maybe you're surrounded by people who don't have the same humor.

Since you know you're a whiner, then stop yourself when you feel the urge to whine. When the thought pops into your head, recognize he whininess, and don't say it. Say something else.

 

Personally I think I'm a failure as a human being. Every time I leave one place to start somewhere else I tell myself that this time I will be different, this time I will not be a jerk....and I end up failing each time. I think I wear out my welcome anywhere I go...and I don't understand why I do this. The only explanation I give myself is that I don't have anyone to talk to in my life and so I end up talking too much and being too stupid where I should not be. Sarcasm and joking seems to be the exact opposite thing I do in the presense of a girl that I'm attracted to. In those cases I just go stupid. Heck I go stupid with any stranger for that matter...sometimes I can't even come up with a coherent statement, it is quite pathetic.

 

Do you have any friends you can call to talk to? If so, call them every day if you have to so when you meet new people you won't reveal too much information?

Maybe you should come up with some icebreaker lines and say them everyday. When you meet someone new you'll have something coherent to say. I don't think I'll find someone to love but in case I meet someone who notices me and I notice him in a store or library or work I prepared 2 good lines to break the ice and I repeat them to myself often so I can be prepared when the opportunity presents itself.

I also worry about wearing out my welcome but I look at the other person's body language to get a hint. If they're yawning, sighing, looking somewhere else, not listening, looking at a watch or clock, or not maintaining eye contact, then I take that as a cue to leave and I make up an excuse to leave The best excuses are I'm going to the restroom, I see someone I know over there excuse me, I'm hungry or thirsty so I'm going to get something to eat or drink.

 

 

I agree with you that it is nice to not be married with children and hence effectively still be "free", but it is definitely not fun to be alone. I've been alone for 31 years and though I have a decent job and house, it is lonely as heck to come home to nothing. Soon enough my mom will move in and I will be taking care of here, so I guess I will feel better for being able to care for her, but that is not the same as being with someone that you can share your time, someone that you can hold in your arms and someone that will return that love to you. I feel that I have missed out on a lot. I've missed out on those fun trips which are best shared with someone and I probably don't have as much time left on this world to do all of that (I'm not talking suicide because I definitely do not want to die).

 

I agree wholeheartedly. It's awful being alone and not having someone to share the good things in life with you. I too feel like I've missed out on a lot. But I don't want you to associate being 31 with being too old and decrepit to find someone. I said in an earlier post that we're in trouble if we don't find someone by 30 because the dating pool dries up. It's not because we'll be old and no one will be attracted to us. It's because the over 30 people will be married, engaged, in a relationship, dating a 20 yr. old, or in jail.

I've resigned myself to being a young hopelessly single woman.

 

ughh...I wish I even half as eloquent as some of the posters to this forum, it would give me some confidence that maybe my eloquence could attract someone. I wish everyone that is looking to find whatever they are looking for...if I can't find my love, then I can at least be happy that you find yours. I think this is why I've recently liked to watch love story movies because the good guy wins out in the end - it gives me hope.

 

I hate love stories right now. My luck has always reminded me that life is not like the movies. Movies remind me of how nice love could be and that hurts when I don't have love. I'm happy you can turn to movies for hope. Sadly I lost all of my hope.

[blemished]

"The One" is meaningless. He still broke her heart, just like love broke mine too (twice). Just because someone left us does not guarantee that we will meet someone else, fall in love, and live happily ever after with THEM. Nor does it decrease the amount of pain and/or bitterness we feel.

[NCTuskie]

I'm gonna sound negative... sorry... I found love when I wasn't expecting it. He is the one for me, but he decided he couldn't be in a relationship because he needed to get his life together... what a cruel joke to give someone love and then take it away...

 

AMEN!!!

 

When I met my ex, I was not looking for love, romance, or even a relationship. I was busy "getting myself together" from my previous relationships. Everything seemed to be going good, and she didn't need me anymore.

 

So now my attitude is pretty much f*** it all.

[n2ndplace]

Yes it is a hard way to live. I have been divorced for 13 years. Had several boyfriends over the years. But they just didn't seem to be what I really wanted. Now I know a man who is the most wonderful, handsome , sexy , kind man I have ever known. And he will never be mine. That is worse than not knowing anyone in particular that you think you would want. Is it better to know, and see someone you wish you could have, or just not know.

I don't know. It just is not good.

[RedyWaiting]

Hey knigt,

 

I've been reading all your posts and I have to tell you I've never laughed (in a good way) and cried (because I feel for you) at the same time like I have now! Laugh because I can tell you are funny person! And cry because I feel for you... I'm 21 and never been with a girl... You probably have some smart comments / jokes that come out of your mind when in a conversation, and because of that people take it the wrong way, but who cares forget them! I'm the same way. Sometimes I make partly rude jokes to new people I meet but I make it funny and I let them know I'm joking. Maybe it's just something small you have to work on. Just always have a smile on your face. Always try to glow!

 

My greatest suggestion for you is this:

 

Since your single, living on your own so no one will worry about you, and have a job so you have money, you should take a trip around the world! Yes even alone, it's called backpacking. If you can't be happy for yourself, atleast enjoy what the world has to offer, beautifal places and people. Take a trip to Europe for a month or two. See the world, you Will meet people on a trip like this but at the same time your travelling and your seeing new places will take your mind off your single life. And atleast you'll create good memories for yourself when you get back home. And since you're not "looking for love" but just travelling, you might even naturally meet the special someone! Besides, 31 is not even that old. When I read your stuff you sound like your talking like my father who is 50+ but you're only 31! Your free and still in the age to go out and meet people. Your life isn't even half way through, you know how much time that is? And your first 15 years are just as a child so that doesn't count as youre "grown up" life. So take a vacation! You might even decide to move your life elsewhere, you never know The reason you're still thinking about this girl for 11 years is because you haven't met anyone new yet. The second you meet someone new you'll forget about the girl like breakfast last week. Don't give up so soon!

[Imperceptible]

Yes it is a hard way to live. I have been divorced for 13 years. Had several boyfriends over the years. But they just didn't seem to be what I really wanted. Now I know a man who is the most wonderful, handsome , sexy , kind man I have ever known. And he will never be mine. That is worse than not knowing anyone in particular that you think you would want. Is it better to know, and see someone you wish you could have, or just not know.

I don't know. It just is not good.

 

 

I think it's better not to know someone at all. It would hurt to see someone wonderful who will always be out of my reach. I would feel constant jealousy for this person's SO too. I would be miserable whenever I see them together.

 

Is there person you're talking about married? If he's a priest or gay, then my reply may not make much sense.

[trishcollins]

Well, here's my two cents.

 

First, in terms of relationships and having never been married, I am ancient. At 46 years old, never having been married or in a relationship longer than 22 months (my last ex), you would think I would be totally discouraged by now. I now have some wrinkles, gray hair, and no longer possess a backside you can bounce a quarter off of (not for lack of trying though).

 

I have been actively "looking" for that right "one" for 30 years. I have had 3 semi-serious relationships (lasting less than 3 months) and one serious (lasted 22 months, with the intention of moving in together and marriage), so I can honestly look back and say whether I was looking or not when I met these people.

 

The serious person I met on Lavalife, although I had just the day before told a friend I was sick of all the losers and idiots I kept meeting through Internet dating and was going to meet this one guy and if it didn't work out, I was done with online dating. My attitude when I met him was basically "let's just get this over with so I can go back to being alone". I remember I was very clear on what I wanted and didn't want, and he got the message. I felt I had nothing to lose because I wasn't having any luck anyway, so why not just lay it on the line. Anyway, we went out for two years after that (timing and circumstance ended the relationship).

 

Anyway, all that to say I am pretty sure attitude is what attracts you to someone. Desparation scares people away. Just think how you would feel if you were around someone who seemed desparate or needy -- who basically said their happiness hinged on being in a relationship with someone -- what kind of pressure must that be. You would run the other direction as fast as you could.

 

However, meet someone who is a bit ellusive and seems to be happy just being themself, and you will be instantly interested. Anyone can be happy in their own life and still want to be with someone, but if they make the wanting the focus of their life, it will definitely turn people off.

 

My previous two semi-serious relationships came out of work colleagues who were friends first and there was no pressure to date, and one day you just find yourself looking at that person differently and it happens. Again, I wasn't really looking at the time, at least not at either of these guys. I was probably looking elsewhere and certainly wasn't being desparate or needy when I was in their company.

 

I so also think it's crap to stop looking, but I think that you need to stop being "needy" and/or "desparate". After all my breakups, once I get over the fact that it's "done" and start to move on, I find myself desparate to be with someone again, to be needed and loved and in a relationship, maybe to prove to myself that someone out there does want me. I really can see the fear in the eyes of my dates when I am in that "zone".

 

Then after I go through the "there's no one out there" routine, and get angry and discouraged by the jerks and losers and scum I meet on-line, I finally give up and go back to living my life fully and completely single -- doing what I want, when I want and not giving a second thought to being alone. I still find myself checking out people when I am in public or at parties, but I am not obvious. Usually when I am in that mode, I tend to meet someone.

 

John Lennon said "Life is what happens while you are busy making plans", so if we spend all our time desparately searching for that other person, we are not living in the moment. Take it from someone who has narrowly escaped death not once, but twice, you don't want to waste your life. You want to live it. Honestly, and I know this is totally cliché, but if you are doing something you love, it comes out in your personality and people will be attracted to you. I love my horses and riding, and I spend as much time doing that as possible, and I find that all of a sudden, people who never bothered asking before, start to take an interest. Find something that interestes you -- travel, photography, biking, camping, painting, gardening, ballroom dancing, book clubs, etc. and just give it a try. You have nothing to lose and you might end up enjoying yourself and picking up or improving a skill.

 

I know it can be hard to be alone (I am a vetern of Sats at home with a video). I know it can be a challenge to be around "smugged marrieds", but you don't have much of an alternative, unless you are willing to be with anyone just to say you are in a relationship. I would rather be alone and happy than in a relationship and miserable.

 

Right now I am single, and have joined a dating service (they do the leg work, and leave me to live my life), so in a way, I am looking, but in another way, I am not. I haven't put my life on hold so that if "Mr. Right" does show up, I can fit him in nicely. If he shows up now, he is going to find my life is full of friends and family and plans to travel and he will have to figure out how to fit in.

[sparkly]

i thought i loved someone but then someone else came along who i became good friends with. All along i was saying to myself no they're just a friend but the more i got to know them and found that we shared similar interest the more i grew to like them as more than a friend. My point is i wasn't really looking for someone else and one day after about a year he just started talking to me. i'm not in love though,i don't think. what is love anyway?