DonMiguel

I agree in principle, but I think it comes down to this. She fell in love with a man who had self-regard, not with a man who doted on her and begged for her love. Spending time finding yourself is far more likely to re-ignite those flames than going out of your way to impress her.

I'm totally behind everything you've said. I wish you luck and I believe if she does still love you, she's going to be grateful one day that you took this approach. I think Bethany is describing someone who doesn't love the dumpee anymore. My situation is that we split 18 months ago and she said she doesn't love me anymore, but she still calls me regularly, and if I don't respond to the message she left, she'll call again and again every couple of days till I call back. Last Monday she called, and I responded with an e-mail saying I was out of my mind busy, but I'd call later in the week. She called again the next day and then started sending e-mails once a day. This is 18 months later. She's had tons of chances to quietly let if fade away. So, at what point should I "accept that it wasn't meant to be"? Not everyone is capable of laying their heart on the line and saying, "Yeah, I miss you." Short history: For the first six months I did everything I could to impress her. (mememe, as you put it, GoingForIt.) Then I went into a period of trying to understand just who I was. Then finally, I decided to accept all her decisions, choices, directions, and actions, and just be there when she needed me. That's where I am now. I don't actively expect her to come to me and ask me back. I'm just getting my own sh|t in order, barely contacting her, but responding (eventually) when she contacts me. Like this weekend when she needed to talk about problems with her little girl and an operations he's having on Tuesday. Maybe we will one day end up together, and I seemed to recognize at some point that I wanted to be worthy of her. The me from two years ago was not as nice as I'd been pretending to myself. Now, I'm getting there, ironically by NOT focusing on my needs, but on the needs of others.

I've heard stories online and in real life of people pulling it together at some point. My gut feeling is, if the love was strong and there were issues that needed to be addressed, it can work if those issues are addressed. My perspective on my relationship, which ended 18 months ago, is that if we can be friends -- and I mean real friends who give without it being in the hope of getting something in return -- then maybe one day. But I also believe that at some point you have to completely let go on every level and accept that what once was is over. Anything that happens from then on will be new. And that gets back to my point about offering friendship unconditionally. If you are willing to be friends (and just try to imagine two people getting back together when one of the two is trying to manipulate the situation by withholding affection), I think it's a good starting point even if that goes against the whole no contact concept. I think no contact can be very helpful especially if you're upfront that you need some space and that it's not a tactic. You DO need space if you are to get yourself back, and at least in my situation, that's what I needed to do.

I'm in more of a limited contact mode (which is made easier by the fact that we live several hours away from each other). The reason is, while we were together, I sort of damaged the trust she had for me over and over again by lashing out, judging, being hypercritical, etc. We had a lot of fights and I wasn't very nice. I decided to work on my anger. We split 18 months ago and for the first few months, it looked like she wanted to believe we'd have a future. But during that time, although I was holding back a lot of the resentment, I occasionally erupted. Whatever trust she still had, I probably crushed. So, I went deeper this time and resolved a lot of issues with myself. We decided to be friends and haven't had any kind of fight in almost a year now. There have been several times when we tried to stop contact, mainly her choice, but she always came back. The past 6 months I've noticed that if I get too close emotionally or contact her often, she runs away. But if I back off, I'll usually get a call within a few days. If I don't call back, I'll get another one. That continues until I call her. Honestly, I'm fine with us being just friends. At one point I craved more, but I'm at peace now with the way things are. The thing is, about a year ago she said she wanted to start dating. I said I was fine with it, but when she told me about a guy she was with, I kind of lashed out. In the middle of the year, I told her that I wanted to be friends and that I wouldn't lash out again. I promised. A few weeks back, she told me she was going to meet a guy she'd met online. It was around this time that I'd decided to back away a little, but once she told me this, I just knew she was going to think I was reacting to her dating, which a) I wasn't b) I don't want her to think that because although right now is not a good time for us to be together, there may come a time in the future that IS right. I don't want to damage whatever trust is being rebuilt by being seen to have broken my word. So, since Christmas, I've basically been responsive, but not actively contacting her. If she writes to me, I'll wait a day or two and then write back. If she calls to chat, I never answer the phone, and I'll usually write a few hours later and say that I'm busy with such and such, but I'll call her in a couple of days. I find this very peaceful. I no longer expect her to contact me, so I'm never disappointed anymore. But ignoring all her calls and e-mails for 30 days just wouldn't work for me.

I wish there was an amnesia pill that made you forget all woman for 10 days. Because in 10 days, you'll have a new perspective. You might still love her and miss her, but you'll still see all this in a new way. NC is rarely going to send someone running away from you if they love you. It may cause them to retaliate with their own NC. But they won't decide to stay away from you inf they love you just because you haven't been available for 10 days unless they tried to contact you and feel you're ignoring them or something. Chill for a few days. Do something fun. Don

Just started reading this thread. In my best times, the times when I found love, and the time when I found my soulmate ... (As opposed to the times when I couldn't have hit love with a stick, and the time I lost my soulmate) ... love was inside me. I didn't have to look for it because the people I loved and the people who loved me were responding to something we both had inside us. It's hard to describe what it is unless you've experienced it, but I really believe something inside the two of you will attract each other. Don

Yeah, I did that. She said she doesn't want to get back with me. Have you ever seen someone who is obviously in love, but they say they're not? What do you say to that person. I have a friend like that. I tell her, "You love the guy. You just wish you didn't for some reason." I'm not suffering. We're friends. I believe one day we'll be more. I have some growing to do. (Clearly, so does she.) We'll see what happens. I just find it interesting that she was so adamant that she didn't need me. Don

A friend said to me today, "She (my ex) gets these moments where she is more needy than other times... tough on you.. because after the rush, you got used to it and then nothing." Basically she was saying what a couple of other people have said recently, that I am her emotional crutch and that's when she calls me. My reply to my friend was: "Yeah, they seem to coincide with the times when she hasn't heard from me in a while." And it's true. If I don't contact her for a few days, some crisis seems to happen. (However, it's not true that she only contacts me when she's needy. She often contacts me to ask how I'm doing.) Still, I never really did NC or LC until recently. It does seem to make a difference. I've just noticed a different attitude from her. Don

BP, as a general rule (that has exceptions), I think inactivity can never be a mistake in your situation. If ever faced with the option of do something or do nothing, and if you have doubts, do nothing. That being said, send him a lite message. I wouldn't apologize or anything. Just a nice hi message. Don