guys nite out, at a strip club

[SeaBisquit]

last nite was my bf's birthday, he went out with a few of his friends instead of spending the nite together. I later found out that him and his friends had gone to a strip club and that they had paid for him to get a lap dance. I asked him if things had went any further than a lap dance and he said no. I'm not sure if I believe him and really I'm upset that he got a lap dance. He said that they just had some guy fun and that that's is as far as it went. i don't really think this is something guys should being doing if they are in a relationship with someone. He thinks I'm overeacting to the whole thing. but i don't i kinda look at it as cheating. it's the same thing right. he got a lap dance from another girl. now i don't trust him. am i wrong?

[hockeyboy]

im sure nothing else happened...for the most part its not like that. most guys look at a lap dance as no big deal. if its something you really cant deal with, explain that to him..dont just get mad.

[HellFrost666]

Personally, I think the girls in strip clubs are skanky and I have better things to do with my money then blow it on skanky women. But, I don't think a lap dance is cheating, assuming it didn't go any further.

[SeaBisquit]

to me any kind of touching is considered cheating, and the girl was half naked.how can this be ok?

[kellbell]

Hi there!

 

Lapdances are no biggie...to the strippers...it's just a job. Why do you consider it cheating, just curious? Maybe that is something you need to talk to about and get on even ground about. Talk to him about it...don't get angry because apparently this is something you two never talked about in the past and had no idea you feel so strongly about so this is not all his fault. It's not fair to him that he gets steamrolled over something he didn't know you felt about. Take care and good luck.

[SeaBisquit]

he saw another girl naked, that bother me alot. i know she wasn't fully naked but it still the same to me. and it bothers me that he didn't tell me where he was going i had to hear about it from someone else. that makes me fel a little suspicious.

[kellbell]

So if he looks a porn, is that cheating to you too? He probably didn't tell you because he saw it as no big deal. Like I said, talk to him about it. Tell him you are hurt because he didn't tell you about it, that trust is very important to you and that your boundries concerning cheating includes strip clubs and lapdances. Like I said...he should not get steamrolled over uncovered territory in your relationship.

[lunatic]

Well in NJ the strip clubs that serve booze do not have totally naked women running around. He will see the same type of skin at a beach. As for the lap dance I dont think they are a biggie. Remember that this is a job for the woman and the guy it's pretty lame. They really do nothing for me and I have NEVER gotten aroused by one.

 

As KEllbell stated you have to talk to him if your that opposed to him going to places like that. It really is not fair to him that you have this issue and he had no idea. If you want to have your relationship work then you should be able to talk to him about ANYTHING. Remember that you want to TALK not fight!

[smallworld]

Jayceeraira, you're neither wrong or overreacting. They deceit is troubling and you're right to question why a guy would be interested in such "entertainment" when he's already in a relationship. But knowing what I do about strip clubs from guy friends, I don't believe much more happened than what he told you. The girls there are in it for the money, not to meet potential new love interests. It probably was guy fun for him -- for some reason leering at half-naked women in groups bonds guys and reassures them that they're "MEN" -- but unfortunately he wasn't "man" enough to tell you where he was going probably because he knew you wouldn't approve.

 

Rather than dwell on what he did an didn't do that night, I think you're right to focus on the deceit and whether or not this is something you can live with. Talk to him and let him know what's really bothering you about all this. Once he responds with his "truth", you'll know what to do. Good luck!

[Dako]

I guess subjects like pornograhy and strippers should be discussed on a first date to prevent this sort of dilemma. Might make for a lively chat.

 

This sure seems to be a sore subject for many couples. It might be good to get it out in the open long before it becomes a big rift. I'm amazed at the range of opinions on these subjects.

 

I've only been in tty bars at the urging of my friends and felt really odd there until I realized it was about as erotic as watching paint dry. Well maybe a little more so. It was just something different to do. If a guy spends all his time there he's either pathetic or a maybe bouncer.

[Mrocza]

If you trust him, you have nothing to worry about.

 

I would also be a little upset if my boyfriend got a lap dance from some random girl, but I know it wouldn't go any further than that. It's not like he asked for it anyways...Try to let it go, maybe take his mind off of it by giving him a lap dance of your own so he knows what hes got

[RayKay]

I don't think you are wrong for feeling this way as a reaction....while personally I have no problem with strip clubs (within reason....daily visits are not acceptable, bachelor parties or birthdays are more so) I do draw the line at lap dances. That's just too much for me.

 

I have seen them (gone to strip bars myself) and not sure how they are down there, but up here you CAN serve alchohol and have total nude dancing and lap dances...different laws though. I know it is their job, and I trust it not to go any further but still I just do not like the idea...and my partner knows this! It just makes me feel "icky"! He though does not believe in that sorta thing unless he is single anyway....

 

However, I think he is being truthful that nothing more happened. Most men I do know are perfectly capable of just looking at it as entertainment and not going ANY further then the lap dance, and many clubs also do have strict policies against it. Not all of them are willing to trade sex for money, even if they will dance naked for it!

 

I think you need to communicate how you feel, without being accusatory, and see how he responds to that. Sometimes we don't always see things like our partner, so this communication is important from both sides. And decide if you consider this cheating, or not, or whether it is forgivable and workable or not.

[ElektraHere]

Hi There,

 

Have you ever been to a strip club? If you haven't it is nothing like you see in the movies or t.v. The women aren't all that. Also like someone else said it is the job they do. I watched one gal do a lap dance and it was like she was going through the motions and actually talking to my friend who was sitting behind the guy getting a lap dance.

 

Has your b/f ever done anything in the past to betray your trust? If not what would make you think he would risk his relationship on a stripper? I would take what he said at face value and just leave it at that. I would tell him you aren't comfortable with him going to strip clubs but you cannot forbide him if he does choose to go again.

[Beec]

Jayceeraira, you're neither wrong or overreacting. They deceit is troubling and you're right to question why a guy would be interested in such "entertainment" when he's already in a relationship.

 

Deceit? what deceit? he went out last night, had fun with his guy friends and nothing more happened? Did he lie about it? No. So what deceit?

 

Been there, done that, will again, and it says nothing about how I feel about my woman. I've gone when single, gone when invovled with someone I cared about, gone when I was ready to dump her, and nothing changed. You go in, see women, some partially clothed (I've also seen all nude), and sit down. Some women ask if they can give you a lapdance. Most of the time, you pay for one and tell her to give it to a friend. She shakes it a bit in your face and goes away. End of story.

 

Women may not understand it, but it is not very different from porn.

[Dako]

My take:

You sit there on a beer splattered barstool watching some skinny girl wiggle to pay for college while she thinks of what to make for dinner for her kid. The guy next to you is cheering her on to impress his friends even though he'd would rather watch TV. Half the guys aren't really watching the stripper, but yelling about their jobs over the blaring music. The waitress rubs against you and hands you a $6 beer and expects a fat tip. A few guys tuck bills into a bobbing g-string and feel like studs for 1.53 seconds. You wonder how long you should stay so your friends think enjoyed it, then wander out to your car before you're tempted to buy another overpriced beer that may aggravate your budding headache. One of your buddies tells his wife, she tells yours and you sleep on the couch.

 

If it weren't for the glamour, guys wouldn't do it.

[Vanilla]

lets not try to make her think its ok for what he did....this is a very different touchy subject for many of us and it should be respected, not persuaded into being accepted.

 

my opinion i find it distasteful and a waste of money. he could have gone out with his lady on his birthday and his friends, and spent money at a night out together, dancing, having some drinks, everyone enjoying themselves respectfully.

 

i agree, stripclubs, porn, and things like that should be discussed at the beginning of the relationship so things like these dont occur later and then someone holds resentment while the other says "well i d idnt know"...

 

don't accept anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. now you can't hold it against him, he didnt know how you felt, but let him know that it does affect you and that he should respect how you feel...

 

if it is that worthless to him then he wont do it again, especially if he respects you and loves you.

 

i can accept my man leaving the toilet seat up, or being stubborn about asking for direction, or glancing when a gorgeous girl walks by...yes we're humans its natural...but a strip club, and a lap dance? i think i deserve a little more respect than that, but that is how I FEEL...other people may be ok with it and thats good for them, I respect their opinion for i am NOT living THEIR relationships but my own and what offends me may differ.

 

i can tell you if you were hitting the strip clubs slipping bills into some guys crotch he'd probably get a little iffy.

[lunatic]

Thats great Vanilla that is your opinion. What I think we are all saying is that She should have discussed her feelings about stip clubs and such. Personally, she cant be mad at him if he had no idea that she felt that way. If he did it again after talking to her and knowing her feelings then hells yeah she should be super mad.

 

We only want her to talk to him and let him know how much this make her feel cheated upon.

[Vanilla]

i know but that is exactly what i said in my post too its ok you must have missed it.

 

"i agree, stripclubs, porn, and things like that should be discussed at the beginning of the relationship so things like these dont occur later and then someone holds resentment while the other says "well i d idnt know"...

 

don't accept anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. now you can't hold it against him, he didnt know how you felt, but let him know that it does affect you and that he should respect how you feel..."

 

dont worry i agree with you guys on that one all the way!

[Beec]

don't accept anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. now you can't hold it against him, he didnt know how you felt, but let him know that it does affect you and that he should respect how you feel..."

 

Waht aboutt he guy who thinks that he goes to strip club once a year, has some beers with his buddies, talks, bs's, and gets bought a lap dance, and he enjoys his rare night out. Shouldn't his feelings and thoughts be respected? Or should his woman being uncomfortable be the last word and he never gets to go?

[Vanilla]

hence to why it should be discussed at the beginning of the relationship.

 

if a strip club is necessary for a guy, then dont date a girl who is against it. as we have seen there are MANY girls who are ok with it and MANY girls who aren't. It's not like you're stuck between life or death.

 

at this point, they'll have to compromise with eachothers wishes.

 

its not that hard. just find people who share your same views on what is TRULY important to you, thats all.

[Jessy]

Personally, I think strippers, porn stars, and prostitutes alike are all skanky creatures. I'm also lucky to be blessed with a guy who feels the same way.

 

You have every right to be upset, as they are your feelings... but communicating how you felt about this sort of thing beforehand would have made the situation a lot less complicated.

 

Guys who are defending strip clubs... would you be okay with it if you saw some hot guy shaking his penis in your lady's face and rubbing it all over her? Would you still be okay with it if she enjoyed it?

 

Also... I noticed everyone had a lot to say about where the strippers stop. As far as I know, there are many strippers who will go further than a lapdance for some more money.

[Beec]

Guys who are defending strip clubs... would you be okay with it if you saw some hot guy shaking his penis in your lady's face and rubbing it all over her? Would you still be okay with it if she enjoyed it?

 

Also... I noticed everyone had a lot to say about where the strippers stop. As far as I know, there are many strippers who will go further than a lapdance for some more money.

 

His penis? No. She is not shaking her vagina in mine. If he rubbed his torso on her, I would not be able to complain too much without being a hypocrite. If she made a habit of it, then I might complain.

 

In the U.S., I've seen few who will go much further than a lap dance. Overseas, yes. Of course, I don't go back to the private areas for more personalized attention, and neither do most of my friends.

[LiquidCherry]

I don't want to be judged really but here's what I know from my experience. I used to dance, only for about 6 months but that was long enough. I worked at a nice club.. I never even took off my thong to do a lap dance but some girls were basically prostitutes. Managers and bouncers looked away. Not all the girls were like that but some were. And not all guys will do something like that either. Some go there and just watch and if you try talking to them they'll say they have a girlfriend. Most are respectable enough and keep their hands to themselves during a private dance. Others guys made me feel sorry for their girlfriend. It all comes down to trust. Do you trust your boyfriend?

 

On a side note.. If my boyfriend ever got a lap dance that would be a deal breaker. To me that's cheating.

[Luciana]

This had to be an answer from a 19 year old..."it's not like he asked for it"...oh my....was he tied and forced to have a naked woman rub against him?

 

Please. Jaycee has all the right to be pissed. In my book this is cheating, oh yes. And how denigrating for her now to compete with the hooker and do the same?

[Luciana]

Even if you don't go to the private areas, it is not a place you want your lover/BF/husband to be. At all.

It amazes me how the younger women think it's ok and "cool" to let your BF go to places like these. They are the modern whorehouses! Any woman with self respect (and I know 19 year olds with self respect) would be extremely distressed over this.