Well I finally hit the wall last night...

[Dogg]

Last night, after thinking a lot about what everyone has been saying, I decided to call my ex and try to talk about things that had happened. I told her all of the things that I had realized and all of the things that I felt that were wrong with our relationship. I told her that they could all be fixed becuse nothing that we ever argued over was really that big of a deal. Well, she does not feel that same way at all. She said that she was not happy, that she did not want a relationship like the one that we had, she said that it just wasn't easy anymore and that she had been fighting with herself about this for a long time. I told her that I loved her and she said that she knows and that she loves me too but that she just doesn't see us together anymore. She said that she has been thinking about things and figuring things out and that she just feels that we are not good together, that something changed, that somehting was missing, that she could not let go of the past, that her heart just isn't in this relationship anymore. I kept my composure throughout the entire conversation even though I wanted to cry my eyes out. I tried to tell her that things did not have to always be a struggle and a fight and that I felt that neither one of us had really truly "tried" to be together, that we had just been stuck in our stubborn ways and that is where a lot of the problems had come from. She kept continually saying that she understands but that she just does not want to be with me anymore, that she can't do it again, that she doesn't want to. I was not going to cry to her like I wanted to, I maintained a very nice loving tone with her. It ended with her sayng that she was sorry but her heart is just not in in anymore, that she does not know what happened but she feels that somewhere we grew apart and that she feel s that we want different things out of life (this I think is bull because we have always talked about wanting the same things) I could then tell that she was beginning to get annoyed because she started cursing and being very nasty. I told her that I want nothing more for us to be together and that I promised her that things would not go back to being the same way again and that I love her with all my heart and soul. She said that I can't promise that and that she has tried that before and things just went back to being the same as usual and that is not what she wanted. I told her that I did not want to be without her on the holidays and her birthday and that our anniversary was coming up and she responded by stating that again, she was sorry but that she just does not wan to be with me anymore, that she does not see a future with us together and that she needs to be by herself for a while. I told her that I wanted her to really think about things, and about what I was saying and about all the good that we have together and have had and about all the great things that we could share and she said that she would and I told her I love her very much and that I always will and then we hung up the phone...

 

I am truly destroyed about this, I really thought that I wouls end up marrying this girl, she was and is the love of my life! All I keep thinking about is what could I have done differently in our relationship? what did I do so horrible that she is unnable to get over it? I NEVER cheated on her, not once, never even thought about it. I guess I have no choice now but to go STRICT AND TOTAL NO CONTACT and hope that she realizes what she has given up by throwing me and us away liek that. I have to find a way not to think about her because that is all that I have been doing since we broke up almost three weeks ago. I nearly creid myself to sleep last night. I still have this hope that she will come back, is that bad? Do I need to let that hope and that feeling go? I really wan ther to come back and I really want us to be together forever. Whaty do I do now, how do I move ahead in my life, I do not want to forget about her...

[Twinkle_]

Be strong. I'm trying no contact too, if you want to pm me, for support etc, feel free. We can support and help each other x

[AC874]

God bless you man.

 

I am in the exact same shoes as you.

 

I got the same answers you did.

 

If you need to talk, im FrostedG on AIM...

 

If there is any hope for reconciliation, its after a long time of space/being alone/getting hurt alone.

[nataliejulie]

Wow. I'm really sorry, hon.

 

Is there a book out there with break up lines? Because you just typed out what my ex said to me verbadim. However, he ended up changing his tune after some weeks of some friendship and not pushing... started dating again, then, went back to the same tune a month and a half after that (only because I started pushing again).

 

The only thing left to do now is take her words and run with them. She wants to be left alone -- so show her what it's like to be alone. I understand those are some hard words to swallow. You can't change anyone but yourself... start working on that. It's easier said than done, but it will help you in the long run... a) You'll slowly start moving forward with your life or b) you'll be a different guy, a stronger person if she ever comes back.

 

 

If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me.

[Dogg]

you guys are great...not that it really makes me feel any better about things, but at least I know that I can talk to people about my problems. I know in my herat of hearts that I do truly want her back in my life, I just wish that I knoew why she felt that way about our relationship and me as a boyfriend...Maybe I'll never know....I'm just really really scared that I may never ever see or speak to her again...that thought hurts me more than anyone could imagine

[moondog627]

I just went thru the EXACT same thing as you man. And when it first happened, and when I first started reading on this forum, I thought "my situation is different, we can get back together". We were so in love, never had any horrible fights, etc. I was gonna marry this girl.

 

But the point is they either want to be with you or they don't. And it sucks. You're gonna want to look back and analyze everything, what you did wrong, why she lost her feelings. But thinking like that is fruitless. You may or may not find that out some day.

 

I still don't really know what happened either. But the need to answer questions will go away. Now is the time for NC. But don't do it with the intentions of making her realize what is lost. Do it to HEAL yourself. What you have is an actual wound. And if you keep holding onto hope like you are now that wound will never heal (EVEN IF YOU GET BACK TOGETHER).

 

You won't forget about her and she will not forget about you. Just try your best to put those memories away for now. You can go back to them later. Start doing things to make you happy. Take up a new hobby. Work out.

 

I know right after my breakup I couldn't talk to other women for the life of me. And you probably won't be able to either for a while. As you gain strength make an effort to talk to other women. You don't have to do it with the intent of going out or just having sex. In fact you should go in with the simple intention of JUST TALKING to other women. It seriously helps with the confidence and helps to heal you like you'll never believe.

 

You won't be able to let go of that hope in one fell swoop but you should make a conscious effort to let her go, maybe even saying to yourself "LET HER GO". What helped me a lot was the realization that I had to break up with her myself (in my mind), or at least break up with the hope of getting back together with her. All of us dumpees would like to go back to the great relationship we once had but that doesn't exist anymore (as hard as it is to accept). We need to take our ex's at face value, how they are TODAY.

 

Listen to what people here have to say. Is there a chance my ex will come back to me down the road after realizing how good things were? Who knows. What I do know is that I want to heal and not feel this pain anymore. And the only way either one of us is going to get back to the strong individuals we once were is by maintaining NC. Stay strong. Things will get better as time passes.

[Beaker78]

I hate to say it man but she has given you her answer for now in a round about way she is saying she dont love you the same way she used to.

In saying that i mean that she may love u but is not "IN LOVE" with u and man i feel for ya it sucks badly when they say that to ya but u will learn to live with it. I have been through this 3 times before the latest only 3 mths ago and everytime i thought this was the love of my life only to find that when i was not looking or thinking about getting into another relationship and fell in love and noticed that i did not feel the same about the last person that i was involved with.

You will heal from this and meet new people

[chai714]

Dogg,

What you did was told her how YOU felt. How does telling someone how YOU feel make them want to come back to you? The worst possible scenario (for anyone) is telling someone how you feel about them and them not having these same feelings. Many make this mistake, I've made it myself. So, in telling her how you felt about her she felt pressure. Finally, she lashed out and began cursing at you.

 

First and foremost, never tell anyone how you feel about them. In your case, listen to how SHE feels and work on making her feel a different way. Study the basics of psychology, learn about body language - how to read it and how to project it. Also, go out and do some people watching. Watch how people interact, how some men flirt and how some women flirt back. You'll have a lot of free time on your hands now, so you might as well make the most of your time.

 

For now, no contact is best since you're still emotional about her. Meanwhile, work on gaining knowledge and work on learning how to get people to feel whatever way you want them to feel. Good luck, and pm me if you need some help.

[ONE SXXY LADY]

Hey Dogg...

 

I am sorry this happened..but I agree with Chai..telling someone how you feel about them is pressure, even though it may not seem like that to you.

I don't care how much you SHOW someone you care..as soon as you utter the WORDS it somehow becomes an obligation to reciprocate. Are you SHOWING her you care? I mean REALLY care..about HER needs or HER wishes? Something tells me you're not..you are not allowing her any breathing room...no naturally she is going to lash out.

 

Disappear from her life for a good 2-3 months. Don't worry that she will forget you...TRUST ME...she WILL NOT forget you..but for NOW you must respect HER wishes and what she wants. Put your needs aside. Focus on YOU and NOT her, there isn't a damn thing you can do or say to change her mind.

 

Also..STOP replying to her if she contacts you...it des NOT mean she wants to get back together, it could mean she's bored, needing attention, lonely..whatever, but it is not YOUR job to be there when this happens. She made her choice and she has to live with it.

 

Dogg you are SO much better than that...you deserve MUCH MUCH better...let this girl go. It's whats best for you.

[Dogg]

I get what you are saying, but the past dictates what we do and feel and in our past, everytime that we have broken up and I have tried to respect her wishes, she has come back. I do not think that she is going to do this this time, I think that it is over, at least for a while anyway. I want to let her go (even though I truly don't) but for some stupid reason, I just can not get out of my head the idea and the thought that she will come back and the hope that I have that she does come back. Is that wrong? I am hurting really bad right now, so I am definitly going to take everyones advice and do NC full and comlete for a while, its just goignt o be really hard coming up because of the holidays and her birthday and our anniversary are coming up in december, not to mention new years eve and all that emotion. Again, I just can't seem to get it through my head that its really over, and not only that, but I still love her to death and I always will and I can't seem to shake this hope that I have inside that she will realize what she did and is doign and that our relationship and our love IS really worth it! I feel liek a completeand total jack A** for htinking that, but it will not go away, no matter how hard I try. Even for the last two weeks since the breakup, I just had this feeling that she would "figure out" whatever it was that she needed to figure oout and that she would come back...thats all I want, but I want her to WANT to come back, I realize that I can not "talk" her into it and that she needs to want to on her own. I just feel like I in some way let her down and at the same time I let myself down by doing whatever it was that I did to make her feel this way about us and the relationship...that hurts the worst of all, knowing that she just doesn't want me anymore...

[patience]

sounds like your in the denial stage of grief

 

it sounds like for her, this is over, really over...and it is time for you to hear that (I think you know deep down that it is done now)

 

I know it hurts, but it will hurt so much more if you don't let go...you have to force yourself to stick with no contact...don't prolong the agony by holding on any longer

 

can you get away for a bit? can you travel to see relatives over the holidays or something like that? a change of scenary may help you get through this

[Dogg]

I can do NC. I did it totally for the first two weeks after the breakup. Maybe it is denial, but I just feel that she will come back, and I want her to so bad that it makes it very hard to let go. I will definitly do NC now, especially after our "talk" lst night, I will probably start goign to the gym or doing somehting to get my mind off of her, buut I feel that I will always wonder about what she is doing, I don't think that I can help that. I hope that NC will make her realize that she has lost something so special, I really do because I know that what we had was really special and could continue to be very special, but I can't change the way that she feels so I just have to move on I guess, no matter what I feel. Am I right in saying that? AM I wrong in saying that I hope that she deos come back. Am I wrong to hope that she does come back? I will try my hardest to let her go, and I will try my hardest to move on, but I just can't seem to get rid of that HOPE that she will realize her mistakes...

[patience]

ease up on yourself...you are in the early stages of a breakup, it is supposed to hurt like hell (sucks, I know)...don't beat yourself up for trying

 

working out is a great idea, do that for sure! any sort of physical activity will help you a great deal...force yourself to do it!

 

you can't change how anyone feels about you...you were open and honest, you didn't play games, you said how you felt, you said what you wanted...she is just not on the same page

 

I don't agree with playing games to get someone back, I know it is tempting, but do you want to have to stoop to that level? would the right woman for you want a player? (I doubt it) I think that the 'right' woman for you will not want or need to be convinced to be with you, or tricked into being with you...do you know what I mean? She is feeling you, or she is not...and unfortunately, your ex doesn't have those feelings anymore

 

we all have that hope at times that someone will come back to us (some people perhaps don't admit to it, or it is their secret hope)...it is totally normal...you love her, of course you want her with you, but the thing is, she doesn't want the same thing

 

you have to deal with the reality, I know it is so painful...rejection hurts us deeply

 

keep posting, there are lots of good people here who care, y'know

[Dogg]

the worst thing I think si the thought that in the beginning, before we first got together, we were the best of friends, she was the one that got me through one of the toughest times of my life and I then fell totally in love with her, but fought those feelings for so long. Finally when i manned up and aksed her more or less to be my girlfriend, she was SOOOO happy about it. I was very nervous about it. She loved me right away. we were happy. Then she got very clingy and she pushed me away. over the next year and a half we had many problems because of her clinginess and i let her know that she was smothering me. blah blah blah, we stuck it out and worked on it until we hit another road block months ago where we broke up for a while. during that time I was completely lost and destroyed over losing her, and I vowed that if I ever got her back, that I would NEVER lose her again. So we did get back together and I was the clingy one, because I was so scared to lose her again. she drew back...hard I guess. I kinda lost where I am goign with this post, but the point is, I don't only feel liek I lost my girlfriend, its that I feel that I lost my best friend and my first REAL TRUE LOVE!!!!! I feelo totally worthless because I did something that I never ever intended to do, which is to push her away and make her fall out of love with me. WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME THAT I COULD MAKE SOMEONE THAT I LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY not want to be with me anymore? I realize that this post is all over the place to say the least, but my mind is reeling right now. I really feel completely lost and the thoughts that I may never get to see her, or talk to her again, or kiss her or make love to her are killing me.

[patience]

you are NOT responsible for her feelings

 

you cannot "make" someone fall in love with you...and you cannot "make" someone fall out of love with you

 

blaming yourself is not the answer

 

the relationship isn't "right" for her, it doesn't mean that you said or did something wrong...she wants and needs to be alone now, this is something she needs to do for herself (she probably doesn't want a relationship with anyone right now)

 

*breathe* okay? just breathe in and out...you're okay

[ONE SXXY LADY]

Dogg as the other poster said...you are in the early stages of a breakup...you are in tremendous pain. We feel you, we really do. Post all you need to. Working out is a GREAT outlet for this....Allow yourself to really grieve this relationship...and then get active. If you need to lock yorself in the house for 3 days and do nothing but cry and post on here..do that...but try not to get caught up in it after that. It can become consuming. Start making goals for yourself...those help a lot.

You will look back on your posts in a few months and be amazed at your progress....It just takes TIME. Hang in there...

[ONE SXXY LADY]

I hate to use this example but I thought it might help...Remember the movie Forresst Gump? When Jenny kept coming in and out of his life? He had to finally be rid of her...so what did he do?? He just...RAN..lol. And ran and ran and ran.......we all have ways of dealing with things...even if it doesn't make sense to anyone else. It took him 3 years (in the movie)and like a million miles, to get her out of his system, and she STILL came back. lol Ok so this isn't a movie....Just making a funny point...

[moondog627]

ONE SXXY LADY took the words right out of my mouth. 3 months ago when my ex broke up with me I TOTALLY turned into Forrest Gump (only with biking instead of running). And I'm still that way today. I don't know where I'd be today if I didn't have my bike. Dude, what you're feeling is totally normal. I couldn't listen to a SINGLE song on my iTunes. So ya know what, I went and searched out knew music and now my tastes have become so much broader. Even now (after three months) not a day goes by that I don't think about her, or what she's doing, or if she thinks about me. But it's so much less frequent then before. And it doesn't hurt to think about her like it did before. These are probably going to be your hardest days. But the cliche is true. "Time heals everything."

[heloladies21]

It sounds like you crossed over, that's good. No need to blame yourself, it's her fault for dumping you and hurting you. She's making the biggest mistake she'll ever make, but it's her mistake to make. All you can do now is move on emotionally and keep yourself busy as hell. Start talking to other girls too, it will make you feel better.

[Dogg]

Well, I know that I am not ready at all to begin seeking out new relationships and nor do i have nay desire to at thins point. Like I said before, I am going to have to force myself to move on in life because I really do not want to becauseI am in love with her and do want her back...what scares me is again the thought that I may never get to speak to or talk to her ever again. That thought is really making me quite sad and hurt, also the thought that she may never want to see me or talk to me again. Also, that I may never ever get to "be" with her physically again and kiss her and love her in that way. Also, I feel that I am just so damaged by this breakup, and such damaged goods that at this moment I truly have no worth to anyone nor do I think that it would be fair to subject anyone to the pain that I have because of this and the baggage that I will caryy because of it. I just want my baby back!!!!!

[chip]

I know exactly what you are going through. I've gone through the same situation over the last 20 months. Don't make my mistake. I'm still lost in a world of pain. I can't stop thinking of her. She is gone forever and I still wish she would come back. I've given up on love. I will never trust anyone with my heart again. I wish there was a way to really let go. I sure haven't learned that trick. I did try dating for a while, but that just made me miserable. I can't advise you on what to do, all I can do is tell you to take her at her word. It is done. She isn't coming back. Trust me - I had that same conversation and haven't heard from her in well over a year. I'm pretty miserable. So if you don't want to end up stuck in hell, do whatever you can to get rid of your thoughts about her. I just wish I could do that myself.

[kellbell]

(((hugs))) Dogg.

 

I am so sorry about all this, I really am. I really don't have words of wisdom for you except that you are not alone out there in this, we are hear to listen if you want to vent, rant, whatever. Hang in there. Things will get better a little bit every day, just give yourself time, cut yourself some slack, and allow yourself to experience all the emotions.

[Dogg]

I know that I should just let go and move on, I know that it is not healthy to just hang on to the hope that one day she will come back, buut right now thats all I've got is the hope that one day she will. I will try to move on, I will try to forget about her, and try to get over her, but I just don't know if I can, she meant so much to me and to hear a person that you care that much about and love THAT much tell you that hey just don't see things tha way anymore, and that they don't see you together anymore and that this was not what they wanted. well, THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANTED EITHER, I wanted a lover, a friend, possibly a wife and life partner, a confidant and companion. I wanted a life with her, now I have nothing...and I'm destroyed because of it...all I have is the hope that one day she will miss me, miss us and realize that we are meant to be the way that she always said that we were....She always siad this quote from a "FRIENDS" episode in which Pheobe referred to ross and rachel as each others "lobster" because lobsters mate for life. That is what she always called me and called us. She made me believe in that, she made me believe in us...what do I have to believe in now? I just want my lobster back, and I want her to see that she was right all along.

[Dogg]

i took my girl to las vegas at the end of august, when I did not have a job and had VERY little money, did not let her spend a dime. She always wanted to go to las vegas, so i toook her there. We had a great time but when we got home, a litle while later, she started saying that she felt uneasy the entire trip and that that ruined it for her!!!!! can you imagine the hurtt that I felt there. i love her to death, i just don't see what I did to make her feel this way about me and about us, I just don't get it. I truly thought that she was the one, i would have climbed mountains for her and in many ways i did. why does she say she loves me, yet can't be with me? what does she think was missing? how can she after three years of love and adoration and compasion never want to see or hear from me again? I hope that she sees the mistake that she made and comes crying back when its too late...although right now thats all that I want her to do is love me and come back...

[coooolsome]

Dogg, let go of the hope she will come back. Hope that you will find someone and everything will be ok. Have faith in God and his plan for you. The saying "When God closes a door, he opens a window" is very true. Stop trying to open the door and crawl through the window. Its not easy but try. We are all here for you.