Twinkle_

5 days of no contact! I miss him a lot. I've got that sick feeling back in my stomack. I didn't sleep til 3am, didn't dream though which is a plus. I woke feeling tired and depressed. I miss his cute little face, the way he looked when he woke up, all sleepy and smiley. I miss everything about him. Again, really fighting to stop myself from contacting him. He doesn't need to know he's on my mind from the moment I wake up til the moment I go to sleep. I'd been sleeping much better, sometimes falling asleep by 10pm, waking early, which was fine. I so hope I will sleep better tonight. It's snowing. The moment it started I felt like crying. I hate being alone so much. I need to get a job. I'm trying so hard, I've applied for so many. I'm about to phone some pubs, they're always looking for staff.

NC is also to help you heal, without your ex conplicating things for you.

I don't know if I'm getting better or worse now. I remember when we semi got back together before. He said he'd been fine when he couldn't see me, it was't til he saw me all the feelings came back. I suppose what i'm really scared of, is with NC, he'll forget. He won't forget me but he'll replace all the feelings of love with ones of hate. I don't want him to ever hate me. I'm planning so many things now, things we had planned to do as a couple, but could never afford to. It quite upsets me to think he probably feels the same. Theres a festival in the summer he wanted to take me to, but we couldn't afford it. Now I'm going. We wanted to move into the city together, couldn't afford it, now I'm moving there on my own. We wanted to go to Ibiza together, he couldn't afford it, now I'm going with my friends. He wanted to take me to Dublin, but he couldn't afford it. Now I'm going with some friends. He wanted to take me to see his favourite band, I didn't want to go cause his friends that don't like me were going. Now I'm trying to get tickets cause my sister wants to go, and I won't have to be with them. All the things he wanted me to be interested in, I ignored. For example, a band he talked a lot about. I didn't think anything of it. I just saw a mention of one of their tracks online and downloaded it, they are quite good. I really did take him for granted, didn't I? I really cannot blame him for ending it when he did. I've printed out 2 bits of paper with little notes on to keep me strong when I'm not here. I read somewhere: "He took a good look, and said no thaks." I've got that written down and a few other things to remind me why things are better the way they are, and that I have to be strong. I wish I was strong enough to be his friend.

No contact for: 4 days. I'd say about a year of our relationship was great. But thinking back, we fell out over the stupidest things the whole time. He would walk out of places and leave me standing if I spoke to another bloke, be it a friend or not. I'd pretend he'd never been there and carry on enjoying myself, I didn't like to run after him, and even when I did, he just kept running. I know I can't blame him for everything, This is all my fault, I should have... wait, forget it. Who cares what I should have done? I didn't do what I should have until it was too late, if I sit and think about it all I'll go mad. No dreams to report on this time. I've been fighting urges to contact him so hard. The start of the week is always easier, cause I don't have to see him. From thursday - Sunday its a real strugge cause I know I'll see him. It's a small place, I know at some point in the next few days I'll see him, but when I go out I have my friends coming with me for support. They are so lovely, and they never did like him which helps. I'm not feeling nearly so bad today, thankfully. What I'm really hating is the fact that there is so much bad feeling between us. Stop it. Be strong. You hate him & don't care what he thinks.

No contact for: 3 days LOL Wow, I just woke up from another bad dream. This time I was hiding in a caravan with a few people I didn't know, he was waiting outside, taunting us encouraging us just to come out cause he just wanted to talk. When smeone did go outside, he attacked them. In the end it was just me, sitting with my back to the door listening to him, I had to come out at some point... I hate this. I used to have nightmares, months ago when we were together and happy. I'd wake up in tears in the middle of the night, he'd hug me and tell me everything was going to be ok, he was there, and wasn't going to let anything happen to me. Oh how things have changed. I genuinely fear him now. Not because he's violent at all, because of what he can do to me. He has the ability to crush me with just a few words. he has the ability to make me question everything about myself in 1 text message. I am fighting urges to contact him so badly, I want to know if the band was good last night. I watched a film with a friend that we planned to see together, he hasn't seen it, I wanted to tell him it was good and they have left it open for another. I am so child like. I am so weak. Why can't I just get over this and move on? Why did it take all this for me to stop taking him for granted, now it's too late? I need to stop with the ifs and buts. This is getting me nowhere. I can do this. I need to heal. I can't seem to let go of hope that one day he'll come back.

I was 15. I lost it to my best friend, who was also a virgin. It was awful, but I'm glad I lost it to him and not some guy who didn't care about me at all.

I used the MAP 10 hours after unprotected sex, and I'm not pregnant. Make sure she does a pregnancy test a few weeks after taking it to be sure.

Edited post now, LOL!!

No contact for: 2 days LOL Just back. I was looking into a holiday for next summer, Ibiza in July. Only a week ago he sad he'd love to come with me. Translation, he'd come but only if I paid, and if we didn't talk before we gt there, or after we came home. Even if we were still together, I wouldn't have taken him. He is very tight, and would make me pay for him. no chance. I'm going with friends, and I'm going to enjoy myself. Checked a message board related to the music scene in our area, turns out a guy in a band I know died last week in a car accident. The ex knew him too but I doubt he will have heard. I almost called him to tell him, but i resisted. i'm so proud of myself! He'd only have said I was trying to spoil his day anyway.

My ex delayed getting some of his stuff, so I cut his clothes up. You need to move on with your life sweetie and while his things are with you, you can't so that. Tell him that he had x amount of time to come get his stuff or you'll put it outside next to a sign that says "Free". To hell with him hun, he doesn't care about you, why should you waste any more of your love on him. Once the problem of his things is sorted, you can start healing yourself. No contact with him at all, ignore his attempts to contact you. Spoil yourself, i have no doubt you've been neglecting yourself. x

I woke up screaming this morning, luckily no one else was in the house. I dreamt I watched him die. We were climbing up something, quite high. We argued, he had people with him screaming at me, blaming me, calling me a nutter. I had someone with me too, just 1 person who I can't remember. Things got out of hand, I heard a gun shot and he fell. I cried, and kept screaming "no" - thats what i woke up doing. I haven't dreamt of him before. I feel quite sick now. I want to text hm to see if he's ok, but I'm resisting. He's ok, I'm sure he is, it was only a dream. He's probably still in bed with a hang over, coming down after last night, looking forward to seeing that band tonight. I was offered a ticket but I couldn't face it, if I met him, he'd be with his friends, they hate me too.

He has a gig tonight. He's on stage at 8pm. I know the venue, we've been to it together a few times. I want to be there so much. I want to support him, I want to be the one he comes off stage to and asks if I enjoyed it. God this cuts me up so bad. After the gig, we'd go to a club I hated, we'd leave at 2am, go get food, and go back to his friends house. We'd sleep on the couch, wake up even more tired than we were, get breakfast and get the bus home. I miss it all so much. I miss the stupid things, everything that annoyed me about him seems so cute to me now. I'm so pathetic. I really need to be stronger. I need to stop this.

Well done you! Asking for help, and telling others your story is very hard, but you've done it. I think the next step should be talking to a friend or family member, or even both. You cannot be here 24/7, you need someone for support. You have been through some terrible things, some which I can relate to. I'm also only 19. It all seems so unfair, doesn't it? Why has this happened to me? Am I not worthy of true happiness? I've felt the same way. Perhaps you should councelling. Talk to soemone who is trained t help you deal with the things in your past, they can help you heal. Take things a day at a time, try to focus on the positives, and PM me any time you want. You don't have to do this alone. x

My "date" went home early, he text me before I went out to say something had happened and he'd gone home. It's ok though, I went out with friends anyway and had a great time. I danced until my legs hurt! Yet another guy I was "in love" with at school was chatting me up. Great looking bloke, a real honey. He asked for my number, but for some reason I didn't give him it, I told him I'd maybe see him out and about some time. Little kiss, think he thought I would take him home, but oh no, not a chance. I learned the hard way that 1 night stands are not for me at all, so i walked home alone. On my way home the ex called saying we were still friends. We had a good chat. I told him about my "Guru" - well, I like to call him that. My spiritual friend who helped me clear my mind and meditate, then he hung up on me. I've no idea what that was about, but there you go. I got home and slept like a baby. I should have woke feeling nasty today but I'm fine. I did however wake feeling quite empty and lonely, I missed him quite a bit. I've got to take this 1 day at a time. It will go away, the wounds will heal. I am doing better though, I'm back to my old "rock & roll" self, so I was told. But that's coming from someone who only sees me at weekends when I've spent ages getting ready. I do hope the ex and I can be friends, he isn't a bad bloke, not all bad. Once upon a time he was very sweet and caring. I suppose all i'm thinking right now is one day we will get back together.

I saw Rions diary, I think it would really help me. I did start one on livejournal but here I can get advice as I go along too, I hope no one minds. Last night I was invited to a small party. I got talking to a bloke I was in love with back in primary school (LOL). He's very cute, sweet and funny. A year younger than me, and I wouldn't imagine it going anywhere, but I don't want anything to go anywhere right now anyway. We exchanged numbers, and we're going for a drink tonight I think. After the party we went to the pub for a bit (a group of us) and the guy I took home with me weeks ago was there. We played pool, and I left. He's a nice enough guy but I wouldn't want to really encourage him. Just before I left, the ex text me to say he'd been feeling rotten that day and had the day off work. Then he told me about the girl he started seeing on Wednesday. The same night he text me telling me he loved me, and that he wanted to get back together. I'm so angry at him. I knew he was drinking that night so I just replied telling him to text me in the morning when he was sober. I spoke to him next day and he couldn't remember texting me. He told me his mates had set him up on a blind date, that he wasn't interested in her. Why does he keep lying? He doesn't need to tell me anything at all, never mind lie. I wish I didn't know his number off by heart. I wish he'd change it. I wish he'd delete mine and forget everything. He thinks i'm a lunatic, he said I was unstable. I'm not bloody mad you moron, I'm upset! I've been cheated on, I've been messed around so much by him, am i wrong to feel a bit hysterical sometimes? More later x