Getting Back Together was a TERRIBLE idea.

[nataliejulie]

First, I would like to say I love and appreciate everyone's honesty and opinions.

 

I apogloize for the long post, but I seriously had about four hours of sleep and the worst headache of my life over this...

 

Here's the problem:

 

About two weeks ago, we were going to buy him a car. My father is a boss of a big dealership here and could get him a used car for $535.00. (Granted it has problems with it) Issue was, he needed to get the money there, fill out paper work and tow the car to his house so he can fix it. He wanted to get it.

Now, Thursday night (the accident and the fight), we broke it off. But, even the other night before Thursday, he said it was over... it wasn't, and even said "shoot me" when I mentioned it, basically saying it was out of anger. Here's the deal; Friday I call him and ask if he still wants the car. This is the morning after. He was very polite on the phone, saying he wasn't sure if he should, he didn't want to make things harder than they already are for me. (???) This also means we would HAVE to see each other in order to do this transaction.

On Saturday, he tells me he wants some space between us, a few days off, to cool off, settle down, hang out again and have a nice conversation again without the fighting. To be very honest, he made it seem like he still wants to try it out, but is so frustrated to why we keep fighting... and yes, every time we talk on the phone since Thursday, it's been tense and he seems to be pushed further and further away.

Sunday, I admit I did something extremely impulsive -- I bought the car for him on Thursday as a surprise. (Of course I'm expect money back, but it would have been less trouble for him) So we are still trying to make plans to go fill out this paper work (he's not allowed to be in this section of the dealership because he's just a customer, I'm the boss's daughter).

However, I find out there's a LOT more wrong with the car than planned and it might not even be worth buying. He still thinks he wants it. Now, he needs a new, cheap engine for this car. I went out of my way to find one and I did... I called, left a voicemail, never called back. I actually texted him a few hours later saying "let's go see ___ in nyc this week!" (a comedy show)... never called back.

 

Then late last night, I find out he's asking everyone out this week to hang out, when obviously, he told me he doesn't know -- he's too busy (haven't seen him since Thursday and we only see each other twice a week). I take this personally.

 

Right now, I'm thinking (this is where I need your help!!!!!!) is he still talking to me to buy this car? A friend told me last night that if he really wanted it to be over and didn't want you in his life, he would have told you... he would just say "no" to the car. Which can be true. He's that type of guy when something frustrates him so much -- car or no car -- he's out the door. Even still, his actions are pretty surprising right now so I'm not even sure what to expect.

 

Here's the two outcomes I have:

 

1. I give him the car -- If he gives me the money and takes the car, what if he gives me the ol' heav' ho' after? I will feel like the biggest j**koff in the world. Not only THAT, my father HATES him. He's only doing this because of me. If the ex gives me the heav' ho', it hurts my father, also. Not to mention how angry my father will be at me for putting him through embarrassment and drama.

 

2. I don't give him the car -- I tell him the car is too damaged and I think it's worthless to repair. He will probably be mad, or he will probably agree with me. Either way, I will know what his true intentions are, right?

 

As of right now, I do not expect anything. I'm actually, in my head, accepting the fact it can most likely be over between us. This situation rings all too true for me. The week before we broke up, we only had phone contact. We saw each other every single day, all the sudden, he wants space. He wants a few days apart. A week later, he breaks it off with me over the phone. The only big difference here is, when we were on our "break", he never opened up about what's wrong, never spoke about our impending doom, or even discussed our problems. Right now, we've had two conversations about our miscommunication, our fighting, and what we might be doing wrong.

 

No matter what happens, I do expect him to call. Ever since he's moved, he lost most of his friends. He honestly only has two friends, and both have girlfriends. ALL his aquaintances have girlfriends. Even on Saturday, he needed help with his job from a friend, he said he called every single person he knew on his phone and no one ever called him back. And his one friend, his roommate, he can't even stand anymore. I'm really all he has. And I think this is an ace card for me, to let him know he has to appreciate me in order to have me.

 

I apologize for the lengthy post again...... All input is VERY appreciated. Especially with what to do with the car, how to make him appreciate me, and what to do when the next time he calls.

[annie24]

Honestly, I wouldn't give him the car. I think it's not the best idea to mix friendship/romance/money. And here we have a really good example.

 

Say that you do get him this car. You admit that there are a ton of problems with it. Even though you've told him that, something will go bad with the car, and he'll blame it all on you, and say that it's your fault you forced him to buy this piece of junk and blah blah blah. He may even take you to small claims court! I mean, he's yelled at you for way smaller stuff, so I don't see why he wouldn't yell at you about the car.

 

Don't do it. Stay out of it. I don't think that the $500 profit it would make for your dad is worth all the hassle.

 

Honestly, it does sound like he's being nice to you for the car.

[nataliejulie]

I went to the bookstore today and bought "Help! I'm in love with a narcissist!" Trust me, looked through almost every book there on relationships and just a few paragraphs of this book gave me chills.

 

I'm almost done now, reading. Everything rings so true, it's creepy.

Basically it says, a narcissist is all about themselves. All the problems are re-directed towards someone else because of their own ego and self esteem. They keep people around for esteem and support. They have Dr. Jekyl Mr. Hyde syndrome (and how many times I have I said that?) They try to form you into someone they want you to be. They take envy in others and what they have. They hate life, because nothing is ever enough. They have no empathy and only feel sorry for themselves. They also say that it has nothing to do with what their partner does -- it's just their personalities and they will never, ever change.

 

They put people down, they belittle them, they make everything the other's fault, they are quick to blame, quick to pick on, if you give any finger pointing to them and their faults.. they becoming extremely angry and defensive, and basically keep you there when they need you.

 

People who fall in love with Narcissists find themselves making excuses, find themselves fantasizing about a relationship that is not there, feels that they never had that "chance", feels no closure because they became a person they did not fall in love with, they often stay with a Narcissist in fear that they will eventually change and they lost that chance.

 

The thing that rang true the most was... when a Narcissist falls in the love (the beginning of the relationship) they treat you like they just found the Holy Grail. They idiolize you. They worship you. They are romantic, almost to the point of it being right out of a movie. And as soon as that moment they realize you have fallen for it -- they do a complete 180 and use that love against you.

He did that, you know. He wrote me love letters, told his mother I was "the one" on the second date, showered me with gifts, compliments, poetry, amazing dates... and the minute I fell for it, I did all the chasing.

 

Their response on how to handle a Narcissist is to basically set yourself boundaries, grow a back bone, be unpredictable, and talk to them in a non-accusing/non-blaming tone.

 

So, I have not spoken to him since 11:30 am yesterday morning, it is now 7:30 pm tonight. Have I thought about calling? No. I'm in love with Dr. Jekyl. I'm in love with all he had to offer me, all he had to give and all he has done for me. If I pick up that phone ring now and dial that number, I know it will not be the person I want to speak to.

 

And now I am crying. I have not cried over him since they day he dumped me.

[Miss M]

NatalieJulie, I've also read a big stack of books while trying to sort out my own confusion. And all day long I've been going through book titles in my head trying to figure out if there was one I could recommend to you. I wasn't coming up with anything, so I'm very glad you've found one that hit the nail on the head for you. I haven't read that one you found, but I'm really glad it shook something in you. I have read another that also seems applicable to you. I suggest that you also take a look at The Betrayal Bond by Patrick J. Carnes to see if that one is also resonant with you. It explains why we hang on so long to those tiny remnants of hope, and how to finally let go so we don't keep getting sucked back in.

 

And now I am crying. I have not cried over him since they day he dumped me.

In this case, I'd say the tears are a good sign. It means you've cracked open the delusion and are now seeing reality. You have begun to let go of the fantasies you've been clinging to that he will be the person you want/need him to be. You're facing the truth, and that feels like you've lost something that you cherish. It hurts really badly, so your tears are very normal. Just know that you're not alone in your pain, my heart is also with you.

[PlayBrat]

Natalie I've read through your posts and your last post says you were finally crying. That's a good sign..and it also means you are fnally letting go of that perfect image you had in your head about this guy.

 

Tears are very healthy.

Cry as much as you need to...it will heal you.

Being angry motivates you..but it never heals you.

 

This is near the last stage...sadness...next is acceptance.

You'll be there soon.

[danylion]

Hello NJ,

 

I have followed your posts and the whole process but have never replied as other people's replys have covered what advice I would like to offer you. but I just had to that I agree about crying and positive tears, they are a true release so let it all out.

 

I am sure you are feeling emotionally exhausted sweetheart but you sound like one tough cookie (and a very kind one). I wish you all the best and my thoughts are with you, you deserve only good now for all the patience and love you give out.

 

Look after yourself NJ

[kellbell]

Hi there,

 

 

To NJ especially,

 

Something a dear friend told me and it rings very true, the person that seems to care the least always controls the relationship. Your ex makes that loud and clear. Also, the person who seemed to care the most, always has the harder time getting over it, as in your case. You would want to be with someone who cares the same as you. You deserve so much better and your ex knows that. But yet, your advice is very on the money. That's why I love these boards so much, no matter how hard things are or how hard it was for us to come to these points in our lives, we are able to share them others in hopes to reach at least one person. Hugs to you NJ, I know it has been a tough summer and fall for you. Hang in there and stay strong.

[nataliejulie]

The conclusion to my saga came to a hault last night.

 

I was doing very well with my NC, not wanting to call till I found out some pretty disappointing news. I heard he was reaching to a few females to go out for some drinks (one only being 19?!? he's 26?!) And one being a female he was interested in during our break up, her name is Alise.

 

I called him at midnight. I was scorned. I asked him flat out, "do you want to see me?" He stayed quiet. I asked again, he says I don't know. I ask if he wants to keep trying, he says that is a tough decision and he doesn't know. I tell him to answer me, he says he doesn't see it working out, he wish it would, but we can't get along, he wants to be happy, relationships do not require work and this was work he did not want to do, etc.

 

I told him I knew about him emailing alise. He denied it at first, totally lying. after a few minutes of me saying I know he's lying, he tells me he did only because she contacted him, but he was lying again. I know this for sure. He says, "who cares anyway? You are not my girlfriend!" I said, "We made a deal, two months ago, we were not going to see anyone else!" He denied that, too... saying we never made that deal and he has no idea what I'm talking about.

 

At this point, I tried to soften up and said the following: "J__, I understand what you are feeling. I know that for a few months now your life has been turned up side down and you are totally unhappy with yourself. All your hopes and dreams did not work out the way they wanted. Your friends have all abadoned you. You are lonely, confused and hurt. You are 26 years old, started your life all over again with school. You have no idea where and what you want to do with your life. I can only imagine the problems you face every day and all I wanted to do is be there for you. No relationship is perfect and no person is perfect, but I loved you for you and who you wanted to become and who you are now. I wanted to support you, love you and care for you through this time in your life."

 

He said that was very sweet and nice of me to say. Then I said, "you won't work on things because you think they do not require work. Things get bad and you want to quit." He interrupts me by yelling at me saying I make no sense and I'm going nowhere with what I'm saying. He tells me he shouldn't work on anything because he has done nothing at all wrong in the relationship. He told me I'm a total fake because I'm not the same girl. He tried calling me a liar, saying all I did was build myself up to be an amazing girl when I wasn't. He even threw in there he only lead me on the past few days because of the car (I should trust my gut, eh?)

 

Then I snapped. For the next 10 minutes, included me yelling (only to speak over him because he never lets me talk) and him trying to talk over me in the background. I forced myself not to listen, only to release what I had to say. I told him, "You are only in love with yourself. You are consumed with yourself and nothing else matters. You will never change, ever. I am the single, only person in this world that cares about you and you know it. I am in love with this man I met who cherished me and loved me with all his being and you are not him. You will never be him again and this relationship will never work because of that. You, now, are dead to me and I have no idea who you are, you are a stranger. That is why none of your friends call you back because they know the only reason you want them in the first place is because you are lonely now. You have became a total, complete pr**k, that's why no one is real in your life. I am real, I am not a liar, I am a wonderful person that let someone like you take advantage of that... that is why I HAVE friends that call me back, that's why I HAVE friends I've known for ten years and you don't. That's the big difference between us. If I'm the fake, why do I have people in my life that care about me? You ruined us by taking advantage of me, making me miserable, under appreciating me and manipulating me. You can say or do whatever you want to get over me, to make me the bad guy, but you know it's not true and I have many more friends than you that know the real me."

 

I can hear him talking calmly, I heard the word sorry, I heard him trying to reason with me, but I wasn't listening. I continued, "I was with someone last night (which I wasn't, I was suppose to though) that was totally into me, treated me with respect and showed me what kind of man I deserve in my life. I put up with you for so long, took care of you, gave you a home. You are right, this relationship will never work. Thank you, though, for showing me what kind of relationship I DO want and what kind of person to AVOID. I can't even have sex with you. I'm totally turned off by this creature you became and I haven't had an orgasm in a year, (that is true) can you believe that? You can't even bring me pleasure?"

 

He got real quiet. I read that book, "I'm in love with a Narcissist" and did everything it told me not to do, I used it as my weapon. I have officially broke what he cares about most; his ego. He tried talking again, didn't listen, I interrupted him and said, "J__, wait, let me do it this time.." and I hung up on him. First time I ever hung up on him.

 

As of right now, yes I do miss him but I miss the man behind the mask. I cannot wait around anymore to see if he will change, either. I feel like I have 20lbs of my shoulders and I felt really good saying everything I did. I never yelled at him like that, I never belittled him like that, and the whole time I've known him, I never called him a name.

 

Who knows if he'll ever contact me again. Who knows if this is the end. Maybe his pride is too great to have a rude awakening. I attacked his self esteem and his ego at all sides of the spectrum, I don't think any man would want to speak to me after that... nor would I care.

[TiredMan]

While you do feel better, you have to realize your "rant" and belittling makes you no better a person than him. Sorry to say.

[nataliejulie]

While you do feel better, you have to realize your "rant" and belittling makes you no better a person than him. Sorry to say.

 

It doesn't. I stood up for myself. If I got off the phone and left him torturing me, I would have just proved myself to have no back bone. I wasn't about to sit there and listen. He would never listen to me, unless I did that. He will only listen if it involves him. He was very obviously surprised by my reaction and it only proved to him that I have the ability to think for myself, stand up for myself, and not take his s**t no longer.

 

Last time we split, I didn't yell, call names, nothing. He came back, just to take advantage of me again. I know him well enough that I had to do that to get through to him. To let him know I have a voice.

[TiredMan]

Breaking away because you feel he was not treating you well is fine. I think all the parting shots and the fact you admitted to "belittling" him isn't healthy. Doesn't make you better than him, IMO.

 

But I do hope it works out for the both of you.

[nataliejulie]

Guilt got the better of me. That, and I have a heart.

 

I tried to call, I knew he wouldn't answer. I left a voicemail,

"I wanted to apologize if I hurt your feelings last night. I do care about you immensely and I didn't want to do that to you. I'm not calling to reconcile or try to get back together. I want to let you know that I agree with it not working out. We are both so unhappy with our lives, it makes it almost impossible for us to be happy with each other. We work against each other, not for each other. And with that kind of attitude, it just won't work for us. I'm sorry for it having to end the way it has."

 

 

 

 

[annie24]

(((BIG HUG)))

 

I'm sorry that things didn't work out for you, but I think you were fully justified in saying all the things you said. It really bugs me when a guy flat out denies something that was discussed and a total fact. It's like they're treating you like you're stupid - trying to convince you that a conversation never took place (even though it did take place!!!)

 

Forget him. He's no good. I'm so glad you hung up on him! Honestly, he's been the source of your grief for far too long. He's not that nice guy that romanced you in the beginning.

 

Well - forget all about him now, and focus on healing yourself.

 

take care

[TiredMan]

Guilt got the better of me. That, and I have a heart.

 

I tried to call, I knew he wouldn't answer. I left a voicemail,

"I wanted to apologize if I hurt your feelings last night. I do care about you immensely and I didn't want to do that to you. I'm not calling to reconcile or try to get back together. I want to let you know that I agree with it not working out. We are both so unhappy with our lives, it makes it almost impossible for us to be happy with each other. We work against each other, not for each other. And with that kind of attitude, it just won't work for us. I'm sorry for it having to end the way it has."

 

 

 

 

 

I'm sorry for it happening. I would hug you if I could. God knows I need one too with my situation. One thing I do try to do. When I want to have a huge emotional outburst of anger, I withhold myself by yelling it at her when she is not around me or on the phone. Basically yelling it out by myself because once you do it to them, you can't really take it back.

[Miss M]

Guilt got the better of me. That, and I have a heart.

 

I tried to call, I knew he wouldn't answer. I left a voicemail,

"I wanted to apologize if I hurt your feelings last night. I do care about you immensely and I didn't want to do that to you. I'm not calling to reconcile or try to get back together. I want to let you know that I agree with it not working out. We are both so unhappy with our lives, it makes it almost impossible for us to be happy with each other. We work against each other, not for each other. And with that kind of attitude, it just won't work for us. I'm sorry for it having to end the way it has."

 

 

 

 

 

NJ, I sure hope you're able to relinquish that guilt. Those of us who end up in these kinds of relationships have an excessive ability to feel guilt and shame and self-blame, something like an addiction. But while you're inclined to get bogged down with that to the point of losing perspective, the narcisisstic person is addicted in the opposite direction, and has found countless ways of feeling none of that. I don't think your rant affected him all that much because he's not really capable of feeling bad... he's just capable of ACTING bad as a way to avoid feeling those feelings.

 

So I suggest you shift your focus and let go of the guilt as best you can... let yourself off the hook. Allow yourself some time off of feeling responsible for hurting him. It's been lopsided in the other direction for too long, so don't worry about him at all. In fact, you need to actively and earnestly practice NOT worrying about him for a while, wean yourself away from worrying about whether he's hurting. Really, I found it EXTREMELY difficult to make that shift and had to really focus, to learn to let go of caring about the other person, to look after myself in a healthy way. So do try to take care of yourself for a change. Think of what you need to do to nurture yourself and heal, and give yourself some of that loving care you've been giving to him.

 

Good luck and best wishes.

[PlayBrat]

NAtalie

 

The book "Women Who Love Too Much" is excellent for women who are involved in relationships where the woman feels like she needs to "fix" the other person in some way. Or relationships that are unhealthy ..yet they are unable to give them up. I read it years ago...and it's one of the first books that helped me see a pattern I did not even realize I had. It's a real eye opener.

 

Couldn't hurt to read...but remember, the only person you can TRULY help is yourself. Good luck!

[nataliejulie]

Thank you everyone. I just wanted to let you know that no, I have no heard from him. I do not expect to, either. I'm on strict NC. Annie made a good point, with him thinking I was stupid after denying facts that I already knew that were true.

 

My anger does not influence my decision. I have already decided that the fate of this relationship is unknown -- as any relationship. We could meet again in 5 years and who knows. I do not hope... I'm just saying. I have an ex in my life now that I'm very good friends with and we ended worse than me and J__. And I also decided this relationship cannot work and cannot survive with his attitude. He is miserable. He hates his life. He tells me over and over he doesn't care if he even lives. How can someone like that love me? We broke up... I Changed.. I worked on my life, my happiness. He did not. It couldn't have worked if that "relationship scale" was unbalanced.

 

So, I feel really good today. I have taken this better than I thought. It does bother me that he clings himself towards anyone willing to give him attention.. because as soon as things like this happen, he consumes his time to keep his mind off things instead of dealing with them.

[OCD]

AND OCD -- remain mysterious for right now. It will only take a little time till it starts really bothering her. It's just a little push to show her you have a life and it doesn't need to involve her.

 

I keep thinking about this statement from the other day, thanks NatalieJulie for your input. I know you're going through a tough time right now...be strong. But, if showing my ex that I have a life outside of her, will that get her thinking about me or do just the opposite? Thanks again!! Hang in there everybody

[nataliejulie]

I keep thinking about this statement from the other day, thanks NatalieJulie for your input. I know you're going through a tough time right now...be strong. But, if showing my ex that I have a life outside of her, will that get her thinking about me or do just the opposite? Thanks again!! Hang in there everybody

 

OCD -- It may be tough but I feel a lot better. And I want to tell you this to give you some relief, too. If things with you don't go as you hoped or as you planned... do not be scared. I feel like I have 20lbs lifted from my shoulders. I'm no longer in limbo. I no longer sit here and wonder, what if. I'm no longer scared of an outcome or worried about what I should do next.

 

She knows how you feel. There's nothing more you can do than that, other then to push her away. You cannot be toyed with. There is some kind of cheesy rainbow at the end of this! I'm moving on, having a life without him. I was making myself worse, I was torturing myself, staying and talking to a man who cannot decide if I was worth his time or effort. I feel SO much better now that I'm focusing on one person now.. not two people. I cannot fix the ex, neither can you. They do that on their own.

[OCD]

Thanks again NatalieJulie,

I've been reading some posts today regarding NC...for the most part it seems like it's just to heal myself, but folks here have told me that it's the only way to move on and/or get my ex back. Shouldn't I communicate with her at this stage in the game, since she's been doing all of the calling for the last month or so?? I think NC has been great for me to heal and not say stupid things to her, but now that she's calling should I at least do some of the calling back? Or should I just wait till she calls and remain mysterious...to have her keep guessing? Thank you.

[NotMyself]

Natalie! Hang in there! Today is going to be a good day!

[nataliejulie]

Thanks again NatalieJulie,

I've been reading some posts today regarding NC...for the most part it seems like it's just to heal myself, but folks here have told me that it's the only way to move on and/or get my ex back. Shouldn't I communicate with her at this stage in the game, since she's been doing all of the calling for the last month or so?? I think NC has been great for me to heal and not say stupid things to her, but now that she's calling should I at least do some of the calling back? Or should I just wait till she calls and remain mysterious...to have her keep guessing? Thank you.

 

I read a book from a world known relationship therapist. He said the main key to attraction is mysteriousness. He also said every human being reacts to push and pull. The more you push, the more they pull. The more you pull, they more they push. So keep on doing what you are doing.. you are doing great.

[lulu04]

Hey nataliejulie,

I've been following your story & I think it's definitely good that you are getting away from this relationship. I have had a similar painful, drawn-out breakup with my fiance of 6 yrs, and after 2.5 months, it's still not all tied up -- he won't let it be tied up, meanwhile, I am finally ready (well, trying to be!) to move on & he won't even come to get his things. THey know just how to keep us so that we are miserable, I swear. It's almost scary how manipulative someone that you loved with all of your heart can be...

It sounds to me like you were in a similar co-dependent relationship & now that you have only YOU to be concerned about, you are going to feel a bit of relief, eventually. But it's like an addiction, isn't it? I feel empty without him to care for, but it is gradually lessening. My concern for myself is that I don't want to subconsciously always seek out men who need to be "fixed" and continue to repeat these bad relationships where we lose ourselves, lose respect for ourselves and only focus on their happiness.

ANyway, I had an interesting session w/my therapist yesterday & I wanted to share with you some of the info. My father was an alcoholic, and she said it is very common for adult children of alcoholics (or any other kind of abuser/addict) to seek out men to "fix." Not sure if this applies to you, but it was an eye-opener for me. She gave me a book called "Codependent No More" (sounds cheesy, yes, but has been a very interesting read so far) -- I would recommend it to you if you're into the self-help kind of thing. It's about learning how to not repeat these patterns so next time you are attracted to someone healthy automatically, not automatically attracted to someone to "save".

We can't save these men. As much as it hurts to not be able to. I want to so badly. But slowly I am seeing how much more worth it it is to save myself, even if it means i have to be alone.

sending you strength & hope...

[OCD]

I read a book from a world known relationship therapist. He said the main key to attraction is mysteriousness. He also said every human being reacts to push and pull. The more you push, the more they pull. The more you pull, they more they push. So keep on doing what you are doing.. you are doing great.

 

Thanks NJ for the positive words...that's what gotten me this far Somedays it doesn't feel like I'm doing all that great...but I'm hanging in there. That is interesting about the push and pull key to attraction. I suppose by me not calling is in effect pulling, hopefully. Then perhaps my ex will push, right. Then viceversa. Well she's been calling every week and a half or so for the last 6 weeks...that means she'll be calling within the next few days...she's been pretty consistant with these phone calls...I'm not sure if she'll call this weekend, but it would be nice...It's just nice to talk to her and hear her voice, but I can't really let her know that, yet. Like you said I'm trying to remain mysterious and do my thing. Hopefully she'll turn it all around and want to hang out someday, but I'm going on my date tomorrow night. It will be refreshing to stop thinking about my ex for once and stop waisting all of my energy thinking about her, etc...Thanks again NJ, you've been a great help to me hear along some of the other folks...you guys are great!!!

[nataliejulie]

I haven't posted about my situation in a little while.

 

Basically, last time I posted, I wrote about saying some nasty things to him on Monday... then I called on Tuesday, left a message, apologizing.

 

On FRIDAY, I call him. He seemed actually happy to hear from me. We talked for a little bit, nothing bad. I actually told him I missed him, he said "I know". Then he says, "I don't think it would be a good idea if we saw each other." I said, "I wasn't asking to hang out.".. Then he replies with "Well, our friends would probably be really mad about it anyway" Then laughs. Then he said, is it ok if I call you later? Can I call you later? I said, yeah sure... then says it again, I'll talk to you later, ok? (He never called later)

 

Yesterday, I wrote him an e-mail.

This is the e-mail, sorry if it's a LITTLE lengthy...

I want you to read this. I feel like I have some things I wanted to say to you. I'm not going to call you, I'm not begging for you back... all I want is for you to understand what I have to say.

 

Weeks ago, I would have felt better about everything if we gave it a try. I would have felt that all my efforts were worth it and have total reassurance of any choices made. I went into this again, changing myself, my attitude and working on any insecurities that I hate about myself. I saw that, I may have been changing, but nothing else really did. We never even sat down and discussed why it led to this and HOW to fix it. Yes, we played the blame game and told our war stories, but we never ever made the decision to fix them. We just figure, hey, if it's a good relationship they will fix themselves. I forgot the biggest part of this whole time together again was that it's not just about me. It's not just about you, either. It's not that we aren't compatible, either.

 

We want to be happy. Not US, but ourselves. We are so insanely stubborn that whatever we say is right, whatever we do is right and that's that. We put a fight up for what we believe in. I know both of us are probably going out every night, spending every minute of our free time doing all that is possible to not think about anything. We are both are very driven people, with almost impossible obtainable goals. We hate to think we are alone, hate to think we don't have the attention we want and hate to think we are disliked in any way. We hate when the feeling of our space, or freedom is taken away. We want to wake up in the morning, get up, go anywhere and everywhere without having to explain yourself to anyone. I can go on, but it's pretty ironic how we can't figure out why we can't get along, but fail to think maybe we are both a little too much alike.

Unfortuntely, this attitude doesn't help things but makes them ten times worse than they are. We never really stopped ourselves to think we were some kind of team, that we have to SUPPORT each other.. compromise, make agreements. Instead, we worked against each other, leaving us with no resolution and thinking one person is right and the other is wrong. And you are right. Relationships aren't work. We never cheated, betrayed each other, never treated each other so incredibly awful. Those kinds of relationships DO require work. (And a good reason to break up, if you ask me.) We didn't have to work, we just had to respect each other, listen to each other, say I'm sorry, and make some kind of compromise to make us both happy. Whenever you wanted time to do your own thing, I should have just said OK, instead of being so passive aggressive because I wasn't happy. I don't really blame either of us, just the fact we never had a ground of friendship before we jumped into a serious relationship. We never worked on that friends part.

 

I hate to think, if we just stopped being so damn stubborn and so defensive... actually tried to help each other, support each other and not stop ourselves before a fight... that we could not be in the place we are now. That's all I wanted to do. I only wanted to be there for you. I never wanted to fight with you... but for some reason, pride comes before that. Our objection for reasoning was never there. I love doing the things we do and wish we could experience a lot more. I'm going to Europe in a few weeks and wish you were coming with me. I love your jokes and I love how comfortable we are with each other. I love the fact we are going through the same things in our lives and we can do it together. We are totally attracted to each other and into the same things that turn us on. There's never a dull moment, we are usually up for everything and anything. Most people break up because they don't like the same things, that they are going in different directions or that they aren't even attracted to them anymore. It's just so hurtful to think that it's all lost because we can't learn a friendship. We can't reason. We're too stubborn to fix it. One person has to be right and the other has to be wrong -- and we hate being wrong.

 

I really highly doubt you will respond. I just want you to understand where I'm coming from and I don't want to feel like this relationship was hopeless. I do love you and I do care about you more than you will ever know. My life is moving on so fast right now, I have no choice other than to follow it. I moved, I'm going to college and I only have one year left till I graduate. People will be coming in and out of my life. I have that internship at WHYY and god knows how many more opportunities that will come. I'm finally going to see Europe. I'm happy, I am. I haven't been this excited about my life in a long time. I only wish that one day you will be happy, too. I can't lie and say I'm bummed out about some things. I mean, I would love to come over, tell you about my day, all the things I've learned, the people I met and be able to hold you while I do that. I would love to help each other with homework, be study buddies (ha!), and support each other through a rough day.

 

But this is all fantasy now. I'll be 23, I've learned a lot from you. I've learned what being in a relationship really is. It's being together, being a couple, being equal and working for each other. One day, that fantasy will come true, but it won't be with you. Not if we have that stubborness, that all-or-nothing attitude, that one person is right one person is wrong idea. I used to hate being wrong, I used to hate compromising when I thought I was right, I wanted things my way. I can't do that anymore. My pride has made me so disappointed in my life because I expected too much... it made me unhappy... and not to mention, I lost my chance with someone to have something great.

I can't lie and say I'll be there if you want to be in my life.

At this point, I have already accepted everything.

Don't worry about me, I'll be fine.

xo,

natalya

I called him, very cheerfully, called him muffin, told me he'd read it later and defintely e-mail me back.

Now here's the part that you will all disagree on, I will have tomatoes thrown at me. So don't even tell me it was a mistake because I know it was.

I CRACKED. I called him, asked him if he was seeing anyone, etc. Told him to be flat out honest with me because it would hurt more if I found out, he says no. He says I'm a hypocrite because I'm probably dating 20,000 guys and he's not asking me.

 

Then I call him later, telling him that he has to realize how selfish and stubborn he is. I told him that a lot of people around him always say he's hard to get along with because he has a huge head on his shoulders. Told him I'm only trying to help him because he's losing people this way. Bla bla, he gets angry and tells me he never wants to speak to me again.

 

Then I call back again SOBBING AND CRYING. I have not cried infront of him since it was summer out. I told him I don't know what I'm doing anymore, what I'm saying anymore, I just want him back. I told him how much this hurts me, how ridiculous I think it is that we are breaking up because our relationship is so perfect (he's said this to me before) but we just cant get along. I told him I'd do anything for him, I begged, pleaded, cried. Told him to think about things, he says he does all the time. He sounded like he was choking up, told me he was uncomfortable and we got off the phone.

 

And I know he had to read my email later. However, no response. The only thing left I have to do is go NC. I never did NC. We never stopped talking for more than a week. But, at this point I feel hopeless.