I wouldn't have my ex back if I used NC.

[nataliejulie]

That's right. I said it.

 

Everyone's break up is different.

Every single one is unique in some sort of way.

This is only help for those in my similiar situation.

 

I came here in August, feeling hopeless, confused, hurt and most of all; searching for answers. I read and read through situations till my eyes hurt.

I wanted to know how to get my ex back after I caused the break up itself. I caused the fighting. I was controlling. I took my stress out on him. I accused him of things he never did before. I let paranoia get the best of me. I was impatient. I was uptight. I was not the woman he fell in love with. If I was him, I would have dumped me too.

 

A week after the split, I did everything wrong in the book. Begging, pleading, crying. 95% of everyone told me to use NC. After nearly two weeks of NC, it hit me. Does he want to come back to a person he thought was.. well, crazy? Does he want to come back to a person he wasn't sure that could change? No! If I used NC, he would never be able to see me wanting to progess, wanting to change.

 

He told me in the beginning how sorry he was, but he could never see it changing. He said I'm not the same person I used to be and he's pretty sure I would remain that way. I heard it all that you have. He wants to be friends, he doesn't want to lose me completely. Even though, I pleaded and promised I would... actions speak louder than words! It was time to devote myself on making me a better person. Hell, I didn't want to be that way! I lost something in my life that meant so much. The more and more horrible I became in the relationship, the more and more I pushed him away.

 

I made it a mission. Not just for him, but for me. I dealt with my stresses. I dealt with my insecurities (self esteem, paranoia, the ability to just RELAX). I didn't remain "FRIENDS" with him. I remained someone who still loved him and wanted the best for whatever happened to him. In the meanwhile, I will work on myself. Whichever choice he makes, as long as he's happy, will justify. As soon as I realized this, I was a big step closer to becoming a much more "together" person.

 

Who wants a begger? A pleader? A cryer? Someone who can't show confidence? Someone depressed? I snapped up. THEY WANT SPACE -- this is important!! -- RESPECT IT!!! We only talked once a week... but this was it. I HAD TO LEARN PATIENCE. Talk to them in CONFIDENCE. Talk to them with SELF ESTEEM. Use that pain and turn it to STRENGTH. And MAKE CHANGES -- in your life and with yourself. DON'T PRETEND! They will see right through it. You need to put effort into yourself before you use it on them.

 

I stopped arguing. I stopped my attitude. I calmed myself down. I made my life a happier place without him. I knew it would only be for the best. But the biggest hurtle of them all was my patience with myself and him becoming comfortable with me.

 

They have to become comfortable with you again. They have to want to open up. They have to see you for what you really are, who you really were, see you are willing to make effort.

 

After three months of time and patience... I have my ex back and not only that -- the relationship is better than ever.

 

- TREAT the relationship as a new one.

- STOP being clingy. BE somewhat unavailable. Don't always pick up that phone. Don't always be there on every beckon call. STOP being so attached. STOP waiting for that phone call.

- RESPECT their space. And YOURS too! This time and space will give you plenty opportunity to think, feel and look a much bigger picture.

- USE this time to improve your insecurities.

- WORK on your problems. I was controlling, I used to want him all to myself -- now I tell him to go out, have fun, enjoy himself.

- STOP reading into things. You will only make yourself crazy!

- THEY do miss you. But they MISS the person they were in love with, the one that made them happy.

- BE yourself. If you are doing a really good job for the academy award for best actor/actresses, you are lying to the both of you. You can't pretend forever. You have to see if this relationship CAN work out. If the fighting CAN stop. If you really ARE compatible.

 

and most of all......

 

DO NOT PUSH. Pushing will only push them FARTHER away. Don't buy that card, that stuffed animal, that present you think that will win them back. It's pushing. Don't smother them. Don't ask, Why didn't you call!? Don't drill them on what they have been doing. Don't send that e-mail. Don't talk about how much you two should be back together. Let them steer the car in the direction they want to go in. Make them as comfortable as you possibly can. By pushing them, hassling them, it only scares them away. Just RELAX... let things work out themselves.

 

Time really does improve things. It can move you on or even improve a broken and battered relationship. Time brings forgiveness.

And that thing, patience, that we all really grow to hate .. let it be your best friend. Move with their speed, not yours. Things don't change that quickly, it takes time and effort like any project does. It needs it's foundation, then work your way up.

[DN]

I think I said much the same in a post yesterday. If you are the one who caused the break-up, and the person you broke up with doesn't want to talk to you, how can no contact help that scenario if you want him or her back?

 

No contact is not a panacea for all break ups, it is a way to heal after a relationship fails. It is possible that it will make the person who broke up with someone miss their ex and want to come back but that is not the primary reason to use it.

 

Hubman wrote a good post about no contact the other day:

 

link removed

[Miss M]

Nataliejulie, Thanks for sharing that. Wow, that's a really great post. And it's a wonderfully encouraging to read that someone is evolving and growing into a healthier person. I know it took a lot courage and strength to go through that, to get to where you are now. Good for you. And congratulations on getting back together with your guy. Wishing all the best to you both from here on.

[annie24]

I know I said it before - Congrats!!!! I am so happy everything worked out so well! Great news!

[nataliejulie]

I just think....

 

NC is used to move on. If you want your ex back and you caused the break up... why move on?

 

Situations like these revolve around time & patience.

 

If I didn't learn of my mistakes, take the effort to improve, have total patience and control ... I wouldn't be sitting right here with the biggest feeling of accomplishment.

 

I laid down my foundation (communication).

I built my walls (effort & improvement).

Now I have my house, after all that time and patience, I can finally live in it.

 

Pretty corny way to explain it, but that's exactly how I feel. The feeling of 110% effort into something.... and creating something beautiful is beyond words.

[lonelymountian]

hi nataliejulie and others,

did you or your ex at the time date other people or did you both have the intention of resuming a relationship?

I have kinda the same situation- but maybe i havent been as strong as you. We were together 3 years, and have been split for 4 months. we have talked and had good times together, even went on a vacation. We split because i partied too hard, and in the darkest hour slept with someone else while we were on a "break".

I guess i had to know that she (my ex) was the one i wanted for my whole life, and now she is dating someone else...

I have done the whole begging bit, flowers, etc. and i feel that she has forgotten the old me? how would i show her that i still love her with all of my heart but make her WANT to come back, and not push like i have been?

I dont party anymore and have seen that the people i spent time with were not good for me, but i think it is that she cant trust me or does not know what she wants...

[ziggystardust]

I have some questions...I am a little confused, but not heartbroken like I was. My gf broke up with me a little less than a month ago. We have been emailing back and forth pretty much the whole time...it has been getting a lot more intimate. Haven't talked on the phone yet, but I did leave her a message last night for the first time. I want this to work out, and she says she does too. "She misses me...she loves me...she sees god making this work out...maybe we can meet at church...stuff like that" she says that she can't wait to reconcile our relationship with me, and can't wait to see me. I feel just the same. I have worked through the problems that were in our relationship on my side, but have not seen her yet. I have no problems with her at all...I love her like she is. Am I just being impatient? I want to close this deal, but am worried she'll pull back. Help

[DN]

ziggy, you are likely to get more replies if you start your own thread.

[ziggystardust]

oops...thought I was...thnx though

[DN]

Well, if you ask for solutions to your problem on someone else's thread, as opposed to using your situation to illustrate a point to the original poster, it's looked on as hijacking the thread.

 

More to the point, when you post your own problem as a new topic it is posted on the main page and takes it's place at the top of the page - more people are likely to see it and answer.

[nataliejulie]

He kept saying he didn't think it would work. We never had the intention of working on things (but I did want to and he knew that).

 

Considering she has a new boyfriend... I would just keep away. She already knows you want her back, by doing anything else is pushing. Especially if she's already in a relationship.

[nataliejulie]

Take it easy. Keep things at an easy pace. If you make some rash decisions, expect rash reactions.

[the_dude007]

hey natalie julie....

 

I think you are right. Once you run on the NC, you really leave it in the other's person court, and that could push that person away, showing you've got your tail between your legs.

 

But who knows. Just having another rough night. They seem to be getting worse as I go along. We broke up 2 months ago, and the time between contact is 3 weeks.

[jenny_mcs]

Awesome post, nj. I agree with everything you wrote. I was coming at things from the other side, as the dumper, and all the pushing my bf did in the weeks after the breakup only drove me further away.

 

Until you are ready to have a positive conversation without bringing up the relationship, and without putting pressure or demands on your ex, stay in NC!

 

When my ex was able to e-mail me or call about good things- and able to keep things kind of light is when I started to look forward to contact.

 

Patience is the true key. Any call or e-mail or text or visit that is made out of desperation is bound to go badly. I'll never forget when my then ex (we're back together) sent his first e-mail after 3 weeks of NC. I was dreading opening it, because I expected another 3 pager, rehashing our relationship. When I got a light, upbeat "hey, I saw this article and I thought you might like it, hope all is well.." - that's when I was surprised. A few more weeks of positive communication, and I was looking forward to his emails and calls, not dreading them anymore.

 

I'm so glad things worked out for you- I've been following your story!

[nataliejulie]

Thanks sweetheart!

 

It's good to hear from the dumper. It makes everything seem more positive and puts some proof into my points. Thanks for pointing them out!

 

How has the relationship been so far??

[jenny_mcs]

Well, we've been working on things for a while, and back together for a few weeks, and so far, it has been amazing. Our biggest breakthrough came this weekend while we were hiking. I mentioned that instead of going over to his place on Wednesday (we usually hang out and watch "Lost"), I was going to go out to dinner for a co-worker's birthday. He paused and said "And this is where I usually get mad…." And I said, "and then I get mad that you're mad…" and he said "and then we both kind of sulk and are pissed off at each other the rest of the day.." We both cracked up, and agreed that I'd go my friend's b-day dinner, he'd TiVo Lost, and Thursday I'd bring Chinese food, and he'd buy a bottle of wine. Of course, later we found out that Lost is going to be a repeat anyways, but we're still doing Chinese & a bottle of wine!

 

Seriously, it feels like the weight of the world is off our shoulders, and we can look back and laugh at the ridiculous way we used to interact. I feel like our break up (2-3 months) was the best thing that could have happened. We are feeling the giddiness of a new relationship, plus the comfort of an established love, and that is one awesome combination.

[selfi]

We are feeling the giddiness of a new relationship, plus the comfort of an established love, and that is one awesome combination.

 

That is such a beautiful way of expressing things. I wish you lots of happiness hun! You deserve it

[nataliejulie]

Funny! We even had our moment where we could share a laugh about the past.

Things have been great over here too. I'm 99% sure that the break up was the best thing we could have ever done. It's like, falling in love all over again.

[Echo]

Hey guys..thanks for the positve stories. I have been in NC with my ex off and on for the last couple months. I am kind of stuck with how to re open

contact again though. He's at that non responsive point, and I need

some tips on maybe how to get him to open up again. I admit my last attempts at contact while not really negative..they weren't exactly

poitive either, because I am still in that hurt phase.

Will he ever talk to me again?

What can I do to create better feelings?

Help

[nataliejulie]

Hey guys..thanks for the positve stories. I have been in NC with my ex off and on for the last couple months. I am kind of stuck with how to re open

contact again though. He's at that non responsive point, and I need

some tips on maybe how to get him to open up again. I admit my last attempts at contact while not really negative..they weren't exactly

poitive either, because I am still in that hurt phase.

Will he ever talk to me again?

What can I do to create better feelings?

Help

 

Get over that hurt -- it's hard. But you need that strength to move towards creating a healthy communication. Start off with a friendly conversation, keep it low. Talk about things you've been up to and see how life is with him. From reading your posts, I know you do some comedy... so make him laugh! Keep the converation upbeat and show no signs of remorse or hurt. It's a start to make the ex feel comfortable and able to open up. They feel less guilty.

[ziggystardust]

really great supportive words NJ...you are an asset to the lost. I have been keeping it light...she opens up so much, and I open up a little too. The next day though...I get right back to the light talk...she is put off by it a little, but in the evening we go right back to the open conversation. She asked me to meet her at work today, but I couldn't make it. If she sees me I will try to keep it light...and then slowly work into deep. I think this formula may work for others too...

 

What do you think?

[coooolsome]

Jenny & Nat

 

I have been doing exactly what you guys have gone through. I did the whining, begging, pushing her away. Once I regained control of my emotions did I contact my ex again. She was surprised b/c she thought I was going to ask more questions about "us". 3.5 weeks later I talked to her again and kept it light. She thought I was going to ask when we were going to get back together. I have called her 2 more times since then and all light conversations with an hour long convo today. It felt great to talk to her. I hope my situation follows your two's.

[DN]

When my girlfriend left me to go back to her own country I didn't beg and plead with her to stay. I let her know I was upset and hurt but that was it. I wrote letters, about one a week, some of them love letters, some of them just updates on my life.

 

After a few months I wrote a letter telling her how I felt about her. Not bitter, not asking her to come back, a simple letter telling her that I loved her. I got a non-committal sort of response.

 

I waited two or three weeks before writing again. It was one of the chatty, keeping up to date letters. But instead of signing 'all my love' I signed it 'kindest regards'.

 

I never got a reply to that letter - but two weeks later I got a phone call to say she was back in England and wanted to see me.

 

She's not my girlfriend now, she's my wife.

[Echo]

DN..that approach worked for you....and that is fantastic. My question

is do you think an initial period of NC is good in some cases...and then doing intermittent contact? MY fear has always been that if I DON'T contact the person, then they will forget me, or move on faster....which is why it's been tough for me to maintain it. However everyone else is saying NC brings them closer. I am just now at the point where I am comfortable doing NC for extended periods of time, without slipping.

Do you think doing NC for say..2- 3 months is ok...and then re establishing intermittent contact? I feel strong enough (finally) to follow the advice given. Thanks

[DN]

The problem is that it so much depends on the individual circumstance. My wife was missing her own country and then decided she missed me more. Actually, she got both in the end because we moved here!!

 

Remember the primary purpose of no contact is to allow you to get over the relationship. If you have been dumped by someone who seemed very clear that it was over, then I think you should let them go unless and until they change their mind and come back to you.