Please friends, I need your help!!! It's Danimal....

[PlayBrat]

I must say this for you Dan...for whatever reason, your posts ALWAYS generate a LOT of responses, so you must have SOME appeal

[tman]

Dan dude I am sorry to say but I am gonna have to dish out something you gave me when I started behaving a little crazy. A verbal bum kicking. Big time!!

 

I was reading this while at work and could not believe what I was reading from the same dude that had given me advice that seemed so positive and helpful. You have gone against everything you have said in the past, virtually hypocritical and also not shown any of the growing or development you said you had done. I have waited all day to post this and deliberately did not read anyone elses posts till I wrote this so sorry if I repeat stuff, just I really want to get it all out in my unadulterated view.

 

 

 

How long have you known the girl and you get yourself this worked up? What were you like after your long term relationships? You need to chill out and give her and yourself space.

 

 

 

That was low dude. It should be the other way round

 

"I have a son and I let you still be here. "

 

Leave her be for the time being. She likes you. VERY OBVIOUS. If the girl has her head screwed on it does not matter how many guys she has interested in her, what speaks volumes is that she let you in. You are forgetting she has a child and that child comes before you everytime dude and if she is a decent person she will not just let any man into her life as she has to look after the childs well being too. You showed the decency when you first offered to help her on the bus and that's what scored you points from my perspective and got her interested in you.

 

 

Of course she is gonna get defensive and say what she did. You were out of order and up your self I am sorry to say. This girl is good and got you where it hurts.

 

The coke thing. You have every right to stand up for yourself and is one area in life (drug issues) that I think should be discussed early on relationships and boundaries/limits set. She can not be angry at your stance, or you choosing to be with her or not because of it. But what you do not have the right to do and which you did is judge her before she actually performed the action. For her to once do coke in the past and to not do it any more speaks volumes. Especially as (this may seem stupidly obvious but is still a valid point) she realized she had to stop because of her child plus was 3 yrs ago. Yes u should worry because she did say that she may do it in the future, but this could be more her fear of going back on it, If you know what I mean.

 

 

 

Discuss this drug difference in opinion you have in this manner. Don't belittle her or be self righteous, be understanding, firm in your convictions but a little open to an extent. Let her know the boundaries and leave it to her to break them. Then no body can say you have been out of order.

If anything this is one area where if tackled properly you could help her out. I am not saying you could change her, but your strong stance and a mature look on the subject could help her to grow in this area of her life where she obviously has not. I dunno it depends how into her you are, and from the connection on all levels that you said you made with her I think you are.

 

Right I don't want to end up writing a novel here, so I'll come to my concluding bit of advice. You two have from what you have said already clicked. She aint gonna forget you over the weekend so give her and yourself that time for space. You said you have apologized. That's enough. Get your dignity back. You have told her you really liked her and so GIVEN HER THE CONTROL. Now take it back. Be the man if you have to walk away, then you have to walk away. Just remember this is no normal girlfriend boyfriend situation. Remember the kid. She has to. Where do you think the child was when you were knocking and ringing and sure it is gonna sense if there's something up with its mother.

Sorry to give you a bashing dude, I am on your side that's why I am being straight. I don't want to see u mess up.

8)

[danimal77]

T-Man, I needed that man. Thanks for extending the effort you just have. Your thoughts were well thought out and concise and made tons of sense...Thanks man...

 

I am truly overwhelmed by all of these responses to my original post from only a few hours ago. It's incredible actually...

 

Okay, so yeah, I do consider that her son is HER priority. He's a cute kid and she sees him and only him. I was someone she became interested in and is now not sure....She said she is still willing to hang out and do stuff, but as friends. Yes, I've heard this from my ex, but this woman is different. She is kinder and not an angry women who is full of trickery. She is sincere and down to earth and is very responsible. Traits that I admire quite a bit.

 

I would like to re-earn her respect and trust. She already thinks I am brilliant, intellectually speaking and she thinks I am funny and interesting to a large extent, and until yesterday, obviously found me attractive enough to make the moves on me....I think everything but the latter still holds true. Now my question is this: If she still finds me attractive, will she hold out forever, if we are in a very close and comfortable setting and if the connection is still there, or if she made up her mind, then that's what it will remain to be: MADE UP?

 

Danimal

[brando]

dAN,

 

I think you need to step back and ask yourself what just happened. The obessive calling and goint ot her place was not necessary. You felt that pain again after the talk about her doing coke and she told you you two should just be friends... i think it opened those old wounds from the ex.

 

I agree with the others, obviously she is attracted to you, she was just blown away from this other part of you so early in the relationship.

 

I think you know what you need to do,, back off a little just to get yourself together... dont worry about her. She is going to do what she is going to do....you have no control over that.

 

Relax get your stufff together, thoughts, emotions, calm yourself down.

 

She isnt the last woman on the planet, so stop acting as if she is.

 

Hang in their, and try to be aware of yourself when you two talk again..

[danimal77]

Thanks Brando.

 

As I told a friend just now, I slipped big time. I am not proud of my actions. She seemed to recognize how messed up they were, but seemed to be A LOT more understanding than my ex was. She let me in and talked to me for over an hour and was really nice. Yes, it may have been pity, but she saw a man who was desperately trying to control himself and rid himself of these demons.. She mentioned how she saw me projecting my past onto her and it scared her. She went from calling me 4 times the prvious day to ignoring my calls.

 

I was a wimp, but I don't think I am a wimp. I don't know what drove me to do what I did. I do know that I got myself into the situation, but what I don't realize that the way to get myself out of it, is to do the opposite of what I did. Surprisingly, she is still "supposedly" willing to hang out on Thursday night??? I can't comprehend it, but she is. As friends and only friends, which is completely understandable, based on my scary actions, but what's sad, but what makes me mad, is that my actions didn't scare her, but bothered her more because she felt bad for what I was doing to myself. She recognizes this is me and that's what makes her even more special in my books...

 

Well, not sure if I should even get together for some beer on Thursday. I want to.

 

Danimal

[tman]

You are in a favourable position Dan . Your only problem is that she now needs to know who you are. She needs to know you DAN. She is the one in the difficult position She likes you, she cant go from being all over you to nothing within a week. But what she can do and did within this week is get to know your personality. If she is a decent person she will not judge you on this one problem. That is unless she has been hurt in the past , then you will have no chance or a very hard uphill struggle. You probably did scare her off or showed a side of yourself that she does not like. Show her that this was not you or actually it is you but you acknowledge it, and realize you made a mistake and work on it visibly, then this will become something in the past.

 

Luckily You know you Dan. DAN knows DAN. I know DAN. Enotalone knows DAN, cos u have told us. Be smart, know what you have been working on. Now is the time to prove it has been fixed. You know what you are looking out for. For example and I hate bringing this up on u dude, when you were ringing her consistently, did you not get flash backs of the times of the bad times with your ex. I don't know, but I personally hope that when I have finally moved on I will use my past relationships as something to learn from, a precedent from which I can benefit and behave in a more dignified/refined/mature manner. I cant and wont preach, but I was hoping that that is how it works, cos if it does not then I am gonna go back to begging my ex for another chance.

[brando]

All in all Dan we are all human, and we will make mistakes. Even after a lesson we learned, we still may have to learn that lesson again, maybe its humility we are being taught, i dont know.

 

I hope all goes well with this one.

 

Be well,

Brando

[lady00]

Ready for some brutal honesty...again????

 

Your problem (and yes it is a problem)is that you are an extremely impatient, stubborn, egotistical, hypocritical and obsessive person.

 

There's brutal honesty. And then there's just plain brutal. That said, Benevolent makes some good points. You should try to relax about this whole situation. Try not to invest so much so quickly. Not all initial attractions lead to relationships and you need to be more careful of that in the future. If she just wants to be friends and that's not what you want, then don't wait around hoping she'll change. Take some time to heal from any pain your ex may have caused you and also to forgive her and fully let go of the past. Then, date people casually and don't get so wrapped up so quickly. That way, if something turns you off or someone else is turned off by something you do soon after meeting them, it'll be no sweat, you'll just relax and move on because you would not have invested much into the relationship by that point.

 

So, if you want to, grab a beer with her on Thursday but don't hope/expect more than friendship. Worst case scenario, you leave your interactions with her behind on a good note.

[shockeddismayed]

Danimal,

 

By now you can see the common thread in everyone's advice here. Whether it is delivered as a butt-kicking, or a little more gently, the common thread is that you need to back off and get ahold of yourself.

 

When I read your post, I had an image of a mountain climber... climbing up this HUGE mountain. He can see the top, and has started *imagining* what it will be like to be there. He imagines the smell of the air, the view, the excitement of the accomplishment.

 

Then he starts to get just a wisp of the fresh mountain air. He get's so excited that he begins to take larger steps, literally bounding from foot-hold to foot-hold. Until his foothold breaks from the pressure. And he slides down the shale of the mountain, bloodying his nose in the process. He comes to rest, about 30 feet from where he was, but thankfully, still 200 feet up from where he first started. So he dusts himself off and goes to a web-forum to tell the tale of his adventure.

 

So... seriously. My advice can be summarized like this... You need to stop taking this journey for granted. You need to start treating your recovery like a mountain climb. Every step slow... calculated, tested... solid ground with every step.

 

Take this as a sign that your gear is not going to always be foolproof. You need to ACCEPT that this is going to take a long time... ACCEPT that this is going to take repeated effort... ACCEPT that real change will take TIME... ACCEPT that there are aspects of your personality that need improvement (we ALL have them... even Benevolent ACCEPT that you are human and you are going to make mistakes... you will slide down this mountain AGAIN. I GUARANTEE IT. But keep pushing... and the more you work at this, the more you TAKE IT SLOW, the better you will get... and the slides will be less damaging.

 

Recognize your weakness.

 

Then cut yourself some slack (which is different than making an excuse... the EX is an excuse... realizing you are sometimes too *reactive* and then accepting that you are allowed to have a fault is cutting yourself some slack).

 

So... now for what you really wanted to hear.

 

This girl is interested....

 

You've probably blown your short term chances....

 

You haven't blown your long term chances....

 

BACK OFF AND DON'T OBSESS on this.....

 

Postpone the meeting.... but go eventually and have a good time... no more apologies unless she brings it up. If she does, be CALM and COLLECTED... agree that you over-reacted based on your personal experiences and LET IT GO.

 

Expect that you might need (random number... say 10) such meetings before she let's you back in.

 

Accept that you will need those 10 meetings spaced over months, because that is how long it is going to take to continue building yourself.

 

Take other dates in the meantime... you aren't tied down... and you'll need the practice to remind yourself how to maintain appropriate boundaries between your emotions and other's ability to elicit them.

 

Also... consider that maybe you just aren't compatible.... drugs is a big issue. It's ok that it keeps you from each other... there will be others.

 

S&D

[danimal77]

Hmmmmmm, I don't recall posting anything on this particular topic???? Not sure where that quote came from? It sure was his writing. As usual, it was very offensive, belittling and just plain mean. If there was any honesty there, it was not meant to give me a kick in the butt. It was meant to just kick me down, because it seems as if he doesn't want me to succeed and doesn't believe I can. If I achieve success, he writes it off as purely a mistake on my behalf. I have learned to block out his negativity..

 

To all others who have contributed in the last 12 hours, thank you all!!!

 

I am kind of torn between keeping Thursday open, or postponing it until say Saturday, or later still...Furthermore, what if I have a hard time reaching her again??? How do I know if she is ignoring me, or is merely out??? I do see that she has taken a few step backs from being interested and calling to check in on me, asking me to join her and her brother and asking me to call her back and wanting to see me and complimenting me, to nothing at all right now...

 

Well, regardless, do you guys think I should call her on Thursday, or wait to see if she calls me and if she picks her up, do I ask her if we are still on, or ask her what time is good for her?

 

Thanks,

 

Danimal

[danimal77]

I was referring to Benevolent in my previous post (first paragraph)..

[saltwatergirl]

You are still obsessing and this is not good. You WON'T know if she is ignoring, if she is busy, blah blah, you WONT know any of that okay, because there is no magic answers here for how to read the mind of another person or discect every little nuiance in their actions (or lack thereof). People are not toys with parts and instructions and cheat codes.

 

As a girl, it would drive me insane to think that you were trying that hard to read me or study me, or plan your every interaction with me. Very annoying.

 

Why cant you just pick up the phone & call and ask if you are still on, like you would in ANY OTHER SITUATION with ANY OTHER PERSON that you have plans with? Just call, all she can do is say yes or no, and there you'll have it. Why waste so much of your thoughts and energy trying to plan and calculate every move and then the other moments trying to analyze responses? Just let it be what it is. Call, ask, get an answer, respond accordingly. You dont need a script, you dont need a method, you dont need a plan A, B, C, D, E.......

 

As far as your episode the other day, what is done is done. You reacted and it sent a message to her, which was your intention....so what if she decides she is no longer interested....that's the whole point of "getting to know someone".

 

You cant change your entire personality to suit the woman of the moment, Dan. One day a girl will come along that really digs you, outbursts and all.

 

Salt

[benevolent]

Look Danimal, if I came off as being brutal then let me apologize. I think we all want to see everyone on here succeed (and yes that means you too), if not in their relationships, but in themselves overall. You say that I don't want you to succeed and am just negative overall. I say to the contrary. However, the lack of success on your part is (I think) a lack of consistency on your end to make the right decisions that allow you to heal properly.

 

What came off as brutal was nothing more than a collective expression of a common sentiment that other members have already said in this and previous posts. I've already seen the words hypocritical, impatient and obsessive used to describe you in this thread and more adjectives used in others.

 

Look, the bottom line (as I stated in my last removed post) was that I think you have convinced yourself of being this person that has changed so dramatically in such a short amount of time. I think everyone would agree that for someone to be involved in such an emotionally abusive relationship cannot just decide one day that they are emotionally free and stable to engage in another relationship with all cylinders firing cleanly.

 

As many have stated, you have an impatience that I think is really hurting your overall healing and success. To come on one day and say that you are a changed man, have excess confidence and just a new person sounds great, but more than likely is not a reality. Again, look at the state you are in. It's a good start, but the real success is making this change a consistent part of your life. Secondly, others and I have said that you are too obsessive, particularly in this latest saga. You consider yourself a logical person, right? Step back for a minute, look at the relationship and how long it has been. 5 dates really shouldn't warrant the reactions poured out in your first post.

 

Many people need to see the truth for what it really is and one can only be supportive for so long. I have dealt with, dated and supported people that have exhibited many of the character traits that you express. I think I'm even guilty of a few myself. The key thing is that this change has be a consistent part of your life and like S&D and even myself have said over and over - it takes a LOT OF TIME.

 

You or anyone else can PM me if you'd like and feel free to be as expressive and expletive as you want. I think we are all adults here and can handle the art of debate and spirited discussion.

[danimal77]

Benevolent,

 

Thanks for clarifying. You see, you have now taken the time to talk to me with respect and for this, I will acknowledge you and thank you....

 

You make very valid points. I am far from healed and Monday/Tuesdays events proved that to me, to this girl and to all of you who read up on my incident.

 

One thing I am though, or at least I believe so, is for the most part, over my ex. I am allowing myself to move on from her. Her memory still lingers, long after I have attempted to extrapolate her from my blood.

 

When I posted on here only a few days ago and also, for the last the 3 months, what I had written, as hypocritcal as it may seem now, after having been exposed to what I did, or allowed myself to do only a short couple of days ago, is NOT in my opinion a reflection of where I am at. It is a reflection of where I have come from and what I am STILL in the process of getting rid of, while possessing the knowledge of faults.

 

I am on the road to recovery and up until 2 days ago, I was much more at peace and much more confident than I've truthfully been in years. Benevolent, it is this ever groing confidence and letting go of the past that allowed me to pursue this girl and the many others, these last few months. My heart is quite obviously open, because I have closed the door to my ex and am willing and capable of loving again and yes, I want to love again.

 

5 dates is surely not many, that is true, but you are intelligent Benevolent and this I know to be true. With that said, it's difficult to qualitatively measure ones connection with someone else, in comparsion to the amount of time they have spent with them. Something WAS established within just a short few days, unfortunately, she did NOT know the Pandora's Box she was opening up in me. I fought that urge to lose all control and reduce myself to just a shameful man in both her eyes and in my own. She saw the projection. She wasn't frighetened for herself. She was frightened for me, as was I.

 

I came on here yesterday to seek salvage, as we all do. True, lately I have been on here to offer advice, because contrary to what you might think Benevolent, my ADVICE has helped dozens if not hundreds of people in these last 2 years or so... My advice has changed NO, it has not changed overnight my friend. It has been gradually shifting, as I have been gradually learning, through trial and error....I AM learning...

 

I do like this girl very much. She seems exceptionally special and I know she FELT the same way and it would truly be a shame if she no longer CAN see me in the way, all because my tainted past. She is open enough to understand why I did what I did, but she may not have the ability to WANT to accept it. Many people want to final product and not the while it's still in the process of being produced.

 

Some people call me overly-dramatic and they may be right, but I consider myself to be very passionate and and intense and I am a leader. When I believe in myself I can accomplish many things and can guide poeple in the right direction. I inject HOPE and LIFE and INSPIRATION and DIRECTION into those who may not have enough resources, or fuel to get them there.

 

If you have any advice for me Benevolent, in regards to this particular situation with this girl, it would be appreciated.

 

Thanks,

 

Danimal

[Beec]

Danimal,

 

I think you are looking at this all wrong in regards as to whether you are healed or not. It's not healed that you want to be. Healed from the hurt of your past mistakes is fine, but healed is not what happens to prevent you from mkaing future ones. You need to change your thinking, change how your emotions run you into doing things you know you should not do, when you look at it objectively. This is not easy. But you need to develop the strength to control your actions, inspite of your emotions. How to do this, well, I am not so sure. In some sense you may need work out, place yourself under stress and become stonger. At the same time, you cannot try to bench press ten tons or you will be crushed. Can you face her and have control? If not, who is going to spot you?

[danimal77]

Beec,

 

She weighs only as much as my mind believes she does. It is purely mind over matter in my opinion.

 

When I was an avid weightlifter up until 4 and a half years ago, I used to be beneath that barbell, which at the time weighed 315 pounds, feeling it in my grip, well, if my mind had ANY doubt that I could not bring it up, it was a sure thing that I WOULDN'T be able to. If I looked at all my past accomplishments in the gym and KNEW that I had gotten to this point, and was successful at this weight AT TIMES, and other times I was NOT, then I had to get myself into the right psyched up state, where I had full belief in my abilities and guess what? That weight would come off the rack, fall down to my chest in a somewhat controlled manner and it would be brought back up!!! When you doubt yourself, your fear kills you and so does your opponent, but ones most fierce opponent is oneself, and your self-debilitating barriers (one's own mind).

 

I am scared Beec. I am scared to face her to a large extent. She represents a continued battle within myself. My ex was the first step at awakening the giant within me. She tried to break me, by ripping my insides out. For the most part, she was successful, BUT, I am still here. I am still breathing. I am still ALIVE. I have met someone who is most definitely a challenge in many ways. I see it as a test of my own inner strengths and whether or not I have really tapped into them just yet. She has NOT come into my life to destroy me. I am the only one who can do that to myself.

 

If I back down from this, I will have to subject myself to 2 pounds dumbells, when I know fully well that I have the inner resources to be lifting 55 pounders in each hand. Why should I not be asking myself this question: CAN SHE HANDLE ME?

 

Danimal

[Beec]

When you go to the gym, you don't go and begin with benching 315, unless you are King Kong. You being lighter and work up. On Monday, the weight of her crushed you. I think you should build back up to it. It may not take long, but you need to build up.

[danimal77]

Beec,

 

That's what Victoria on Friday night is for. She's the MUCH lighter weight. I have been decompressing these last couple of days...Tomorrow is another day. It can be a very light night if I make it so, or help to contribute to it. Light is not what I established with her from Friday-Monday and NOT what she was drawn to. I believe she saw intelligence and inner strength that may not yet have been fully materialized. She has not fully given up on me, so why should I give on me just yet either?

 

I'll go in light on Thursday and Friday night is the new girl and that will soften things up even more, to prepare me for the heavier weight, that I know I can press. It's in me man. It's always been there. My ex saw it. This girl saw it. You saw it, as did everyone else on here. I even saw it.

 

Danimal

[fantasia2004]

Just breathe Danimal !

 

and take a few breaths over and over again.

 

It does not hurt to try that and recite positive mantras to your self.

 

Like,

 

Peace

Patience

Serenity

 

As for your microwave, no aluminum allowe to be cooked in them.

[danimal77]

Fantasia,

 

I'm already holding myself back. I was tempted to call her today and ask her how everything is going and find out if she found her lost keys and of course confirm tomorrow nights plans, but I haven't and won't.

 

I will call her tomorrow. I have to exhibit some much needed restraint and patience right now, if for anything to just redeem myself somewhat in her eyes. Luckily I had plans last night (went to see Stealth) and I am going out with an old buddy tonight and so, I am keeping myself distracted. Funny you speak of tranquility, seeing that she had given me a very relaxing massage on Saturday night and even told me that she would still give me more. Wonder how that's going to happen now, seeing she has a new stance?

 

Danimal

[danimal77]

Well, I fought the urge to call her just now to check up on her and the baby. There was just an intense Thunder and Lightning storm on our street. I did the right thing, right?

 

I am busy, right? Besides, I am going out in an hour with a buddy.

 

I'll call her tomorrow.

 

Danimal

[donteddy]

Hi friend been trying to follow you situation. I know whats its like trying not to call. I am sitting here aswell fighting that urge to call my ex. Trying to stay strong.

 

Hope things work out mate!

[danimal77]

Hey Don,

 

Nice to hear from you, but this isn't my ex. I cut out all contact with my ex over 3 months ago. This is a new girl I met a week and a half ago. Read up some more friend .

 

Thanks for the support though!

 

Danimal

[donteddy]

Ah i see now, my ex did some drugs and I had a problem with this. She had been through alot and drinking and doing drugs was not the way too go. She just saw this as being a bit of harmless fun. But all the stuff she has been through she didnt see this. I think what you said was right to this new girl but i think you are still hurting from you ex (please forgive me but i havent read that but will do). I find it hard as well and not sure about my next move about moving on from ex. We seem to go round in circles. She split from me and has lots of issues. Still finding it hard not being with out her but know I need to try and move on. At the end of the day you know there are people out there who you have never met and may never met (them being us) but I know and still feeling whats its like but getting it out here is helping and if you need a chat let me know. I know that helps me.

 

All the best!

[loveydovey]

So Danimal, how are you doing right now? Have you urges to call her decreased somewhat? Because from your first post and up to your last post, you seem to have cooled down a bit. Is anything that anyone's said really helping you? Good luck, huh!