You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[curlygirl47]

Well, tonight I've got the blues pretty bad. I went out for a little while but it didn't help, so I thought I'd come back to my office and check in with you guys. (I don't have the internet at home right now).

 

Here's something from The Art and Practice of Loving that I just read:

 

"You cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair." Chinese proverb

 

"Crises are so dramatic and your internal voices are so compelling that you forget you can get offstage and witness what is happening from a seat in the audience. The moment you notice you are in a crisis, try to get out of the drama and into the role of witness. Watch the actors, including yourself, and listen to their internal voices."

 

"Crises are the worst times for making decisions or taking important actions. When you are hurt, frightened, angry, depressed, and bombarded with unloving voices, do not act on them --- let them be. Act later, when you are peaceful enough to be in touch with a full range of values and considerations. When action cannot wait, do nothing drastic. Take minimal actions that get you through to a time when you are poised again, able to think, feel, and choose clearly."

 

(This next part seems to contradict the above a little, but ...)

 

"Crises are fed by emotionally loaded memories of the past and projections into the future. So stop interpreting and stop projecting. Focus on what you are seeing, hearing, feeling right now. Whatever the crisis, there is something, the next step, waiting to be done. Chop wood, run around the block, love somebody."

[Lucky_721]

ok well a small update on my situation for you guys. ok well she called me friday night and i answerd and we talked for about 20 minutes. then she called again on saturday night....and i answerd and we talked for like 3 minutes. then on sunday she text messages me and tells me she is really sick with the flu and her left lung is infected and she has been coughing up blood. i find out from my mom that she called my mom on monday and talked to her. she was just looking for someone to talk to i assume. well then tonight she sends me a text message that is about something we did over last summer. so she is obviously thinking about me. i didnt reply to it. then she calls me at 10 and i dont answer. i let my voice mail go. she leaves a message that says basically, ""hey its me...i was just calling to talk to you.....cause i miss you.....i probably wont be going to school tomorrow so you can call me anytime" i am not going to call her. i am keeping strong. i only feel like * * * * after she calls me because i end up getting my hopes up. i am trying to be strong but its killing me inside. i even took down all the pictures of her so i dont think about her so much. i still think about her alot though. today marks day 27 of "taking time apart" and really at this point i dont exactly know what to do. any ideas?

[kate111]

Lucky,

 

You are doing well. Put everything that reminds yu of her in a box and put it away somewhere you won't find it.

 

Then keep doing no contact. You want to give her enough time to miss you and to get scared she has lost you.

[SuperDave71]

Lucky 721,

 

 

 

 

I admire your strength..

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[Ice_9]

Hello Everyone.....

If someone wants space, give it to them.....and I mean completely. No calls, no letters, no ANYTHING....YOU DO NOT EXSIST....period!

YOU CANNOT CHANGE WHAT WILL HAPPEN...BUT....you can however INCREASE your odds by NOT DOING THE THINGS THAT PUSH EX lover's away.

 

SuperDave71

 

 

Excellent. I have been there. I still am.

Funny really as I spent 30 mins driving to her house.........then past.........then back again. Wondering whether to give her space - she wants some, it may make her miss me instead of crowding her, show her I'm not a doormat, punish her for not calling etc or whether I call in - and let her know how pi**ed off I am with her treatment and that I won't take it.

 

In the end, I saw her lights go out a sshe went to bed and I missed the chance.

 

Looks like it was right judging by this post.

 

Thing is, what do I do? My situation is a bit different. I made a post - "overcoming barriers thru fear" in this forum.

 

We were on the verge of split up. She was mentally prepared. But then we started dating. It's all documented in the post. Week 1 of dating was amazing. So much progress. Sparkle back in her eyes, touching, kissing etc. Week 2 started great - excited calls and texts, mid week date - but then by Sat (21st Jan) she went distant.

 

She didn't grab my hand or lean in (like she did on other dates) but once in a while, I'd get some glimpses of intimate touching from her. It was as though she was supressing her body language but it came out once in a while depsite her efforts.

 

Saw her Tues night but not heard from her since. Dunno where the Hell we are. Has she got cold feet - scared of being hurt?

 

I daren't ask as I don't want to crowd her!

 

Now she said on Sat, she is out with her friend. I am working Fri night so can't see her and I am away on a course the weekend after. This is the 2nd Sat night with her friend in 3 weeks! She never would have gone out with friend on a Sat when we were fine - let alone 2 outta 3!

 

I am angry at this. Is it dispresect? Does she not want me? Is she tring to test me? Is she after space?

 

If I give in - am I being a doormat (thus lose her respect)?

If I confront her - am I being a jerk and getting all needy on her?

 

 

Lord knows what you make of this but I do agree with all you've said.

 

So what do I do?

As said, as we agreed to give it a go, I am confused why the back tracking. I want to talk to her to make sure she doesnt' let fear get to her but then I am annoyed as she hasn't been "making the effort" like she agreed we should.

 

Part of me wants to give her space but then I am angry that she could treat me with such disrespect.

 

 

PS: I am also worried as the longer I leave it, the more removed I get. Chances are, I could fall out of love and move on. I don't want it to happen but to protect myself, my mind may just say enough's enough.

[kate111]

Ice9,

 

Would you be so kind as to post your full story here?

[curlygirl47]

Ice9,

 

Here's something from Beyond Blame that I've been thinking about today; it might apply to you as well:

 

"The truth of the matter is that you desperately want to be accepted and valued by others. Losing the support of people you are closest to would leave you floating through life completely on your own, with nobody you could count on but yourself. This might satisfy your need for control, but it would foster feelings of alienation and isolation. Some of you most intense emotional reactions and deepest fears are thereforeeee lodged in your strong desire to be accepted by others. You will sometimes compromise your most sacred beliefs, back down from a dispute, or initiate a conflict with someone, all in the name of maintaining your stature in other people's eyes as well as your own self-image."

 

Kate,

 

I'm feeling better today. I feel less shaky and weighed down by negative thoughts. I'm working better today and giving my attention to other things more easily. Thank goodness for a good day!

[time2moveon]

Thats EXACTLY what I needed. Every word you used, every letter, is JUST how I feel and how I should deal with it...your awnser is JUST JUST JUSTTTTT what I needed...thank you!

[Hunny1607307342]

What if you get given the "it's not you, its me" speech, and claim you would work better as 'just friends' (which breaks your heart)...and yet you still have to unavoidably see them every single week day? This guy who goes to my college had a thing with me for a few months, and just when it seemed he was about to call it official, he called it off. I want him to change his mind!!! What do I do? Plus he's a very touchy feely person, so I can't be rude and shake off his hugs can I?

[Ice_9]

Hi Kate111,

 

It's all in "Overcoming Emotional Shutdown Thru Fear" in the Relationships forum.

 

Thx

[Alperionce]

Hey guys and gals

 

Quick question. Has there ever been a breakup, and then successfully gotten back together using NC, and with out rebounding to someone else?

 

 

My gf broke up with me two days after my birthday, she said that she forced herself to fall out of love for me because she couldn't give as much as I gave to her, making her feel guilty. She said she needed space, and "me time". She felt as if she couldn't handle the relationship with work, school, and her family life.

 

Since I worked with her, it was difficult to give her NC, so I gave her Partial No Contact which meant that it went one way, meaning she had to come to me. It allowed me to heal, and at the same time be a limited friend.

 

She felt that she wasnt good enough for me. She said that she doesnt feel good, and that if she pushed her self she would brake. I will say that she has so much. Its just I was hurt because i would have reduced the expectancy of the relationship if she just had asked.When she called us off, I asked her if she was sure. I told her, you do know that if I find someone else, that you might regret, or vice versa. I told her that I didn't want her to regret, cause it would make me feel bad that she made a mistake.

 

She said that she would probably regret it, but it was something she had to do.

 

 

It has probably been 5 days of NC because I went on to college leaving her behind. She gave me emails saying that she missed me, and asked me to dinner. I declinded because I didn't feel like it would help our relationship getting back together because I was still hurt, and would probably start an argument of sorts. So I told her that I made plans already.

 

The question is, how do I really know that she really is genuine about me, and just simply couldn't do it at this time? Or the other possiblity that she is just using me subconsciously as a comfort toy?

 

I actually went to the bars, she found out that I was dancing with another girl. She found and asked who the girl was. She said that she felt like a fool, and was hurt if I moved on too fast.

 

She tells me sometimes she just doesn't know whats going on with her.

 

I feel for her, so we left the relationship on a sad note, not angry, but just sad. We argued, but never name called. We were always civil with eachother.

 

I'm still sticking with no contact, she did push me away. So I feel if she would evenr be ready, then she would let me know. And if not, then I will be healed.

 

Ya know?

[Big Jim]

Alpericone

If you read some of my other threads , under the IS THERE A CHANCE? started by texas man, you will quickly realize that your girlfriend was cheating on you and must have been the girl i was dating. lol. No seriously, everything you have said i have said, i too could not do NC, because i see her 5 out of 7 days in class, i am a limited friend. She tells me repeatedly she thinks im too good for her, she needs space, her life is a mess (it is).

I too am hurt, because, i know exactly how you feel, about reducing expectations of the relationship.

The girl i was dating gets hurt if there is any mention of another girl etc, it is just one mixed message after another. She acts like we are still together, gets mad if i imply we arent, but when push comes to shove we are broken up.

In my case, i honestly feel she is depressed and just mixed up about life in general. Im still talking to her, but not holding my breath. It sounds like your girl may legitimately be too stressed right now for a relationship however, i would believe she really misses you.

My experince with girls, is sometimes when they get over whelmed by life, and are stressed, they get rid of the easy things before looking at themselves. My girl, quit her job, changed a lot of stuff in school, then broke up with me, only now she is realizing that she is still unhappy, and perhaps none of those things were the problem. It is easier to blame something else, then yourself. If you really love this girl, i would do limited contact, assume that it is over, but stay in touch. Be there for her in her rough spot. I know a lot of people disagree, but even if someone is "using" someone, down the road they will realize, " * * * *, he was always there for me and i was horrible to him". Not saying be her doormat, but be there limitedly. Now that may be 100x harder then no contact, but at least you will never say "should have, would have, could have"

[hbgirl]

My boyfriend of 3 years just broke up with me on Saturday. For the past 6 months we have been doing long distance but saw each other every weekend (his idea). We talked about marriage, spending the rest of our lives together, and had promise rings. He said we would get engaged after grad school (in about another 2 years). We really loved each other and were best friends. We lived together too for 2 summers. During the months when we did long distance, it was really hard. I became depressed, decided I didn't like my grad program, and wanted to transfer to where my boyfriend was and switch careers. We were planning on living together if I got into his school. We fought more than usual the last few months...I think bc of the stress from long distance, my depression, my dependence on him when I was unhappy, my career indecision, and how I was picking stupid fights about things I didn't even care about.

 

He came to visit me when he broke up with me, but didn't do it the first night. Instead he waited till the next day, after sleeping in my bed with me, snuggling, and letting me think that everything was fine. He said that he no longer could see himself marrying me because we fight too much and he thinks the fighting is from our irreconciable personality diffs. I said we could work things out but he said that he didn't think we could. He said that he doesn't know who he is anymore and needs to be alone to find himself. He also said that he loves me, that he'll love me forever, that I am the most beautiful girl he's ever met, and that I am his best friend and he can't live without me so he wants to be friends. I can't just be friends with him...I planned on spending the rest of my life with him. This came so suddenly, he never let me know that he was unhappy. I feel like we can really work things out...I think our fighting was more situational than anything and if I knew that the fighting bothered him so much, I would have tried harder to not fight and to monitor my emotions so that they wouldn't get out of control. Since our breakup I have been doing a lot of thinking and wrote out a list of our differences and ways I think we can work it out...at least how I want to improve myself on these issues that led to our fights. Also, he tends to get depressed in the winter time too and has made some decisions in the winter time that he eventually came to regret (i.e. we went on a break 2 years ago because he needed to do some 'soulsearching'...it lasted a day and a half and he came back to me) so I am wondering if maybe his head is clouded by his unhappiness with himself.

 

We haven't talked since he broke up with me (btw he drove down ALL of my stuff that was left at his place...so hurtful). I want to call him so badly but all my friends say to wait till he calls. He said he didn't think we should talk for a few days but then we could work on being friends. Should I try to talk with him about my perceptions of what went wrong in our relationship? I don't want to get back together now, but I want us to work on our own issues and learn to be happy as independent people, have our space and time, and then maybe go on a second first date in a few months. As he left this past Saturday, he kept kissing me and telling me that he loves me, but he also said that I need to assume we're not getting back together. I am confused about this whole situation and would appreciate any advice that people may have....what will optimize my chances of getting back together with him???? PLEASE HELP....I am heartbroken!!!

[vesper]

what do you do when you just want an explanation of an event and you live 4000 miles away and your ex will not return calls, texts, emails, nothing. (sign) hmmmm

[dishrag]

I'm glad I found this forum. I've invoked NC and the X keeps calling me to check up on me to see if I'm OK. Letting 75% of the calls go unanswered. She walked when I wanted to work things out. Over time, she will either be OK not having me in her life or not OK. If she wants me back, I need her to get help first. Anyone ever give that ultimatum?

[Big Jim]

Im thinking about giving that ultimatium right now. If you read my situation under the IS THERE A CHANCE thread by texasman, you will see what i mean. Im getting really frustrated of being there for her no questions asked, but as soon as i cheer her up, her forgeting that she is not well with herlself and needs to see a doctor

[Sparky21]

dear hpgirl,

 

i'm sorry to hear about ur ex.

 

I was also in a very similar situation.

 

I got into a relationship with a guy at uni just before we went home on summer vacation. It was a long distance relationship like yours and it put a lot of strain on us

 

We also talked about marriage and all that comes with that, you know being together forever blah blah, and it felt so right. however i got quite needy and argued a lot with him, as with you i felt that it was more due to the circumstances than if we were right together. sometimes long distance is so hard, and i dont think it makes a difference if your strong or not.

 

He came back from summer and broke up with me 6 days later in pretty horrible circumstances. i really hated him for that and had NC with him for 2 weeks after he returned my stuff.

 

He was the one who got back intouch, crying on the fone etc when he was drunk. he then said he couldnt remember ringing me the next time i saw him that made me mad, he was lying you know.

 

So i just left it and only spoke to him when he got intouch and never bad mouthed him or complained, i just though "wats the point" it made me a stronger person you know.

 

We started hanging out a lot more just before christmas like we were a couple again and every1 commented on how it was stupid that we split up in the first place. i just came to the conc. that i was glad how it happened, wat did i have to regret? i know it was the situation not me that broke us up.

 

Then just before christmas he asked my to be his gf again. we talked a lot and we both realised we needed to change, we r still together now and hopefully it will work out if not then im glad i tried again. i am not into protecting myself completely wats the point in that, he might be it for me? i dunno but i'd rather be hurt again than regret it.

 

I suppose my point is that it wasn't your fault, i also think u are stronger than your ex. you will willing to make it work even though the situation was crap for both of u. you should feel better bcoz of that. take it and learn from it.....dont not do it again though! you never know what might happen!!

 

xx

[hbgirl]

Thanks so much for sharing your story Sparky21. I am glad that you and your ex were able to work things out. I just don't know what to do with my situation. We are 350 miles apart, so it's not like hanging out with him as friends is going to be easy, and we are not from the same hometown. I was going to transfer to his school for the next Fall. I won't know if I got in till March. I don't think I like my current program, and the program at his school looks great and would give me the opportunity to earn a gradaute degree at an Ivy League School. I am just not sure if I could go back there to the place where we built so many memories together if we are no longer a couple. I think it would also be hard to see him there...what if he gets a new girlfriend? I don't think I could handle that.

 

I just don't understand why he thinks this is necessary. He would say the sweetest things to me, even up till the very night before we broke up. I planned on spending the rest of my life with him, and I am not ready to let go of those dreams and plans. I just want to be back together...not now, but in the future. I hope it can happen, just like it happened for you Sparky.

 

Again, thanks for the advice.

Hbgirl

[Sparky21]

Hey,

 

I think right now you should do what is best for you. if you wanna move and change courses you should give you get the opportunity, you will meet so many new people and it would be like a completely new chapter in your life.

 

If you guys do not work out and he gets with someone else you know then that he isnt worth it and u arent right for each other at this moment in time.

 

i don't believe that you should write you 2 of completely, you obviously love him a lot so there is no point in giving up.

 

You should move on though, dont mope and get on wit your life. make sure you do what you want and do things that make you happy. it sounds like it might be best for you to change your course if it making you unhappy, travel could be an option for you?? there are so many things you could do.

 

i felt that when me and my bf broke up it was all so pointless 2, there is a reason for you feeling that way so i dont think you should give up.

 

Life can be hard sometime but i think that most important thing for you is to be happy and smile again

 

do you have people who r there for you? and who u can talk 2

 

xx

[hbgirl]

Sparky,

thank you so much for your kind words. You're right, I am very much so in love with him and am not ready to give up on him yet. But in the meantime, I will work on improving myself and become a happy and independent person. My friends and family are all being very supportive right now, so I think I will just take it day by day. Everything happens for a reason, and maybe I just can't see that right now. Keep your fingers crossed for me, I hope he calls soon!

 

Warm wishes to you all.

[SuperDave71]

You must remember...this is not only our decision....it is the ex's as well. What we need to decide is either wait and do nothing..or feel the person is worth it and then you create a plan. The most difficult part ...is waiting.

 

 

-SuperDave71

[drum4god]

Hey Dave,

 

Sort of new here. I love the advice, its seems very wise, and is very helpful. I just wanted to know what you think about a short term relationship. My girl broke up with me after 2 1/2 months. She said she didn't have the same feelings. I on the other hand was nuts about her. It seemed liked she was into me, but she lost interest when I moved too fast. Do you think I have enough of a history with her, that she would still miss me. For all I know I could have been a rebound, and she went to an ex that didn't talk to her. I really don't know. I don't plan to call her, but I do see her in church every Sunday. The good thing is I don't look sad. In fact I feel I look even better, because I have been working out hard (using the breakup as motivation to better my body). I even caught her peaking at me playing the drums (I am the church drummer). The only thing is I know all of her friends, and its very tempting to ask them how she is doing. I know NC is the way to go, but is there a enough of a history between us to make a difference. Most of the stories on her are with people who had deep, long relationships.

 

Thanks!

[shadylady1979]

what do you mean when you refer to "the plan"?

 

thanks much!

[SuperDave71]

Drum4God,

 

2 months is a short while in the scheme of things. People can miss one another even after a day. Early in a relationship, the first stage is called a honeymoon stage. This is where we all get aong and wat to see one another often, talk on the phone, and thoughts of your new "catch" are on yoru mind often. There is also an extra spring in yoru step and when you receive a call from the new suitor, you smile ear to ear ( sound familiar?)

 

My advice to you is play it cool. I know you like her alot ( this my be an understatement but bare with me) I would give her not only what she wants ( space ) I would play it so cool ( be nice ) that I wouldn't call, or make any attempt to contact her. If you see her, be YOURSELF. Be th guy she enjoys hanging out with. Why be upset or cry or talk about the relationship when the last thing you want her to think is that you are miserable. Sympathy cards DO NOT WORK. Be yourself my friend...let go for now..chances are if you play your cards right...she will rethink her decision.

 

 

Take care,

 

SuperDave71

[SuperDave71]

Shadylady1979,

 

 

 

Hey there. The "plan" refers to a mental, strategic plan of action to attempt to help YOU help yourself. Let me explain. When you don't have a plan (mental or written) you have to "wing" it. Examples ( driving directions, what to do about money issues, relationships, not knoing lyrics to your favorite song when someone asks you to sing in public...etc etc.) I refer to "the plan" as your insurance. You have a mental thought process on how you will handle and cope with the current and future relationships with or without your ex.

 

My "plan" was things I DID NOT WANT TO DO to attempt and get my ex back. Begging, pleading, e-mails, calls. etc never got me or anyon else anywhere. So my mental plan was to think of every possible scene in my head and how I could approach it without begging, pleading, crying...

 

For example:

 

I would think about my ex calling me and in conversation she could tell me how wonderful her new boyfriend as ( not in a cruel way but in a "he's great" way ).

 

 

My thought process:

 

If I say ANYTHING about "Who cares"...or you don't love him...or he is not me....or..he sounds like a jerk....( these can go on and on ) I will loose not only respect, but possibly push my ex so much that she can now justify that breaking up with me was not only the right thing, but why didn't she do it sooner.

 

What I did was metally turn it into a positive...I thought:

 

He sounds like a nice guy and I am glad you are happy. ( THis can be difficult to do but if you say a negative...YOU WILL ALWAYS GET NEGATIVE BACK. It's Karma.

 

 

**Important**

 

I am in no way shape or form making it ok for ANYONE to walk all over you and be hateful. I do not believe in someone rubbing somthing in your face to see you crumble. If this if happening...not only do I suggest NC...I suggest you stay away forever. Life is too short to be abused. Have respect for yourself. Stand up for yourself or be the better person and just leave. You are in charge of you. YOu have no control over other people BUT YOU CAN TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE AND SITUATIONS THAT CAN MAKE OR BREAK YOU.

 

Now get out there and create yoru own plan that works for you. Remember....plans do not have to b about geting your ex back.....THey can also be about getting YOU LIFE BACK...

 

 

 

--Your friend,

 

 

SuperDave71