You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[jeepman41]

When you are riding that roller coaster of emotions that come at the end of a breakup it is hard to listen to sane and logical reasoning. That's the point of doing NC so that you don't push the person further away. Whether him being in the picture mad matters worse, you'll never know. When a person breaks up with you especially if you are deeply emotionally involved it is hard to let go. But letting go is the very thing you need to do in order to start on the road to recovery.

[jeepman41]

@ PH 88. Checking on an ex's FaceBook page is still a form of communication. That is definitely a no-no if you are going to implement NC.

[PH88]

Well what do you want? To be with her or to move on?

 

Hi bw, I am completely using nc to move on, however I do still love her enough to the point that I could take her back if she offered the chance. But not in the near future. So I hopefully won't be hurt if she moves on as well.

[PH88]

It was the right move. How she perceives it is less important than you being able to move on. You are broken up. She should perceive it as just part of breaking up. We can only guess how she will perceive it. My hunch is she will perceive it as strength. Your willing to move on and demonstrating it. That's strength not weakness.

 

Thanks Sportster. You're right I completely did it for me and I just want to cut all forms of communication with her, completely. I'm just not over her yet. Im hoping she perceives it as strength and not arrogance/awkwardness due to me coping with my feelings. The only thing I am worried about is a beach party that a mutual friend is throwing at the end of the month. I had planned to go to a long time ago as did she so I know she WILL be there. I just don't know if I should go and be non-chalant about it or just not go at all. I have a lot of good friends(new and old) going and I don't want to sacrifice their friendship because my ex didnt want to be with me anymore. Do you think I should go or skip it for my healing process?

[Sportster2005]

I would definitely skip it. There will be other beach parties. Your priority is you and your healing. Get it behind you. It's way too soon to see her. Hope things work out bro.

[loseteach]

God, I wish I had find this thread one year ago...

It has been 13 months since my gf broke up with me. We had a 4 years relationship with many up and down periods. I love her more so much. Within 4 years, we were apart for about 3 years but we have managed to keep the relationship going. Then I made a biggest mistake of my life... that time she was in us and I'm in vn, I was drunk and slept with a prostitute. I felt guilty and confessed with her. Then she started trying to forget me...although she did not want to broke up at that time. Now I understand that she could not do that right away. then after a month, with just a small fight... she broke up with me. I though it just a normal fight and gave us sometimes alone...but then it turned out this time was serious. I was not ready for that. She has prepared for that for one month...and broke up with me through chatting ....as we were apart at that time

I am now deep in regret...I think I could do anything to get her back ...

Through this one year, I had try all possible way to forget her, stopped contacting her for about a month, hung out with other girls.. started learning to play guitar, hit the gym...even I have moved to singapore just to have a new life....and hoped that I could forget her..

But it turned out that no matter what I do...she is still there in my mind...then I started writing email to her again...it has been 3 months...i write email to her almost every week. she has never replied.

I wish I could come to us to talk with her, and beg her for a chance. I hate the fact that I will not be able to get a visa to us. so no chance for me to meet her again.

Now it's too late...I really do not know how to move on. I can't have feeling for other girls. My friends tell me to move on, find a girl, I can not stay single that long but... this broke up is killing my desire to live ...

Anyway, after reading all of your posts here, I think I will have to try not to contact her...there is no hope of getting her back...just to feel better.

[mrtapwell]

Thanks all, especially SuperDave. These posts have got me through some pretty rough nights. This is my first day of NC and it isn't as hard as I thought..for now... But it still feels like im doing the wrong thing.

 

 

 

My Story: After almost 2 years, my gf decided it was over. We've had a rough couple months, me falling into depressed, her getting diagnosed with MS. She said that she couldnt handle us and started to move out. We had some nasty words and things blew up. Seemingly weeks later, there was a new man in her life, she had a bf already.

I was hurt. I told her we need to separate all our things ASAP. We eventually met up to get split up her things. We talked. It was nice. In the end she basically said she loved me, just as a friend. She wanted me in her life. She said that after being diagnosed, she wanted to live every day to the fullest, and not to have to try. With our relationship she had to try, and try hard. She said our relationship fizzled long ago even though she tried, so thats why the jump was so fast to the new guy. She said if the new relationship turns the same way she will leave that too. She said the new relationship is just that, something new, and i shouldnt compare ours to it..

 

I told her i understood as much as i could. Mutal love still, just so many factors. I cant spite her, i wasnt the one diagnosed. She said she wants me in her life. I told her i loved her too much to "just be friends" and it wouldnt be fair to me either, always wanting her back. She acknowledged that she knows i love her completely and did everything right for her, and said she doesnt know what the future holds. Before we left, she said please be in my life.

 

She left. I stopped talking to her. She has been trying to call and get in touch because she still has some of my clothes. I hate ignoring her, but seeing her and talking to her hurts too much. Is my situation different since a disease involved? I feel like the biggest azzhole in the world not being there for her- even though she found a new man.

[mrtapwell]

btw- moving to own thread

[Maria Kabute]

hi..im a newbie here. i stumble in this site on my desperate attempt to be ok. after reading some of the thread, i really did feel fine.=D

 

 

NC work for me on my first relationship, 5 years ago. I ended it because he dont have time for me. I cant bear it, especially its a long distance relationship. After the break up, i didnt call him, text him, email him. It was easy, maybe because i've been taking desperate moves when we will still together, but ended up disappointed. After 3 months of NC, he texted me and want to get back together. saying he will change. I didnt fall for it easily, which is a very good move, since he only lasted a week on courting me. Now, we are still friend and talk sometimes.

 

but now, in my second relationship after 5 years. Its hard for me to do NC.

 

well, my ex and i broke up 5 days ago. i started NC on day 1 , but ended up texting him on day 2, saying that we see each other. since our break up is through phone. he said its ok, and we should really talk. on day 3, NC again and ended up texting him on day 4, to asked to call me.and he called me. yeah.i know, pathetic me.

We should be seeing each other on day 5, that is today, but ended up resetting since he's still out of town.

 

We broke up because he's confused on his feelings for me. It hurts badly!! Especially if there's another girl who's involved. I've been crying since day 1.He told me that the problem began when the girl he loved for many years (unrequited. they never get together) and also a close friend of him too, have a problem. He wants to help this girl, which is fine with me. But he feels that he is confused and he feels like his cheating on me when he's with the girl.

 

Why do you think he feels that way? does it mean he's still inlove with the girl?

On our last talk he told me that he still love me and that doesnt change. But he have have doubts on his feelings for me whenever he's with the girl?

 

We will see each other, 2 days from now. I dont know what is the right thing to say to him. I really want him back. I'm not angry at him after he told me all those things. I know and i believe that we can work this things through. I just dont know what to say, so i dont ended up ruining my chance on getting him back..

 

please help..

[rocknrolla]

coulda used this info 7 months ago lol.....baah

[skyecko]

History:

 

I met my girlfriend in Dec 2012. We had an instant connection that could only be explained by time standing still. After about a month I opened up to her about some things from my past. I wanted to be honest with her and she said she felt closer because I did. Two days later she went to Vegas. While in Vegas she mistook something I said as not trusting her. When she came back from her trip Ii visited her the next day. She was treating me differently. We got in an argument and she said she needed space. I left and she text me this:

 

 

I have fear for many things that if I do something wrong bad things could happen, I have told you many times we aren't perfect but I know you are perfect for me, I want to make you happy And i know I can do it, I told you I need to get things straight and all I'm asking is give me time and space, if you think that this will ruin wherever we have, I'm sorry, I want to be with you with no fear of anything, it might be hard but I think this is the way, I don't want this relation to get very strong then brake, that will hurt more than if we wait and do the right thing, I didn't know talking to you getting to know each other will became a relationship, I do want to be your girlfriend and you my boyfriend but I need space and time to little by little change my life and include you in it. Everything has happen really fast for good but at the same as fast can break if we don't do the right things. I like you and care about you a lot, I hope you really understand me, I noticed I don't like to repeat things but I will learn to do it to make sure we understand each other.

 

I text her that I would give her space and I really cared about her and wanted to be with her long term. However, after this point she did not invite me over to her house and when i went to her workplace she didn't come outside and sit in the car and talk like we always had. Because I didn't give her enough space she started texting/calling less (once a day) saying that she was really busy. But when we did talk we would talk for a couple of hours. With her pulling back I tried to be patient but I felt her slipping away so I didn't give ger space again. So on Monday this week she said she wanted to be friends because she just didnt have the time for a relationship and things were complicated in her life. So on Tuesday I dropped a coupon book at her work oh her day off. Wednesday I brought her a card. This is when she told me that her ex-husband was probably going to move back into the house because the immigration (citizenship) people might check to see if they are married. She told me before that she wanted to get a divorce and she didn't love him. At this same time she said she wanted to stop "Whatever this is..." and not to come to her work; text; or call her. I just told her to come back to me when she was ready. That I cared about her and would wait for her.

 

Later i texted her that i would give her the space that she needed. She text me back the following:

 

Thank You for giving me the time and space I need, yes I want to know too how you are and say hello sometimes but for me is really hard to be just friends after of what we had, but for me I think is better if we just limit our conversations work related I'm loosing you right now because this is how it need to be, because I know if we meant to be together it don't matter how much time will pass we will end up together, but for right now we just can't do it. I don't know if I'm clear but like I told you already about my priorities. I don't want to hurt you on any way I care about you and always will be thinking on you.

 

I replied that I would wait for her until she took care of her things (citizensip/divorce); she didn't reply to my last text. So on Sat I couldn't take it anymore and I text her that I just wanted clarification to her previous text message. No reply. So now it is Monday of the next week and i am feeling very alone. Very insignificant. I have too many unanswered questions. I don't know if she will come back; or what.

 

We had something amazing. She even admitted this several times. But she said also that she can't have it right now because of her life being the way it is. To me I feel like it is an excuse because she made time for me before and it wasn't an issue. My personal thought is maybe she didn't think she could get citizenship with me; so she is going back to her husband in an effort to get it. Maybe if she could get through me she would have divorced him and stayed with me. All I can hope is she will come back to me when she is done with things? What I need to know now is what to do to have any hope of getting her back.

[John John]

Fantastic advice. I think I'm going to print this out, and put it on my fridge. Seriously. I've managed to keep up one month of NC, and it's still killing me every day (we've been broken up for 3 months). I feel like I have so much to tell her, and some people on here have actually advised against NC. And I'm terrified she's going to move on completely.

 

But I know that I'm nowhere near being over what happened, so I feel like NC may be the best thing for me right now. And this post will make it easier for me to uphold.

[DiegoSeesSelf]

Hi everyone, my girlfriend broke up with me last night because of my continual jealousy fits where I get my feelings hurt and act moody. She loves to dance and it sometimes works me because there is such a level of intimacy and sexuality with certain dances she does. She says I'm not giving her the space she needed, (ie shes can't dance and do things without worrying about upsetting me (her words)). I've read some of SuperDaves posts on NC. I just needed to vent and hear suggestions on how to proceed. She said she loves me but that we'd be better as friends. My question from here on out is in regards to seeing her when i'm going to dance classes...We attend the same dance school and I know I need to give her space but at the same time I don't want to stop doing something that I've started enjoying. Is it good if I go to class (where she'll most definitely be) and play it cool? Just for clarification, I want to go to dance class b/c I enjoy it, not because i'm trying to start something with her.

 

In the end I love her and want her back...Please help me out everyone

[Ztw]

I am so happy I found this thread! Thank you superdave! I am on 1 month NC with my ex of 8 yrs. I hate this but it's the only thing I can do. Your words just made me feel a lot better!

[princeslondon]

Great thread. Day 7 of no contact today. Keep feeling sad and wanting to throw up still, hate being back at work, hate being at home. Think about what he is doing ALL the time. I wonder if he is thinking about me lots too, I wonder where his mind 'goes' when he isn't busy/at night/ first thing in the morning.......I keep willing him to text or phone but he told me no contact for a few months, because of the bad breakup. Eugh, this is hard. I just want to sleep ALL day x

[JTP1994]

Great thread. Day 7 of no contact today. Keep feeling sad and wanting to throw up still, hate being back at work, hate being at home. Think about what he is doing ALL the time. I wonder if he is thinking about me lots too, I wonder where his mind 'goes' when he isn't busy/at night/ first thing in the morning.......I keep willing him to text or phone but he told me no contact for a few months, because of the bad breakup. Eugh, this is hard. I just want to sleep ALL day x

 

Hi there PrincesLondon, I hope you're okay, I am here for you if you happen to want to talk. I feel really bad for you as I am in that exact boat. I woke up this morning streaming tears so I understand completely... I am at 5 days NC and all I can think of is her. If you want to email me or anything for a chat then be my guest, ask for my address.

 

 

 

 

On top of that, thanks for this post Dave, I know you probably wont get around to reading someone like mine's comment but I just think it's good to let someone know, such as yourself that you have done a great thing for people and for free. Such little pieces of advice make a big difference for people with broken hearts such as myself and many above. It gives you some sort of hope even when there is no hope to be found inside yourself.

 

Thank you!

 

Joe.

[unspoken2020]

couldn't not doing anything also create the distance ? ... like couldn't it also work again you

[JTP1994]

couldn't not doing anything also create the distance ? ... like couldn't it also work again you

 

I think that too. Spikes fear into your heart and makes you think they probably wont call you... Which I am concerned for, after a 30 day period I will give in. I will have to.

[unspoken2020]

I think that too. Spikes fear into your heart and makes you think they probably wont call you... Which I am concerned for, after a 30 day period I will give in. I will have to.

 

i have done more then 2 months NC ... and nothing ... some people will jsut not contact you .. but sometimes becareful .. if they don't i guess that could mean they want that space ... but i guess it always depends on the person .. it's such a mind fu**

[figmentations]

i have done more then 2 months NC ... and nothing ... some people will jsut not contact you .. but sometimes becareful .. if they don't i guess that could mean they want that space ... but i guess it always depends on the person .. it's such a mind fu**

 

This is my situation, too. Been almost 2 months NC and my ex has never contacted me. So I guess she wants her space and time away from me first and foremost and that's alright. It's a bit heart wrenching though since I ask myself if she'll ever talk to me again.

[El3216]

This was the first thread I found alright after I was left. I was so happy because I thought the magic trick was to leave her alone... But guys and girls: the reality is they will only come back to you it they want too.. So yes the idea is give them space so you don't further mess things up. But don't have expectations for them to come back!

 

Change into the best possible version of yourself. That's all you can do!

 

Only good will follow

[Art Vandelay]

It's so hard not to call her. I know she is missing me as well, but for different reasons. I want to give it a shot and not go down without a fight, but I'm scared I will ruin it by calling her. I just need to know what it was, she can't have just fallen out of love that easily. I also need to know if there is anything I can do, or change, in anyway, but she wouldn't give me a hint last time we spoke. We've only been broken up just over a week.

 

What should I do?

[JTP1994]

This is my situation, too. Been almost 2 months NC and my ex has never contacted me. So I guess she wants her space and time away from me first and foremost and that's alright. It's a bit heart wrenching though since I ask myself if she'll ever talk to me again.

 

I feel that. I've been waiting 6 days and thats hard enough. I genuinely think space is the answer (in my case at least) as well as others. Hope they come back to you, I really do. But I think it would be smart to initiate contact sometimes... You never know.

[JTP1994]

It's so hard not to call her. I know she is missing me as well, but for different reasons. I want to give it a shot and not go down without a fight, but I'm scared I will ruin it by calling her. I just need to know what it was, she can't have just fallen out of love that easily. I also need to know if there is anything I can do, or change, in anyway, but she wouldn't give me a hint last time we spoke. We've only been broken up just over a week.

 

What should I do?

 

I feel you, friend. Yes she probably is missing you and that will only get worse for her in my opinion (hopefully) as that's how I feel. My ex and I have been broke up just over a week too so I can definitely understand how you feel. You think they wont contact you or that they aren't thinking of you but the truth is - you just don't know so don't kill yourself thinking about that. Or what they're doing just eat it up and get on with yourself. Don't contact her if you can get away with it, and if something severe happened to end your relationship and it was majorly your responsibility, then yes I'd suggest working on something but if it's something silly then don't let it ruin you. You are you and you need to regain yourself in order to move on.

 

Good luck, PM me if needed.

 

Joe.

[Art Vandelay]

Cheers for the reply.

 

That's the thing, I have no idea why it ended. She had been distant for a few weeks, but nothing major. I asked her about it a few times, but she brushed it off as nothing major. Suddenly she says we need to talk, and she says she doesn't feel the same way anymore. No reason why, just that it's different. But that's just the thing, she has been the one acting different and not me. We had been together 3 years, and shared so much and have pretty much EVERYTHING in common. We love all the same things. Which is why I just can't understand what has changed her feeling, because as far as I am aware I haven't done anything major.

 

I spoke to her on 5 days ago after she messaged me, I ended up calling her and we spoke for about 2 hours about what has just happened, and there was even a bit of laughing about personal jokes and such. She was really upset to end the call, and said she doesn't want to go because she doesn't know when we will talk again (I had said it prob isn't a good idea to talk for a while - was this a bad idea?) She also said she prob won't change her mind though. Still no specific or even general reason why though.

 

I don't want to just give it away without a fight, and there's no way I will just roll over and accept defeat. I need to know why, if not just for closure. I find it so hard to believe that she can 100% sure she doesn't love me anymore. Saying this, I'm not giving myself false hope, because I hold no expectations of what will happen. She is so closed book it's really hard to get any info out from her. I'm not going to beg her to take me back, I have done that in a past relationship and it burned any chance we had.

 

I just want to hear her voice again, to see if she misses me as much as I do. But I know that will only end in tears for me (and probably her). I wonder if she is going through what I am, or if she is OK. I know she has been quite upset, I have spoken briefly to people but that was just during the first few days.

 

What should I do? She is my everything.