You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[lulu04]

so how long do i wait until i call him back? or do i wait until the next time he calls me and answer?? or keep ignoring???? i hate playing games, i feel like that is what i am doing. (please see my last post from monday). however, i don't want to talk to him if he's not sure what he wants. by saying he wants to "fix things somehow so we can feel good about ourselves" or that he wants to "make things better" --- it could be that he's looking to reconcile, but it still seems pretty vague to me. I guess maybe I want that clear message that says "I screwed up. I want to talk about it. I want you back." i don't think that is a message he would leave, even if he wanted to. he's too stubborn. Plllleeeeeease help meeeeee! what is my next move? he has left messages each time he's called, so i'm not waiting for a message. what am i waiting for? what if he just gives up because i'm ignoring him and says, well, she's done with me, i won't call anymore. i don't want that, either, as i feel that there are many loose ends for us & he still has belongings here. after 6 years, some kind of closure would be nice, or some kind of reconciliation seems easier (although i know it would probably be harder). advice please??

[OCD]

LuLu,

NC is the only way to go... That gives you time to work on yourself. It sounds like you need to find happiness within yourself, first. It's working for me so far...I spent almost 7 weeks of no contact and just focused on me. How can I be happy, what do I want to do for myself. You'll start to feel more confident and then things will start to turn around...

 

OCD

[Lovesick64]

Hello everyone. Let me first say that I was so happy to come accross this forum the other day. I broke up with my boyfriend a couple of weeks ago. We had been dating for 18 months. We live in the same apartment complex and developed a friendship before we became boyfriend and girlfriend. I didn't want to get close to him because he lives accross the way from me and I felt it was too close in the event we broke up. Things were fine in the beginning, so I thought. He would get mad at me for no reason and blow me off for days at a time. I couldn't understand his behavior. This went on for a long time because I allowed it to. Well long story short I figured out that his loving me one minute and blowing me off the next was because he has borderline personality disorder. After the last blow off I had had enough. I ended up writing him a poem and leaving it on the windshield of his car. I don't know if he read it, but I haven't heard from him. I went through those moments of wanting to see him and call him, but didn't. I wanted to call him the other day so bad and that is when I ran into this site. I am really inspired by the strength of everyone and all of the encouraging words of support. Reading a lot of the posts have made me stronger. In the beginning I went through not being able to eat and sleep. It was tough and still is especially with him living so close to me. So far I haven't ran into him. Mainly because I would stay in my apartment and then I realized that I was still letting him control me. I come and go now as I please and have yet to cross paths with him. Its going to be weird, but I will deal with it when it happens. Those cravings of wanting to call him have left after coming here and reading various posts. I don't want to do something I will regret. I just want all the dumpees and dumpers out there to stay strong. The pain will pass. The lonliness will pass. You will recover.

[L8RISER]

Reconciliation is almost never easier than getting closure. Your relationship has suffered pretty severe trauma, and it takes a ton of effort to repair it – from both of you. Everyone eventually reaches a "hump" in the break up which once you're over, getting back together becomes an up hill struggle. It becomes easier to keep moving forward than it is to go back. Reconciliation seems preferable right now, because you're in the break up...see if it's preferable a couple months into the reconciliation.

 

He walked out on you with no reason when your relationship was fine. Nothing is better predictor of future behaviour than past behaviour. Is you relationship going to be stronger after a break up? Will there be less issues?

 

People change. Sometimes for the worst. You miss the way your ex use to be. But do you want to be with who he is now?

 

I don't want to tell you how to feel, but I know what I would do.

 

How many of us have ex's who, at the time of the break up, we never thought we could live without? Now do we care? Fact of live, you eventually get over people...and eventually meet new people.

[septembermourning]

Hi SuperDave- I think you are great and I love everyone on this string! I was very glad to find this website by accident and it has helped me a little today when I am feeling incredibly low.

 

I was dumped after 3.5 months 10 days ago and I have had NC since it happened. It hurts so badly. I know that it doesn't seem like 3 and a half months is a long time to be this hurt but I am. I am 30 years old and I felt that I loved him. I was pretty shocked, especially since when we were together we were always laughing and having the best time. He was always very affectionate, holding my hand and stuff. Although he did not initiate sex alot (not to say that we didn't have sex alot but I just initiated alot of the time) so maybe that was a sign. When we were sexual though, it was very good and he seemed to be enjoying himself although I did feel sad because he never complimented me on my body, etc. (maybe that was another sign), and I am used to getting that in intimate situations.

 

I have been in several relationships over the years and I had ended a 2.5 year relationship 8 months prior to meeting him. For the first time since my last relationship I finally felt like my sadness had lifted. I felt alive and hopeful again. I thought he could be the one because he had all those qualities i've been looking for. I spent time with his family and he always invited me along to family things and I loved them too. I felt like party of a real family (did not have much of one growing up). We spent a lot of time together and it was always good but lately, like in the week before it ended, I felt like I had done more initiating of times to get together but he always seemed more than happy to comply.

 

The last week we were together (we were together 5 out of 7 days) I started discussing a couple of weekend plans in the near future and he got all freaked out. This just also happened to be one day after he found out that he hadn't gotten this promotion at work (that he has wanted for a year). He said he felt like he had been neglecting himself and his family and maybe he just needed a weekend to himself.

 

Well after 5 days of not hearing from him, I confronted him and he ended it. He said that his feelings just weren't as strong as he thought they should be at this point. Apparently he has had a history of very brief relationships and has attributed all of these to trusting his gut. He also said that in a couple where he had stuck it out, his gut ended up being right. Meanwhile there has only been 1 person he's ever been in love with (he's 35) and she broke up with him almost 2 years ago. I feel like maybe he's still hung up on her..

 

Regardless I am so devestated. I know that I didn't do anything wrong. I never pushed the relationship or told him how I was feeling. I just don't get it. I am attractive, fun, caring, loving and kind and I did not act clingy or desperate or anything and we had so many things in common!

 

I know that he just didn't feel it for me and I should understand that but I just can't. If he was physically attracted to me and truly had the best time when he was with me, why on earth would he want to break up with me? Two weeks ago, he was saying that we had a great relationship. After he broke up with me, he even said that he had made a pro/con list and that there had been so many pros and only a couple of petty cons but if his heart had been in the right place then those cons wouldn't have mattered. I am just so brokenhearted and I do want him back but when he did it, I couldn't argue with his reasons and I didn't try to get him to change his mind. He of course put the "friends" thing out there and I just said I didn't know about that. I actually met him on a dating site and one week later, I saw that his profile was back up on there which really hurts. So now I have put mine back up too even though I'm not really ready.

 

I don't think he is going to come back to me but I really wish he would and I can't help but hold out hope. Lately I've been entertaining crazy thoughts of calling him to see how he is or asking him if he still wants to go with me to this wedding this weekend but I have always stopped myself. Alot of people on here have been dumped after years together and love had always present at some point in the past. Do I have any hope to expect him to come back when he never to seemed to have loved me to begin with? I just don't get it because he always seemed so happy.

 

I am just so so sad and feel like I am going to be alone forever.

[Lovesick64]

Septembermourning I am sorry for your loss. You seem to be really devastated by your recent breakup. You need to ask yourself if you really want your ex back and for what reason. It sounds as though you guys had a lot of fun together, but there were some needs of yours that he was simply not meeting. We as women want to hear our man tell us how nice our bodies are and how sexy they think we are. The fact that he never commented on your body, and rarely initiated sex is unacceptable behavior from a man. Its really hard to get into a man's head to figure out exactly where they are coming from. Don't try to figure them out. Its a waste of time and energy. I know it hurts being dumped and you want to call him and tell him how you feel, but you have to resist the temptation. Take the advice that Superdave has given everyone with a broken heart. Do the NC thing and work on yourself. You are the only person who matters right now.

 

I dumped my ex a couple of weeks ago and believe it or not it has been very hard on me. Even though I love him very much I had to let him go and it still hurts. In the beginning I was on the Lovesick diet and exercise program. It consisted of little food, a lot of beer, and a lot of walking. I couldn't eat or sleep and I was the one how broke up with him. I am better now. I am eating, sleeping, and running like I used to. I was trying to block out the pain, lonliness, and despair. Once I decided to feel my pain, then that was things got better for me emotionally. I still would love to talk to him, see him, and hold him, but I can't. Facing those facts alone hurt me deeply still, but I will survive.

[OCD]

Good morning all,

This site is great because I can get things off my chest...I think everything is going well with my NC. I did speak to her yesterday morning as I noted...but this morning I was thinking about my next move. I believe that I shouldn't contact her and keep letting her contact me. 9 calls total. It's unbelievable how NC has worked for me...We spoke briefly and I never brought up the relationship and she didn't either...my question is does that ever need to come up?? How do I ask her why she is calling me without sounding like an idiot?? She is the one that left with no apparent reason and I figure if we're to start up again SHE needs to address those issues, but I'm not sure how to go about it...I'd hate to say "So why are you calling me so much"...you know what I mean? Thanks.

[SuperDave71]

OCD,

 

 

The Ball is in her court yet YOU maintain control. You do not mention the relationship or the calls. If you do, she might get defensive and tell you something you may not want to hear. You do not need setbacks at this point. You need to keep doing what your doing. I believe in the beginning, everyone that does NC correctly doesn't think they willl ever get a call.....You my friend have had 9. Keep it up! Your doing fine. She is realizing YOU are in control. You are able to break her habits and she is left confused, You are not even close to her beckon call and she can't stand it. I woudl say within the next 3 weeks,...she will open up alot to you if you keep it up possibly,

 

-SuperDave71

[Lovesick64]

OCD-

 

What is her conversation like when you are taking her calls? When I broke up with my boyfriend I did it in the form of a poem and I let him know why I was breaking up with him. I let him know because it is the right thing to do. For your ex to not give you any reason is kinda strange. I think you wanting to say to her, "Why are you calling me" is valid. However don't you want to know why she broke up with you? I would ask her, "Why are you calling me so much, since you broke up with me for no apparent reason"? Don't let her play you.

[SuperDave71]

Lovesick,

 

 

The only way OCD can be played is to "play". By doing NC, he is taking himself out of the equation. I do however agree with one thing, if you decide, OCD, that you would like a valid reson ( ONLY WHEN YOU CAN ACCEPT THE TRUTH ) I feel that asking, why do you keep calling me if you broke up with me is a very valid and telling question. My argument is however that anything being cornered unexpectedly will DEFEND themselves. You may not get an HONEST answer if you just throw it out there. Use tact. It is your right to know.

 

 

-SuperDave71

[OCD]

Thanks guys,

The calls weren't poems, etc. I finally picked up her #6 call and spoke briefly. I told her I was doing great and went a bit into some of the things I have planned, etc. She really didn't say too much about herself...which leads me to believe she's just feeling me out. I do think I left her a little confused because I'm not running to her, which works out for me. I do believe the ball is in her court...as Dave said I DON'T NEED SET BACKS I've been doing pretty well with NC and I think it is fair to say that in a little more time she'll open up...thanks for giving me some insight...I was wondering how to bring it up but I suppose it's up to her to open up to me.

[Lovesick64]

Superdave

 

Forgive me. I forgot that this thread is for people who want their ex's back. I believe OCD's ex calls him for her own selfish satisfaction. She wants to make sure that he is still "available". I think by him taking her calls after being successfully NC for so long shows her that he is available to her. She now has a since of relief that he is "there" and that is what I mean when I said to him to not let her play him. With the question thing whose to say that anyone will get an honest answer no matter how long they decide to ask the enevitable?

 

OCD are you going back to NC for now, or what?

[Lovesick64]

OCD,

 

Thanks for clarifying who is doing the talking. Perhaps she is calling to let you know that even though she broke up with you for no reason that she still cares about what is going on with you. The fact that she doesn't offer any information about herself is strange. The next time you decide to take her call why don't you try being the one not giving any information.

[OCD]

That's what I've been kicking around...do I stop taking her calls? All of the advice I've been getting is YES, for now. Don't pick up the next call or two...When I got off the phone with her yesterday she sounded very confused that I had to go...we used to speak every morning on the way to work and I never cut it off like that. It sort of felt good that I had a bit of control on the situation. When I was talking to my sister after speaking to her she called again...I didn't answer. I really do believe she knows how I feel and what she needs to do in order gain my trust back...she's always had a hard time expressing herself, so I know this is hard for her. That's fine though because she brought this on...if she really cares she'll realize that she needs to make a bold move and I don't think it should be a huge surprise to her if I didn't ask "why are you calling me if you broke up with me?"

[septembermourning]

Lovesick-- Thanks for your kind words. I am such a sensitive soul that breakups just always tear me up regardless of who does it. Like I had mentioned, I broke up with my 2.5 year boyfriend last October. I felt SICK SICK SICK over it. I felt sick in the four months before I did it, because I knew I needed to do it and then I felt sick for months afterwards because I knew he was hurting and I felt AWFUL. I always had this tight knot in my stomach and total dread to see him move on even though I know he is not right for me. It is so HARD for me to let people go. The only good thing about being dumped (which can also be bad) is that you can't regret it because it wasn't your choice.

 

When I break up with people, I always wonder if I did the right thing. So I feel your pain also. I also wonder if I'm giving up the last person who will ever love me again. I know that is horrible but I do. I watch everyone around me moving on, getting married and having kids and it hurts so much because that is all I have ever wanted, was my own family one day and I worry that I will never get it because I have to depend on finding the right person.

 

Ironically, guess who I have been leaning on since my break up? My ex. And he has been there for me. I know he still loves me but I also know that he doesn't want to get back together because we recognize that our differences could not be worked out. AND I don't want him back, being with the guy that DUMPED me made me realize I could feel again. I know it's not right to lean on him either but if he ever found this website and learned about NC, I'd be crap out of luck, now wouldn't I?

[Lovesick64]

Septembermourning,

 

I think you need to stop leaning on your ex to get through your recent breakup. Are you going to lean on him for every other tough situation that you go through? You can get through this on your own without him. I was new to the area and my ex was the only person that I was friends with. Getting rid of him took away any social life I had whatsoever. I don't have any friends here really. I am cool with one coworker that I kinda talk to about the recent breakup. I have basically been leaning on the Lord and myself to get through the pain and lonliness. I have never been married and I don't have any children. I will be 41 years old in December. I haven't given up on having a husband and a family one day. I know it will happen for me. All I am saying is to not give up on your dreams. How can a guy find you when you are leaning on your ex?

[septembermourning]

Lovesick:

 

7 years go I moved to this state, 5 hours away from my family to see if I had a future with my college boyfriend. He wasn't the only reason though because I was trying to gain my independence. I realized that he was not the right one for me and I ended it and I was in your situation now. I did not know one other person outside of him. IT was VERY hard because I worked with all older, married people and had NO social life. In time, I was able to build other friendships and move on but it was very hard. BUT I definitely was not as strong as you now seem. You really are inspiring to me and your hope is inspiring. I know that your good attitude will bring you good people. I know that my attitude is terrible right now and that I can't possibly attract the right people. But thank you so much for sharing your story and telling me not to give up because I do feel a little better. Thank you.

[Mstyiyd]

I have been following this thread since it got posted. I actually printed up a # of pages to keep with me when I get down during the day at work and need a pick me up.......have my own situation going on with the whole NC thing so i can appreciate what this board has to offer.

Everyone here has given great advice/support. Let's keep it forthcoming.

 

I initiated my NC even though my ex did not want me out of her life; i think maybe a 'time out' at the most. Of course she wanted us to remain friends, and it wasn't about a 3rd person or cheating. She just wanted to supposedly be single for a while and do her own thing. Which i guess in a weird way, it's probably best to let a person w/that mindset just go on.

I realize everyone's got a diff. situation, and no one's got a crystal ball, but do the dumpers usually call the dumpees if the dumpee initiated the NC? Alot of the time a dumper initiates NC, I guess. So how about the other way around?

[DecemberGal]

Well my ex and I are slowly creeping up on a total of three months of being broken up and I miss him just as much now as I did three months ago. Since I called him and apologized to him three weeks ago, I haven't had any contact with him whatsoever. Me calling him and apologizing at least allowed us to clear the air with each other as there was a lot of tension between us. But now I am worried that I might have given him the impression that I was moving on and didn't care about reconciling with him (even though I'd love nothing more!). I remember saying something to him along the lines of, "I don't care whether or not we get back together at this point, I just wanted to tell you I was sorry for the way I acted and for the things I said to you..." And after I hung up the phone I thought, stupid me, why on earth did I say something so stupid??? Well DUH! Of COURSE getting back together with him matters because I still LOVE him!!! So now I sit here wondering if he went away from my phone call thinking...."She doesn't care about getting back together with me anymore so there's no point in me contacting her anymore either..." I certainly hope he's not thinking that. In any event, I hope that our time apart has shown him as it has shown me, just how much he misses what we had together, as it has certainly shown me how much I miss him and how much I took him for granted when I had him. NC has helped make me stronger and to look at the bigger picture of my life. Hell, I have even been dating others. But I still miss him terribly.

[coooolsome]

Well I wouldnt say that was the worst thing you could have said. Technically, humans want what they cant have. If he really cares for you and wants you back he will come back. It doesnt matter if you said that or not. If he loves you and wants you, he will try. He could be testing you to see if what you said was true and if you havent talked to him in 3 weeks then good for you. You want him to chase you not the other way around.

[OCD]

That's a very good point...let him/her chase you...I'm actually going through a little of that myself. I'm doing pretty well with NC. Don't get me wrong it's been very tough to say the least. Many weak moments but I never acted on them. As SuperDave71 said "keep doing what you're doing; the ball's in her court". I'm trying...I need to hear "DON'T CALL HER". Ever since I spoke briefly to her a couple of days ago (I accidentaly picked up one of her calls, #6 and 9 total calls) I've been thinking about her and what was her real purpose for calling me was. I need to hold strong and NOT CONTACT HER. I think she'll try to contact me again if she really cares. The thing is that I just don't want her to check up on me I want to try to work things out and try our relationship out again. That's why I'm still doing NC just in case she is trying to intise me or just have me keep thinking about her. I'm not playing that game. That's what this thread is about, Getting Back Together. I'm staying positive and this weekend will be a test for me. Thanks for all of the support guys.

[sadlyalone4ever]

Well, here I am again. My ex has been calling me and has even come over a time or two lately. However, he keeps tellling our daughter that we might get back together. But he is still seeing the other woman. I broke and called him a little bit ago and she was with him. I immediately got off the phone but not before I started crying. Now I am sitting here trying to keep the kids from seeing me cry because it hurts soo much for him to see me then see her.

 

saddened and lonely.

[OCD]

I would say NC all the way with this guy... I know it's hard, believe me. Don't let him play you like this... especially if he's with another person.

[sadlyalone4ever]

I cant do complete NC we have an 8 yr old daughter together. BUT I have refrained from calling him for a while it is just that he has been calling. Today I broke and called him. I know I should not have done it after I did but it really hurt. He has his cake and is eating it too. I really love him and it really hurts to know that he still thinks about us getting back together but he is with her out of pity.

[SuperDave71]

Sadandlonely,

 

 

I know your particular situation is a tough one. Not many people could do what you doing but you still have to remain strong for yourself and yoru children. If I had to talk to your ex about the children then talk ONLY about THAT situatioin and then get off the phone. I know your hurt. I know its tough knowing your ex is seeing someone else butyou have to be better than that. By crying on the phone, it only makes matters worse. I know it is not easy but you are worth more than that. Now stop your tears and do your best to put that backbone back in a me SUPER MOM!! You understand!! Fron now on...you are SUPER MOM!!! You children already know this about you. when you look in a mirror....you tell you self..I am worth more than how I feel and I love my child more than anything in the whole world. I am SUPER MOM and NOBODY can take that away from me!!! Then smile and go and hug your child.....you will feel much better ..I promise.

 

 

-SuperDave71