You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[undecided]

one more thing though..........

 

my biggest fear about NC is that he will think i am angry at him (we have a history of this remember) for not writing back or agreeing to talk with me last weekend on a hike.....not only not agreeing, but not even contacting me to tell me no directly.

 

will this hinder him from contacting me? if he thinks i might be angry or it might start up another disagreement. in my mind i have already decided to let it go and not get mad, knowing that he probably just needed time and space to think (though i'm sure he spent time with the girl i bet, though i know sunday-tues night he was in tennessee on business) i figured Wed he would get back and get back in order from his trip, but he has STILL not called or written on made contact.

 

i am afraid he'll be afraid to contact me for fear i'll be angry. we've never done the NC thing ever, just a day here and there and then contact.

 

or do you think that when he wants to, he won't worry about it?

[SuperDave71]

I am in TN as well....

 

 

The easiest way to NOT worry about the "him being mad" issue is to tell him. E-mail hima nd tell him you feel it is in yoru best interest to not have any contact with him. Tell him you need to work on you and you didn't want him to assume that just because he doesn;t here from you doesn;t mean you DON'T care...its because you do. There is no need to worry about petty things when you are honest and forthright about your intensions. If he gets mad anyway....oh well. Its on him because you were honest. Make sense? Just be polite and curtious.

 

 

You can do it!

 

 

-SuperDave71

[undecided]

OK, so then you think it's ok for me to write just once and tell him i am not mad and giving him space to think/decide?

 

but the thing is it's not HIM being mad, it's my fear that he'll think I'M mad.....oh, well wait, right, i guess your comment addreses that.

 

i am nervous to write. that's pretty much what the letter in my inbox says:

 

Hey B,

 

You know, I've been thinking...... There is a reason why we broke up, and if both of us cannot come back to the table after a three month separation with a strong desire to be more considerate, more compassionate and communicative people - willing to listen to each other and willing to try to fix the specific problems we were each feeling before the break up - then you are right.......nothing good will ever come from a second attempt, it doesn't matter if we've had a bazillion 'fun adventures'. This I fully agree with. Though it really is too bad, as I think in many ways we are really great together. I miss climbing, skiing, and backpacking with you. I miss laughing and loving and learning with you. I care for you so much and would like to try to be a better partner to you, but I also want you to be happy. If it isn't there 110% on your end as well, then it will never work. I can accept that and know that my original decision was the right decision and stick to it.

 

I guess that's really all I have to say. I am going to be spending some time focusing on bettering my health/athletic strength, bettering my business/financial situation, and bettering my relationship with (my dog), my friends, and my awesome new roommates. For me, I've realized that being alone is better than being with the wrong person. I am not rushing out to find a date tomorrow.

 

You know where I am if you decide you want to talk. I would prefer not to communicate about this via email anymore, or even over the phone, as I think it is too cold and impersonal, and there are too many ways things can be misinterpreted without eye contact and body language.

 

I will always love you.

 

A (and my dog too)

 

 

 

 

 

I really do want to send it, but have been holding off because i wrote the last email. i don't want to bug him, i don't want to piush him away. i can wait. i just don't want him to use this girl just to get back at me or distract him from thought of me. Not to mention i don't even think he's been very fair to the girl! i feel sorry for her! he's spending time with her, but talking her down to me? oof................

[SuperDave71]

Don't send it....

 

 

 

You need a short, direct to the point e-mail stating what you are doing and why. Do not put the "what we used to do activities". Why?...Because it makes him feel guilty. Just create an email that says youare going to take time for yourself and you really want to focus on you right now and do not need distractions. Tell him yoru taking time out to focus on what your needs, wants and desires are and you don't need outsode influences right now. blah blah blah...

 

 

 

It's really simple...just be honest and no mushy stuff and leave the dog out of it.... **Geesh -- Trying to use your poor, innocent pup for sympathy!! How sick!! HA HA HA HA HA ok ok ok I am kidding!!

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[undecided]

OK OK!

 

bwahaha! you're so funny!

i'm not looking for sympathy!

 

 

anyway, i guess, now i'm back to forget it. and NC.

i can't really write that letter i don't think. it's not me.

 

 

 

i think i need to forget about him for now. if it's meant to be, then it will work itself out eventually. it's his loss........

 

i'm going to give it at least one or two more weeks without doing anything.

if nothing happens after that, if he doesn't try to contact me, he's out of my life.

 

(and my dog's life too! *snort*)

[sadlyalone4ever]

well here i am once again. sitting here crying cause i am scared of being alone. and here i am alone. trying to be strong because i know i am weak when it comes to him. he does not know i still cry over him but i do all the time. i dont know what to do to get past this. i want him back so much but at the same time i dont want him back. i sit and think about all the good times we had and how much i miss laughing with him.

i guess i am just a hopless romantic and a stupid one. thanks for listening to me.

[sadlyalone4ever]

Well, I have made it back. I talked to my husband today. I asked him if he read the letter with the poems I left in his truck yesterday. He said he had and that he had been thinking about it. It kind of made me feel better but I dont know what he was thinking about it. I am still hoping but am starting to get the feeling that if I dont start trying to get past this relationship I may never if things dont work out. BUT I am feeling a little better than I did earlier.

THANKS for listening.

[SuperDave71]

Sad,

 

You wil be ok no matter what.

 

 

-SuperDave71

[strong_rebirth]

Sad,

 

Your name (sadlyalone4ever) will not hold true....you will be ok like SuperDave said and you need to encourage yourself through these rough moments. Try to post on the message board on days (or moments) when you feel good (or at least upbeat). Doing so not only helps you look back on better moments throughout this time but also encourage others in the process who lose hope. Hang in there and good luck!

[SuperDave71]

Sad,

 

 

All you have to do is have faith in yourself and post here.

 

 

-SuperDave71

[liambilson]

Super SuperDave,

 

Duct tape please !!

 

I cracked and e-mailed my ex (no soppy stuff !) after 19 days to ask her whether she would agree that it would be a good idea to restabish communication.

How do I fight the building resentment if she doesn't reply ?

Yours unworthily !

[sadlyalone4ever]

Ok you guys have been great so far so I have something else to discuss. I am really stupid I think. I really love my husband and am willing to do anything to get him back. this past week I have bought him and his kids groceries, paid on his furniture, and then took his kids some milk and stuff this morning. He says he wants to see me but he does not know if he will be able to right now cause the girlfriend is up. I want to tell him that he has got to stop playing with my emotions but I dont want to push him further away. I went on Ebay and bought him a bunch of stuff, that he does not have yet. My son tells me that I can not buy him back but I look at it as helping him out and that if he sees that I will help him no matter what maybe he will see that he does still love me and that he is only with her cause he feels guilty about not seeing his daghter for 20 years and the fact that the mom is dying.

Am I being stupid??

[moonunit]

you have to stop spending your money on him. it's not going to get him back. keep your money or give it to the kids, don't waste it on him. listen to your son. i think in buying things for him, it'll only help him take you for granted. i dont really have much to say or any real advice here, im in a pickle myself but i do know that you shouldn't be buying him anything, keep your money and go to a spa or use it for something fun for yourself.

[sadlyalone4ever]

I keep telling myself that but part of me feels that this is the only way he will see that I really do love him.

[coooolsome]

So I have a question....what if your ex broke up with you because he/she fell out of love with you. Could that love ever return?

[sadlyalone4ever]

I dont know. I have thought about that but I ask myself that if he did not love me or care aboutme why does he keep coming over to see me. Even when I was not giving him money or paying anything for him. I am so afraid of being alone that I dont even think about anything else. And we were together for 10 years so maybe it is just the familiarity of it all. i just dont know.

[coooolsome]

Sadly....yes it is fear of being alone that you are feeling. It is hard to not be able to have that comfort and the love. I know how you feel. But here is the thing, its fun to be single. Now you can do whatever you want and not have to answer to anyone. No more who, what, when, wheres that you have to deal with. I myself would rather be with my ex than be single but i am slowly starting to enjoy that aspect of being single.

 

I myself am still at the point where i really miss her and think about her everyday and my heart starts beating like crazy when I talk to a mutual friend of mine that is telling me stuff. But I dont mull over it anymore. I think about her but I still can do stuff. I can work, have fun, hang out, watch tv.

 

It WILL get easier but you need to heal and get over it. You dont want to be this way in 1 or 2 years do you? Do what I did, start at page 218 of this forum and work your way backwards until you get to page 1 and read all the topics. I did it and saw what other people were doing and realized that I dont want to be the same person 1 year from now. I dont want to be crying looking at old pictures.

 

Cherish the memories and the good times but let it go.

[coooolsome]

oh and god closes one door and opens another, this is true. I didnt believe it myself until exactly 1 month after. I started thinking about this girl I hung out with in college. I lost contact with her when she changed her email. I lost her phone number and tried to contact her using her school email but no luck. Well I went to the college website and found out she was working as a student teacher and there was her email address and I emailed her.

 

Well we are going to be going out for lunch or something in the next month. Not thinking about trying to get serious with her, but who knows what will happen.

[sadlyalone4ever]

Good for you cool.

 

I did make the call and told him that I was not going to give him anymore money and that he was not going to play with my heart or my emotions anymore. Of course I was a little nicer than that. BUT he knew I meant what I said. He said that he was not and that he would come over and talk to me tomorrow nite. I dont know if that is a good thing or not. but i put myself in this position of wanting to get back with him. This is the time to hear it from his mouth one way or another.

[renaissancewoman101]

My bf of about two years wants to break it up with me. About 8 months ago I began to lose my feelings for him, and I pushed him away (w/o breaking up with him), but then he went after me and showed me how much he loved and cared about me. I was flattered by his attention and his desire of me, but still my feelings for him dried up. Alot of that has to do with our differences in what we like to do, who we like to hang out, etc. Our relationship lasted two years, one of the only relationships that I have ever had that lasted this long (and I am 32 years old). I also posted that after a few months, he gave up on me and began pulling away from me, all the while warning me about what he was doing and giving me chances to patch things up and make things up. All he wanted me to do was spend time with him and his friends doing the stuff he liked to do. In the beginning of our relationship I enjoyed doing the stuff he liked to do, with his friends, etc., but as my feelings for him changed and I avoided him, I really avoided him a lot and gave him a lot of free time to go and spend with his friends.

 

He really gave me a chance this summer to try and make amends, by spending time with him and his friends at the renaissance faire. He is a big ren faire buff. I love Ren Faires, but this summer, I had a lot going on so I did not go to Ren Faire a lot. I didnt prevent him from going either. I told him to go and enjoy himself and have fun with his friends.

 

Now that Ren Faire is over, I finally have some time to devote to him. A lot of that has to do with my best friend (who is a gay guy). My best friend is moving to CA for a chance in a lifetime job that he wants to pursue. Part of my summer, I spent with my best friend, because I knew he would be leaving by the fall. My best friend is moving away at the end of this month, and that is going to leave a big void in me. I dont have a lot of friends around here.

 

Now, I am trying to redevote some time to my bf because I sort of miss him. But now he decides that he has had enough of my inattention to him and to the relationship, so he is breaking up with me. He tells me that he is losing his feelings for me and feels like he is the only one putting effort into the relationship. He hasnt really hung out with me one on one in about a month, and he has stopped sleeping with me.

 

Now, I really want him back and I dont want this relationship to die out. I dont understand myself. Earlier this year, I couldnt stand to be around him and everything he did drove me nuts and made me want to get away from him even more. I guess at that time, I was hoping he would break up with me, but I didnt want to do the act and break up with him.

 

Now, he is the one wielding the axe and doing the chopping. I dont want this to happen. I am really not sure what to do. This is not a good time for this to be happening to me. My best friend and confidante is moving away at the end of this month, and I was hoping to have my bf around to cushion the hurt, and now my bf wants to end it.

 

I saw my bf yesterday. I told him that I was going to come down and hang out with him and he told me that I could come down, but that one of his friends was around for the weekend. I did not really mind that since his friend is someone I know and like to hang around with. The afternoon started ok. We hung out, talked, chatted and had a good old time, although I realized that my bf had put up a wall against me. I wasnt really happy about that. I had really come down there to talk with him and to convince him to give the relationship another chance. I was planning on talking to him in a nice and convincing way, etc.

 

It didnt turn out that way. Towards the evening, I decided to go home since I didnt see a chance to be able to talk to him one on one. But him and his friend did not want me to leave since it was getting late and they knew I was getting tired. His friend likes me and likes hanging around with me. We were all sitting on the porch of my bf's house (his parents were away for the weekend)and they were drinking and we were laughing and shooting the breeze. After a bit of convincing, I decided to stay the night. Then we all got to drinking. I havent drank in a long time and I am small in stature so one or two shots of liquor usually get me drunk. I ended up getting really drunk and yelling at my bf and telling him how I felt about him and how much I wanted to get back together with him. I told him that I wanted another chance and that I was angry with him. It turned out into a yelling match in which I think I woke up the whole neighborhood with my yelling. I am surprised that someone didnt call the cops on me. One of the neighbors yelled out the door to tell us to shut up. We ended up moving the argument into the backyard, where I threw stuff around and yelled at him about how hurt I was about this whole thing. He yelled back and told me why he was doing this. He felt that our relationship was going nowhere since we both dont really share the same likes and dislikes and hobbies. He likes my lifestyle, but he cant afford it. I make a lot more money than he does. In the beginning I helped him live my lifestyle by paying for a lot of it. He was ok with that, but his uneasiness with the way I do things, bothered me a lot. He also felt I wasnt putting anything into the relationship anymore and that I was pulling away. Now, his feelings have changed for me because the way I treat him and the relationship, and he doesnt feel the love he did for me as before. The shouting match lasted a few hours with his friend trying to calm us down.

 

This morning, I was calmer and tried to talk to my bf in a calmer fashion. It has now come down to this, he doesnt want to sleep with me again because he doesnt want to get drawn back into the confusion which is my life (part of why he also wants to break up with me has to do with my emotional attachment to my best friend - who is a gay guy). He says I trust in my best friend more than I do him and that I confide more to my best friend than I do him.

 

My bf also doesnt think there isnt any hope for our relationship because we are so different and I have too much attachment issues with my best friend. My bf also wants to get his life back together and go back to school, etc.

 

I am not sure what to do now. My bf gave me back some of the stuff that he has of mines. He offered to give me back the cell phone. I gave him a cell phone last year, that I pay for off my plan so that he could have access to a phone without his parents constantly chasing him off the phone so they could use it. I told him to keep the cell phone for the time being. He still wants to be friends with me since he cares about me and still somewhat "loves" me.

 

About a year ago, we got into a major fight that ended up with us breaking up (that lasted a week). The issues then had to do with my clinginess to him, and my attachment to my best friend. We got back together a week later and things were ok. I am not sure what is going to happen this time. He seems really resistant and trying to work this out again. He thinks is going to be like a cycle like last time where things are great for awhile and then bad again.

 

I am not sure what to do now. He has told all his friends as well as his parents that he has broken up with me. I know that his mom still hopes that we can be together again, since she likes me. She has always told me that I am one of the only normal, put-together financially, etc. girls that he has ever dated. Last year, his mom had a part in helping us get back together again.

 

I am willing to put the effort to repair this relationship. I do miss him, although I am not sure if I want a long term relationship with him that will lead to marriage. I am not sure how to approach it. He is a nice guy with a nice heart. Throughout his life, he has always been on the dumped end of a relationship. Girls have always dumped him. I am the first girl he has ever dumped. (His mom has told me that). So, I know he feels a lot of guilt about this.

 

I am not sure what I am going to do yet. Any ideas? I always thought if you gave a guy space and time to hang with his friends he would like that and it would help strengthen the relationship. It seems with me, that the fact I gave him so much space and time to be with his friends, it killed the feelings he had for me.

 

I am not sure if NC would work in this instant, because in the past few months I was aloof and pulled away from him and gave him lots of space, and it caused him to realize that I may have lost my feelings for him and consequently him breaking up with me.

 

I am thinking about maybe trying to devote some time to showing him I do want to make an effort at doing stuff he likes, hanging out with his friends, etc. I am not sure.

 

Next weekend, he is going out to help his friend at a Ren Faire about 3 hours away from me. I usually go to that Ren Faire every year, so I am thinking about showing up, saying hi and maybe trying to be nice to him and buy him something from there to show I still care about him.

 

This relationship died because I didnt care enough to put the effort into it. NOw I want to put the effort into it.

[SuperDave71]

Renwoman,

 

 

Hey there. I just finished reading your post and 2 things stand out.

 

1.) Alcohol

 

 

2.) Yelling

 

 

Never a good combo. I am sure the alcohol was just a "it was there so I had a few drinks" kind of thing but it just turned ugly. Yelling at someone claiming you love them and throwing things is never the anwer. Such tantrums or drunken yelling matches are most always remembered in a negative way. It's as if you told your ex you loved him yet hit him in the head with a sledge hammer. You may love your ex very much yet the yelling and throwing thing sis not SHOWING how much you love him.

 

Alcohol is a depressant. It also lower inhabitions to the point you really don't THINK about what your saying and the possible consequences it could bring. I know I am saying this AFTER the fact but be careful. I must say that your options are not looking very good at this point considering if he thinks of you, he is going to picture a drunken yelling math with things being thrown around. Who wants to be a part of that? I wouldn't. I believe you need to start NC for 2 weeks. Then, try and contact him. Ask him out for coffee ( NOT Irish coffee ok? ). Tell him you have been doing some thinking and how much he means to you and your sorry for your tantrum. We do crazy things when we think we are in love. My thoughts on this are simple. If we DO do crazy things and we call it love.....it's not love. Love is patient...Love is kind...Love is not jealous or boastful....

 

 

Take time to reflect on what happened and possibly what you can do to to help yourself first..then slowly work towards gaining back a valuable friendship. Take it slow and remember to show love...why? Because talk is cheap. Good luck and God bless.

 

 

Your friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[comets_21]

I am currently in the process of no contact..

Although I think it is working because I have not been let down or hurt by her.. but probally like everyone else I still find myself sad and hurt by the situation and my mind is regularily thinking of her... If she's thinking of me? Why isn't she on AOL? Etc. I was wondering if SuperDave or anyone else had any advice or mindset should I take to get back up and get her off my mind?

[SuperDave71]

Comet,

 

 

THere is really nothing I coudl possibly say that coudl get her off yoru mind. What I had to do was to keep busy. I focused all my energy on me. Sounds selfish but its not really. When you learn that no matter what, you cannot change the other person, then you realize that all the wasted time you used thinking about them and doing nothing to improve yourself or possibly the relationship, does nothing to solve the issues you guys had before. There was a reason you both separated. What was it? Have you fixed it? Do you know how you could prevent it from happening again? What other things can you change about yourself that could improve in relationship or the possiblity of a new relationship? These were the questions I had to answer for myself before I could just sit and waste my thoughts on "I wonder what she is doing". I took control. It was hard, please don;t get me wrong..but I did. You can too.

 

 

Your friend,

 

SuperDave71

[OCD]

Hi all,

Just venting a little, but I ran into my exes mother over the weekend. She's great. I miss her too. I wasn't sure how she would react, but I figured I'd make an attempt to say hello. When we made eye contact she came over and said "give me a hug". I was really surprised at her reaction. I told her that I was great and I have many good things happening in my life. I didn't get into my ex or any of those bad feeling I've been having about missing her, blah blah blah. It was nice that she was concerned about me and was so friendly. Hopefully I showed some character going up to her. It made me feel good. Again I'm just venting, but it's getting better everyday of NC. I've held strong even after that call I got last Wed that I never picked up. I'm waiting for other attempts before I feel strong enough to speak to her. I'm letting nature take its course. Wish me luck guys. Thank you all.

[SuperDave71]

OCD,

 

 

I am proud of you!! I seriously am!! Keep it up!

 

- SuperDave71