Bf going on vacation with his friends

[Kaytonie]

My BF (33M) and I (32F) have been together about 3 years. This is my first post on this site. 

My BF has historically gone on vacation to a gaming convention once a year with his online friends. They had been close post covid until last year, so he was excited to go again. I trusted him so he went, communicated very little, and was hammered the entire time. This left him physically ill for 2 weeks after coming home and needed antibiotics and his throat was so raw he could barely speak. He said because he was planning on marrying me and having kids, this was his last hurrah with his friends getting crazy drunk and such.

A month ago, I discovered that he broke my trust. Due to past relationships, we agreed that neither of us should ever be on dating sites/apps or things like it while we are dating. Somehow, he was on escorting site. At first he pretended that because it wasn't a dating site that it wasn't strictly off limits... but after a bit he admitted he knew it would hurt me - he just thought I would never find out. (This is its own issue.) He claims to never have used any of their services - that it was an extension of a porn addiction he is trying to kick. 

The convention came up again and he book tickets. I am not included in any of the plans (I am a gamer too, but he really seems to want to keep me seperate from his friends). 

I want to be okay with this, but I feel tightness in my chest when I think about it. I no longer trust his motives. However, my gut/chest are not a scientific proof of deceit. I just want an outsiders view if the situation for a sanity check. 

Facts:

I have no proof that he physically cheated on me. 

We didn't sleep together to 2 weeks after his last trip because he was so sick.

He has still not proposed, and claims one excuse or another whenever the subject comes up. Usually "there is too much going on."

[Andrina]

2 minutes ago, Kaytonie said:

Due to past relationships, we agreed that neither of us should ever be on dating sites/apps or things like it while we are dating. Somehow, he was on escorting site. At first he pretended that because it wasn't a dating site that it wasn't strictly off limits... but after a bit he admitted he knew it would hurt me - he just thought I would never find out.

If that alone doesn't make you break up, your self-worth is in the gutter. My opinion is to break up and then read books at minimum to gain self-love. Therapy would be even better. When you don't love yourself, you accept and attract low-lifes like this.

[ShySoul]

You have every right to be concerned. Someone in a relationship should't be looking for an escort, regardless if they actually go through with it. If they do, that's not only disrepectful and cheating, it brings up all kinds of health concerns. And if they don't, why look in the first place? The focus should be on the one you're with.

This is really about what you are comfortable with and will give you what you need:

Do you believe him when he says he has a porn additction? Has he shown signs or taken steps to stop it? Are you okay knowing this about him? Are you okay working through it with him?

Do you feel you can trust him when he goes someplace? Or will you constantly be questioning his every action?

Are you okay with him having a whole spearate group of friends and not being invited to be a part of it? Have you expressed your desire to be included? If so, how did he respond? 

Are you fine with him taking a trip and getting so wasted it affects him for weeks after? Personally, I don't think that speaks well to his maturity level.

Relationships aren't based in scentific facts. They are emotional. If you feel there is a problem, there probably is. If you want to keep the relationship, you need to work with him and honestly discuss the issues. He'll need to show understanding and demonstrate that he wants to do what he needs to in order for you to feel better. If either of you don't feel you can do this, then it's not the right relationship for you.

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, Kaytonie said:

I have no proof that he physically cheated on me. 

What physical proof would you need--to catch him in the act? Seeking escort services isn't enough for you?

Quote

We didn't sleep together to 2 weeks after his last trip because he was so sick.

Or, he needed a 2 week incubation period to learn whether he'd contracted an STI. He may have been waiting for symptoms, or he could have run for a test while you were out. Unfortunately, that may not have been enough time to obtain an accurate test. You might be wise to obtain a battery of tests for yourself.

Quote

He has still not proposed, and claims one excuse or another whenever the subject comes up. Usually "there is too much going on."

Sounds like a blessing AND he's right, there IS too much going on.

You get to decide how much of your best fertility years you want to keep sinking into someone who has already proven himself un-trust-worthy.

I think it was Oprah who said that our highest intelligence first comes to us in a whisper. If we don't pay attention, it comes back around in a thump. After that it comes in a wallop.

Decide whether you 'must' wait for that wallop. If so, at least start creating a plan. You might find that putting such a plan together could motivate you to await no further harm in order to carry it out.

Fingers crossed for you.

[yogacat]

You can have ALL the proof in the world that he didn't cheat on you. The problem is 1. He's not emotionally available. He's too busy being a naughty little player on some icky website. 2. He also "conveniently" gets ill on all these trips and just can't come near you? Really? Lol

You are the one and only person for this life and you can control how yours goes, you can dump him whenever you want. Girl, give yourself permission to find what you REALLY NEED, and don't settle for nothing less than unscripted true love. 

[MissCanuck]

In what universe does one need "scientific proof of deceit" to end a relationship with a person they know is dishonest?

I would have dumped him already. He's on an escort site? Ew. No. Please get rid of this guy and get yourself full STI/HIV panel of tests. My guess is that gaming was not the only thing he was up to on his last trip. 

Be done here. A man who's shopping around for sex with other women is bad news. 

[Jaunty]

Why would you want to stay?

[Capricorn3]

With so many red flags waving about, the last thing I would do is think about proposals/weddings/marriage.  Marriage based on lack of trust and deceit etc, usually fails. Heed the warnings.

[Kwothe28]

I would argue that escort site is worst than dating site. At least with dating site he could just have his profile there and not be successful and not doing anything. With escort site, its literally an app to buy a W. If you use it you are guarantee to have sex as long as you have dough to pay. You dont need much proof when he doesnt even deny that he is there to pay for sex.

If its porn addiction he could have used OnlyFans. Which is a separate issue connected to this but if he wanted he could use that one. But he specifically uses a site where he pays for sex. Not for a pictures of naked ladies, he pays specifically to arrange sex with them. So he is arguably even worst then those OF users. There is no excuse for that. 

[smackie9]

You need to boot this immature brat to the curb. In no way is he stable enough to take on the roll of a husband and father. Porn addiction? oh dear run for the frickin hills!

[TeeDee]

My BF getting so drunk at a gaming convention he was sick for 2 weeks after would have me questioning his relationship with alcohol. 

If you are a gamer too, it would make more sense for you to be invited along to the convention. 

You now know of 2 promises he broke:  1).  using the escort site when he promised not to look at porn because he's trying to end an addiction and 2). last year being the last convention.  He hasn't broken the promise to marry you but all the day shows an intent to break it.  Do you really want to try for the trifecta & see just how long it takes for him to break his marriage vows?  

[MrMan1983]

Grim. Would of thought the escort site would of been an instant kick to the curb scenario in most peoples books.