Emotionally Very Confused...should I (37F) divorce my husband (40M)?

[Whoamiss697]

My husband and I have been married for 10+years now and we have a little daughter of 4yrs. We both have IT jobs and we both overwork at those jobs. It has always been a relationship where he dominates, I am not submissive but since i never put my foot down and standup for my priorities/particularities, we always did what he finds interesting. Eventually i would also like those activities, nothing to complain of.

2years ago we moved to a new country with our daughter. In our home country we had help for all chores and baby care as well. In the new country all chores had to be done by us and also baby care until we found a daycare center for her. Even after the commute to her daycare center was a chore of its own. Long story short, suddenly my husband and me had a whole lot of things on our plates.

Moving to a new country meant we already had no friends or family around + he became super critical of everything about me - my dressing sense, how i walk , how i talk, everything because "we should act more like the locals in the new country to be accepted by them". Also the chores kinds of fell more on me since i was working from home and he had to go to office. All this and some harsh words said on my birthday led to me feeling insufficient, unnoticed and lonely.

About a 9months after the move, I had to travel for work for 2 weeks and on the travel i met someone who kind of understood me instantly. We had carefree quality time away from our families and responsibilities. I got into an emotional affair with him briefly. It was just him flirting and me flirting back. And it continued even after we returned to our families but not as regularly. we used to chat on and off and we both were ok with it since we knew from start that we had families of our own.

This only went on for a month and my husband saw my messages (he had this habit of 'housekeeping' and 'cleaning up' my phone but it was always in front of me. Maybe he got suspicious and checked my phone when i was asleep). Obviously we had a huge meltdown, we both and I admitted to the emotional affair, it took every muscle in my body to convince him that it was NOT physical. I promised i will break it off and i did and i promised I would work on our relationship and i did.

We then start with therapy separately. I was diagnosed with ADHD and he was diagnosed with Narcissistic behavior. Since he found out and through the time we had different therapists, it was hellish for me. He made me cancel all next office trips, understandable. but the last one hit my career really bad. A younger colleague got the promotion i worked for the past 2 years just because she showed up onsite. But it changed nothing for me and my husband. Random and blatant phone and laptop checks. I allowed it. I started a new project with no contact with the other guy, even for work. That project was closer home, so travel was expected for just couple days every month. This was also hellish. Random video call checks to make sure where i was. Multiple calls during evenings and nights to make sure i am alone and not with someone. I was asked to show video of my room. He even used to ask why both sides of the bed was rumpled if i am the only one in the room. I did it all in the hope that it would do good to our relationship and I was even apologetic. but i saw no light at the end of the tunnel. If i was lonely before, it was 100x more now.

My therapist was good for me and understood me and wanted to deal with the loneliness i felt before I even went on the office trip. My husband insisted on knowing what was spoken during my sessions and when he was still not convinced i was telling him everything, he forced me to agree to him going to the same therapist. after that I stopped going to her because he insisted "she is radicalizing me by focusing on me, instead of making me focus on our relationship". I started with a new therapist but did not find that connect, she was very superficial. and i stopped going to her as well.

At one of the monthly 2day onsite visit, on his random video proof calls, I was wearing a top that he dint remember me packing in my bag when i left. hell broke loose. I was alone in my room eating a stale salad from the supermarket. but he insisted i was with someone just because of the top. It was nothing special, just a regular one but he dint notice it while i was packing. He called me 7 times that evening/night....thrice even after i said i was going to sleep. each time I had to put on light and show him on video call that i was alone. I lost sleep the rest of the night. I performed terribly at work next day. I lost that project as well

I snapped. I stopped giving a ***. for the last 10years..... I was the one initiating sex 9 out of 10 times. I stopped that. for 10years i was the one always going back saying sorry after every fight/argument. i rarely do that now. I used to feel sorry for how controlling and suspicious he has become and used to empathize what trauma he must be going through. But i could not do that anymore. He tries to gaslight me into thinking that I not doing enough for the relationship. I feel i was doing everything all alone by myself. But now i dont.

We rarely have sex now....even that has to be initiated by me and it is mostly him cumming. no thoughts given to my physical satisfaction. everytime we have sex he thinks things will magically get back to how they were, but i am simply not able to reset 😞 he says he is improving a lot and now i am the one who is becoming bad and ruining the relationship...and still i cannot bring myself to reset forget and work on picking up the pieces

I know this will seal me into a lifelong 'criminal' role who needs to do everything and anything imposed on them to wash off their sins and he will forever play the victim card. I see on light at the end of the tunnel.

Only thing i am considering is our daughter. She is super attached to her father and has an amazing time with him, whatever little time they get together.

Please please advice me how to work on my relationship without losing myself....or is it even worth saving?

[Kwothe28]

9 minutes ago, Whoamiss697 said:

Random video call checks to make sure where i was. Multiple calls during evenings and nights to make sure i am alone and not with someone. I was asked to show video of my room. He even used to ask why both sides of the bed was rumpled if i am the only one in the room.

This looks more like police state than a marriage.

Anyway I do understand that you felt good during emotional affair. And that he doesnt have trust because of that. But this is just controlling beyond any belief. Which doesnt surprise me considering he is a narcissist. And an abuser. Hence why isolating you is a perfect state for somebody like him. Because abusers take control like that.

There is nothing to work on here except divorce and custody over a kid. This is something that is broken and cant be worked on. 

[bluecastle]

Ooof. So sorry about this. 

I admit I found this very hard to read and to come away seeing a way for you two to thrive together. Remove the emotional affair from this and I'd likely say the same thing, as what would you be describing here? A relationship with someone who substitutes control for trust, leaving you feeling immensely lonely and often on edge. That was the state of things before the affair, by the sounds of it, and a big reason the affair took hold. It's also something that he seems unwilling and unable to face—namely, that he too has played a major, and arguably greater, role in corroding the relationship. 

My advice, moving forward, would be to tell your husband clearly—and calmly—that you are at the end of your rope. Add that given the vows you took, your daughter, and ostensibly the sincere love you once shared, you are insisting on 6 months of couple's therapy to see if there is a path forward together. If he agrees to that—okay, that allows you to know you are doing everything in your capacity to see about a moonshot of a resolution, and you can reassess things in 6 months. If he doesn't—you'll know it's time to talk to a lawyer.

I offer that advice, in the name of transparency, less as a way of saving your marriage than as a salve for your own spirit, to lessen the guilt. Should things end in divorce, you will know you tried everything. You can explain this to your daughter down the line, when she invariably asks more probing questions as she enters adulthood. 

One more thing: While I understand how much it must devastate you to think of how divorce will affect your daughter, to my ears what you've described here—her being witness to this relationship, as it currently exists—would be far more damaging. 

[boltnrun]

Narcissists never admit to wrongdoing and never consent to "change" because they know, beyond all shadow of doubt, that they have never done anything wrong and they don't need to change because they're perfect. To them, any problems are the cause of others, never them. 

It's up to you if you want your child to grow up in such a household. And yes, she is too aware of what's going on no matter how much you believe you're hiding it from her. 

[DarkCh0c0]

2 hours ago, Whoamiss697 said:

he was diagnosed with Narcissistic behavior

Well, that's about it. All his behaviour in line with that. He is controlling you, enjoys seeing you suffer so he feels better about himself, likes putting you down, doesn't like seeing you thrive at work, and so forth. You're his punching bag basically.

It was hard for me too to read all what you've written. 

2 hours ago, Whoamiss697 said:

Please please advice me how to work on my relationship without losing myself....or is it even worth saving?

There is nothing to work on. He is who he is, and you're going to make your mental and physical health worse by staying with him. Same for your daughter. He is a narcissist, and narcissists don't change. They LOVE themselves above everyone else and they think they are always right. They use their charm to trick people into thinking they are so nice, but anyone who knows them truly behind closed doors knows their true colours.

I also note that couple's therapy is not good for abusive relationships. I encourage you read about signs of emotionally manipulative and abusive relationships to truly see how this applies to you too.

Since he has not put your needs first (safety, health, privacy, emotional connection, ect.), then you need to do it for yourself. And your emotional affair was a sign of him not meeting any of those needs. And it's okay. It's all done and gone. We are human, and considering your difficult situation, I personally understand the slip-up.

Are you willing to consider a private exit plan? A plan that is private to you and to which he'd have no access to via your phone? Something smart. Would you be willing to speak confidentially to a couple of lawyers about your options as a first baby step?

I hope you've created this post privately and he has no access to it because he can manipulatively use it against you.

Note: your daughter might not understand now, but when she grows up, she eventually will do so. You are the adult here, so your job is to take care of you and her, and that means divorce and custody in your situation to give her a healthier environment to grow in. 

I'm sorry you've been through all of this. I wish you well. You are worthy of healthy and kind love 🩷

[smackie9]

Narcissists are very difficult people to be with. Even without the affair things were not great. Having the affair showed that. You are deprived of affection, fair partnership, support and acknowledgment. He’s going to punish you forever. Narcissists never forgive when wronged. Even tho your daughter loves him to bits, she sees and will continue to see how he treats you and quite possibly get caught up into his treatment of you imposed onto her when she’s older. Narcissists are dangerous people. They are very manipulative. He’s going to do everything in his power to make you look bad to her. Whether you stay or leave, you will be in for the fight of your life. Get a good lawyer. 

[boltnrun]

21 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

couple's therapy is not good for abusive relationships.

Completely true. It's not only not a good idea, it's actually horribly bad for abuse victims. They get "punished" for anything they say in couples therapy. 

[lostandhurt]

Many times on this forum we read threads like yours where some of us read through the words waiting for the shoe to drop that they had "met someone" and now are rethinking their marriage/relationship. In your case I am sure it showed you that you can be happy and feel good about yourself but the emotional affair did not bring on the demise of your marriage. 

 I agree with bluecastle (like usual) that couples therapy is a great idea and who knows may wake your husband up to what he is putting you through.  Many times I see people offer the advice  to dump them/divorce them which is easy to say but in reality is much harder to do emotionally.  You are married and have a child together and even  though it doesn't feel like it now were once in love and happy. 

 Therapy can help you both come to terms with the end of the marriage if it comes to that and it will help you not have any regrets once the choice is made one way or another. 

People can change if they accept what they are and want to change. Your husband could become a great guy but unfortunately that kind of change only happens after someone loses everything.

 There is no rush but you need to start moving in the direction of some sort of resolution.  Simply enduring this for your daughter is not a solution and is in fact showing her this is what a relationship is like and she will imprint on it.

Keep posting it will help as you write it all out.

Lost

[Andrina]

I highly recommend you try to convince your husband now to move back to your home country before any talk of divorce happens. There are usually legal issues to contend with after a divorce and if one wants to move a particular distance away with a child, which the other parent might bar.

You don't want to be stuck living in a place with an emotionally abusive ex without the local support of family and friends. You'll likely also need more child-care support from family after a divorce. Even make up things now if you have to, like you think you and he can work on your marriage better when relatives can babysit while you two have date nights. If a temporary ruse gets you back to your own country for the sake of you and your daughter, so be it. As another poster said, the reason he probably wanted to move away from your relatives is to isolate you, as controllers do. 

I'm sorry this has happened. If he plays the victim card later, try to have him meet with a mediator with you and in advance, ask the mediator to reiterate that for the good of your daughter, neither parent will badmouth each other or gossip. Take care.

[lostandhurt]

11 minutes ago, Andrina said:

I highly recommend you try to convince your husband now to move back to your home country before any talk of divorce happens. There are usually legal issues to contend with after a divorce and if one wants to move a particular distance away with a child, which the other parent might bar.

Excellent advice.

[ShySoul]

He's not worth it. As attached as you might be and as many good qualities as you might be able to find in him, the consistent theme here is his trying to control you and make you feel guilty for it. He criticizes you for how you look and act because fitting in is more important then valuing the person you are. He monitors your phone and computer. He's forced you into things that have hurt your career. He feels the need to video monitor your surroundings. He orders you to see specific therapists then accuses her of "radicalizing" you. Even sex is all about him.

That's not a husband. That's an abuser and jailer with this relationship as your prison.

You are not the criminal here, he is. He isn't the victim, you are. 

You say you are thinking of your daughter. What happens when she gets older and he starts this controlling behavior with her? Do you want her growing up in a house where her every act is monitored and dictated to her? For both of you sakes, getting away would be best long term.

Is there anyone nearby that could help while you get on you feet? A friend you've made? Maybe an organization that helps women in abusive situations? 

[LootieTootie]

I am so sorry you are dealing with this and in another country! I totally think you need to try and take your daughter and just run.

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, LootieTootie said:

I am so sorry you are dealing with this and in another country! I totally think you need to try and take your daughter and just run.

Legally I don't think that's a good idea. Getting accused of kidnapping could result in you losing custody of your child. And being a fugitive isn't a secure way to live.