I can't stand being around my husband

[crazyheart22]

I have been married for over 8 years to my husband. He is getting really hard to be around... everything makes him angry. He owns a landscaping business and everything about it brings stress to our marriage. Any conversation I try and have with him makes him go off the handle. He either talks to me with an attitude or it turns into yelling. But it's not even just the business.

Anything having to do with my family makes him go off the hinge. Anytime we are with my family, he has an attitude or any time I am on the phone with one of them, he is annoyed. It is to the point where I try and make all of my personal phone calls to and from work in my car. I've even turned down going to family events because I can't enjoy myself always having to worry about his mood while we are there.

I find myself not sharing information with him because I know it will just annoy him and set him off. I don't want to hide things or purposely not share information, but I do it because it protects my own energy. 

I hate to admit it, but I get excited when I get home from work and he is still out working, or if he has to work on the weekends. It gives me a break from the negative energy and I can relax a little bit. Unfortunately, I am not happy with my current job (working on looking for a new one), so when I am at work, I am unhappy, and when I am at home, I am unhappy. There is no place for me to go where I feel happy these days. 

I don't want to end my marriage, necessarily, but it's getting hard being around my husband and walking on eggshells with what I tell him. We have tried counseling and that didn't get us very far. I'm just trying to think what I can do to fix this. I have shared with him that the way he talks to me isn't very nice. Sometimes he catches himself and apologizes, but it's just exhausting trying to have conversations with him anymore. 

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, crazyheart22 said:

.Anything having to do with my family makes him go off the hinge. Anytime we are with my family, he has an attitude or any time I am on the phone with one of them, he is annoyed. It is to the point where I try and make all of my personal phone calls to and from work in my car. I've even turned down going to family events because I can't enjoy myself always having to worry about his mood while we are there.

 We have tried counseling and that didn't get us very far. I'm just trying to think what I can do to fix this. I have shared with him that the way he talks to me isn't very nice. 

Sorry this is happening. What does your family think of him and his attitude? Can you visit them privately and confidentiality explain what is going on and how he treats you?

Are there other issues in the marriage such as finances, children, household chores? What was marriage therapy for? 

Does he have issues with health or bad habits such as drinking? Please stop trying to fix him. Instead go to therapy privately and confidentiality for advice information and support. 

[Lambert]

I think if you can stand up to his bad attitude and let him know he's an adult that is responsible for how he treats his wife, you really need to ask yourself why are you in this? 

[crazyheart22]

32 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. What does your family think of him and his attitude? Can you visit them privately and confidentiality explain what is going on and how he treats you?

Are there other issues in the marriage such as finances, children, household chores? What was marriage therapy for? 

Does he have issues with health or bad habits such as drinking? Please stop trying to fix him. Instead go to therapy privately and confidentiality for advice information and support. 

They haven't said anything about it, but I wouldn't expect them to. They aren't good at confronting others. I would have to guess that it is noticeable, but they would never say anything.

As far as the other issues, yes... all of the above. Marriage therapy was to address all of these things and how we don't get along. 

Health.. yes, he is largely overweight which prevents us from having sex, so between the weight and lack of sex, that probably contributes to the anger too.

[crazyheart22]

4 minutes ago, Lambert said:

I think if you can stand up to his bad attitude and let him know he's an adult that is responsible for how he treats his wife, you really need to ask yourself why are you in this? 

I'm not really sure what you mean

[lostandhurt]

You tried counseling and didn't get far probably because of his internal anger at what sounds like everything around him.  He is angry all the time for some reason.  Couples counseling will do nothing until he seeks out a therapist to help him deal with his embedded anger.  I have seen this with friends that were once happy go lucky and a joy to be around then they fell into the negative drumbeat of politics and became mad at virtually everything.  Their health went downhill, they got mad easily, they were no longer a joy to be around and like you it was very hard to have a conversation because it turned into them being angry about something....anything.  It was almost like they wanted to be angry.

  You are reaching the end of your rope and your husband is not listening so I have an idea that will do two things.  Write him a heartfelt letter.  An actual hand written letter and pour your fears and worries into it about all of this and how you don't see OUR marriage surviving if he doesn't seek help with the anger That Has Taken Over His Life.  Don't threaten divorce, just phrase it like you don't want our marriage to end because of all this anger. 

The first thing this does it allows you the release of all this that you cannot say in person because he blows up.  The second thing is he sees your words written to him and can read them over and over again which makes it very real and unavoidable.

He definitely has something eating at him or has built up within him over the years to the point it has affected everything in his life. Marriage, work, family and his health.

 There comes a point where you run out of the will to try any longer so lay it all out on the table and he will show you if he wants to save the marriage or not.  Ultimately he will decide by his actions or inaction. 

Keep posting it helps

Lost

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, crazyheart22 said:

He owns a landscaping business and everything about it brings stress to our marriage.

Does he treat his customers and employees this way too? I bet not. Do you have kids? I'd call it a day at some point -he doesn't seem to want to change his behavior.

[Andrina]

If you communicating with him didn't work, and he obviously didn't make any effort according to what the counselor said, then there's nothing left to try unless you come across a genie in a bottle or a magic wand.

I divorced my ex husband after a very long marriage. His depression was the sort where he expressed it in anger. Antidepressants worked for a time until he stopped taking them. He felt the counselor was always on my side and crossed his arms as though he were being attacked. I found a happier new chapter in life when I divorced him and got to a good place in life, eventually finding a better life partner.

Take care and keep us updated.

[rainbowsandroses]

9 hours ago, crazyheart22 said:

I don't want to end my marriage, necessarily...

^May I ask why not?  This is not a rhetorical question.

There is literally not one kind or positive thing written about him or your marriage in any of your posts. 

I was going to ask how the physical intimacy was hoping that was at least decent but then read there has not been any sexual intimacy in however long, you didn't specify only that there isn't any.

So what keeps you there?  I assume you do not have children since you didn't mention any. 

You have the certificate but I would not even consider this a marriage at this point.  More like roommates who can't stand and annoy each other.

9 hours ago, crazyheart22 said:

I hate to admit it, but I get excited when I get home from work and he is still out working, or if he has to work on the weekends.

There is no reason to 'hate' to admit this^. Any person who prefers being treated with kindness and respect would understand your feelings.

Seriously @crazyheart22when it gets so bad you feel better and more excited when he's gone, it's time to call it a day. 

I divorced my ex-husband after one year of marriage, there is nothing to be embarrassed about or feel shame for if that's your reasoning for remaining.

Please ask yourself what keeps you there.  Introspect about it.   He and your marriage sound utterly miserable.

Please take care of YOU.

Be happy.

 

 

 

[MissCanuck]

What are you getting out of your marriage at this point? 

[Capricorn3]

Sounds like he needs some serious anger management.  To my mind, when things get to a point where you can't stand the sight or company of your partner anymore, then it's time to leave.

[Sam1986]

Have you had an honest conversation with him about this? You mention that you are to some extent avoiding to mention things to him from your everyday life, but do you shy away from the big discussion as well? If you haven't, then this needs to be brought up. Maybe he flies off the handle, maybe he doesnt, but you owe it to both of you to bring it up properly (if you havent yet).

[redswim30]

On 5/12/2024 at 8:50 AM, crazyheart22 said:

rriage, necessarily, but it's getting hard being around my husband and walking on eggshells with what I tell him. We have tried counseling and that didn't get us very far. I'm just trying to think what I can do to fix this. I have shared with him that the way he talks to me isn't very nice. Sometimes he catches himself and apologizes, but it's just exhausting trying to have conversations with him anymore. 

OP, 

Why don't you want your marriage to end when you admit you are much happier when he is not around? Why don't you want to marriage to end when you say you cannot even maintain any sense of normalcy with your family and him?

There's NOTHING you can do to fix HIM.  NOTHING.  No amount of talking, asking, begging, pleading or sacrificing your Well-being and happiness is going to make your husband not have anger issues and personal problems that he is refusing to address. 

It's exhausting because he's not invested in changing.   You are firmly stuck in an abuse cycle.  

If I were you, I'd start looking into divorce.  But if you aren't ready for that step-  At least start with personal therapy AND start picturing a life without him.  What would that look like?   More importantly, how does it make you feel?  If it makes you feel wonderful, then I think you ought to strongly at least consider a trial separation.  

We can't make people into who we want them to be.  Believe me, I was in your shoes in my first marriage.  We convince ourselves it "could work" if only A, B, C, D.  But you cannot make someone love you, respect you or treat you how you feel you need to be treated- and if they cannot give you that, or even worse decide to be abusive- that's not a marriage.  It's an abusive dictatorship.  You need to decide if that's how you want to live the rest of your life.  Nothing is going to magically change. 

 

[Lambert]

On 5/12/2024 at 10:53 AM, crazyheart22 said:

I'm not really sure what you mean

My point is- if your husband is treating you poorly and refuses to change, why would you stay married to him? 

 

[TeeDee]

On 5/12/2024 at 9:50 AM, crazyheart22 said:

I don't want to end my marriage, 

Why not?  Do you really think that being divorced would be more miserable then you are right now?