Texting anxiety making me feel lonely

[Confused889]

I have been dating my partner for a year and half now. When we are together, things are great. We have never fallen out, argued etc.

 

But it's the times between meeting up that is truly starting to destroy me.

 

I don't understand why there is such a delay in texts. Sometimes I don't hear from him until the evening, when I have text him early in the morning. I know he is not at work and there's no way he hasn't looked at his phone for hours and hours. 

 

I feel ignored and lonely a lot of the time

 

I'm sure this question comes up time and time again from other members. I really just want to hear it for myself and to write my own experience. I appreciate all answers.

 

I'm I crazy for thinking this way? 

If you need me to elaborate on anything, please ask too

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, Confused889 said:

I have been dating my partner for a year and half now. When we are together, things are great. 

But it's the times between meeting up that is truly starting to destroy me I feel ignored and lonely a lot of the time

Sorry this is happening. Is this a distance situation? How often do you see each other? How the relationship and communication otherwise? Was he ever a big texter? 

Are you worried there's someone else or that you have to text-tether him or keep tabs?

Why not set aside a specific time to catch up evenings rather than random texts? 

[Confused889]

Hi, thank you for your reply. We live fairly close, it's about a 10 minute drive away and we see each other 1-2 times a week for a few hours.

He definitely texted much more in the beginning but the long delays have been happening for about a year now. 

I hate how it makes me feel this way.

I feel like I'm not a priority. I'm not even a needy person and I enjoy my own space but when it's like this, it doesn't feel like a real relationship.

I do sometimes worry if there's someone else or if he's bored of me

 

[Batya33]

50 minutes ago, Confused889 said:

Hi, thank you for your reply. We live fairly close, it's about a 10 minute drive away and we see each other 1-2 times a week for a few hours.

He definitely texted much more in the beginning but the long delays have been happening for about a year now. 

I hate how it makes me feel this way.

I feel like I'm not a priority. I'm not even a needy person and I enjoy my own space but when it's like this, it doesn't feel like a real relationship.

I do sometimes worry if there's someone else or if he's bored of me

 

Why don't you see each other more often?

[Confused889]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Why don't you see each other more often?

I would like to, but it just doesn't seem to happen. 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Confused889 said:

I would like to, but it just doesn't seem to happen. 

What do you mean - what do you do to see him more often?

[Confused889]

15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

What do you mean - what do you do to see him more often?

I leave it a few days and then ask to meet up or either he asks me. It's the way it's always been. I'm considering asking if meeting on particular days a week might help with some consistency 

[TeeDee]

You have been brainwashed into thinking that texts matter & that everyone deserves an instant response about everything.   That is simply not true.   Just because we have technology to enable us to be in touch 24/7/365 doesn't mean we have an obligation to remain tethered to the other person that much.  

Your SO is responding to you at his earliest convenience.  People have lives & jobs.  Unless it's time sensitive matter, you will just have to wait.  There is a reason they say patience is a virtue.  We all need to be more patient. 

If you are lonely get a hobby.  Don't lay that on your SO. 

You can ask nicely if your SO can drop you a line on their lunch break but don't make it a demand or the reason you break up with them. 

Since you would like to see him more, take the initiative & arrange more dates in any given week.  

[Confused889]

6 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

You have been brainwashed into thinking that texts matter & that everyone deserves an instant response about everything.   That is simply not true.   Just because we have technology to enable us to be in touch 24/7/365 doesn't mean we have an obligation to remain tethered to the other person that much.  

Your SO is responding to you at his earliest convenience.  People have lives & jobs.  Unless it's time sensitive matter, you will just have to wait.  There is a reason they say patience is a virtue.  We all need to be more patient. 

If you are lonely get a hobby.  Don't lay that on your SO. 

You can ask nicely if your SO can drop you a line on their lunch break but don't make it a demand or the reason you break up with them. 

Since you would like to see him more, take the initiative & arrange more dates in any given week.  

Hi teedee,

Thank you for your reply.

I think that was the brutal honesty I needed.

I do know that texting isn't everything. I fully understand that. 

It still makes me feel ignored though. I'm only trying to connect to him throughout the day a little more but I'm not getting much of a response back.

I'm just struggling with it lately and I'm unsure if I can do anything about it

[TeeDee]

You can talk to him & express what you would like.  Growing up my mom stayed home & my dad worked.  He would call her on a landline telephone mounted to the wall & his lunch time.  Years later when he worked days & she worked nights she would call him at "dinner time."  I'm not suggesting there is anything wrong with staying in touch but you have to be reasonable.  

IMO you will be better served pressing for more togetherness rather than more or more frequent texts. But you can ask for a little check in.  What I don't think you should do is pitch a fit if he doesn't constantly reassure you.  

[smackie9]

Honest communication with him is your answer. If he's just that, too busy, and doesn't really have the time, then you two have different expectations/ incompatible. Have to talk this out and discover if there can be changes and if not, then a decision has to be made. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Confused889 said:

. It still makes me feel ignored though. I'm only trying to connect to him throughout the day a little more but I'm not getting much of a response back.

I'm just struggling with it lately and I'm unsure if I can do anything about it

Unfortunately it seems like you're worried that he's tiptoeing out of the relationship. That could be true since he's making less effort to see you as well as communicate with you. 

[Andrina]

Seems like a stagnant relationship where you two don't have a strong, growing, emotional connection. How old are you two? Do you both work regular hours, 40-hour weeks? Are either of you in college? Do you ever get together with other couples or group friends? What do you each do when you're not together for a social life? Has he spoken of any future plans with you? 

What does he do to make you feel special? Would he come to your aid, bringing you medicine if you're sick, or helping you if your car broke down? Have you met his friends and family? Do you two have fun when you're together or does it seem stale? Just trying to get a feel for what the rest of your partnership is like.

[Confused889]

4 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Seems like a stagnant relationship where you two don't have a strong, growing, emotional connection. How old are you two? Do you both work regular hours, 40-hour weeks? Are either of you in college? Do you ever get together with other couples or group friends? What do you each do when you're not together for a social life? Has he spoken of any future plans with you? 

What does he do to make you feel special? Would he come to your aid, bringing you medicine if you're sick, or helping you if your car broke down? Have you met his friends and family? Do you two have fun when you're together or does it seem stale? Just trying to get a feel for what the rest of your partnership is like.

Hi Andrina, 

Thank you for your reply and I shall answer all your questions here

We are 36 and 38.

I work full time and he works part time.

We do on occasion get together with friends although we are both introverted and so it's not a huge priority to be around a lot of people all the time.

When we are not together, he has hobbies like video games and painting miniatures. I work long hours and I relax at home or go visit a friend.

As for future plans, yes we talk about going places and we just came back from a short holiday a few weeks ago. We haven't talked much about future plans together as such although he knows my views on marriage and children which I do not want. 

And all the answers to the questions in your second paragraph are yes! He is incredibly good to me and we do have fun together.

It's the inconsistent texting that is driving me bats and makes me feel like he doesn't want to bother with me when we are apart.

[Confused889]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately it seems like you're worried that he's tiptoeing out of the relationship. That could be true since he's making less effort to see you as well as communicate with you. 

Unfortunately yes, this is a big worry of mine

[Andrina]

Why does he only work part time at his age? Life is expensive. If this continued on for eternity, are you okay with him working only part time? Does he ever have you spend the night? Merely guessing from what you've written, perhaps he needs more solo time than the average person.

If his lack of full time work doesn't give you pause and you want to move to the next level, why not suggest you two spend 2 or 3 days together at a time at his or your place and see how that plays out? You might gain some valuable info by doing that. If he balks at that, perhaps that's another signal he's coasting along. Perhaps too cowardly to break up, or maybe he's happy keeping the contact minimal.

Most relationships I know of, including myself, tend to have one introvert and one extrovert. To me, it seems that each pull the best from one another, and each brings differences from their worlds to fill a part of themselves that might've never been explored, otherwise. I'm not saying 2 introverts shouldn't be coupled, but sometimes that sameness makes things more difficult and it might take longer to achieve an optimum closeness.

22 minutes ago, Confused889 said:

It's the inconsistent texting that is driving me bats and makes me feel like he doesn't want to bother with me when we are apart.

What has he said in answer to you communicating this? And if you haven't, then being afraid to address it for fear of losing him, your foundation with him is likely built on sea sand and not concrete. 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Confused889 said:

I leave it a few days and then ask to meet up or either he asks me. It's the way it's always been. I'm considering asking if meeting on particular days a week might help with some consistency 

But you're not happy with the way it always has been.  Instead of considering -why not just ask? And if  you think the answer will be no and feed your worries -that is your answer too. Do you see yourself being with him long term?

[rainbowsandroses]

7 hours ago, Confused889 said:

We live fairly close, it's about a 10 minute drive away and we see each other 1-2 times a week for a few hours.

The texting or lack thereof would not bother me but this^^ would.  1-2 times a week for a few hours?  Do you ever spend the night together, what about weekends?  Have you ever taken a short vacay together? 

What do you do on these abbreviated dates?

Apologies for all the questions, but at first blush he strikes me as a man who requires A LOT of space and distance in a relationship or at least in your relationship.  

JMO but I don't believe arranging more dates and/or asking him to spend more time would help because frankly if he wanted to spend more time with you, he would be.  Plus, would you really want him spending more time with you because you had to ask?  Kinda defeats the purpose imo.

If me I would seriously reconsider remaining in this relationship. 

Extreme differences of wants/needs with respect to how much togetherness/distance a couple needs in a relationship to be happy is a huge indicator of incompatibility.

You could probably adjust to his texting style however what you need with regard to time spent together and what HE needs appear to be two entirely different things.

Unless you can accept what appears to be a rather distant relationship (emotionally) with no forward movement, if me I would move on....

I'm sorry, not what you wanted to hear I am sure but after 1.5 years, he seems happy with the status quo and I don't envision this ever changing.

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

The texting or lack thereof would not bother me but this^^ would.  1-2 times a week for a few hours?  Do you ever spend the night together, what about weekends?  Have you taken a short vacay together? 

What do you do on these abbreviated dates?

Apologies for all the questions, but at first blush he strikes me as a man who requires A LOT of space and distance in a relationship or at least in your relationship.  

JMO but I don't believe asking him to spend more time would help because frankly if he wanted to spend more time with you, he would be.  Plus, would you really want him spending more time with you because you had to ask?  Kinda defeats the purpose imo.

If me I would seriously reconsider remaining in this relationship. 

Extreme differences of opinions and needs with respect to how much togetherness/distance a couple needs in a relationship to be happy is a huge indicator of incompatibility.

You could probably adjust to his texting style however what you need with regard to time spent together and what HE needs appear to be two entirely different things.

Unless you can accept what appears to be a rather distant relationship (emotionally), if me I would move on....

I'm sorry, not what you wanted to hear I am sure but after 1.5 years, he seems happy with the status quo and I don't envision this ever changing.

I agree and I suspect that is why she's not asking.  The only time that worked fine for me was at a short time in my life when I was happy just to date people casually.  I met a guy who was kind, smart, fun and had nice friends.  For 6 months we saw each other typically one evening a week and the last month or so more like twice a week.  We both realized it wasn't going anywhere and we "broke up" amicably.  Back then only landlines so we spoke once or twice a week (not even e-mail - 1994!) and one time he called me from his business trip in Berlin -long distance! -and I was so excited he thought of me - but it worked because neither of us was that into the other- we just had fun going on dates and it never progressed.  To me that's the only way this sort of arrangement works -when neither is focused on getting more serious.  You are OP and you're focusing on the texting when the real issue is he doesn't want to share his life with you/invite you into more of his life.  I'd exit.  

[yogacat]

4 hours ago, Confused889 said:

He is incredibly good to me and we do have fun together.

It's the inconsistent texting that is driving me bats and makes me feel like he doesn't want to bother with me when we are apart.

For some couples, only getting together 1-2 times a week may not be sufficient, but for me it would be fine.

I value my alone time and having the occasional sleepover or trip together is enough for me.

Perhaps if you reduced the amount of texting so he doesn’t expect as much communication from you, he might feel motivated to reach out to you more often. You could also say something like, “Hey, I really miss when you would text me goodnight or good morning.”

That’s the point of relationships to be able to talk to your partner...

[catfeeder]

9 hours ago, Confused889 said:

...the long delays have been happening for about a year now. 

And how does he respond when you raise this issue with him?

 

9 hours ago, Confused889 said:

... for a year and half now. ...We have never fallen out, argued etc.

Even the most successful couples fight sometimes. I wonder if you don't share the kind of intimacy that could rock-the-boat? You've been tip-toeing around this issue for a year, and you only see one another twice a week--none of this sounds very open, invested and intimate to me.

[Jaunty]

After 1.5 years together, is seeing each other 1 - 2 times per week for a few hours enough for you?

I myself am an independent type who loves to be alone but when I was dating and met the person I wanted to think of as "my partner," I also wanted to share a lot more of life with them.  

I'm not sure how that minimal of contact is enough to really stick a couple of people together.  It seems like, over time, the intimacy (not talking about sex here) needs to grow or the people just drift apart.

Is your only feeling of lack regarding the texting frequency?  

[MissCanuck]

It sounds like you already know he isn't as into this as you are (or at least, not in a way that's fulfilling for you), and that is why you don't really ask about it. You already know this is enough for him and it won't likely change. 

You can speak to him about it but my guess is you're going to find that this is just who he is and he doesn't really want more "together-ness." 

I also wonder why he only works part-time at his age. Does he make enough to support himself? 

[sheera]

When you catch yourself thinking negatively about texting or worrying about how others perceive your messages, challenge those thoughts. Remind yourself that everyone has their own communication style and that it's okay to be yourself.