Is my boyfriend ashamed of me in public or am I overreacting ?

[emillyy32]

Hi this may be a long confession but I need f help. I have been having more and more problems lately and don't know what to do anymore. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for two years, we still live apart and so far it has never bothered me, we each have jobs and our own lives, of course we also have friends in common and so far I thought I was happy. But recently I have noticed more and more things that make me wonder, and my insecurities are confirmed by my friends.I mean how we behave in public, don't get me wrong I don't like hanging on my boyfriend like a koala but sometimes I feel like we look more like friends and not a couple. I'm usually the one who grabs his hand, sometimes I only hold him by one finger because I can't grab his whole hand. He often leans away from me, we don't often hug, in photos we stand next to each other because he doesn't put his arm around my waist, I hold his shoulders most of a time, he rarely smiles and recently I have noticed that in photos together we lean away from each other. Last time we danced together we jumped more next to each other, he leaned over when I said something, but there were couples dancing with each other or holding each other close and he did nothing, only sometimes he pointed his finger at me and sang the words of the song, I didn't pay attention to it but again I have the impression that this is another time we are dancing next to each other and not with each other.Something I've been thinking about recently is his work parties. He has company parties with his boss that he never takes me to, I found out from a friend who date his work friend that a lot of girlfriends and wives go to these parties it's kind of like a banquet and there's no ban on bringing partners. The only thing I've been to with him is parties after such gatherings somewhere in a club, never official. I don't know if I'm overreacting or if he's afraid to get involved, I've tried talking to him but he doesn't see the problem. I would just like to add that I met his parents once and he met mine too, but we spent Christmas apart, some of his friends follow me on Instagram and some don't, we don't often take photos together because we rarely do them, and he doesn't use Instagram I post but not he, so I add photos where you can see him somewhere. My friends say that we rarely look like a couple, and if we do, it's like we're always angry with each other, I know nobody smiles from ear to ear, but lately I've also noticed that we're kind of artificial and for show. One last thing , sorry I still remembered this a month ago I invited his friends( I know them, we meet) on instagram, I have fallow them but they don't fallow me back. I haven't heard anything back from them for over a month and no one has said anything. I figured maybe they didn't like me. I don't know if I am analysing too much but I have been having a lot of problems lately and I have my doubts. I wonder if he's ashamed of me, I haven't given him any reason to be, and when I ask if something happened he doesn't say anything.When we go on vacation it's usually in a big group, we usually go out with friends, we rarely go just the two of us, but sometimes he stays at my house so I don't know if I'm exaggerating Has anyone had a similar situation? please help me, I feel that I am stuck and no longer know what to do, feels that we have come to a standstill and do not know how to move.

[Andrina]

Can I ask why you even wish to continue since you don't enjoy his company?

He's not affectionate. Your involvement in his life is stagnant at perhaps what might be normal at the four month mark in dating. Your reasonable requests of things that would make you happy were pooh-poohed. Isn't that a sign he doesn't care about you the way your SO should?

For women, having sex is said to have a biological effect that'll have you wanting to bond with a man, even if he's not an appropriate partner. Could that be the reason you're wanting to keep him, plus perhaps you feel like you've invested 2 years of your life into him?

If so, those are not good reasons to stay with someone leagues below what you deserve. Why not free yourself and stay single a while to mourn, heal, and move on? With this dating experience under your belt, you will have learned more about your must-haves and dealbreakers, which will help you in any future dating experiences. Take care.

[Jaunty]

Whatever you decide, you will need to make some changes.  Either accept this "sort of" bf/gf situation as it is, or say goodbye.  Free yourself up for a relationship that is going to give you what you need and want out of it.  

Honestly I don't think you can become "okay" with this, and I don't see it changing.   It really seems to be solidly in place as a pretty loose attachment.   

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, emillyy32 said:

 , I've tried talking to him but he doesn't see the problem. I would just like to add that I met his parents once and he met mine too, but we spent Christmas apart,  we go on vacation it's usually in a big group, we usually go out with friends, we rarely go just the two of us, but sometimes he stays at my house 

Sorry this is happening. How is your relationship and intimacy overall?

Please don't worry about pictures and what friends think or if his friends following you on social media.Trust your instincts. He seems to be compartmentalizing his life quite a bit as far as work, family and friends. 

He also doesn't seem to be into  public displays of affection as much as you are but please don't jump to the conclusion that he's ashamed of you. This is his problem and a relationship problem, not a self esteem problem.

Do you two plan fun dates together? Why is just hanging out at your place? Unfortunately the relationship seems stale, in a rut and perhaps could use some tending but please focus more on the inner quality than social media pics and friends. 

You've already talked at him about to no avail but it's time for you to take action and start planning fun in person things one-on-one. 

[Batya33]

Just ask him.  Or use I statements "I feel badly when you don't invite me to work functions." "I feel badly when you don't want to be in a photo with me"

Is it possible he's also dating someone else  so he doesn't want couple photos?

[Coily]

Is this new behavior with your BF, or is it just starting to get to you?

Some people are just not comfortable with any public displays of affection. It's their outward facing personality. Also some people aren't demonstrable with their affections at all. It's not that they are ashamed, or anything like that; but it's their personality.

As to the work get togethers, me personally, I wouldn't bring my GF to one of those functions. I want the time I spend with her to be an escape from duties, not dragging work drama into the relationship. Or having to worry about Handsy from HR making a pass at her and Handsy passing it off as drinking a little much.

Also not wanting public displays isn't a "problem" it's a preference. One that you both have to agree on.

What's more important is you both reach an understanding on your mutual expectations for the relationship. Or if you want to continue it over a basic incompatibility.

[emillyy32]

2 hours ago, Coily said:

Is this new behavior with your BF, or is it just starting to get to you?

Some people are just not comfortable with any public displays of affection. It's their outward facing personality. Also some people aren't demonstrable with their affections at all. It's not that they are ashamed, or anything like that; but it's their personality.

Also not wanting public displays isn't a "problem" it's a preference. One that you both have to agree on.

I just don't know anymore if this display of affection is his preference or not.
I talked to our one mutual friend, she has known him longer and met his exs, from her I learned that he had no problem holding hands or kissing in public before. She herself doesn't know why he changed, he didn't tell her anything, but maybe it's because she is also my friend

[emillyy32]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you two plan fun dates together? Why is just hanging out at your place? Unfortunately the relationship seems stale, in a rut and perhaps could use some tending but please focus more on the inner quality than social media pics and friends. 

You've already talked at him about to no avail but it's time for you to take action and start planning fun in person things one-on-one. 

We usually only go out together, almost always to restaurants, sometimes to clubs but that's with friends.
We were on one vacation but with a large group of people so it was more of a group vacation, not much time for each other.
I suggested a few times cinema or theater and we even went. Neither of us likes nature too much so hiking is out.
We usually go to restaurants because that's what he agrees to

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, emillyy32 said:

We usually only go out together, almost always to restaurants, sometimes to clubs but that's with friends.
We were on one vacation but with a large group of people so it was more of a group vacation, not much time for each other.
I suggested a few times cinema or theater and we even went. Neither of us likes nature too much so hiking is out.
We usually go to restaurants because that's what he agrees to

How often do you do "what he agrees to?" Are you in the same industry or field? Do you take him to  your work events? It is individual - for me it would have been a total dealbreaker if my boyfriend didn't invite me to his work events unless he had a good reason like he had professional concerns aside from being seen there with me - if it was a couples kind of thing then I'd want to know why.

[LootieTootie]

9 hours ago, emillyy32 said:

 But recently I have noticed more and more things that make me wonder, and my insecurities are confirmed by my friends.

Clearly you arent happy and your friends validate your feelings. However, I think you need to not be influenced by your friends' opinions. You need to think for yourself. If this relationship isn't working for you, speak up. If he isn't listening or dismissing you and not working towards a mutual resolution, then don't waste another minute of your life on someone who isn't filling your cup.

[Jaunty]

5 hours ago, emillyy32 said:

I just don't know anymore if this display of affection is his preference or not.
I talked to our one mutual friend, she has known him longer and met his exs, from her I learned that he had no problem holding hands or kissing in public before. She herself doesn't know why he changed, he didn't tell her anything, but maybe it's because she is also my friend

I do think that your inclusion of what other people think about your relationship - besides here, you mentioned in your op that they've told you that you don't look like a couple and that you look angry - is not helping anything.  

Why do you care what they think you two "look like" together, and why do you care about how you look in photographs?  

I think you have plenty of information about your relationship and how he feels about it through your own personal experience. 

What do you think?

[smackie9]

When the behavior is bad towards you, you don't try and fix it, you end the relationship because it's not right. You deserve better, so move on and find better. 

[Coily]

22 hours ago, emillyy32 said:

I just don't know anymore if this display of affection is his preference or not.
I talked to our one mutual friend, she has known him longer and met his exs, from her I learned that he had no problem holding hands or kissing in public before. She herself doesn't know why he changed, he didn't tell her anything, but maybe it's because she is also my friend

Has something changed for him? People can change in how they express themselves publicly. You know him far better than we do, I think the best course is to write down how this makes you feel, reflect on it and think od some solutions. Then have a discussion, without accusation; as that will put him on the defensive.

My guess is that he doesn't even know it's an issue.

3 hours ago, smackie9 said:

When the behavior is bad towards you, you don't try and fix it, you end the relationship because it's not right. You deserve better, so move on and find better. 

I don't think this is bad behavior, as much as it's behavior that isn't understood by the OP.

[smackie9]

55 minutes ago, Coily said:

Has something changed for him? People can change in how they express themselves publicly. You know him far better than we do, I think the best course is to write down how this makes you feel, reflect on it and think od some solutions. Then have a discussion, without accusation; as that will put him on the defensive.

My guess is that he doesn't even know it's an issue.

I don't think this is bad behavior, as much as it's behavior that isn't understood by the OP.

Doesn't matter what it's called...it's not right. Bad enough that her friends noticed it too. It's like he's going around and telling coworkers/ friends that the OP is not his GF. I have been there myself...I dumped the guy after 3 weeks. My verdict is this guy don't give a real flim-flam about the OP. 

[Coily]

14 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Doesn't matter what it's called...it's not right. Bad enough that her friends noticed it too. It's like he's going around and telling coworkers/ friends that the OP is not his GF. I have been there myself...I dumped the guy after 3 weeks. My verdict is this guy don't give a real flim-flam about the OP. 

Sorry, can't agree. I dated a woman who was basically emotionless when we were in public, it was just how she was. In private she was very affectionate and attentive. What we deem good or bad isn't what the OP is asking.

[rainbowsandroses]

On 5/1/2024 at 8:11 AM, emillyy32 said:

My friends say that we rarely look like a couple, and if we do, it's like we're always angry with each other, I know nobody smiles from ear to ear, but lately I've also noticed that we're kind of artificial and for show. 

What's this^ about?  Why are you always angry with each other?  And/or appear angry to others? 

I agree with @Coilythat some people are not into public displays of affection and that's okay, it doesn't mean they don't love you. 

But from what you've posted, it goes beyond that for him.  He appears to be emotionally closed and distant and prefers it that way.  He may even like/love you more that way - from a distance.

Which explains why he excludes you from work events where other girlfriends attend, why he didn't wish to spend Christmas with you, why he always looks angry at you, why he doesn't acknowledge your relationship in public, why your relationship is so "artificial" (your word)..

You may have your own issues related to that as well since you've been a willing participant in this arrangement for TWO years. 

I have my own issues BUT I'd be gone from that a long time ago.  Any woman seeking a close committed relationship would be. 

If I may ask, what are the benefits of remaining?  I am asking sincerely. 

It sounds cold, uninspiring, not at all uplifting or in any way meaningful imo.. 

 

 

 

[Jaunty]

I have no idea why you'd want to stay if you, yourself, think that the two of you are "artificial and for show."  And this doesn't have anything to do with whether the guy is ashamed of you in public.   It simply sounds like you're not very into each other.

I asked you a few posts back what do YOU think ... I'm hoping to hear your answer.

[catfeeder]

I'd make this less about what anyone else thinks and more about how I feel, and then how BF responds when I discuss with him how I feel and my reasons for this.

If he's caring, you'll likely have your questions answered. If he's dismissive, then what would that tell you?

[tattoobunnie]

You have done nothing wrong!  It just looks he's no longer into you.

It's not working out.  Nothing to be embarrassed by; happens to the best people.

https://www.psychmechanics.com/body-language-truth-of-pointing-foot/

Sometimes people choose the be super boring route to have you break up with them, so they can avoid conflict.