Feeling Guilty and Pessimistic About Dating My Future

[Indiana_Rizzler]

I just ended a six month relationship with someone who was nothing but good to me and good for me.

We went on a couple dates and right away we clicked but I was never really attracted to her, at any point. We vibed so well and she's such a great person I wanted things to work out and I was hoping the attraction would come over time and it just didn't and now it looks like she's caught on and the relationship is over - I think. 

It's got me wondering, do I place too much importance on attraction? Should I have just roughed it out? On every other level this person was great but at the end of the day I just, wasn't excited by the thought of sharing a bed with her. It makes me feel guilty, I shouldn't have led her on as long as I did but I was hoping my mindset would change.

My dating life was hopless before this and I know there's a very good chance it'll seem that way moving forward. Even before I met this person I was single for over a year. People say "Oh you shouldn't need a relationship to be happy" and I am here to say that is 100% CAP! Before I met this person and even now; financially I'm doing the best I've ever done. Fitness, best shape I've ever been in my life. Career wise, for the first time in my LIFE I feel fairly compensated and valued in the work place. Even the relationship with my family is great! By all accounts my life is going good but I'm still single and I still want someone to be with, badly. 

The crappy part is I feel as though that's not likely to be in the cards for me anytime soon. I'm extremely un-outgoing, severly allergic to cats, and living in a rural area... Any one of these things are a serious detriment - having to deal with all three of them absolutely handicaps me and I just don't know where to go from here.

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, Indiana_Rizzler said:

, I shouldn't have led her on as long as I did but I was hoping my mindset would change.

My dating life was hopless before this and I know there's a very good chance it'll seem that way moving forward. Even before I met this person I was single for over a year. 

Sorry this is happening. You seem to have good insight that things won't work without attraction and it's not fair to either of you. 

Just because dating is tough with some obstacles for you, if you're just coasting along because she's "nice", you're both going to get hurt when she catches on. . and she will.

Consider setting each other free to find a better match.

[TeeDee]

Have you ever had the attraction, the zazazoo, that whole head over heels struck by lightening feeling about anyone?  

If not you may have to accept that you are not wired that way. 

If you have but you weren't feeling it with this person you were right to let her go.   People can be awesome but not the perfect fit for you.  

Allergic to cats is not an impediment to dating.  It's a medical thing.  If the allergy is mild maybe you can take an allergy pill.  If it's serious date dog lovers. 

You can learn to be more outgoing.  That is a skill that can be mastered.  Try joining something like ToastMasters.  That is about public speaking but it has a confidence boosting component.  If you have the money try something like a Dale Carnegie class.  At least do some free on line research about boosting confidence in social situations.  

The rural thing might be tougher but the answer will always be to enlarge your social circle.  Volunteer.  Get involved.  Attend group activities.  Perhaps check out the surrounding towns.  

[waffle]

2 hours ago, Indiana_Rizzler said:

It's got me wondering, do I place too much importance on attraction? 

Virtually everyone does.  If you watch enough movies you'll soon find out nothing is more important than attraction.

 

[ShySoul]

Attraction in terms of physical appearance is overrated. Everyone will get older and those looks will start to fade. Bodies don't stay in peak condition forever. Plus its all subjective. No one has ever been able to define what exactly attractive looks like. And even if you think one thing is attractive, someone completely different comes along and can change your views.

Attraction though in terms of heart and soul, that does matter. What counts is who the person is on the inside. Everyone I've ever really been attracted to has started based off some aspect of their personality. Feelings have grown from there and I will find them more attractive on the inside because of what I see on the inside.

[Kwothe28]

Let me guess: you "dated down". Meaning that you accepted somebody way under your standards of beauty(not pretty face, possibly overweight) because you havent had a relationship. And now you are wondering why there is no physical attraction there. Well, its because it was never there in a first place.

Far that physical is everything and all. But you cant disregard it completely when it comes to dating. Because at the end of the day, you need at least something to excite you. I would maybe  think differently if you are seeking 10/10 supermodels. But you are not superficial if you want your D to at least go up in bed. There are people who are attracted to something other then physical. You are not one of them. And that is also OK. Dont "date down" next time.

[Batya33]

Attraction in the sense of wanting arm candy- you prize being with someone who has certain physical features -is different from chemistry -to me chemistry is essential.  And often is related to what someone looks like but not always and not always to any real extent.  My husband and I are 57.  We are not hot looking. 

Last night we were at a dinner party and - unusually -we were able to sit as a couple while our teenage son sat at the "teenager table" instead of with us -so it felt like a date to us.  We held hands for part of the time laughed in a way that with our son would not have been the same sort of couple laughter, etc.

No I didn't feel like sneaking upstairs to have sex with him but after knowing him since the mid 90s and being together and married this time over 15 years I still think that sense of clicking/attraction/chemistry is essential- it's the glue that keeps our marriage healthy. We had intense zazaza stuff when we first got back together and many many times throughout our "courtship" but because we're confident in the core of attraction and chemistry to me anyway you don't have to feel that level of intensity to know you're with the right person romantically (yes, at times I still feel that way and I can totally go back to that time in my head and know it was real and is real) and you don't have to think "wow she's hot!!!" to feel chemistry .

Certainly being repulsed is no good but feeling that overall chemistry doesn't require a focus on physical features -more like -to me - a "noticing" like noticing your partner is attractive looking, noticing his eyes, and sure I don't mind that at my age I'm physically fit and slim and cute enough and sure it's nice when he compliments me (and I do the same). 

Be brutally honest with yourself - how important are physical features to you - and consider in a long term relationship what if she loses those particular physical features -maybe gets a bit flabbier, doesn't lose baby weight for a few years, gets age spots or wrinkles and isn't into botox or potions.  It's totally fine if you are a person who is very focused on certain physical features just like some people are very focused on certain sexual positions or ways of having sex -but your priorities will help you pick better and always be open to reevaluating your priorities.

This woman deserves someone who thinks she's all that - and you don't -let her go.  IMHO.

[boltnrun]

If I can't fathom having sex with a man there's no way I can be in a relationship with him. And no, you shouldn't have to "rough it out" with someone you're in a relationship with. How miserable would that be for the both of you?

Fearing you'll never find anyone else is a terrible reason to stay in a relationship.

End this and then start thinking of ways to meet people, whether it's taking classes or volunteering or playing on a coed sports team...whatever. And being allergic to cats isn't a dating impediment lol. Not every woman on the planet has a cat!

[redswim30]

Physical attraction is important, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.  Not saying you have to think they are the most beautiful thing you've ever seen. It's true that bodies do change- However, there has to be at LEAST some attraction on some level, or it won't work out.   Would you want a woman dating you that could never picture having sex with you?

The only way that could work out is if you were okay with a companionship as opposed to a romantic relationship.  But if you want a romantic relationship, you have to have at least SOME physical attraction to the other person.  Now, I believe this CAN grow over time, but if nothing is there from the start, nothing will change. 

Relationships should never feel like having to "rough it out".  Honestly, would you want a woman saying that about you?  "Well he's nice and all, but in the looks dept, I should rough it out in hopes that someday I MIGHT be attracted to him?"  

There's lot of people out there.  Don't give too much weight to this one person not working out.  And please trust me, as a divorcee- it's much better to wait for the right person than to try to force something to work just because you are lonely and want somebody there. 

A long time ago, I had a male friend that I knew liked me romantically.  I liked him so much as person but felt zero attraction to him.  People were pressuring me to date him because we got along so well, but I still knew I just wasn't romantically attracted to him.  But I decided I shouldn't be "shallow" and tried dating him.  It never felt right.  I actually cringed when he kissed me.  I could NEVER picture having sex with him.  After a couple weeks, I called it quits cause I knew going forward would be dishonest and giving him false hope that this could be more than just a good friendship.  I learned a lot from that.  You can learn to like someone, you can learn to LOVE someone, but you cannot learn to be attracted to someone.  You either are or you aren't- and that doesn't make you shallow, it makes you human. 

Unless you want a sexless relationship, attraction is important in a romantic one. 

[waffle]

13 minutes ago, redswim30 said:

 You can learn to like someone, you can learn to LOVE someone, but you cannot learn to be attracted to someone.  

False.  I've done it.  And more than once.

In fact, the (admittedly few) times I was instantly attracted to someone, it was very short-lived and burned out quickly. 

[catfeeder]

16 hours ago, Indiana_Rizzler said:

...do I place too much importance on attraction?

No, our bodies often tell us what our mind doesn't wish to know.

This isn't just visual. For instance, our sense of smell can unconsciously pick up the scent of another's immune system and signal a lack of attraction when theirs is too closely similar to our own. This is because, while our offspring might take on the height genes of one partner or the curly hair of the other, the immune systems of both partners combine to form a broader and stronger protection in our children. So our sense of smell seeks diversity in these genes.

This is just only one example of why we can't force attraction. It's far more complex than looks or matching values and interests. As for trying to rush your urge to couple up, it's not helpful to sabotage your own psyche when you can mobilize, instead, to raise your odds of meeting more women. Expand your social life through meetup.org groups, community projects, volunteering for causes that matter to you, using dating apps, doing what it takes to meet people and cultivate friendships which can raise your chances of being introduced to more women socially.

However, it's crucial to grasp the natural odds that most people are NOT our match. It's like trying to fit two puzzle pieces together. You can't force a fit without impacting the outcome--and wasting your time. We all view one another through a unique lens, and the right match for you will attract you. Some wrong matches might attract you, too, and that's true for everyone. It's why, the more important partnering is to you, the more resiliency you'll need to keep moving forward to meet more potential matches. Self sabotage won't improve your odds, and neither will social stagnation.

Head high, you can do this.