To allow ex to meet fiance

[a_lifters_life]

Ex and I have been legally divorced now for over 2 years. We have almost 5year old son.

I have within the past year and a half found an amazing woman, who is now my fiance. I told the ex this news recently and she wants to meet just the ex alone for coffee. Doesnt seem so bad on the surface, meanwhile my ex is continually doing things to attempt to undermine my credibility as a father, even 2 years after divorce.

My ex has met my fiance several times, in person, at events for my son (swimming, tball, etc).

With that said we generally follow parallel parenting instead of coparenting, as everything is her way or the highway.

With that said, what reasons could my ex go so far as to explictly state she just wants to meet my fiance alone and have her #? How would you recommend continuing

Thank you.

[TeeDee]

I don't see why it has to be them alone but I can understand your EXs desire to size up the new woman who is becoming step mom to your 5 year old.  

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, a_lifters_life said:

.With that said, what reasons could my ex go so far as to explictly state she just wants to meet my fiance alone and have her #? How would you recommend continuing.

You can coparent and date and meet each other's new partners especially when there's children.

However there's no reason your ex needs a private powwow with your GF. Please don't give your GFs contact info to your ex. 

[Batya33]

I think it's fine to tell her you're not comfortable with a one on one meeting because even though you're not concerned that your ex's inaccurate um information will affect your fiancee who needs to stir the pot.

Can you arrange a group meeting?

[HeartGoesOn]

My thoughts are that nothing good would come out of this.   Why not keep your relationship private?

[TeeDee]

40 minutes ago, HeartGoesOn said:

  Why not keep your relationship private?

The OP & his FI are getting married.  That is a public announcement.  He also shares a 5 year old with his EX-W.  Can you really blame the EX for wanting to meet the woman who will be living in the house where her kid will be when dad has custody?  

[lostandhurt]

I agree, what good will come from meeting one on one?  Nothing but grief for you and stress for your fiance.

This sounds like more of the same from your ex, her way or the highway.  Just tell her if she wants to meet for lunch just the 3 of you it would be nice but you see no good reason for a one on one meeting.  Make this a statement, no a question or compromise.  Then leave it.  After all she cannot force anyone to meet her one on one.  If she brings it up again simply ignore it.

 In time your boy will bond with you more and more so stay on the high road, be honest with him and he will see who you really are despite what his mother may say or do.

Lost

[catfeeder]

In your shoes, I'd be asking a lawyer or legal aid, not us. 

[TeeDee]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

In your shoes, I'd be asking a lawyer or legal aid, not us. 

Why?  All this EX wants to do is meet the person who will be a mother figure to her kid.  No lawyers required.  

[waffle]

8 hours ago, a_lifters_life said:

. . . she wants to meet just the ex alone for coffee.  

What could possibly go wrong?

[Kwothe28]

Your ex wants to badmouth you to your fiance. That is why she wants to meet her alone.

I wouldnt allow that. If she wants to meet her, then she could do it over the coffee but only when you are there. 

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Your ex wants to badmouth you to your fiance. That is why she wants to meet her alone.

I wouldnt allow that. If she wants to meet her, then she could do it over the coffee but only when you are there. 

Thank you - I read this wrong.  I thought the fiancee wanted to meet the ex one on one. I agree that a group meeting is fine but no need for one on one because of the obvious motives.  My situation was the new wife wanting to meet me -the ex girlfriend (and no kids involved).

[redswim30]

I am a stepmom and I am BEGGING YOU- DO NOT LET AN ALONE MEETING WITH THEM HAPPEN!  NOTHING GOOD CAN COME OF THIS!  Even a meeting with YOU there would be unwise AT THIS STAGE. This engagement is new and fresh and your ex is likely (not unfairly) having a strong emotional reaction to it.  It would NOT be healthy at this stage for you all to meet up.   Possibly after things have cooled down, but NOT. NOW. 

My husband's ex was livid when we got engaged- even though they were never getting back together.  She did not want him to be happy.  She tried every trick in the book to try and scare me away, including using the children as emotional blackmail.   

There's simply no reason for the three of you to "meet up" at this moment.  If your ex seemed more stable, I might have a different response, but in your own words " continually doing things to attempt to undermine my credibility as a father, even 2 years after divorce"- that is someone that doesn't seem interested in being a constructive co-parent or having the ability to be fair, rational, or reasonable. 

Do NOT give your ex your fiancee's contacts.

Please Please PLEASE take it from someone who has been in your fiancee's shoes.  At the beginning, I tried so hard to be as kind as possible to my husband's ex-wife. I was extremely patient with her and tried to understand and I absorbed a lot of her hurt and anger.  I felt she deserved to know about me since I would be in her kids lives.  I tried very hard to be empathetic towards her and not get too "involved" in decisions.  I wanted to co-parent with her fairly, logically, and respectfully.  I will have and still never will badmouth her to her children, even though she has not shown me or my husband the same courtesy. 

Unfortunately, your ex sounds like my husband's ex.  She clung to her anger and could NEVER let it go.   All she did with my contact info was to harass me and try to manipulate me into leaving.  When I tried to reason with her, she just called me names.  When I tried to empathize, she insulted.  When I offered love and support, she pushed me away and badmouthed me to everyone, hurling lies about me all over that sadly some people still believe.  I even said " Look, I understand we will never be best friends, but can't we please try to just be civil for the sake of the kids?"  All she did in response was call me names and tell me her kids would never love me and that I was ruining all their lives forever.  I finally reached a point where I had to block her from everything, as she had NO interest in even trying to be a mature adult about things.  From then on, I said it would be best if they just communicated and she and I need not acknowledge each other's existence.  It was terrible, mostly for the kids, but there was no point after trying for nearly 3 years of trying to speak to her when all I got in response to even the simplest of questions, or even offering to support her-  was insults and harassment. 

Sadly, some exes just cannot be and never will be civil, mature, or fair.  Since your ex sounds nearly identical to my husband's ex-there's no need for them to be talking at this stage.  I see they HAVE met.  But I would HIGHLY ADVISE YOU to give this time and to start with a phone call first and see how that goes.  Your ex has NO reason to meet her one or one or to have her phone number- this is not for any constructive reason. DO NOT GIVE HER YOUR FIANCEEs NUMBER!!!!  It really sounds like her intent is to badmouth you and try and scare her away. 

If you ex digs her heels in and cannot be civil, then there's really no reason for them to talk.  Not ideal, but you can't be rational with an irrational person.   Sometimes parallel parenting is necessary when dealing with an emotionally unstable ex, I have BEEN there, so I get it.   Keep doing what you're doing and for now, I'd just give her a firm NO.

GOOD LUCK

[redswim30]

13 hours ago, TeeDee said:

Why?  All this EX wants to do is meet the person who will be a mother figure to her kid.  No lawyers required.  

But it sounds like they HAVE met at events and such.  From what the OP says, his ex is mostly interested in badmouthing him and not interested in logical co-parenting.  There's no practical reason for the ex to have her number or to meet with her one on one, seeing as she not investing in co-parenting.  

This really sounds like she just wants the chance to badmouth her ex to his fiancee or try to scare her away or harass her.   Speaking as a stepparent, you actually have very little power/control/say as a stepparent in how the kids are raised or handled by the parents or the parents relationship to each other, even when or if you strongly disagree.  Everything is really up the parents, as a stepparent has no legal authority with both bio parents alive.  So there's really no logical reason for this "meeting" except wanting to get to "know her" I suppose.  However, his ex frankly sounds like she is vindictive and petty, so it seems unlikely that what she truly wants is a friendly "get to know you".   And even IF for arguments sake that IS what she wanted, RIGHT after the engagement, when hurt feelings are fresh, would not be a good idea for anyone. 

[Wiseman2]

20 hours ago, a_lifters_life said:

.My ex has met my fiance several times, in person, at events for my son 

With that said, what reasons could my ex go so far as to explictly state she just wants to meet my fiance alone and have her #? 

Since they've already met there is no reason for your ex to contact your fiancee personally.  

It seems she's just nosy or interfering. It's definitely not necessary to get lawyers involved, that's absurd. It's just a matter of maintaining boundaries and protecting your fiancees privacy and personal information. 

[TeeDee]

If the women have been introduced, then there is no reason to have another meeting & there was never a valid reason to subject the new FI to a one on one with the EX

[catfeeder]

13 hours ago, TeeDee said:

15 hours ago, catfeeder said:

In your shoes, I'd be asking a lawyer or legal aid, not us. 

Why?  All this EX wants to do is meet the person who will be a mother figure to her kid.  No lawyers required.  

If an ex puts conditions on child visitation to which the other does not agree, then obtaining legal advice for handling this is a valid suggestion. 

None of us can speak to his ex's motivations or intentions. He knows her far better than we do--we're strangers on the Internet. 

[MissCanuck]

It sounds suspect, considering the women have already met. 

Personally, I would not endorse this private meeting. It doesn't sound right. What does your finacée think? 

[HeartGoesOn]

On 4/23/2024 at 6:33 PM, TeeDee said:

The OP & his FI are getting married.  That is a public announcement.  He also shares a 5 year old with his EX-W.  Can you really blame the EX for wanting to meet the woman who will be living in the house where her kid will be when dad has custody?  

Please avoid picking my post apart.  We're all entitled to our opinions.   Thank you, Heart Goes On...

[rainbowsandroses]

On 4/23/2024 at 10:48 AM, a_lifters_life said:

I told the ex this news recently and she wants to meet just the ex alone for coffee. Doesnt seem so bad on the surface, meanwhile my ex is continually doing things to attempt to undermine my credibility as a father, even 2 years after divorce.

^Considering what's in bold, a one-on-one meet sounds like a terrible idea!  

I think your ex wanting to meet your fiancé is perfectly understandable, but NOT one-on-one, there is no reason for it. 

Why not invite your ex for dinner with you, your fiancé and your kids, she can get to know your fiancé and see how everyone interacts together as a family unit.

Sounds like a much better idea to me.