Met Someone I Really Like

[Mike Robert]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I know two people who met (he was visiting her area), spent an amazing two solid weeks together where they were inseparable and spending all day every day together, had an absolutely wonderful time...then he went back home and realized he was still in love with his ex (who he ended up marrying and having a family with!), so he messaged the woman he'd spent the two weeks with to say sorry. She was pretty upset about it because nothing during those two weeks indicated he was in love with anyone else. She said those two weeks were magical and she was completely blindsided.

Despite exchanging messages and somehow deciding you two are in some kind of relationship, you can't possibly know for sure until you meet and spend a reasonable amount of time together.

Wow that's a story! Thanks for sharing... I agree! This is why long distance can be so hard but I know it can be worth it! We kind of agreed we wanted to wait until we met in person first before taking any things further.

[yogacat]

19 minutes ago, Mike Robert said:

Wow that's a story! Thanks for sharing... I agree! This is why long distance can be so hard but I know it can be worth it! We kind of agreed we wanted to wait until we met in person first before taking any things further.

I've met several people that have had successful LDRs and now live together and married.

My ex and I embarked on that option when he got accepted to a PhD program overseas.

We ultimately decided not to do it.

See how it goes, just try not to think you have to start changing all these different parts of yourself. Albeit, I think opting not to engage in things you find distracting, is a nice thing to do.

[TeeDee]

You really need to keep your expectations in check.  Make sure she's staying somewhere other than your house.  

If she's flying in you can meet her at the airport but do not expect to be asked up to her hotel room.   Decide in advance if you two will spend her arrival day together or if she will need time to decompress.  

Plan some public day time activities.  

[Mike Robert]

34 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

You really need to keep your expectations in check.  Make sure she's staying somewhere other than your house.  

If she's flying in you can meet her at the airport but do not expect to be asked up to her hotel room.   Decide in advance if you two will spend her arrival day together or if she will need time to decompress.  

Plan some public day time activities.  

Yeah we did plan some public day time activities. I told her I want to do whatever is most comfortable for you and we decided on these together. I told her I just want us to get to know each other and have a good time - I don't expect anything like going to her room and all.

I will discuss her arrival day like you said! Thank you!

[Mike Robert]

2 hours ago, yogacat said:

I've met several people that have had successful LDRs and now live together and married.

My ex and I embarked on that option when he got accepted to a PhD program overseas.

We ultimately decided not to do it.

See how it goes, just try not to think you have to start changing all these different parts of yourself. Albeit, I think opting not to engage in things you find distracting, is a nice thing to do.

Oh wow, I'm sorry it didn't work out! What were some of the challenges you faced? 
 

And the last part you said thank you! Definitely looking into that.

[Sindy_0311]

20 hours ago, Mike Robert said:

I did it because it was the right thing to do in my mind because I want to continue talking to her and we became exclusive so I felt like it was the right thing to drop these habits. 

Does she know about your habits? Are you doing it to please her? 
I have been dating many man for the last two years (I’m 40) and I never asked what they were doing when I wasn’t with them. Meaning if they watched porn, I had no issue with it. Most of the men I have been dating were into this and I think it’s something natural. I have no right to judge them or ask them to stop doing it. I also have my habits and I wouldn’t stop them just because I started talking to someone. It’s part of my life as a single woman and it’s important for my own well being and psychological sanity.
Now if you are addicted to it, it’s another issue. And cutting it of just because you met someone online won’t cure the addiction in the long term.
i don’t get it why you stopped it… Can I ask why you cut it off? Are you ashamed? Or is it because it’s an addiction? 
Did you ask her whether she likes porn? Maybe this is something you could enjoy together… 

Hope you both will enjoy the first meet!!! 

[Mike Robert]

12 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Does she know about your habits? Are you doing it to please her? 
I have been dating many man for the last two years (I’m 40) and I never asked what they were doing when I wasn’t with them. Meaning if they watched porn, I had no issue with it. Most of the men I have been dating were into this and I think it’s something natural. I have no right to judge them or ask them to stop doing it. I also have my habits and I wouldn’t stop them just because I started talking to someone. It’s part of my life as a single woman and it’s important for my own well being and psychological sanity.
Now if you are addicted to it, it’s another issue. And cutting it of just because you met someone online won’t cure the addiction in the long term.
i don’t get it why you stopped it… Can I ask why you cut it off? Are you ashamed? Or is it because it’s an addiction? 
Did you ask her whether she likes porn? Maybe this is something you could enjoy together… 

Hope you both will enjoy the first meet!!! 

Hey thank you! She doesn't know about it I'm not really ashamed of it I feel like a lot of people do it lol. I kind of wanted to stop anyways so it did work out for me and it's been almost a couple weeks and I actually feel really good about it. I wasn't addicted as it didn't affect my work, life, etc and I could go on with my life easily without it. 
 

I agree that everyone has their own habits and they wouldn't stop them when they talk to someone. I know people who don't mind it until it starts to affect their relationship. 

Yes it's still really early between us but I'm hoping it works out! Thank you so much for the advice! 
 

Thank you for the wishes! I'm hoping it goes well too. 

[yogacat]

2 hours ago, Mike Robert said:

Oh wow, I'm sorry it didn't work out! What were some of the challenges you faced? 
 

And the last part you said thank you! Definitely looking into that.

We were at different stages in our lives, with me still needing to focus on finishing my own education and being there for my family.

He asked and wanted me to go with him and said that he would stay but I couldn't shake the feeling that it would create an uneven balance in our relationship.

That's the way it goes sometimes! That stuff was hard to for me and I think really did change me in ways that I can't comprehend yet!

[Wiseman2]

54 minutes ago, Mike Robert said:

It's still really early between us but I'm hoping it works out! 

The next step is arranging a mutually agreeable comfortable time and place to meet. Please don't discuss masturbation and porn with someone you never met. It's sleazy. Wait until you meet in person and get to know each other. It will be difficult with the distance. How do you plan on seeing or visiting each other in the future if your first meeting goes well? 

[Mike Robert]

23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

The next step is arranging a mutually agreeable comfortable time and place to meet. Please don't discuss masturbation and porn with someone you never met. It's sleazy. Wait until you meet in person and get to know each other. It will be difficult with the distance. How do you plan on seeing or visiting each other in the future if your first meeting goes well? 

No I would never. I feel like if it isn't affecting your love life you shouldn't mention it maybe down the line. I haven't in around 2 weeks and I feel good - that's the time I got more serious. I feel like I only did all of that stuff because I was single and haven't found the right one. 
 

I want to try to see her every month see how that works out. I'm hoping this is the one my luck has been bad lol

[Mike Robert]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

We were at different stages in our lives, with me still needing to focus on finishing my own education and being there for my family.

He asked and wanted me to go with him and said that he would stay but I couldn't shake the feeling that it would create an uneven balance in our relationship.

That's the way it goes sometimes! That stuff was hard to for me and I think really did change me in ways that I can't comprehend yet!

I feel you and I'm sorry that happened. What split up me and my ex when we did long distance was wanting to stay with each others families. 
 

I hope you're in a better place now!

[catfeeder]

I would heed the cautions above about long distance dating. First, you don’t even know whether you’ll hit it off, and given the investment in fantasy plus the expense of travel, an attempt to force a fit is likely. Then there’s the vacation bubble thing. You’re not able to date under real life conditions that allow you both to learn about one another’s lifestyle, family, social life and interests beyond messaging. Time together doesn’t incorporate those challenges, it isolates you into a planned vacation bubble that adds to fantasy, but tells you zero about how well you’ll each operate together under normal conditions.

Lastly, if all else goes well, it’ll come down to which of you are prepared to change locations in order to live more closely with the other. That’s a lot of pressure to put on one stranger given that most people are simply not our match.

I’d suggest collapsing the scope of your dating app to meet local people with whom you can make realistic assessments through reasonably close and frequent dating.

Life is tough enough, and dating is tough enough, without allowing fantasy to drive you into a financial hole over an illusory connection. That said, I wish you the best and hope that I’m wrong and this turns out wonderful for you.

[Mike Robert]

38 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I would heed the cautions above about long distance dating. First, you don’t even know whether you’ll hit it off, and given the investment in fantasy plus the expense of travel, an attempt to force a fit is likely. Then there’s the vacation bubble thing. You’re not able to date under real life conditions that allow you both to learn about one another’s lifestyle, family, social life and interests beyond messaging. Time together doesn’t incorporate those challenges, it isolates you into a planned vacation bubble that adds to fantasy, but tells you zero about how well you’ll each operate together under normal conditions.

Lastly, if all else goes well, it’ll come down to which of you are prepared to change locations in order to live more closely with the other. That’s a lot of pressure to put on one stranger given that most people are simply not our match.

I’d suggest collapsing the scope of your dating app to meet local people with whom you can make realistic assessments through reasonably close and frequent dating.

Life is tough enough, and dating is tough enough, without allowing fantasy to drive you into a financial hole over an illusory connection. That said, I wish you the best and hope that I’m wrong and this turns out wonderful for you.

Thank you for this! You know I need to hear the bads and what I'm getting myself into and knowing the risks so I agree. When we meet in person we are going to talk about all of that. I do want to bring up some of the points you mentioned to her. 
 

This was worth the read and I appreciate the honesty.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Mike Robert said:

. What split up me and my ex when we did long distance was wanting to stay with each others families. 

How old is this lady? Do either of you have friends or family where the other one lives? 

Just curious why you are pursuing another distance situation when you already know the difficulties and drawbacks? 

Are you just shifting from one online situation (porn) to another in order to avoid real relationships?  

[Mike Robert]

53 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How old is this lady? Do either of you have friends or family where the other one lives? 

Just curious why you are pursuing another distance situation when you already know the difficulties and drawbacks? 

Are you just shifting from one online situation (porn) to another in order to avoid real relationships?  

No I've talked to people in person here it didn't work out. I matched with her and everything seems good so far and they have family here and they eventually want to move to the same state so that helps. I feel like a lot of things are aligning! 

[Wiseman2]

Just now, Mike Robert said:

 they have family here and they eventually want to move to the same state so that helps. I feel like a lot of things are aligning! 

Why did she move away? Work? School? And why would she move back? Please focus on getting to know her and what her goals are. 

[Mike Robert]

24 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why did she move away? Work? School? And why would she move back? Please focus on getting to know her and what her goals are. 

Family lived there for work and eventually coming back.

 

yes I will Focus on getting to know her first and foremost and what her goals are. Thank you so much for your advice! 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Mike Robert said:

No I've talked to people in person here it didn't work out.

That's interesting.  Have you ever asked yourself why that is?  But yet miraculously you click with women who live a long distance away?

I dunno I always find such situations suspect.  I'm not judging as there was a period in my life when I did same.

When I feared relationships and commitment and was more fantasy-driven than reality-driven.  At the time, I was not even consciously aware of the fear, it was a 'hidden fear' within myself but with professional help I resolved it, more or less.

For some people, getting involved with people long distance is a way to avoid "real" relationships.  In person, day to day, that closeness.

Anyway, what I've learned is people are gonna do what they want to do regardless of the advice and risks.  

So I will wish you luck and hope everything works out the way you hope!!

[Mike Robert]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

That's interesting.  Have you ever asked yourself why that is?  But yet miraculously you click with women who live a long distance away?

I dunno I always find such situations suspect.  I'm not judging as there was a period in my life when I did same.

When I feared relationships and commitment and was more fantasy-driven than reality-driven.  At the time, I was not even consciously aware of the fear, it was a 'hidden fear' within myself but with professional help I resolved it, more or less.

For some people, getting involved with people long distance is a way to avoid "real" relationships.  In person, day to day, that closeness.

Anyway, what I've learned is people are gonna do what they want to do regardless of the advice and risks.  

So I will wish you luck and hope everything works out the way you hope!!

I'm not sure why that is... sometimes there wasn't a connection after conscious effort, one time I got cut off when someone went back to their ex, and so forth... I did try many times in person. 

 

So in your experience you were afraid of commitment in person? 

[TeeDee]

11 hours ago, Mike Robert said:

I want to try to see her every month see how that works out. I'm hoping this is the one my luck has been bad lol

I don't know that your luck has been bad.  I think you make some questionable decisions.  You are already far too emotionally invested in a long distance person you haven't met & don't know.  The fact that you set your match range so broadly is a questionable choice.  Dating locally & conventionally seems wiser to me. 

You haven't met but you are dreaming of monthly dates and having her move back to your state. You seriously need to slow down.  

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

I don't know that your luck has been bad.  I think you make some questionable decisions.  You are already far too emotionally invested in a long distance person you haven't met & don't know.  The fact that you set your match range so broadly is a questionable choice.  Dating locally & conventionally seems wiser to me. 

You haven't met but you are dreaming of monthly dates and having her move back to your state. You seriously need to slow down.  

I agree and if she is participating there's a big risk of a crash and burn. I would never have participated in this kind of fantasy  talk before meeting and most women I know who are looking for serious potential and reasonably healthy might meet the person but with great caution and keep it short.  Obviously anything is possible.  

[rainbowsandroses]

29 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

You haven't met but you are dreaming of monthly dates and having her move back to your state.

Agreed, and not just that, it's only been a few weeks since you met on the app!

It's all indicative of a propensity for fantasy. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Mike Robert said:

Family lived there for work and eventually coming back.  I will Focus on getting to know her first and foremost and what her goals are. 

Who has family in the other one's state? When you see each other, where will you or she stay? Are you traveling to her or asking her to travel to you? Who will pay for expenses? You seem more caught up in the fantasy of "finding the one" than the logistics of even meeting or getting to know each other.  Having difficulty locally is not a good reason to pursue difficult relationships. 

[Andrina]

Will she be paying for her own plane ticket, or has she asked for that money or waited for you to offer? Just making sure you don't get drawn into any scams of being an ATM machine to someone. It's a common thing for a scammer to pretend they have a connection to the prey's area--either that they've once worked there, have friends or relatives there, or that they plan on moving there for work.

It's quite a distance from Ohio to Nevada. I'm assuming you'd be spending $600 or more for every trip, and you plan on going once a month? Are you really that well off that that kind of money is very doable for you?

Having done OLD in the past, I'll give my own experiences. Over a period of 2 and a half years, I went on dates with about 30 men. So many times we liked each other's photos, likes each other's messages, and liked the few phone calls we had before meeting. But that had zero bearing on how the first date, or the second or third if it made it that far, went. Because reality doesn't begin until that first meet.

The majority of the time, one or both of us did not feel chemistry so that was the end of that. Sometimes, both of us did feel chemistry and went on to one or more dates, but then things happened where everything fell apart. The person had lied about their dating goals. The person was mentally off. The person wasn't enjoyable to be with. I wasn't the other person's cup of tea after all.

Thank God I'd never spent much for these dates, and rejected communicating with guys who lived far away, even though they tried to get me to engage after I explicitly wrote in my profile that I dated locally only.

Because it's quite a process, sifting through a beach of sand to find the treasure. A lot of things have to match up: Dating styles, dating/life goals, matching ethics, matching relationship boundaries, a relationship leading to marriage or not, if it lasts, kids or no kids. If the person makes you a priority, is faithful, is financially stable, and the list of must-haves and lack of dealbreakers like gambling, drinking, etc., goes on.

To me, long distance has so many cons and has a very high risk failure unless a couple met locally, and then had to briefly move away for a career or education. Takes longer to see skeletons in the closet, if there are any. Dating cannot be done at a normal pace, dooming things. You also have to wonder. If she's so pretty and has a nice personality, why hasn't she been successful in dating locally. Does she have something to hide that it'll take longer for a long distance guy to discover?

Let's say you had to date 30 people like I did before finding the keeper. With long distance, that might take you the next 30 years and cost a crazy amount of money to achieve. 

What I recommend is to amp up dating locally, trying different ways to meet women than you've done in the past. Meetup.com is a great start. See which groups are available in your area. Do some volunteering. Environmental clean ups regularly happen in some towns. Volunteer at a zoo or museum. Take dance lessons.

If she's paying her own way, then fine, let her. But being exclusive before you meet, which might take longer than you anticipate, might have you passing up golden opportunities locally. You're also emotionally investing in a fantasy, which has been going on for months and will likely go on for many more months, to have everything fizzle at the first meet. All that time and energy spent on a risky gamble could be placed on a safer bet that costs far less, locally.

Good luck in finding a keeper. I know after all the frustration and upsets I experienced, that it had all been worth it when I found the right one.

[Mike Robert]

Thank you everyone! I really appreciate everyone's honesty and input on this situation of mine. Lots of you share great information as well so I really do appreciate it. Everything has helped. 
 

To answer some questions she will be paying for her own ticket. I don't think there is anything to hide between us just really how it all came about. She has family here. 
 

We do agree we need to meet in person and see how we are around each other. 
 

We did talk and we are going to talk about all this LDR stuff because we acknowledge there are many challenges ahead. 

 

I appreciate all the good wishes in this situation - this is a great community.