Met Someone I Really Like

[ShySoul]

Hey Mike. 

You've been well prepared with all the potential pitfalls and dangers. You know to be cautious and talk things over. From the sound of things both of you aren't going into this blind and are willing to work through things and see how it goes. So I'll throw in something a little different:

Have fun. 

You aren't planning the rest of your life. You aren't talking about running off to Vegas and buying a pair of rings. So relax and enjoy the time together. Yes, it's important to have certain talks. Yes, you don't want to get swept up in a fantasy. But don't overthink things or try to decide everything at once. The point of the trip is to meet in person and be together. Odds are the person you've been speaking with is the same person you will meet. If you've connected online, odds are you will connect in person. So have fun together. Remember, she's probably just as nervous as you and has all the same thoughts and questions. Relax and take it easy. Focus on enjoying yourselves and you'll probably have a great time.

My brother met his wife playing games online. She lived in another state when they first meet. Shortly after she moved to be near him. That was over 20 years ago and things are good last that I heard. So things can work out. Probably best not to get your hopes up just yet, but it's not impossible and your fine to be excited by this experience.

Just don't get engaged after a month and married a month later. That didn't work out so well for someone I knew. But I don't think you were planning that. 😉

[yogacat]

Just came across this article, thought I'd share:

She set out to find a husband in a year. Then she matched with a guy on a dating app on the other side of the world | CNN

On Tinder. 😃

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, yogacat said:

Just came across this article, thought I'd share:

She set out to find a husband in a year. Then she matched with a guy on a dating app on the other side of the world | CNN

On Tinder. 😃

Thanks for posting this @yogacatI love reading stories like this!!  And goes to show that strong connections do happen on line, not everyone is a catfish or scammer. It's still important to be pragmatic though, imo. 

I think the OP's story may be different (based on his history of excessive porn use, not being able to develop in-person connections) but then again maybe NOT!

Only he knows for sure. 

I have a similar story about a girlfriend I met on another forum who connected with a man on line, he was actually a member of the same forum we were on (similar to ENA).

They interacted on line for an entire year (never even spoke on phone or video chatted), they did exchange lots of pics though.

Anyway, after about a year, she took a risk and went and visited him.  They lived 10,000 miles away from each other.

They had become so close during the one year they interacted online, they had actually fallen in love that when they first layed eyes on each other, she literally jumped into his arms!

There was lots of red tape, but she never went back to her country, and they got married a couple of years later.... ❤️ 

 

[yogacat]

18 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Thanks for posting this @yogacatI love reading stories like this!!  And goes to show that strong connections do happen on line, not everyone is a catfish or scammer. It's still important to be pragmatic though, imo. 

I think the OP's story may be different (based on his history of porn use, not being able to develop in-person connections) but then again maybe NOT!

Only he knows for sure. 

I have a similar story about a girlfriend I met on another forum who connected with a man on line, he was actually a member of the same forum we were on (similar to ENA).

They interacted on line for an entire year (never even spoke on phone or video chatted), they did exchange lots of pics though.

Anyway, after about a year, she took a risk and went and visited him.  They lived 10,000 miles away from each other.

They had become so close during the one year they interacted online, they had actually fallen in love that when they first layed eyes on each other, she literally jumped into his arms!

There was lots of red tape, but she never went back to her country, and they got married a couple of years later.... ❤️ 

 

Yeah, I love hearing stories like this too. They are so rare and out-of-the-box, but it shows that there are no definite rules of connection and that love can bloom anywhere, in weirdest ways.

My third cousin met his now wife on Tinder and they lived thousands of miles away. The rest is history and they are still happy and in love. 

Some people get very "lonely desperate" in their pursuit of the positive or happy ending to an online conversation. 

So you have a very good point about being pragmatic- especially by keeping tabs on safe/good behaviours, that you may see in the person, as well as all the negative stuff that you hear can happen online. 

I don't think it really matters if OP had trouble with dating apps, lol (sorry OP, no judging here, more just STATING an opinion). His experiences with trying to meet people is not unique or even problematic and is very common. It's not a reason to disqualify a potential connection. 

Being single and watching porn is hardly substantive, noteworthy stat on human behaviour. As long as someone isn't single and sleeping around in long lists on various dating platforms, then that becomes worrisome and indicative of personality or lifestyle issues.

But I don't much care how committed or desperate someone gets to find someone. The problem is when they engage in bad behaviours on these platforms (lying being the biggest, imo). 

He isn't bragging about lying or engaging in poor behaviours. He became "exclusive" and stopped using the apps, presumably because he wants to be loyal/disciplined/genuine, if he likes this lass.

Hopefully, that keeps going that a'way. He sounds sincere. 

[Mike Robert]

Thank you everyone! I developed connections with people I've met before and never had any real issues. Sometimes they went back to their ex, other times there wasn't much spark on their end, etc. 

 

The porn/OF use I believe was just something I used when I was single. It didn't really affect my day to day business such as work or anything. I kind of chose that stuff over sleeping with other women. I was still going out on dates at the time and meeting people. I haven't used it in a couple weeks and I feel good! When I kept talking to her and we connected more I just slowly cut off that stuff because I feel like a majority of women would find it disrespectful to do it if you're engaging in a relationship. I do know couples who allow it which is fine everyone can set their own boundaries. If this doesn't work out anyways I probably won't go back to pornography use.

I guess I was questioning if what I'm doing is normal by cutting out these things as I meet someone who I've connected with so well. 

I know people have questioned because we aren't even official yet but we are meeting real soon and gonna talk! 

[Mike Robert]

18 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Thanks for posting this @yogacatI love reading stories like this!!  And goes to show that strong connections do happen on line, not everyone is a catfish or scammer. It's still important to be pragmatic though, imo. 

I think the OP's story may be different (based on his history of excessive porn use, not being able to develop in-person connections) but then again maybe NOT!

Only he knows for sure. 

I have a similar story about a girlfriend I met on another forum who connected with a man on line, he was actually a member of the same forum we were on (similar to ENA).

They interacted on line for an entire year (never even spoke on phone or video chatted), they did exchange lots of pics though.

Anyway, after about a year, she took a risk and went and visited him.  They lived 10,000 miles away from each other.

They had become so close during the one year they interacted online, they had actually fallen in love that when they first layed eyes on each other, she literally jumped into his arms!

There was lots of red tape, but she never went back to her country, and they got married a couple of years later.... ❤️ 

 

Thanks for sharing! That's a great story and gives me hope. Honestly I've done a lot of reflecting and while I can say that some of the people it didn't work out with was not my fault or control, the other reasons were attributed to me potentially being too picky. I slowly learned that the person for me may not have everything I want but I want someone I can build with and we can make each other better. I had a big reflection in this regard. 
 

some people questioned why I cut out a lot of stuff so quick without making things official like the porn/OF but I think once I develop a connection with someone in my opinion it's more appropriate. I know others may have differing opinions! I also heard the negatives of these things and I'd rather eliminate it now before it does become an issue. 
 

 

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, Mike Robert said:

I guess I was questioning if what I'm doing is normal by cutting out these things as I meet someone who I've connected with so well. 

I can't speak to normal. However, since you've preferred porn over the inconvenience or whatever of pursuing real women, then I agree that it might be a smart idea to forego the porn if you intend to get sexual with a real woman. I don't personally consider it a matter of respect, as I believe in bodily autonomy and your right to do whatever you please with your own body in private, but I do believe that an excessive reliance on self sex can possibly impact your enjoyment or performance with a real woman.

I wouldn't argue if you believe that I'm wrong about that--to each his own.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Mike Robert said:

 I want someone I can build with and we can make each other better. I had a big reflection in this regard. Some people questioned why I cut out a lot of stuff so quick without making things official like the porn/OF but I think once I develop a connection with someone in my opinion it's more appropriate

Please focus on realistic plans to meet and hopefully see each other enough to build a relationship. Anecdotal stories about success stories are fun, but without realistic plans and expectations they won't happen.

Dating and relationships are not therapy. It's not to help your porn and masturbation addiction. Please focus on your own improvement and see if you are even attracted and compatible before you put the horse before the cart. Try to stay grounded. 

[Mike Robert]

We are working on meeting up to see where things go. We just decided we want to talk to each other and choose not to meet with other people until we actually meet up as we scheduled a hard date for all this. Thank you for the input! 
 

I wasn't really using dating as therapy for porn addiction. I think it's something I did when I wasn't actively talking to someone as I wasn't really the type to hook up with people as I always wanted a connection with someone. It never really impacted my day to day life and there were periods where I wouldn't even do it as I was busy. Like I said it's been a couple weeks. 
 

You are all absolutely right and I did talk to her about how we should be realistic with everything and we need to see how we are when we meet and she agreed. I appreciate all the advice I've been getting! 

[Mike Robert]

I do apologize for my overthinking I've just been in positions where I was people's rebound, or they found somebody else after a couple months in, ghosted, etc but the advice I'm getting really helps and it really ensures that I stay level headed with this situation and just let things flow without diving in too deep. You are all great!

 

 

[yogacat]

It's just, maybe you're overthinking about the wrong thing.

Unless you have a porn addiction, also consider the logistics of dating someone that doesn't live close to you.

Truth is... you can never know how something is going to turn out until you're actually in it. You can always make plan and backup plans, and weigh several scenarios and, well... one thing or another, living in your own vision of what things could look like.

No matter how well you plan things out and envision a certain hypothetical scenario, life always has its own set of surprises in store for us. So rather than overthinking and trying to control every detail wait until you're actually in the relationship and dealing with all these issues in the moment and perspective of reality, rather than constantly creating your own expectations of what things should or should not be.
 

[Mike Robert]

39 minutes ago, yogacat said:

It's just, maybe you're overthinking about the wrong thing.

Unless you have a porn addiction, also consider the logistics of dating someone that doesn't live close to you.

Truth is... you can never know how something is going to turn out until you're actually in it. You can always make plan and backup plans, and weigh several scenarios and, well... one thing or another, living in your own vision of what things could look like.

No matter how well you plan things out and envision a certain hypothetical scenario, life always has its own set of surprises in store for us. So rather than overthinking and trying to control every detail wait until you're actually in the relationship and dealing with all these issues in the moment and perspective of reality, rather than constantly creating your own expectations of what things should or should not be.
 

Thank you! Fortunately I can say I'm not addicted. I wish I wasn't like this and always trying to overthink every little thing. It's weird because I know I mean well, I'm being genuine, and I care about others but I always feel like I'm doing something wrong or think about the "what if's"...

 

I've been working on improving this. When it comes to a lot of things I overthink and I've been wanting to change that about myself. 
 

I know I should be more fixated about the logistics of being in a LDR like everyone has mentioned. 
 

 

[MissCanuck]

Maybe the over-thinking here stems from the fact that you don't really know this person and your gut is telling you to slow down and keep your expectations in check.  

In other words, your anxiety is flaring but you're attributing it to the wrong source (porn) It is quite risky to try to jump into something long-distance when you have no previous experience with the person and it will inherently be much more difficult to get to know each other. My sense is that this what your fear is stemming from, and understandably so, but you have assumed some prior porn use is the root. It's not. 

Enjoy your first meet-up but keep both feet on the ground. 

[ShySoul]

I don't think you are overthinking. I think you're being very reasonable and level headed. You weren't having luck in the romance department, but you didn't give up on it. You turned to porn to scratch an itch, as many people do, but didn't go overboard. You dropped it when it you felt it had lost it's usefulness. You found someone you connect with and are excited, but are still being careful and cautious. You're doing things just fine from what I can see. You got this.

9 hours ago, Mike Robert said:

I guess I was questioning if what I'm doing is normal by cutting out these things as I meet someone who I've connected with so well.

Does it matter if it's normal? If it feels right for you, then do it. You're not harming anyone and you seem happier for it.

[Mike Robert]

Thank you! The advice I'm getting here has helped a great ton. This is a great community. 
 

I do feel better for cutting off the porn/OF content especially when I got to know her more.  Maybe my anxiety was tracing it to the wrong source.
 

I'm just going to go with the flow, not go in too deep, and play everything out slowly.