Intimacy problem in otherwise happy marriage.

[Watchman85]

I have been married to my wife for 16 years and we are under 40.  We have a one child who is 6 this year.  Our marriage is fairly strong, we hardly fight, we don't resent each other, we are on the same page with finances, our child, etc.  The problem is our sex life. 

Ever since our child was born my wife's libido has decreased dramatically.  For a long time I put up with it, perhaps distracted by everyday life.  The latter part of 2022 and early 2023 I started to become really dissatisfied with the intimacy and sex life with my wife.  Its not just the lack of sex, the poor quality of the sex at times but also the lack of effort on her part to show me affection without me having to initiate it.  It has created a room mate or sister dynamic rather than man and wife dynamic.  I also think that being under 40, that this is totally abnormal, its not like we are in our senior years and no longer have an interest in sex as much as a younger couple would. 

I'll start by saying that I trust her 100% and know that she isn't having an affair or interested in other men. 

First off, intercourse is rare, maybe once a month, and if something is going on that is stressing her, (usually work), then even that is off the table.  Birthdays and Valentine's day are also not a guarantee either. 

When intercourse does happen, it is not satisfying because she doesn't behave like I have since come to realize, what a good sex partner is suppose to be like. 

I am her only sexual partner and she was mine, until recently. 

Its hard to explain but she doesn't really get into it, she pulls away and says she is ticklish, she complains that the angle of penetration is bad or that its uncomfortable.  Basically her whole vibe is that she doesn't want to be doing it and is only doing so out of obligation, even though she insists that this is not the case. 

Now I am sure some folks are thinking, that I am a sucky lover, which is why she isn't into it, which was something I had considered in self reflection.  A number of recent encounters with another woman that I have had has made me realize that I am not the problem and I am getting no complaints at all from the other woman, who is able to achieve multiple orgasms and even want round two later on. 

I tried talking to my wife about the problem but the same pattern would emerge, things would get better for a time but would then revert to neglect on her part. 

I was completely open to anything that would improve things, role play, Viagra, sexy lingerie, maybe seeing if it was a hormone issue and suggesting she get checked out by the doctor, however anything that required her to take some initiative seemed to be dismissed and disregarded.  I bought lingerie, she wouldn't even try it on and told me to return it but made no effort to look for something she did like.  She flat out refuses to go to the doctor to see if there is a hormone imbalance impacting her libido.  She adamantly insists that she is still attracted to me and wants to be intimate but the behavior doesn't match the words. 

In early 2023 I snapped, not sure what incident was the final straw but I downloaded dating apps and began talking to other women.  I met a woman who I had an emotional affair with for a while, which seemed to satisfy some of the intimacy that I was missing, however she decided that she didn't want to proceed anymore since I was still married and unwilling to get a divorce, which is fair enough.

Bottom line is, I don't want to divorce my wife because I do love her and I can't justify breaking up our family and our home for my child, particularly when the only issue is our sex life, as important as that is to me.  People flippantly say "get a divorce" but is horrible for kids, destroys your finances and can get ugly real fast.  One thing me and my wife agree on is that we will never engage in a hateful and messy divorce, no matter what happens. 

When the emotional affair ended, I came clean to my wife about it and we had a long discussion.  I won't lie, I was pretty sad about things ending with the woman I was having an emotional affair with.  My wife said she wanted to move on from it and actually accepted that her neglect with intimacy and our sex life was partly to blame for my emotional affair. 

The problem is, nothing changed, the effort increased for a while but then lapsed into the same neglect.  Even on my birthday in late 2023, she was preoccupied with work, baking food for her colleagues the night before and on my birthday.  She got home late from work.  Then when the night came and my child was put to bed, she seemed to be hinting excuses about making sure out child doesn't wake up because she was in a light sleep.  So I coldly told her not to worry about it because I was tired of pity, obligation sex.

Oh side detail, we don't even get to share our marital bed with any privacy because our child still sleeps in our bed with us, now almost 6 years old.  When I have tried to suggest her sleeping in her own bed, I get the guilt trip that "she'll only be little once". 

I just feel as though my wife doesn't really want to be intimate with me or even affectionate most of the time.  I don't want to feel like intimacy is out of obligation because that isn't sexy and doesn't make me feel good at all.  We even discussed an open marriage and she grudgingly agreed to it if was something I had to do.

In November of 2023 I met another woman online.  She lives relatively close.  She is a single mother and I told her upfront about my situation.  She really likes me and said she was happy to be "friends with extras", basically my mistress.  The affection she shows me is just wonderful.  She makes me feel wanted and like I am a king.  The sex is also amazing and exciting.  She wants to be there, she wants me to make love to her, and she wants to make me happy too. 

So this is my situation.  I have come to the conclusion that I don't want to divorce my wife, it would be too painful for both of us and would be catastrophic for our child, who deserves to have a stable home with both parents being there.  I don't want to be part time or weekend dad, its not who I am.  I do love my wife very much, she is a wonderful woman, kind, patient and a great mother.  Having said that though, I have needs as a man, I am not ready for the retirement home or to be celibate.  I don't want to masturbate in the dark; I want an emotional connection with a woman and to have fun and exciting sex like other people my age do.  I have rationalized that this situation I am in, while far from being ideal, satisfies everyone.  My wife and child keep their husband and father and our family life is not impacted in any way.  I have my needs satisfied both physically and emotionally, and my mistress also gets her needs satisfied without having to sacrifice her independence or put up with me all the time. 

My mistress is a busy single mom of 3 children and doesn't really want to get married or give up the independence of her own home.

So that is the situation, is anyone else in a similar situation?  Does anyone have any advice about navigating having a mistress? 

I know some folks are going to want to hate on me for infidelity but believe me, this is not the ideal that I expected or wanted for my life.  When I got married at 22, I didn't sign up for celibacy and asexuality.  I know some folks will wonder why I don't just leave if my wife isn't enough but it is too hard; I really do love her so much, she is my best friend and someone I would trust with my life but I just can't ignore my needs anymore, I have to have some self respect and think about myself and my mental health.  That gut wrenching rejection I would feel every time my wife would make excuses, be thoughtless or indifferent, make me feel like an obligation, or just not be into it, was really affecting my self esteem and happiness. 

Since I have been with my mistress I have been happier at home, less moody, less angry, a better husband and father.  The situation is weird but it seems to be working, for now at least. 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Watchman85 said:

 .  A number of recent encounters with another woman that I have had has made me realize that I am not the problem and I am getting no complaints at all from the other woman, who is able to achieve multiple orgasms and even want round two later on. 

Was this an emotional affair? You seem open to a lot of stuff that turns you on but seem to have no interest in keeping the romance (not obligatory sex) alive . 

When is the last time you hired a babysitter, had a romantic kid free weekend or helped around the house? Your wife seems stressed out. 

[DarkCh0c0]

31 minutes ago, Watchman85 said:

Does anyone have any advice about navigating having a mistress? 

This is the wrong forum for a question like that.

No one will pat you on the back for engaging in such behaviour.

21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

When is the last time you hired a babysitter, had a romantic kid free weekend or helped around the house? Your wife seems stressed out

I'd like to know too. When was the last time you made efforts to be romantic outside the bedroom? Bring her flowers, give her a day off from the child, take her out to a place she likes, ect. All I hear is nagging about sex, but nothing about romance.

Also the baby sleeping in the bed is the #1 act that breaks sexual intimacy for a couple. You need to be more assertive and get the kid to sleep in a bedroom. It's not healthy at all for his development and your relationship.

Would you consider couples counseling? What does SHE think of all this situation?

[Watchman85]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Was this an emotional affair? You seem open to a lot of stuff that turns you on but seem to have no interest in keeping the romance (not obligatory sex) alive . 

When is the last time you hired a babysitter, had a romantic kid free weekend or helped around the house? Your wife seems stressed out. 

The first woman in early 2023 was just a close friendship with another woman but it was emotional affair territory.  The second woman I met in  November is my mistress and we have had sex.

I really have tried.  I am not a lazy, man-child husband.  I manage all our finances, we split the household chores and childcare responsibilities equally.  My wife's stress comes from her job; she is an administrator at a school.  She has always been stressed out even when she was a classroom teacher but it got worse when she was successfully hired for administration.  She has a worrying, anxious personality and in some ways isn't suited to the job position but with bills to pay and the economy how it is, we can't afford for her to quit; just like the majority of people in this country right now. 

I listen to her about her job and try to be supportive.  Take tonight for example, it was 9pm, my daughter was in our bed, we were in the living room.  I asked if she wanted to cuddle before bed, (no expectation of sex).  She said she was tired and was about to go to bed.  She then sat here for 25 minutes telling me about her bad day at work, which I don't mind at all, but we could have been cuddling as she talked.  Its this kind of lack of self awareness and cluelessness which I am tired of.  I put out the offer, it gets rejected. 

I like doing things too, I enjoy the opera, ballet, any kind of performance, but she just can't be bothered half the time to want to go do things.  We go out to eat a lot and we sometimes get child free time thanks to grandparents. 

Even when there is intimacy, and she is in a "I'll help you out" mindset, with her hands, is it normal for her to not want me to touch her?  Not even talking about her genitals, even her breasts?  Its just odd.  It doesn't feel right. 

My theory is that she has some hormone imbalances which might be impacting her libido and desire but she flat out refuses to go to the doctor and even get checked out.  It makes me feel like that she knows that this is an issue for me and yet she isn't even willing to do the bare minimum to try and fix it.  I have spoken to different women about it and every one of them have said it is weird. 

[Watchman85]

3 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

This is the wrong forum for a question like that.

No one will pat you on the back for engaging in such behaviour.

I'd like to know too. When was the last time you made efforts to be romantic outside the bedroom? Bring her flowers, give her a day off from the child, take her out to a place she likes, ect. All I hear is nagging about sex, but nothing about romance.

Also the baby sleeping in the bed is the #1 act that breaks sexual intimacy for a couple. You need to be more assertive and get the kid to sleep in a bedroom. It's not healthy at all for his development and your relationship.

Would you consider couples counseling? What does SHE think of all this situation?

I have to take issue with your assumption that she does everything with our child and housework, etc.  Its 50/50.  I see where you are coming from but this isn't a situation where she is the burned out housewife juggling everything while I am the lazy husband playing on my Xbox while making my sexual demands. 

Take gifts for example too; she is impossible to buy for.  She doesn't like flowers or chocolates, doesn't wear perfume, I would never buy her clothes because that is a big no no.  She doesn't wear jewelry.  I bought her expensive pearls for Christmas and instead of gratitude, I got told they were too expensive and that we could have bought something else.  We aren't hurting for money either, so its not a lack of money issue. 

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, Watchman85 said:

I want an emotional connection with a woman

If you want an emotional connection, you have to be focused on emotions. It sounds like you are mainly focused on physcial things. You talk about buying gifts of flowers, clothes, jewelry - all physical items. You talk about your "needs as a man" referring to sex - a physical act. You say you listened to her problems, but then focus on how she wasn't cuddling (a physical act) while she did it. Then you refer to her as clueless. If I'm with someone I am in love with, listening to their problems, I'm not caring if we are touching. My focus is entirely on how she is feeling and making sure she feels heard and understand. I'm thinking about her emotional state. If we touch it's because I reached out to give her a hug as I sign of my love and support. 

Sex is rarely the problem. Have you tried romance? And not just romance in the buy you a card and chocolates way. You talked about the things you enjoy going out and doing. Do you make a point to go out to the things that she enjoys (even if you might not care for it). Do you really listen to her and show your emotional support? If she likes the job she has, do you help her find ways to reduce the stress of the job? If she doesn't like it, have you thought of helping her look for something else or at least gain skills so she can eventually move into something she likes more? Reducing that stress could make a huge difference in her attitude as it is hard to get in the mood when you are constantly worrying about something. Knowing that you are there and helping her through the stress is already a start in reducing stress.

None of this is to say you are a bad person or judge you. I'm sure you help out in plenty of ways and you have the right to feel hurt by her lack of affection. But having an affair won't help in the long run. You will be lying to her everyday. You already had one affair which she accepted. Do you expect her to just keep accepting that you will be with other women? What happens if this affair ends? Would you find someone new? If you didn't sign on for a marriage with no sex, do you think she signed on for a marriage where her husband goes and has affairs with other women? Would that be good for her mental health? Or would it cause her the same gut wrenching rejection you are feeling? Would she see you as staying with her because of obligation or your actions as being thoughtless and indifferent to her self esteem and happiness? And is that kind of marriage really better to raise a child in?

 

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, Watchman85 said:

I have to take issue with your assumption that she does everything with our child and housework, etc.  Its 50/50

I wasn't talking about just chores. I mentioned romance. Women need to be emotionally connected to feel intimacy and passion.

What does she think of the relationship? If she doesn't want to change anything, then you have to put the situation for her on the table and let her knows there's no intimacy in the relationship and you're looking to seek it elsewhere. SHE needs to say or no to divorce too. It's not just your choice.

You need to be open with her about it and she will have her options. If she says "okay, keep having sex with other women as I can't give that to you and I don't want a divorce", then there you have it.

If you truly respect her as you you do, you'd come clean and you'd no longer need to hide your mistresses. Be honest at least. If she's your best friend and mother of your child, then be honest.

You haven't answered me on the child issue. Why won't you ask and insist for the child to sleep in their room?

Also, if you think doing this to your wife won't hurt your child, think again. The child will grow up in a loveless home, and he will struggle emotionally to form healthy relationships. They will struggle with trust. And, they will find out. They will know 🙃

[ShySoul]

10 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

You need to be open with her about it and she will have her options. If she says "okay, keep having sex with other women as I can't give that to you and I don't want a divorce", then there you have it.

If you truly respect her as you you do, you'd come clean and you'd no longer need to hide your mistresses. Be honest at least. If she's your best friend and mother of your child, then be honest.

Exactly. If you actually want to address the problem, you have to be honest. You said you feel bad about this and know it doesn't solve anything. The only way to solve something is to confront it. So let it all out and both of you can deal with it. That's what a marriage is, a partnership where both people have a say. You have a right to decide things aren't working for you, and she has the right to decide if the arrangement you've made will work for her.

I've seen affairs, both physical and emotional, wreck relationships. What causes the most problems is the lying and hiding. Honesty is really the best policy. It allows you to work through things, or decide when something just won't work.

[Kwothe28]

5 hours ago, Watchman85 said:

Since I have been with my mistress I have been happier at home, less moody, less angry, a better husband and father. 

Yes, because you swept your marriage issues under the rug and just took a mistress to have sex with instead. Instead of, you know, maybe working on an intimacy issues you have with your wife.

Also, how is this a happy marriage? She doesnt give it to you at all and you took on a mistress and cheating on her. Do you even understand that is not the definition of "happy"?

Either get divorce and then have sex with every woman willing to give sex to you or work on your marriage. Though I must admit second is already a lost cause. You are literally cheating your wife, dont think she would view that in positive light.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

Either get divorce and then have sex with every woman willing to give sex to you or work on your marriage. Though I must admit second is already a lost cause. You are literally cheating your wife, dont think she would view that in positive light.

I agree. There isn't trying-there is doing and not doing.  There is always  the option of divorce before doing what you chose to do -I was confused as to whether you actually had sex but even if not obviously you were sexting or similar which sounds like in your marriage is breaking your marriage vows and inconsistent with your commitment to your wife.  It wasn't your wife's fault that you chose  to do this.

[Coily]

I can't respect your choice, I can understand it and have sympathy for your unfortunate position.

So, the question is; outside of the physical gartification, and I'm sure there's a level of emotional affection is being filled as well; what long term benefit are you getting from having a mistress?  You speak of protecting your child, but what about the impact on your mistress' three kids?

I think you need to step back from all of this for a second and think of the risks involved for all. you are juggling seven lives here.

I can appreciate the hell that you are navigating with your wife,.

[Jaunty]

You have to be honest.   Unless you want to be a garden variety jerk, you need to either organize an open marriage with your wife, with her agreement, or free yourself from that contract.

 

[tattoobunnie]

You are already a part-time dad and spouse, since you have another dishonest life.  Have you not seen any news since 2019?  As an administrator, she is subject to endless Karens and Kyles, conspiracy theories how she's a "groomer," coupled with a culture of screens we forced upon our children to "remote" learn, along with armed security and prepping for mass shootings.  And now, she's magically supposed to "turn on" for you, the dude who's been CHEATING on her for years now between two women.

Maybe it's hormones, or maybe it's the fact that the dude who is supposed to be her rock has been CHEATING on her between two women.  There is nothing romantic or sexy about this.

It's time to call it a day.  You are unfaithful, and she deserves better.

[boltnrun]

Imagine your child or children witnessing you sneaking around with this other woman. Would you want them to see?

A man I used to know was having an affair for the same reasons you give. One time he was at a restaurant with his affair and she decided to perform oral on him in the restaurant parking lot. Two of his kids happened to go to the same restaurant at the same time and walked up to his truck window while his affair had her face buried in his lap and his schlong in her mouth. Imagine how that went. Spoiler alert: not well. 

And there's no reason why a divorce has to be dirty or messy. It can be civil. Mine was and yes, we share a child. 

[redswim30]

Divorces do not have to be messy and terrible. 

Many people are in fact BETTER parents when they can focus on parenting as opposed to their struggling marriage.  I'd argue that sometimes divorces are better for children than having two struggling parents that live together as roommates. 

You may love your wife and she may love you, but you are clearly not IN LOVE with each other anymore.  You said it yourself, she feels like a sister and she is definitely treating you as a sibling or friend as well, not as a spouse. 

If you did not have a child, would you consider a divorce?  IMVHO, staying in a marriage ONLY for the kids is usually a bad idea and for more toxic for the child that parents even realize. 

You SAY you wife was fine with having an "open marriage", but I'm wondering if she truly knows you look on her as a sister. And that this other woman is NOT just an "affair partner or mistress", you are softening this for both her and yourself- this woman is your GIRLFRIEND- Please stop lying to yourself about this.  You are married with a girlfriend which is not fair to either woman, and I don't think you wife really fully realizes this.  Your GF might be fine with this for now, but I'm doubting she will be forever.  You need to face facts about this before things get really messy. 

You need to sit down and have a frank conversation with your wife. You may be married on paper, but neither of you is really behaving as though you are married. You with your girlfriend and her not caring about intimacy with you at all.  You should have a real conversation about this, "I need to be honest with you about how I am feeling.  No matter what happens, I want to focus on raising our child together.  However, I no longer feel romantic feelings for you, and I feel like you have also checked out of the marriage romantically.  I am feeling like we are more like siblings or friends than spouses.  If you do not want to divorce under any circumstances, then we need to be open about how we are honestly feeling about each other instead of ignoring it.  I have a girlfriend.  She is not just a casual sex partner. If you are okay with me keeping a girlfriend who can meet my needs that you cannot, then perhaps we can work out staying married.  Or if you are not okay with this, then perhaps we should discuss separating and continuing to be good parents to our child.  Divorce is an option, and we can maintain a good relationship if it comes to this."

You need to have this conversation, because this is what you aren't saying to each other.  You are both avoiding reality.  If you do not have this conversation by choice, it WILL happen eventually under more heated circumstances.  Ironically by not bringing up the possibility of divorce, you are almost ensuring you will HAVE a messy one if you continue to ignore and sweep reality under the rug in the long term. 

Having your cake and eating it too will only last for so long. 

 

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Watchman85 said:

, we are on the same page with finances, our child, etc.  The problem is our sex life.

It's doubtful your wife is "on the same page"  staying home alone hearing another"working late" excuse babysitting your child and doing your laundry while you're out wining and dining some woman to get laid. Unfortunately your marriage is a sham and a lie and your "solution" only works for you. 

 

[redswim30]

15 hours ago, Watchman85 said:

  I have rationalized that this situation I am in, while far from being ideal, satisfies everyone.  My wife and child keep their husband and father and our family life is not impacted in any way.  I have my needs satisfied both physically and emotionally, and my mistress also gets her needs satisfied without having to sacrifice her independence or put up with me all the time. 

My mistress is a busy single mom of 3 children and doesn't really want to get married or give up the independence of her own home.

I know some folks will wonder why I don't just leave if my wife isn't enough but it is too hard; I really do love her so much, she is my best friend and someone I would trust with my life but I just can't ignore my needs anymore, I have to have some self respect and think about myself and my mental health.  That gut wrenching rejection I would feel every time my wife would make excuses, be thoughtless or indifferent, make me feel like an obligation, or just not be into it, was really affecting my self esteem and happiness. 

Your family is already being impacted by this, whether you see it or not.  You are already on the route to divorce, whether you see it or not.  Kids are smarter than you think.  You are currently modeling for your daughter a blueprint for how she will view relationships and marriage. 

Your Girlfriend not wanting to marry you or give up independence does not mean she has not or will not form any emotional attachment to you or at some point feel possessive of you. 

If your wife really IS your best friend- then as best friends you should admit that you are in not love with each other anymore. (Loving someone as a person is not the same as being IN LOVE with them). Many people who divorce still have love for each other, but cannot live with severe incompatibility.  You have severe incompatibility as spouses, even if you are compatible as friends.    You need to tell her the FULL truth and let her decide if she wants to stay in a sham/friendship marriage or get a divorce so you can both be with people who you are both more compatible with.  And so your child has a healthy example.  You are risking more than you think- you know your GF's kids COULD say something to your kid, right?  If they haven't already- " You know your Dad comes to our mom's house all the time?"  It's VERY easy with the internet and social media for kids to communicate without grownups knowing.  If nothing else, you should think about protecting your child. Kids hear stuff thru the grapevine all the time these days. 

You and your wife are lying to each other and avoiding telling each other the truth about your feelings- divorce is inevitable.  This is not in any way a happy or healthy marriage. You either need to step up and admit it now or it will come out later in a much worse- and likely unexpected way.  This sham marriage is not sustainable. 

[chess103]

Damn I don't know what to say other than you and I are in very similar situations. I also had an emotional affair that just ended which I'm still selfishly hurting, some physical but no sex. I haven't had sex with my wife in at least 7 months I think. It'll probably hit a year soon.

Sometimes people are just not compatible sexually. It sucks but unless you work on it, this could get worse. Either you keep trying to make it work, keep having affairs/mistresses or divorce. I know I'm not much help but you're going to have to weigh all options. I'm personally possibly opting for divorce but it's very scary so proceed with caution and do your research if you take that route.

[boltnrun]

How would you feel if your wife agrees to an "open marriage" and she started having sex with other men? After all, if the marriage is open that would apply to the both of you, not just you.