chess103

Original poster here. I can't respond individually to each one b/c it would take too long but I do sincerely appreciate everyone who has taken the time to give advice. I know what I did was wrong. Someone asked why I haven't really put in the effort to salvage the marriage. Yes I do it owe it to my wife and daughter to try. I think user Redswim nailed it. I just don't think I'm in love. I've actually had discussions with my wife actually about my conflicting view on our marriage lately. I don't know if she's in denial but for some weird reason, I don't think she fully grasps the idea on how disconnected I feel with her even after telling her. We even had some alone time albeit briefly without my kid and I just didn't feel much. I did bring up the topic on more than one occasion. But yes the effort hasn't been as much as it should objectively be and I'm owning that. My gut is telling me I don't have enough in me to love her the way she deserves. In the meantime, I'm still going to therapy and will seek some legal advice if it does happen. I know I messed up guys/gals. No excuses. I just feel like crap about the entire situation and how I've handled it but I gotta keep moving forward.

Damn I don't know what to say other than you and I are in very similar situations. I also had an emotional affair that just ended which I'm still selfishly hurting, some physical but no sex. I haven't had sex with my wife in at least 7 months I think. It'll probably hit a year soon. Sometimes people are just not compatible sexually. It sucks but unless you work on it, this could get worse. Either you keep trying to make it work, keep having affairs/mistresses or divorce. I know I'm not much help but you're going to have to weigh all options. I'm personally possibly opting for divorce but it's very scary so proceed with caution and do your research if you take that route.

Even though I enjoy my independence and freedom, I have deep rooted pain from my childhood in which I didn't really have anyone to talk to about my problems. And because of that, I bottled up all my feelings for over 20 years before finally seeing a therapist in my mid 30's. I think when I got my first girlfriend in high school, it was a high I never experienced before. I finally had someone to confide in and I think that has made me a bit of a love addict going into adulthood. That is partially why it led me to this mess. The thought of not having anyone around to confide in brings me back to my childhood. I think that's it. I hate feeling like this but that's where I'm at.

I don't know how to reply to each individual person but I appreciate all the responses. to redswim30, Everything you said makes sense. We tried working on the marriage but honestly not enough and that's my fault. Yes my wife deserves better which does eat me alive. I even told her that. I am seeing a therapist this Saturday to sort out my crap but it's a mess I created which I'm not proud about. And yes, I am afraid of being alone, I can admit. I'm scared. But I know that if I'm capable of having an affair, it could happen again which just can't happen. to Adrina, Thank you for giving me perspective on my duties as a father. Though I'm a total tool for doing this, I have not let it affect me in my child caring duties by any means. to wiseman, Yes thinking with the wrong head isn't good. Marriage therapy should be in the works as well.

Okay this is my first ever post so I have no clue if I'm going to get ripped a new one b/c I'm not proud of my actions but here we are. Just looking for some objective outside perspective please. Anyways, I'm in my mid 40's and have been married over 11 years but been with my wife 8 years prior for a total of 19 years. The marriage overall was good until recently. We rarely fight, come from similar backgrounds, good jobs etc. We have everything on paper. The nice house, one beautiful daughter etc. Once we had our daughter who's almost five, things got distant. It happened gradually but the sex diminished. My wife never had a strong sex drive to begin with prior to our kid being born. In addition, she's a bit closed off emotionally as well. Fast forward to the present and I ended up having an emotional affair with a woman in her late 30's for only about 5 weeks or so but this was not a normal affair. She often wrestled with the guilt knowing I had a wife and daughter at home. So multiple times she would end it only to come back and restart the emotional affair. We were addicted to one another. We finally decided to have one date to see if something could be of more. We had physical intimacy like no other (kissing, some heavy petting etc) but no sex. I truly felt like even prior to this, that I was in love with her. A week later, upon scheduling another date, she broke up with me for good. It was too much for her. She said she loved me but it was too much. The kicker is that I told her I will divorce her, which I totally mean but she says she simply can't be apart of this and that I need to divorce on my terms and not for her b/c she doesn't want to be blamed if it doesn't work out (being labeled a home wrecker). She's completely right and I obviously made a huge mistake doing this in the first place. I'm not excusing my behavior but it happened. I think my marriage is over and need to file for divorce soon regardless if this girl is in the picture or not. Not sure if anyone has dealt with something similar but any insight would be great. Yes I'm scared to death to end it. Our marriage is 100% tolerable and she's a great gal but I simply can't connect with her on a deep emotional level and this was even before I met this girl. Do I just stay in the marriage? We have everything we need. Or do I take the biggest risk of my life, divorce not even knowing this girl will even want me and end up all alone after affecting so many people's lives due to my selfishness? Thanks.