I had an emotional and physical affair (no sex) and it's over.

[chess103]

Okay this is my first ever post so I have no clue if I'm going to get ripped a new one b/c I'm not proud of my actions but here we are. Just looking for some objective outside perspective please.

Anyways, I'm in my mid 40's and have been married over 11 years but been with my wife 8 years prior for a total of 19 years. The marriage overall was good until recently. We rarely fight, come from similar backgrounds, good jobs etc. We have everything on paper. The nice house, one beautiful daughter etc.

Once we had our daughter who's almost five, things got distant. It happened gradually but the sex diminished. My wife never had a strong sex drive to begin with prior to our kid being born. In addition, she's a bit closed off emotionally as well.

Fast forward to the present and I ended up having an emotional affair with a woman in her late 30's for only about 5 weeks or so but this was not a normal affair. She often wrestled with the guilt knowing I had a wife and daughter at home. So multiple times she would end it only to come back and restart the emotional affair. We were addicted to one another.

We finally decided to have one date to see if something could be of more. We had physical intimacy like no other (kissing, some heavy petting etc) but no sex. I truly felt like even prior to this, that I was in love with her.

A week later, upon scheduling another date, she broke up with me for good. It was too much for her. She said she loved me but it was too much. The kicker is that I told her I will divorce her, which I totally mean but she says she simply can't be apart of this and that I need to divorce on my terms and not for her b/c she doesn't want to be blamed if it doesn't work out (being labeled a home wrecker).

She's completely right and I obviously made a huge mistake doing this in the first place. I'm not excusing my behavior but it happened. I think my marriage is over and need to file for divorce soon regardless if this girl is in the picture or not.

Not sure if anyone has dealt with something similar but any insight would be great. Yes I'm scared to death to end it. Our marriage is 100% tolerable and she's a great gal but I simply can't connect with her on a deep emotional level and this was even before I met this girl.

Do I just stay in the marriage? We have everything we need. Or do I take the biggest risk of my life, divorce not even knowing this girl will even want me and end up all alone after affecting so many people's lives due to my selfishness? Thanks.

 

 

[Andrina]

Get a divorce. Do not date for at least a good long year for many reasons. The primary reason is to concentrate on your daughter, getting her used to the new family dynamic. The second is to be able to choose wisely, with a clear head, moving forward.

Usually, people who date someone taken, totally lose interest once their sexual partner becomes fully available. Even if they say otherwise, they didn't want something serious and liked the intrigue, not having to put in the daily effort a serious relationship required.

It's more mature and ethically right to end one relationship before beginning another. I've known people who've created toxicity that spread far and wide because of infidelity. Stop all that now before gossip rears its ugly head and your child one day finds out shocking things she never should have been subject to.

She didn't ask to be brought into this world, so you need to do what's best for her, even if it means delaying your gratification in other areas of your life until a more opportune time, when the divorce is well in the past and co-parenting is running smoothly.

You will then be ready to attract decent women and not be jumping into rebound stuff that ends as quickly as it started because you haven't first gone through the needed steps.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, chess103 said:

, upon scheduling another date, she broke up with me for good. It was too much for her.  I told her I will divorce her, which I totally mean but she says she simply can't be apart of this and that I need to divorce on my terms and not for her b/c she doesn't want to be blamed if it doesn't work out (being labeled a home wrecker).

Sorry this is happening. Luckily this woman has the smarts to avoid the married man trap and the lies about "we're like roommates", "staying for the kids", etc. 

If you want to try you could suggest marriage therapy. You could also consult an attorney for information advice and support for your specific situation and what divorce would entail.

Please try to make decisions with some balance instead of letting Woody woodpecker make your choices. 

[redswim30]

Why is it you were willing to divorce your wife when this over woman was in the picture, but now that she is gone you are reluctant?  

This suggests that you don't really care about staying married to your wife, you are just afraid of being alone.   

You need to get divorced as you are no longer in love with your wife and clearly only interested in staying with her for financial reasons and possibly for your child. 

Please re-read your post.  Please take note that there is no mention of you trying to work through issues with your wife.  Everything you mention about your wife is really about you.  Nowhere do you say you love your wife and don't want to hurt her.  You express more worry for yourself and about this other woman, than you do for your wife and child.  That should really tell you everything.  Your heart and mind are not on your marriage.  You don't really care about your marriage nor are you invested in saving it.  

If you are no longer in love with your wife and stood ready to divorce her for someone you were having an affair with, then you do NOT have "everything you need".   Staying in a loveless marriage in which you are cheating on your wife and offering to leave her for another woman IS extremely selfish.   Divorcing your wife would be the honest and right thing to do.  If you remain emotionally unhappy and can't connect with your wife, you will only continue to cheat on her.  Please do not stay with her out of complacency or fear.  Do not stay in this marriage because you have a nice house and child.   I doubt your wife signed up for a "marriage" in which her husband stays with her for the nice house and for friendship while he goes off and has love affairs that he is willing to leave her for. 

You can't take back the past but you can control your present and future.   Please divorce your wife.  She doesn't deserve to be your consolation friendship relationship if the romantic one with your girlfriend doesn't work out, so that you can look like a good guy and remain in your nice house. 

[chess103]

I don't know how to reply to each individual person but I appreciate all the responses.

to redswim30,

Everything you said makes sense. We tried working on the marriage but honestly not enough and that's my fault. Yes my wife deserves better which does eat me alive. I even told her that. I am seeing a therapist this Saturday to sort out my crap but it's a mess I created which I'm not proud about. And yes, I am afraid of being alone, I can admit. I'm scared. But I know that if I'm capable of having an affair, it could happen again which just can't happen.

 

to Adrina,

Thank you for giving me perspective on my duties as a father. Though I'm a total tool for doing this, I have not let it affect me in my child caring duties by any means.

 

to wiseman,

Yes thinking with the wrong head isn't good. Marriage therapy should be in the works as well.

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, chess103 said:

And yes, I am afraid of being alone, I can admit. I'm scared.

What exactly are you "afraid" of?  Can you elaborate?

[chess103]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

What exactly are you "afraid" of?  Can you elaborate?

Even though I enjoy my independence and freedom, I have deep rooted pain from my childhood in which I didn't really have anyone to talk to about my problems. And because of that, I bottled up all my feelings for over 20 years before finally seeing a therapist in my mid 30's.

I think when I got my first girlfriend in high school, it was a high I never experienced before. I finally had someone to confide in and I think that has made me a bit of a love addict going into adulthood. That is partially why it led me to this mess.

The thought of not having anyone around to confide in brings me back to my childhood. I think that's it. I hate feeling like this but that's where I'm at.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, chess103 said:

.The thought of not having anyone around to confide in brings me back to my childhood. . I hate feeling like this but that's where I'm at.

In addition to consulting an attorney for logistical and practical information and advice, please consult a licensed qualified therapist to unpack an sort some of this out and for ongoing support.

Whether you stay and navigate that or leave an have to navigate that, it will help to have someone to confide in.

Please don't worry about childhood trauma, you can't change the past, but you can' get through the present and future with appropriate help and support. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

15 hours ago, chess103 said:

I truly felt like even prior to this, that I was in love with her.

It’s called an affair fog

In reading your initial post, it’s likely that you and your wife were not that compatible in the first place, but you, not wanting to be alone and/or not knowing how to navigate/understand your own boundaries and needs, carried on with the relationship.  As it went on you felt deprived and resentment grew, on the flip side of that coin, was the justification you felt to betray trust and destroy your entire family dynamic when a new woman showed up and filled your voids.  That isn’t love; and nothing justifies you betraying your wife and child at one of the deepest emotional depths they could ever experience  

you need help 

[boltnrun]

Hiding your feelings behind a romantic or sexual relationship is unhealthy. It also places an unbearable burden on your partner. Please understand it's up to you, not a partner, to deal with your childhood trauma. 

This is also likely why your relationships aren't working. You're chasing a high OR numbness, not a mutually loving and respectful relationship. 

[lostandhurt]

Did you ever love your wife?  Were you ever In Love with her?  If so why can't you try and regain that BEFORE throwing it all away?

 Yes it may seem impossible right now but that is because it took a while to get where you are and yet you have put virtually no effort into getting back there.  Let me be perfectly frank with you.  You owe it to your vows and your daughter to at least try and by try I mean paying a professional couples counselor that knows what they are doing to help you both figure out how you got here and if you can find your way back.

 When you are divorced, lost most of your stuff, paying child support and alimony for a long time and are alone struggling to go day to day the one thing you can look back on is that you tried your best to save the marriage.  If you don't the question will always hang over your head.  If you both try and save what was once built on hopes and dreams full of love and it cannot be saved then you both can divorce knowing you tried and then neither is the bad guy and you can face your daughter and each other knowing divorce was the right choice made together.

 As far as this other woman is concerned.  Cheating is a choice made by selfish people.  You state it could happen again because of the state of your marriage but that is a lie.  Cheaters lie all the time and the first lie they ever tell is to themselves.  You cheated but it was not due to the state of your marriage, you cheated because you are selfish and only thought of yourself but you lie to yourself to make what you are doing less of a bad thing.  Own it and while in therapy figure out why you so easily betrayed your wife, daughter and your character.  You cheated because you chose to just like you can choose not to cheat.  It is all on you either way and nobody else.

 Keep posting it will help and do a search on here and do some reading.  Your story is pretty common so you might glean some insight into your future by reading others threads.

 Good luck

 Lost

[LotusBlack]

On 4/12/2024 at 3:02 AM, chess103 said:

Okay this is my first ever post so I have no clue if I'm going to get ripped a new one b/c I'm not proud of my actions but here we are. Just looking for some objective outside perspective please.

Anyways, I'm in my mid 40's and have been married over 11 years but been with my wife 8 years prior for a total of 19 years. The marriage overall was good until recently. We rarely fight, come from similar backgrounds, good jobs etc. We have everything on paper. The nice house, one beautiful daughter etc.

Once we had our daughter who's almost five, things got distant. It happened gradually but the sex diminished. My wife never had a strong sex drive to begin with prior to our kid being born. In addition, she's a bit closed off emotionally as well.

Fast forward to the present and I ended up having an emotional affair with a woman in her late 30's for only about 5 weeks or so but this was not a normal affair. She often wrestled with the guilt knowing I had a wife and daughter at home. So multiple times she would end it only to come back and restart the emotional affair. We were addicted to one another.

We finally decided to have one date to see if something could be of more. We had physical intimacy like no other (kissing, some heavy petting etc) but no sex. I truly felt like even prior to this, that I was in love with her.

A week later, upon scheduling another date, she broke up with me for good. It was too much for her. She said she loved me but it was too much. The kicker is that I told her I will divorce her, which I totally mean but she says she simply can't be apart of this and that I need to divorce on my terms and not for her b/c she doesn't want to be blamed if it doesn't work out (being labeled a home wrecker).

She's completely right and I obviously made a huge mistake doing this in the first place. I'm not excusing my behavior but it happened. I think my marriage is over and need to file for divorce soon regardless if this girl is in the picture or not.

Not sure if anyone has dealt with something similar but any insight would be great. Yes I'm scared to death to end it. Our marriage is 100% tolerable and she's a great gal but I simply can't connect with her on a deep emotional level and this was even before I met this girl.

Do I just stay in the marriage? We have everything we need. Or do I take the biggest risk of my life, divorce not even knowing this girl will even want me and end up all alone after affecting so many people's lives due to my selfishness? Thanks.

 

 

This is the thing I really don’t get about partners who leave a relationship like this: why wait until things get bad and they’re already emotionally over before one spouse then cheats or cuts and runs? If, in my relationship, I started to see cracks or my feelings were changing, I’d be straight on it to mitigate further risk and damage. I’d be acknowledging the issue head on so the relationship doesn’t deteriorate beyond repair.

OP, when you first started noticing that you were distancing yourself emotionally from your wife, why did you not have a conversation with her about it and put in place a plan of action to try to prevent the relationship from falling apart? That is what we promise to do in our vows when we first get married. And, if after all is said and done and the relationship cannot be saved after all despite preventative measures, then of course seek a way to amicably separate. But why wait until nothing can be done and the other partner is hit suddenly with the unexpected reality that their relationship is over before they even knew there was a problem?

[redswim30]

21 hours ago, chess103 said:

Everything you said makes sense. We tried working on the marriage but honestly not enough and that's my fault. Yes my wife deserves better which does eat me alive. I even told her that. I am seeing a therapist this Saturday to sort out my crap but it's a mess I created which I'm not proud about. And yes, I am afraid of being alone, I can admit. I'm scared. But I know that if I'm capable of having an affair, it could happen again which just can't happen.

 

Sometimes working on a marriage can resolve issues but only if both parties all fully invested.  IMVHO, it likely didn't work because the truth is that deep down you are just not in love with your wife (you already know this) and don't really want to be married to her.  You want her friendship and for her to think well of you and serve as your buffer for not being alone. 

This is why the idea of divorce felt fine to you when you thought you could have another person filling your voids, but now without that backup, you are scared.   I get it.  Being alone can be scary.  But the truth is you are already alone, even if you still live in the same house as your wife.  

We all have to confront our inner issues alone, whether are are married, dating someone or single.  No other person can fix problems inside us. I'm glad you said you are getting into therapy, as I think this will help give you clarity and start you on a good path towards healing. 

IMVHO, you are never going to be the best version of yourself or be the best partner you can be until you start resolving your own issues.   Please face facts that you are no longer in love with your wife. You are staying with her out of fear, complacency and comfort.  If you were madly in love with her or truly deeply wanted your marriage to work, you wouldn't have sought (and kept) and affair and even offered to get a divorce for her.  Please divorce her so she can be free to find someone who really wants her as a spouse and not just as a friend/security blanket.    You are already just friends with your wife, so why not make it official and do the truly loving thing by letting her go to find someone that really wants her. 

Only after you work on your own personal traumas and healing will you really be able to see if you want or can be a good partner to another person.   Facing trauma and working towards healing are scary things.  But this is a journey you should take alone.  

[catfeeder]

On 4/11/2024 at 1:02 PM, chess103 said:

Do I just stay in the marriage? We have everything we need. Or do I take the biggest risk of my life, divorce not even knowing this girl will even want me and end up all alone after affecting so many people's lives due to my selfishness?

These aren't your only two options. First, the girl didn't stick around for you to divorce your wife, so it makes sense to recognize that she's moving on and may find herself a partner regardless of what you choose to do.

Second, 'just staying' in the marriage isn't exactly a pro-active option. You could remain in the marriage and seek counseling to try to get more of your needs met. You could separate and explore what life would be like for each of you without the other in your daily lives, then decide from there whether to proceed with a divorce or whether to try at a partnership again.

If you are not currently in therapy, this would be a good time to hire a therapist who specializes in marriage and family counseling. Regardless of whether you opt for marriage counseling with your wife, a family therapist can best help you navigate your current situation in addition to helping you to heal from your past.

I'd also consider seeking legal advice from an attorney in your location. Ask for a list of your current options along with the best steps to take for each options. This is not the same thing as filling for divorce, it's information gathering. From there, you can operate based on real information rather than on emotions alone.

[chess103]

Original poster here. I can't respond individually to each one b/c it would take too long but I do sincerely appreciate everyone who has taken the time to give advice.

I know what I did was wrong. Someone asked why I haven't really put in the effort to salvage the marriage. Yes I do it owe it to my wife and daughter to try. I think user Redswim nailed it. I just don't think I'm in love. I've actually had discussions with my wife actually about my conflicting view on our marriage lately. I don't know if she's in denial but for some weird reason, I don't think she fully grasps the idea on how disconnected I feel with her even after telling her. We even had some alone time albeit briefly without my kid and I just didn't feel much. I did bring up the topic on more than one occasion. But yes the effort hasn't been as much as it should objectively be and I'm owning that.

My gut is telling me I don't have enough in me to love her the way she deserves. In the meantime, I'm still going to therapy and will seek some legal advice if it does happen.

I know I messed up guys/gals. No excuses. I just feel like crap about the entire situation and how I've handled it but I gotta keep moving forward.

 

[redswim30]

16 hours ago, chess103 said:

 

I know what I did was wrong. Someone asked why I haven't really put in the effort to salvage the marriage. Yes I do it owe it to my wife and daughter to try. I think user Redswim nailed it. I just don't think I'm in love. I've actually had discussions with my wife actually about my conflicting view on our marriage lately. I don't know if she's in denial but for some weird reason, I don't think she fully grasps the idea on how disconnected I feel with her even after telling her. We even had some alone time albeit briefly without my kid and I just didn't feel much. I did bring up the topic on more than one occasion. But yes the effort hasn't been as much as it should objectively be and I'm owning that.

My gut is telling me I don't have enough in me to love her the way she deserves. In the meantime, I'm still going to therapy and will seek some legal advice if it does happen.

I know I messed up guys/gals. No excuses. I just feel like crap about the entire situation and how I've handled it but I gotta keep moving forward.

 

You can't change what happened.  Like you said, all you can do is move forward and try to apply what lessons you have learned from it. 

IMVHO, and some people may disagree, but if you already know you aren't in love with you wife and know that any "efforts" you make are going to be half hearted on your part, then there's really no point going through those motions and giving your wife a sense of false hope where there really isn't any.  I actually think if you already know where your feelings lie and you don't see them changing, then you should be honest with both yourself and with her that it is over.  It does no one ANY good to pretend to "make the effort" if you already know your heart isn't in it.  IMVHO, to do so would actually be cruel to your wife to pretend you are invested when you really aren't.  Let me tell you in all honesty as someone who was married to someone who kept giving me false hope that he was interested in "fixing things" when he really WASN'T- the emotionally yo-yoing he put me through was MUCH worse than if he had just been honest with me about wanting a divorce in the first place.  We ended up divorcing anyways, but now besides just being heartbroken, I also felt deceived and that he had wasted my time.  

It's likely your wife is either in denial about your true feelings OR (and this happens more often that you may think) she may KNOW but cares more about keeping you there as a husband and father figure than worrying about true closeness.  For some people, that's enough.  However, you aren't obligated to stay in a romantically loveless marriage to make someone else comfortable.  I think it's time to be totally honest and let go of the security blanket.   Do this after you have a safe place to go to and have gathered information.  But I think it's going to be necessary to have a real and tough conversation with your wife. You need to tell her how unhappy and unfulfilled you are romantically and that you had an ongoing affair. This may snap her into reality about how serious your issues are.   She may want to divorce you for that alone.  (No matter what she has said in in the past, you never know until you are IN that situation how you will really feel).  Or she may decide that a friendship marriage is enough for her.  But you will never know until you face the music.  You also need to consider what you really want deep down. 

I know divorce is scary.  I've been there.  But honestly, you are already emotionally divorced from her. She should get to have a say in how she really feels about that and how she wants to proceed- with full disclosure from you.  Then you can both make an informed decision together.  I hope for your sake she is truly interested a non-messy divorce. 

[catfeeder]

I know some couples who opted to stay together through the blahs because they were focused on prioritizing their family and cultivating their home and friendships and shared bonds. I know others who divorced yet in hindsight ended up wishing they had stayed with their partner and what they'd built together. I know still others who divorced and went on to build partnerships with other people, or they've remained single out of choice.

All of the above are valid options. We are not the morality police here, and we're also not living your life FOR you, so we don't get a vote. I will say, however, that I would opt to fully lean into my choices--none of this half-azzed, "I'll just resign myself to misery..." stuff. I mean, you can do that if you want, it's not against the law, but it's a mental take-down of yourself and everyone around you.

I can appreciate that you feel this way in this moment, because this is how people typically feel after a breakup. So grief is natural, but I'd reach for some professional help with it. People have no trouble hiring a plumber or electrician or tax accountant when they need that level of expertise, so why disqualify your whole quality of life when there is expertise to be hired there to help you enhance it?

[lostandhurt]

On 4/14/2024 at 5:52 PM, chess103 said:

I don't think she fully grasps the idea on how disconnected I feel with her even after telling her. We even had some alone time albeit briefly without my kid and I just didn't feel much. I did bring up the topic on more than one occasion. But yes the effort hasn't been as much as it should objectively be and I'm owning that.

This is why couples counseling is so important.  There is no way of avoiding anything sitting in that room talking with a professional.  It gets real super fast for both of you.

 Many times on this site we see someone like you that is in a relationship that is not doing well and then they meet someone and a spark is ignited.  Is it real or is it just you have been starved for that feeling for so long?  Then they decide they never really loved their partner or some other justification for what they are doing.  Like I said the first lie a cheater tells is to themselves.

 Put in the effort with an open mind.  It may only last 3 or 4 sessions before you both realize the marriage is over or if it is worth saving but at least you BOTH will be involved in the discussion. 

 Every time you pick up your kid for your visitation and then drop them off again you can at least look them in the eye and know you tried your best before you broke the family apart.

You might see it as a waste of time but if your wife sees what you see in counseling then the chances of a non adversarial divorce are a lot higher. She gets blindsided and who knows how this could go...

Lost