Watchman85

No. She is a single mother. She says that she accepts my position on not leaving my wife. Of course if that changes, I won't be leaving my wife and daughter and it'll be over. I like her a lot but we both have our red lines. She never wants to marry or leave her current home, I don't want to leave my wife. It'll work as long as we both respect the red lines agreed upon. We both get something from the arrangement which is why I think it works.

I mean you are right. It does weigh on me and it is a burden to live a double life. I know you are right too, it doesn't fix the underlying problem but I have accepted that it might be a problem that can't be fixed and may be one I have to live with in the most tolerable way possible. For me personally seeking the affection I need from another woman is making the best of a crappy situation.

So I should tolerate rejection and neglect? You are putting the cart before the horse, her neglect is why my affection is going elsewhere; she doesn't seem to want it. You also assume that she pays enough attention to even notice or care that my affections are being spent elsewhere.

I have to take issue with your assumption that she does everything with our child and housework, etc. Its 50/50. I see where you are coming from but this isn't a situation where she is the burned out housewife juggling everything while I am the lazy husband playing on my Xbox while making my sexual demands. Take gifts for example too; she is impossible to buy for. She doesn't like flowers or chocolates, doesn't wear perfume, I would never buy her clothes because that is a big no no. She doesn't wear jewelry. I bought her expensive pearls for Christmas and instead of gratitude, I got told they were too expensive and that we could have bought something else. We aren't hurting for money either, so its not a lack of money issue.

The first woman in early 2023 was just a close friendship with another woman but it was emotional affair territory. The second woman I met in November is my mistress and we have had sex. I really have tried. I am not a lazy, man-child husband. I manage all our finances, we split the household chores and childcare responsibilities equally. My wife's stress comes from her job; she is an administrator at a school. She has always been stressed out even when she was a classroom teacher but it got worse when she was successfully hired for administration. She has a worrying, anxious personality and in some ways isn't suited to the job position but with bills to pay and the economy how it is, we can't afford for her to quit; just like the majority of people in this country right now. I listen to her about her job and try to be supportive. Take tonight for example, it was 9pm, my daughter was in our bed, we were in the living room. I asked if she wanted to cuddle before bed, (no expectation of sex). She said she was tired and was about to go to bed. She then sat here for 25 minutes telling me about her bad day at work, which I don't mind at all, but we could have been cuddling as she talked. Its this kind of lack of self awareness and cluelessness which I am tired of. I put out the offer, it gets rejected. I like doing things too, I enjoy the opera, ballet, any kind of performance, but she just can't be bothered half the time to want to go do things. We go out to eat a lot and we sometimes get child free time thanks to grandparents. Even when there is intimacy, and she is in a "I'll help you out" mindset, with her hands, is it normal for her to not want me to touch her? Not even talking about her genitals, even her breasts? Its just odd. It doesn't feel right. My theory is that she has some hormone imbalances which might be impacting her libido and desire but she flat out refuses to go to the doctor and even get checked out. It makes me feel like that she knows that this is an issue for me and yet she isn't even willing to do the bare minimum to try and fix it. I have spoken to different women about it and every one of them have said it is weird.

I really feel for your situation my friend. I am in a similar situation, though my wife hasn't become openly hostile or totally indifferent to my feelings like your wife seems to have, (not to speak out of turn). I totally get your apprehension regarding divorce and leaving her, particularly if kids are in the picture too. Its hard to want to divorce and walk away from a woman you consider to be your best friend and soul mate. Not to mention the financial cost and disruption to both parties. Unfortunately I think your options, like mine, are limited: 1) Put up with the status quo and learn to live with it, masturbation, hobbies, etc 2) Divorce 3) Discuss an open marriage situation 4) Take a mistress to satisfy your needs. I tired 1, but needed more. 2 is out of the question. 3, while on the table just seems jarring to me, telling my wife that I'm off to spend the day with my other partner. So I did 4 and it is working, for now. Though 4 might not be right for you or your situation. Like you, I would prefer to have a normal sex life and intimacy with my wife and be happy in a conventional way, but life isn't always so simple, is it?

I have been married to my wife for 16 years and we are under 40. We have a one child who is 6 this year. Our marriage is fairly strong, we hardly fight, we don't resent each other, we are on the same page with finances, our child, etc. The problem is our sex life. Ever since our child was born my wife's libido has decreased dramatically. For a long time I put up with it, perhaps distracted by everyday life. The latter part of 2022 and early 2023 I started to become really dissatisfied with the intimacy and sex life with my wife. Its not just the lack of sex, the poor quality of the sex at times but also the lack of effort on her part to show me affection without me having to initiate it. It has created a room mate or sister dynamic rather than man and wife dynamic. I also think that being under 40, that this is totally abnormal, its not like we are in our senior years and no longer have an interest in sex as much as a younger couple would. I'll start by saying that I trust her 100% and know that she isn't having an affair or interested in other men. First off, intercourse is rare, maybe once a month, and if something is going on that is stressing her, (usually work), then even that is off the table. Birthdays and Valentine's day are also not a guarantee either. When intercourse does happen, it is not satisfying because she doesn't behave like I have since come to realize, what a good sex partner is suppose to be like. I am her only sexual partner and she was mine, until recently. Its hard to explain but she doesn't really get into it, she pulls away and says she is ticklish, she complains that the angle of penetration is bad or that its uncomfortable. Basically her whole vibe is that she doesn't want to be doing it and is only doing so out of obligation, even though she insists that this is not the case. Now I am sure some folks are thinking, that I am a sucky lover, which is why she isn't into it, which was something I had considered in self reflection. A number of recent encounters with another woman that I have had has made me realize that I am not the problem and I am getting no complaints at all from the other woman, who is able to achieve multiple orgasms and even want round two later on. I tried talking to my wife about the problem but the same pattern would emerge, things would get better for a time but would then revert to neglect on her part. I was completely open to anything that would improve things, role play, Viagra, sexy lingerie, maybe seeing if it was a hormone issue and suggesting she get checked out by the doctor, however anything that required her to take some initiative seemed to be dismissed and disregarded. I bought lingerie, she wouldn't even try it on and told me to return it but made no effort to look for something she did like. She flat out refuses to go to the doctor to see if there is a hormone imbalance impacting her libido. She adamantly insists that she is still attracted to me and wants to be intimate but the behavior doesn't match the words. In early 2023 I snapped, not sure what incident was the final straw but I downloaded dating apps and began talking to other women. I met a woman who I had an emotional affair with for a while, which seemed to satisfy some of the intimacy that I was missing, however she decided that she didn't want to proceed anymore since I was still married and unwilling to get a divorce, which is fair enough. Bottom line is, I don't want to divorce my wife because I do love her and I can't justify breaking up our family and our home for my child, particularly when the only issue is our sex life, as important as that is to me. People flippantly say "get a divorce" but is horrible for kids, destroys your finances and can get ugly real fast. One thing me and my wife agree on is that we will never engage in a hateful and messy divorce, no matter what happens. When the emotional affair ended, I came clean to my wife about it and we had a long discussion. I won't lie, I was pretty sad about things ending with the woman I was having an emotional affair with. My wife said she wanted to move on from it and actually accepted that her neglect with intimacy and our sex life was partly to blame for my emotional affair. The problem is, nothing changed, the effort increased for a while but then lapsed into the same neglect. Even on my birthday in late 2023, she was preoccupied with work, baking food for her colleagues the night before and on my birthday. She got home late from work. Then when the night came and my child was put to bed, she seemed to be hinting excuses about making sure out child doesn't wake up because she was in a light sleep. So I coldly told her not to worry about it because I was tired of pity, obligation sex. Oh side detail, we don't even get to share our marital bed with any privacy because our child still sleeps in our bed with us, now almost 6 years old. When I have tried to suggest her sleeping in her own bed, I get the guilt trip that "she'll only be little once". I just feel as though my wife doesn't really want to be intimate with me or even affectionate most of the time. I don't want to feel like intimacy is out of obligation because that isn't sexy and doesn't make me feel good at all. We even discussed an open marriage and she grudgingly agreed to it if was something I had to do. In November of 2023 I met another woman online. She lives relatively close. She is a single mother and I told her upfront about my situation. She really likes me and said she was happy to be "friends with extras", basically my mistress. The affection she shows me is just wonderful. She makes me feel wanted and like I am a king. The sex is also amazing and exciting. She wants to be there, she wants me to make love to her, and she wants to make me happy too. So this is my situation. I have come to the conclusion that I don't want to divorce my wife, it would be too painful for both of us and would be catastrophic for our child, who deserves to have a stable home with both parents being there. I don't want to be part time or weekend dad, its not who I am. I do love my wife very much, she is a wonderful woman, kind, patient and a great mother. Having said that though, I have needs as a man, I am not ready for the retirement home or to be celibate. I don't want to masturbate in the dark; I want an emotional connection with a woman and to have fun and exciting sex like other people my age do. I have rationalized that this situation I am in, while far from being ideal, satisfies everyone. My wife and child keep their husband and father and our family life is not impacted in any way. I have my needs satisfied both physically and emotionally, and my mistress also gets her needs satisfied without having to sacrifice her independence or put up with me all the time. My mistress is a busy single mom of 3 children and doesn't really want to get married or give up the independence of her own home. So that is the situation, is anyone else in a similar situation? Does anyone have any advice about navigating having a mistress? I know some folks are going to want to hate on me for infidelity but believe me, this is not the ideal that I expected or wanted for my life. When I got married at 22, I didn't sign up for celibacy and asexuality. I know some folks will wonder why I don't just leave if my wife isn't enough but it is too hard; I really do love her so much, she is my best friend and someone I would trust with my life but I just can't ignore my needs anymore, I have to have some self respect and think about myself and my mental health. That gut wrenching rejection I would feel every time my wife would make excuses, be thoughtless or indifferent, make me feel like an obligation, or just not be into it, was really affecting my self esteem and happiness. Since I have been with my mistress I have been happier at home, less moody, less angry, a better husband and father. The situation is weird but it seems to be working, for now at least.