No intimacy in my marriage

[Notin1]

Ive been married to my soulmate for 20 years and still love her to bits after all that time.

Three years ago my wife had an operation to repair a prolapse and it was a long recovery.  When we had sex after recovery it was painful for her and we just really stopped doing anything at all.

We did however have sex maybe once every month but has now told me that she no longer gets turned on and doesnt want to have sex anymore.  I told her i will support her and will not stray outside our marriage.  Problem is that its me giving her a big cuddle and she never returns it.  I really just feel that she just cant be bothered with our marriage anymore and she always says to me that i know where the door is if im not happy.

A few days ago we were chatting and i asked if we could get intimate without intercourse as i do enjoy it and i just looking at her turns me on but she has told me im selfish and just thinking about myself and that i can sort myself out.

Ive tried to be supportive and caring but it makes no difference.  I honestly feel that shes no longer in love with me,  although she does say she is.

Can anyone else relate to this and am i being selfish. 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Notin1 said:

.  I honestly feel that shes no longer in love with me,  although she does say she is.

Sorry this is happening. How old is she? Hopefully she's taking care of her physical and mental health and following up on her issues.

Please try the exact opposite of what you are doing. Please stop begging for cuddles,etc. it's probably frighting her because she's afraid of pain and knows you want more. 

Please try to go on date nights, weekend getaways and have more fun than being in a rut and begging for sex. 

Change things up. What you're doing isn't working.

You should't have to live without love or affection, but you are pressuring her in pouty whiney passive aggressive ways and nothing is more of a turn off than that. 

[Coily]

Let's start with: no it's not selfish to want a healthy loving sexual relationship.

2 hours ago, Notin1 said:

I really just feel that she just cant be bothered with our marriage anymore and she always says to me that i know where the door is if im not happy.

This is very bothersome, her attitude towards you is on the cruel and dismissive side. This is not healthy for any relationship.

You both may need to look into marriage counseling, as there is something that she is unwilling to address in your marriage. While you may need to find new ways to reignite the passion, but you aren't being "pouty whiney passive aggressive" 🙄 to want the intimacy you once had.

[TeeDee]

intimacy isn't always penetrative sex.  Intimacy involves being valued. 

I suggest a MC who is certified by AASCET. ..  . the certifying body for sex therapists.  

[lostandhurt]

13 minutes ago, Coily said:

You both may need to look into marriage counseling, as there is something that she is unwilling to address in your marriage

I totally agree.  Telling your spouse "there's the door if you don't like it" is someone that needs help opening up and being honest with you and herself.  She has obviously changed and wants no type of intimacy at all which is not good.  She sounds like a cold person that would rather be alone.

 Intimacy in a supposedly loving marriage is important.  Intimacy does not mean intercourse, it means being intimate with each other emotionally and physically.  A warm hug, a kiss for no reason, playful touching and on and on.

 It sounds to me like she may think she loves you but by the way she treats you she is definitely not in love with you any longer.

Talk to her and ask her if she would be willing to attend marriage counseling with you.  If she declines then go by yourself so you can have someone to help you figure what is best for your life.

 Loving her to bits is not enough

I am sorry

 Lost

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Notin1 said:

 she always says to me that i know where the door is if im not happy.  I honestly feel that shes no longer in love with me,  although she does say she is.

There are a few effective things you can do.

One is see if physical for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a licensed qualified therapist for ongoing support and so you can privately and confidentiality unpack and sort out your thoughts and feelings.

Another is please consult an attorney for information support advice on your situation. Do not threaten divorce. Just inform and arm yourself. 

This way when she gets nasty and snarky about here's the door, you can calmly let her know you've  consulted an attorney and you're ready to get the paperwork started. 

Please stop accusing her of not loving you. Please stop begging for affection. Please stop making affection another chore. And please understand no circumstances, try to drag her to a sex therapist. None of these tactics have worked and have only made matters worse for both of you. You've already talked this to death and to no avail. 

Your marriage sounds like it's in deep trouble and headed for divorce with the amount of contempt, stonewalling and resentment going on. While painful intercourse may have been the beginning of the issues, dead bedroom is very often a symptom of systemic long standing unresolved martial problems.

The solution just may be setting yourselves free. Read up on *Grey Divorce*. 

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, lostandhurt said:

Intimacy in a supposedly loving marriage is important.  Intimacy does not mean intercourse, it means being intimate with each other emotionally and physically.  A warm hug, a kiss for no reason, playful touching and on and on.

Precisely. Being intimate isn't about sex. The physical aspect is actually a minor part of it. The bigger concern is the lack of an emotional connection. These little acts are suppose to bring people closer, showing them that the other person cares for them and wants to see them happy. It's not too much to wish for a hug, a peck on the cheek, even just holding hands. It's not selfish, it's reaching out for a basic human desire to feel loved, cared about, and understood.

Does she know how much this bothers you? Have you really explained to her how you feel? She may just see it as attempts to get physcial so dismisses it. Perhaps if she was confronted with the pain it's causing you, she'd stop and think about it more. And if she still chooses to ignore you're feelings, that speaks to where her mind is at. You deserve someone who will show you the love and support you are clearly willing to give, someone who is an equal partner in every way.

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, Notin1 said:

 i asked if we could get intimate without intercourse as i do enjoy it . she has told me im selfish and just thinking about myself and that i can sort myself out.

Were you referring to oral sex? What did she mean by "go sort yourself out"?

[redswim30]

On 3/10/2024 at 9:20 PM, lostandhurt said:

I totally agree.  Telling your spouse "there's the door if you don't like it" is someone that needs help opening up and being honest with you and herself.  She has obviously changed and wants no type of intimacy at all which is not good.  She sounds like a cold person that would rather be alone.

 Intimacy in a supposedly loving marriage is important.  Intimacy does not mean intercourse, it means being intimate with each other emotionally and physically.  A warm hug, a kiss for no reason, playful touching and on and on.

 It sounds to me like she may think she loves you but by the way she treats you she is definitely not in love with you any longer.

Talk to her and ask her if she would be willing to attend marriage counseling with you.  If she declines then go by yourself so you can have someone to help you figure what is best for your life.

 Loving her to bits is not enough

I am sorry

 Lost

Please read this over and over- almost exactly what I was going to say. 

Intimacy is much more than just sex, and you have been extremely patient, understanding and accommodating.  It's another thing altogether to not want to demonstrate any kind of affection to your partner.  That is actually being cruel.  It's unreasonable to expect you to treat your wife like a platonic friend, when that is not the marriage you signed up for.  Just remember, you can't be in marriage of one.  You are willing to meet her halfway, she has to be willing to come the other half or this will never work. 

Your wife is holding onto some secret she doesn't wish to share.  What that is, I don't know.  This is much more than just physical to her, she is making the choice to actively push you away and even daring you to leave her.  IMVHO, people only do this for a few reasons- 

1. They are just done with the relationship, but instead of being honest, push the other person to break up with them under the guise of "You deserve better than me"

2. They have someone else waiting in the wings

3.  Worst of all, they want to change the dynamic completely without caring how you feel about it 

None of these is great.  What Lost said is accurate.  Please don't beat your brains out thinking there's some magical thing you can do or say to change her mind or mindset.  There isn't.  This is NOT going to be cured with "date nights".

If I were you, I'd consult a lawyer.  Your marriage is on a fast track to Divorceland.  Only AFTER you have your ducks in a row, it's up to you if you want to make one honest and last ditch effort with her to attempt to save the marriage.  But your wife has to be willing to be honest with you, and she is NOT being fully honest with you.  She's hiding behind an operation THREE YEARS AGO, but do not let her manipulate your compassion.  Operations don't prevent someone from wanting to cuddle or hug.  Operations don't make your wife call you SELFISH for wanting some level of physical (non sexual) level of closeness with her.  She may still have some love for you, but that is not how someone who is IN LOVE with you acts.  I agree with you, OP_ she's not in love with you anymore. 

Stop trying to compromise with her, don't try and get her to therapy- because none of that is going to work as long as she refuses to be HONEST with you.  Something (besides the operation 3 years ago) has changed for her EMOTIONALLY.  But instead of telling you and trying to work thru it with you, she's calling you selfish and daring you to leave if you don't "like it".  This isn't going to be healthy for either of you in the long term. 

Time to face the facts.  Your wife wants to dictate a new marriage to you totally on her terms.  You need to decide if you want to live as friends for the rest of your life, because that is what she seems to want.  If not, consult a lawyer.  Only after you have things figure out, if you think it's worth it, you can ask her if she's willing to tell you the truth and meet you halfway.  But I think you already know the answer to that.  

[boltnrun]

One of the main reasons I divorced my husband is he refused to have sex with me. And I DO need actual intercourse in a relationship. In his case it wasn't health issues preventing him from enjoying sex. He used it as punishment when I didn't behave the way he wanted (i.e., I had girlfriends I would go shopping or to lunch with and he wanted me home all the time.) 

However, in your case it does seem like all forms of intimacy including physical and emotional are gone or nearly gone. So I agree, counseling is the best bet. Ask your wife if she would agree to see a marriage counselor with you to try to work out a solution that suits the both of you. 

[catfeeder]

It’s one thing to settle for ‘outercourse’ in place of intercourse in the context of an otherwise healthy sex life if you’re willing to forego children. Active elderly couples do it a lot. It’s another to tolerate a cold, careless shutdown of all affection and respect and concern for your feelings.

Nobody can force another to care.

I’d tell wife that I’m walking away while we still think highly of one another. If she decides that she wants to build a loving, respectful, sexually expressive and affectionate relationship, she can let me know, and she can set up a new couple’s therapy session. Otherwise, I wish her the best, and our lawyers can work out the details.

[Watchman85]

I really feel for your situation my friend.  I am in a similar situation, though my wife hasn't become openly hostile or totally indifferent to my feelings like your wife seems to have, (not to speak out of turn).  I totally get your apprehension regarding divorce and leaving her, particularly if kids are in the picture too.  Its hard to want to divorce and walk away from a woman you consider to be your best friend and soul mate.  Not to mention the financial cost and disruption to both parties.  Unfortunately I think your options, like mine, are limited:

1)  Put up with the status quo and learn to live with it, masturbation, hobbies, etc

2)  Divorce

3)  Discuss an open marriage situation

4)  Take a mistress to satisfy your needs. 

 

I tired 1, but needed more.  2 is out of the question.  3, while on the table just seems jarring to me, telling my wife that I'm off to spend the day with my other partner.  So I did 4 and it is working, for now.  Though 4 might not be right for you or your situation.  Like you, I would prefer to have a normal sex life and intimacy with my wife and be happy in a conventional way, but life isn't always so simple, is it?

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, Watchman85 said:

Take a mistress to satisfy your needs. 

No wonder she doesn't want to sleep with you. You're taking you love affection and attention elsewhere. Maybe she'll divorce you when she's tired of your neglect and being checked out. 

[Watchman85]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

No wonder she doesn't want to sleep with you. You're taking you love affection and attention elsewhere. Maybe she'll divorce you when she's tired of your neglect and being checked out. 

So I should tolerate rejection and neglect?  You are putting the cart before the horse, her neglect is why my affection is going elsewhere; she doesn't seem to want it.  You also assume that she pays enough attention to even notice or care that my affections are being spent elsewhere.   

[ShySoul]

Just now, Watchman85 said:

So I should tolerate rejection and neglect?  You are putting the cart before the horse, her neglect is why my affection is going elsewhere; she doesn't seem to want it.  You also assume that she pays enough attention to even notice or care that my affections are being spent elsewhere.

If you feel rejected and neglected, it's your right to feel it. It also makes sense that someone who feels that way would seek comfort somewhere else. But I've yet to see a case where sleeping with someone else behind a persons back works out for the best. Generally it is a burden that weighs a person down, having to carry the secret with them. And it means constant lying to the person you are with and are suppose to love. 

I see you have a post on the topic, so I'll look there for more details. But I'm doubtful taking a mistress will actually help solve what is bothering you. It may scratch an itch, but it won't address the underlying problem. And I don't believe it would be advisable in the original situation for Notin1.

[Watchman85]

2 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

If you feel rejected and neglected, it's your right to feel it. It also makes sense that someone who feels that way would seek comfort somewhere else. But I've yet to see a case where sleeping with someone else behind a persons back works out for the best. Generally it is a burden that weighs a person down, having to carry the secret with them. And it means constant lying to the person you are with and are suppose to love. 

I see you have a post on the topic, so I'll look there for more details. But I'm doubtful taking a mistress will actually help solve what is bothering you. It may scratch an itch, but it won't address the underlying problem. And I don't believe it would be advisable in the original situation for Notin1.

I mean you are right.  It does weigh on me and it is a burden to live a double life.  I know you are right too, it doesn't fix the underlying problem but I have accepted that it might be a problem that can't be fixed and may be one I have to live with in the most tolerable way possible.  For me personally seeking the affection I need from another woman is making the best of a crappy situation. 

[Wiseman2]

51 minutes ago, Watchman85 said:

, telling my wife that I'm off to spend the day with my other partner.  

Eventually your mistress will get tired of the "we're like roommates", "staying for the kids" lines. Is this mistress also married? 

[Watchman85]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Eventually your mistress will get tired of the "we're like roommates", "staying for the kids" lines. Is this mistress also married? 

No.  She is a single mother.  She says that she accepts my position on not leaving my wife.  Of course if that changes, I won't be leaving my wife and daughter and it'll be over.  I like her a lot but we both have our red lines.  She never wants to marry or leave her current home, I don't want to leave my wife.  It'll work as long as we both respect the red lines agreed upon.  We both get something from the arrangement which is why I think it works. 

[ShySoul]

23 minutes ago, Watchman85 said:

We both get something from the arrangement which is why I think it works. 

Feels like two people using each other to get something they are missing in their lives. I wouldn't call that an actual emotional connection. It's more like a quick fix or fantasy to distract yourself. And as much as it might be working for the two of you, I believe there are five other people involved (your wife and child, her three(?) children). How well does it work for them? Is it something you'd want your child to do one day because that's the example your setting.

[DarkCh0c0]

3 hours ago, Watchman85 said:

2 is out of the question.  3, while on the table just seems jarring to me, telling my wife that I'm off to spend the day with my other partner.  So I did 4 and it is working, for now.  Though 4 might not be right for you or your situation

So it's not jarring for you to lie to your wife and kids' face?

You like to take the easy ways out, don't you?

You rather be called a liar and a fake, rather than be called a divorced man. You rather be a coward, than face a situation. This isn't about your family. This is about you getting the best out of the situation and leaving your family in the dark. You want to have a cake and eat it too.

Suit yourself. Maybe other folks will have better advice on how to cover your mistress.