I'm (30F) desperate to make him mine (29M) I need help to not screw up

[rainbowsandroses]

11 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I think, just judging by your thread title "I'm (30F) desperate to make him mine (29M) I need help to not screw up" you're already on the way to screw up. Maybe you're coming off a bit too intensely and he's trying to ease back, even a little.

He may not be responding as much as you want, but he is responding when he has time to respond. He knows you're there and he knows where you stand. Try to keep your independence a little when it comes to him. 

But still, him straight up saying "he's scared of getting too close", is a bit of a neon sign to me.  I would pay attention to his definition of 'too close'.

You both seem to have a connection and enjoy each other's company, which is great! But if he has expressed that he needs to slow things down he's simply not where you're at (yet).

I would suggest you don't "make" him do anything. If he is having hesitations or doubts, the best thing you can do is just take a step back and give him some space. Focus on yourself and don't put all your energy into trying to make him yours.

From everything you've written up until now, you really been doing things well and it seems that you've got a great thing going. If you want it to last then just continue being patient and maybe taking it up a level by saying that you really enjoy the things you two do together and that hopefully you two can continue to do them. 

I echo this^^ post and advice 100%...

[LootieTootie]

Thank you for your last post, Anna. It really gave more context that you're not being a clingy gal desperate for his attention/affection ... your title gave the impression you were.

If I am reading your posts on this thread, it sounds like initially he was much into you and then you but the brakes on the sex, and he went on vacation, and is back but there seem to be less enthusiasm on his part now. You are thinking it has to do with him admitting to you that he was scared.

My gut feeling is that he's emotionally unavailable. When someone gives you mixed signals, its best you treat it as "not all in." I am 39 years old now and when I was in my 20s, I dated a whole lot. I also dated several good-looking guys who were kind, smart and successful but who admitted to me that they were not ready or was scared. They were the same guys who gave me mixed signs... and I was ruminating or psycho-analyzing the how's, whats and why's. Then I turned 30 and I just said no more to the last guy I dated who was handsome and kind but who gave me mixed signs. And he was actually a great guy but just a waste of my time.

I stopped initating texts/calls, stopped ruminating, stopped caring... thinking if I do this, maybe the guy will reach out. No... he didnt. But guess what? The next guy who came along, who is handsome and kind and smart and funny and caring, became my husband. 

Don't waste time on people who don't treat you with consistent effort. You do you. When they realized that they might have missed a chance, they'll know that you won't accept anything but being "all in."

[Anna93]

32 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I think, just judging by your thread title "I'm (30F) desperate to make him mine (29M) I need help to not screw up" you're already on the way to screw up. Maybe you're coming off a bit too intensely and he's trying to ease back, even a little.

He may not be responding as much as you want, but he is responding when he has time to respond. He knows you're there and he knows where you stand. Try to keep your independence a little when it comes to him. 

But still, him straight up saying "he's scared of getting too close", is a bit of a neon sign to me.  I would pay attention to his definition of 'too close'.

You both seem to have a connection and enjoy each other's company, which is great! But if he has expressed that he needs to slow things down he's simply not where you're at (yet) and that's his way of saying "I'm not 100% ready, expecting something more serious."

I would suggest you don't "make" him do anything. If he is having hesitations or doubts, the best thing you can do is just take a step back and give him some space. Focus on yourself and don't put all your energy into trying to make him yours.

From everything you've written up until now, you really been doing things well and it seems that you've got a great thing going. Maybe saying next time you talk to him that you really enjoy the things you two do together and that hopefully you two can continue to do them. And then just leave it at that! Plus make a mental note that you're investing feelings where you really don't have a return.   

Hi, I humbly accept every comment and advice, but get the impression that you have not read in details my post, the following comments and my responses on them,  or maybe haven't gotten my side of the case 🤷‍♀️

Anyways thanks 🙏

[Anna93]

25 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I echo this^^ post and advice 100%...

Not sure how exactly am I coming off a bit too intensively, when I've been working hard on doing the opposite 😅 

[Tinydance]

2 hours ago, Anna93 said:

Thank you all for the understanding and the advices so far. it is precious for me to read your opinions.

I'll try to sum up the answers on your comments:

We have met multiple times while amongst people and 4 times in private. The first date was a shared initiative- I told him where I will be at and he decided to come there and see me. He said that evening, that he have been single for a while and was open for a relationship, hinting with his body language that he refers to me. That's the evening when we first kissed, and the very next day came the message. In the message he implemented that he wanted to be honest  with me  by telling me that he felt a bit scared because he "likes me too much"  and that's why he needed to put breaks on it.  My respons was very calm, saying that I understand (although i don't) and that I know how to handle it.

Fews days later we met on an event that we both attended on a regular bases, there he sat next to me and very obviously for all his friends around, he was holding my hand on top of the table. 

Some days afrer that  he started texting me that he was hoping to see me again, invited me on a concert and eventually invited me to visit him at his place. Our last 2 encounters was at his place, where I made it clear that we are not gonna end up in bed, but yet we did enjoy our company very much, with talking and making out. You know how you can see when someone likes you and wants you, it's in their eyes....  He was OK with me restraining the sexual drive, although he was hoping that we wouldn't stop. He has been a complete gentle man in every kind of way, very respectful and careful to not do any discomfort. 

After the last time I saw him he went on a holiday, and I have barely heard from him. I am being as strong as I can to hold myself back from contacting him, but it's hard.

Few days ago I got a photo from him infront of a swimming pool with the caption " you should have been here". i replied jokingly.  And after that almost nothing again.  

So instead of loosing my mind, I decided to hear some thoughts from other people, that would take my attention away from him and help me find the right approach.  🙏☺️😍 very helpful so far I must say 😍

Well I'm not sure what he's looking for because he did say he was single for a while but "open" to a relationship. To be honest to me that wouldn't necessarily say: "I WANT a relationship". For example when I was dating around, I went on a date with one guy who was very clear and said he was looking to settle down, kids and marriage and ready for something serious. Whereas some other guys were more like: "I'm happy to see how it goes". Meaning they're open to it but it's not their big goal, you know? 

I think in any case you really need to slow down yourself as well. I know you're not rushing into sex but it seems to me you're rushing into being in love with this guy etc. You don't know him very well yet. And if you're saying you're a very attractive woman then feel good about yourself and try not to "fan girl" over this guy. Don't be the one doing all the chasing.

[rainbowsandroses]

42 minutes ago, Anna93 said:

Not sure how exactly am I coming off a bit too intensively, when I've been working hard on doing the opposite 😅 

I wasn't referring to that, that was one little blip.  Why you've chosen to zero in on just that I don't know.

The rest of yogacat's post is spot on and great advice.  That was what I was echoing. 

[Anna93]

15 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

 

If I am reading your posts on this thread, it sounds like initially he was much into you and then you but the brakes on the sex, and he went on vacation, and is back but there seem to be less enthusiasm on his part now. You are thinking it has to do with him admitting to you that he was scared.

 

Thank you LootieTootie, your comment makes a lot of sense. The timeline was a bit different,  but nevertheless the result so far is the same. I'll take everyone's advise and stay away from contacting him first, (which I already am doing since some time) and loose any hope that there is actually something that I can do to make any difference in the outcome. Obviously when a men is not ready to get serious with a woman, the woman is powerless, that's what everyone here is suggesting. 

[rainbowsandroses]

5 minutes ago, Anna93 said:

Obviously when a men is not ready to get serious with a woman, the woman is powerless, that's what everyone here is suggesting. 

Wha?  That's not what anyone is suggesting at all, not from what I've read.  You are definitely NOT powerless.

Perhaps another poster will respond, I'm heading out and I'm late!!

I just wanted to say that, again, you are not powerless Anna and please don't ever think you are. 

[Anna93]

7 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

 

I think in any case you really need to slow down yourself as well. I know you're not rushing into sex but it seems to me you're rushing into being in love with this guy etc. You don't know him very well yet. And if you're saying you're a very attractive woman then feel good about yourself and try not to "fan girl" over this guy. Don't be the one doing all the chasing.

😁 I have been slowing myself down, as I have written on many of the comments 😅... Also I wasn't rushing into being in love, at all. But I rarely meet someone who I would like so much, it happens once in many years. And when it happens, then yes - I do fall in love - consciously or not, I don't think that is something we choose. And again - I am not doing any chasing, let alone ALL the chasing 😊

Also if I have manage to irritate someone with the explanation of how I look - I really didn't mean to sound cocky. Just in contrary- I am quite modest when it comes to my appearance as a woman, I would rarely refer about myself as pretty, but I felt it was important to mention it here in order to give a better illustration on my case. 

 

[yogacat]

No. It isn't a matter of the woman being powerless when the man is not wanting to get serious.  The power comes in both people being on the same page or not. This isn't one person standing in overthrow and one person standing below. This is two people standing on different heights. I still think that two months is a very short time and you do not know if this is merely his communicative style and not indicative of anything deeper or if he is cooling off.  In general. People who don't tend to maintain the giddy pace of someone just after meeting them tend more to kind of tap their toes to chug along just to keep their connection.  And they are keeping the connection.  

Falling in love is a very uncertain emotion of madness.

It's not that the man has all the power or that the woman is powerless.  Both people have equal power. 

I think you might want to try to set your mind at ease.  In love entails being okay with uncertainty about your partner's feelings as much as it's comprised of enjoying their presence and certainty. 

If it bothers you that he's not texting as often as you think he ought to be, then that is a context you can work within-- minus yo-yo-ing between the hype of being so in love you're going to make a project of winning him over, creating a sense of urgency allowing the real butterflies of being in love to ride this excitement on a wave of not wanting to mess it up.

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Anna93 said:

Not sure how exactly am I coming off a bit too intensively, when I've been working hard on doing the opposite 😅 

I think it's the 'desperate' in your title and speaking of being in love with him already. That kind of intensity isn't the kind of vibe you're likely able to hide from the guy. He might view that as giving him the kind of leverage to have scheduled the last two dates at his home, where he could learn whether he could translate that into casual sex.

I'd follow Andrina's advice and back off of contacting him. If he reaches out to schedule a date, don't accept if its at his home. Learn whether he'd be willing to go out, instead. If he just sends banter text or doesn't invite you out beyond his home, I'd consider him not very invested in getting to know you as a human being. That wouldn't be okay with me, but you'll get to decide if it's good enough for you.

Head high.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I totally understand being scared and nervous when you start dating someone you really like. I usually feel exactly the same. But I actually disagree that it's "normal" to pull away or keep a distance if you're supposed to like someone. Especially in the case with this guy because he said: "I could be open to a relationship". So if he's open to it then why would he keep a distance when the goal to start a relationship is to get closer, not more distant? If he's only looking for casual (maybe he is?) then people who want the casual keep the distance to show it's not going to be serious. For example people who are FWB might just see each other every couple of weeks and don't text much in between to keep it on that casual level. 

Although I do agree with you that because they've only been on a couple of dates, he's not necessarily required to act head over heels. She's already crazy about him, she even mentioned love. But he's probably thinking I'm only just getting to know this woman. In any case I agree that it's not good to smother him or push him. I've had people who love bombed me and it tends to have the opposite effect where it actually becomes a bit scary.

Great input.  I feel exactly the same and have been in a variety of situations involving fears.  As have almost all of my friends and people I know of in the dating scene over the last 40 plus years. I was love bombed -although that wasn't a term - in 2005 days before my first platonic dinner with my future husband.  I wasn't scared because I liked him too much. 

But was scared/nervous about how heavy and intense he was - on the second date.  Also been there with the scared feeling when you fall fast for someone and don't know where you stand.  So if you choose connection over fear you stay the course and you give it time to see if the other person steps up to the plate/seems to feel interested/the same.  That's assuming he was honest with the 'scared because I like you TOO much."  Giving benefit of doubt there.

OP typically I'd defer entirely to you and your judgment but I found when I was this head over heels that fast I needed to center myself -a lot -get grounded -to use head and heart as far as how to proceed.

(And I was always incredibly busy with work and school and/or both at once and only got serious with ambitious/incredibly busy people -we made the time to keep in touch and for years that meant landlines/voice mails- AOL instant messenger LOL) - people move towards pleasure and away from pain.  People who want to be together or think they see serious potential -make it work or admit their lives are simply too complicated or "busy" to make it work with anyone. 

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, Anna93 said:

Thank you LootieTootie, your comment makes a lot of sense. The timeline was a bit different,  but nevertheless the result so far is the same. I'll take everyone's advise and stay away from contacting him first, (which I already am doing since some time) and loose any hope that there is actually something that I can do to make any difference in the outcome. Obviously when a men is not ready to get serious with a woman, the woman is powerless, that's what everyone here is suggesting. 

I'm not.  Nothing to do with gender.  He might be ready to be serious and not with you -and that's ok.  It's not about hope or losing hope or such dramatic pronouncements.  What you do when someone seems to need space in a dating context is give that person twice the amount of space they seem to need.  Back off. Backing off is actually doing something -it's giving space when in your somewhat  self-absorbed infatuation that requires true restraint on your part.

Also he doesn't need to be ready to be serious with you as far as forever person -he simply needs to step up to the plate and meet you at least halfway as far as reliably planning regular dates -you know like once a week or so.  Like Lottie said there's no need to analyze when a person is interested in getting to know you.  It's obvious.  It's basic.  And you shouldn't see this as some "stating my case" =there is no case and if it's such a case that's a sign that this isn't flowing naturally.  And put aside the whole notion that every dating relationship is different.  That's not the point - two people might be happy planning a date once a month or less - that's totally cool -or really into seeing each other most days during the week.  Totally cool. 

But - and I don't think this is individual - you have to be on the same page, same wavelength, and both interested in seeing each other at the same pace mostly with rare exception.

When that is true - the times of analysis are minor.  I had one bout of overthinking when I dated my future husband about 6 months in -and we were long distance by then I think.  He also traveled a lot. One bout.  Lasted about 6 hours one afternoon when he was not in touch AND I worried he was displeased with me for some odd reason. 

He wasn't -at all -I was mistaken.  Once.  Because we were on the same page as far as frequency of communication, frequency of dates, both being into each other- not even about "serious" literally as far as reliable communication.  No one was left guessing or anxious with the exception of that one day 18 years ago.

[Kwothe28]

17 hours ago, Anna93 said:

But then why keep me warm?

In case he needs sex sometimes and you are willing to give it to him.

See, its easier for us men to understand our psyche. You didnt gave him sex so he isnt on the run yet. The moment you do, he would be on the run or just come back sporadically for more. But like this, he just keeps you warm in case he decides he wants some.

If he would want to date you, he would answer your messages, call on dates, even send you flowers. But like this, he just doesnt care enough. He can answer your message, or dont answer, its not a big deal. Because he doesnt view you as a "relationship material". So even if you fizzle out, he just wouldnt care. Hence why nothing you do, including hot/cold or any other manipulative tactic to provoke some attention from him, wouldnt work. Because he just doesnt care enough for you on that level. And he never will.

Move on from this guy. He isnt what you want if you want a relationship. I dont care how much you think you two "vibe" or whatever language young people use these days. Whats important is that he doesnt think you do "vibe". And that is all it matters when it comes to the case.

[itsallgrand]

I agree with Kwothe. And a lot of other good responses here. But that's to the point. If his interest was high enough, you wouldn't be guessing on it. You'd know. Him being luke warm with getting around to communicating with you, the invite to his place and Netflix and chill situation, the feeling you get....that seems pretty classic "let's have fun and have sex if you are down". 

[rainbowsandroses]

@Anna93I'd just like to point out that nothing in life (or love) is black and white or  "absolute."

As such, it's literally impossible to know what this man is thinking or feeling.  The only person knows who knows is HIM. 

We can speculate based on how WE ourselves behave and interact when we're "into" someone and dating that person  (and I include myself), and the responses you're getting here are just that - speculation.

I would never say that he's only after sex, and once he gets it, he's gone or would only stick around for sex, that is a huge assumption!

We all have different reasons for behaving the way we do and it's also quite possible this man is simply a slow mover, prefers to take his time and may not even know at only two months in what he wants to happen - with you. 

One of my brothers (six, one died) and his nature in every relationship was to take his time, spend time with a woman, he never pushed for sex (as this man isn't either) and in time and also based on HER behavior and reactions, would eventually know when/if the time was right to become exclusive and eventually commit. 

If the woman pushed for more than he was ready to give at that point in time, if she was insecure seeking constant reassurance, wondering where "things were going" etc he typically ended it.

He was labeled all sorts of not very kind adjectives because of this. 

He eventually met a woman on his same wavelength, a beautiful nurse.  He did NOT even introduce her to the family for two years! 

According to her, they never discussed exclusivity until after one year and she never pushed the conversation. He was the one who mentioned it after about a year. 

Eight years after that they got married and they are still happily married 10 years later!  They sometimes travel separately and give each other lots of space which works great for THEM, individually and as a couple. 

They are extremely happy together and very much in love!!!   And I witness that love every time I visit and watch them together! 

There is no one size fits all about any of this. 

That said, my take on this is you are incompatible, you and he are NOT on the same wavelength.

Already you're stressing and thinking of ways to 'pull him in', or make him move faster than he is.  That is the wrong mindset, it doesn't work anyway!

You cannot force a man to move faster or feel a certain way before he feels it. 

If you need/want a man to be in love with you and "all in" OR for him to know exactly what he wants to happen (with you) after only two months dating, he is NOT the right man for you. 

With a man like him and my brother and I've known other men like them also, they can't be pushed, they move closer at their own pace and it takes a certain type of woman with her own life, friends, career, confidence, self-assurance with her own need for space to understand this and for things to work. 

I am not suggesting your guy is like my brother, all I'm saying is we all have different natures, we behave/interact in ways that are comfortable for us, whether that means moving slow or jumping all in head first or somewhere in between. 

No right or wrong. 

It's up to you to decide.  Can you truly handle his slower pace?  And not feel anxious and overthink everything? 

Can you relax with it, be patient and allow things to move gradually and organically?

Not all guys are thirsty dogs only out for sex if they don't behave in a "particular" way.  

Some are but from what you've written, I'm not getting that from him.  Course I don't really know, nor does anyone else. Only him.

If me, I would focus on the connection you have established up to this point, trust your OWN intuition about that, try to relax with it, do not push, step back allowing HIM to come to you and stop "assuming" what he's thinking or feeling.

Live your life, spend time with friends and family and don't assign meaning to something based on what others have experienced or how they would behave, again I include myself and my brother's experience in that as well. 

I only posted my brother's story as an example to show that not everyone or everything operates in blacks and whites. 

Good luck whatever you decide.  

 

 

[kim42]

When is he coming back from holidays? If he asks you out once he's back and continues to text you to set plans, I think that's a good sign.

I think it's too early to say if he's interested only in sex, so I'd continue to observe him. If he only invites you to his place and doesn't take you out, you'll have your answer.

But none of us here can tell you how much into you he really is, or if he's emotionally unavailable. 

I wouldn't worry too much about texting, if he asks you out again, I think it matters more than texting.

[smackie9]

Just my experience but when a man is interested, he shows he is interested because he doesn't want another man to swoop in and take his spot. They are responsive, thoughtful, want to spend time together, put their best foot forward.

I remember those other guys who were there sometimes, then don't hear from them or lukewarm interest. I booted them to the curb because that's not how I expect to be treated.

I know you really like this guy BUT, he's waffling, hesitant, so why put up with that? Don't you want a man that is confident, takes the lead, is considerate, interested, doesn't leave you hanging? I find this dude too immature for a lady like you.

[LootieTootie]

14 hours ago, Anna93 said:

 Obviously when a men is not ready to get serious with a woman, the woman is powerless, that's what everyone here is suggesting. 

I definitely get a sense of hopelessness and cynicism from that statement and I totally get that (I was dating and looking for my Mr. Right for 10 years).

I would encourage you to try and not look at the consensus feedback as powerless or a power dynamic between a man and a woman, but more so as self-empowerment. You have the power to go along with your life, and do you and if he reaches out, sweet. At least you gave yourself time and space to come down to earth, lower your expectations, pace yourself and do less thinking of the what ifs.... And you're aware of his mixed messages before so at least you know, what you might be getting yourself into if he reaches out ...and then you can decide if you want to go thru that rodeo again. Personally for me, once I am done with someone, I don't look back. 

Remember... if they aren't giving you consistent effort, they are wasting your time. 

 

 

[kim42]

11 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@Anna93I'd just like to point out that nothing in life (or love) is black and white or  "absolute."

As such, it's literally impossible to know what this man is thinking or feeling.  The only person knows who knows is HIM. 

We can speculate based on how WE ourselves behave and interact when we're "into" someone and dating that person  (and I include myself), and the responses you're getting here are just that - speculation.

I would never say that he's only after sex, and once he gets it, he's gone or would only stick around for sex, that is a huge assumption!

We all have different reasons for behaving the way we do and it's also quite possible this man is simply a slow mover, prefers to take his time and may not even know at only two months in what he wants to happen - with you. 

One of my brothers (six, one died) and his nature in every relationship was to take his time, spend time with a woman, he never pushed for sex (as this man isn't either) and in time and based on HER behavior and reactions, would eventually know when the time was right to become exclusive and eventually commit. 

If the woman pushed for more than he was ready to give at that point in time, if she was insecure seeking constant reassurance, wondering where "things were going" he typically ended it.

He was labeled all sorts of not very kind adjectives because of this. 

He eventually met a woman on his same wavelength, a beautiful nurse.  He did NOT even introduce her to the family for two years! 

According to her, they never discussed exclusivity until after one year and she never pushed the conversation. He was the one who mentioned it after about a year. 

Eight years after that they got married and they are still happily married 10 years later!  They sometimes travel separately and give each other lots of space which works great for THEM, individually and as a couple. 

They are extremely happy together and very much in love!!!   And I witness that love every time I visit and watch them together! 

There is no one size fits all about any of this. 

That said, my take on this is you are incompatible, you and he are NOT on the same wavelength.

Already you're stressing and thinking of ways to 'pull him in', or make him move faster than he is.  That is the wrong mindset, it doesn't work anyway!

You cannot force a man to move faster or feel a certain way before he feels it.  

With a man like him and my brother and I've known other men like them also, they can't be pushed, they move closer at their own pace and it takes a certain type of woman with her own life, friends, career, confidence, self-assurance with her own need for space to understand this and for things to work. 

I am not suggesting your guy is like my brother, all I'm saying is we all have different natures, we behave/interact in ways that are comfortable for us, whether that means moving slow or jumping all in head first. 

No right or wrong. 

It's up to you to decide.  Can you truly handle his slower pace?  And not feel anxious and overthink everything? 

Can you relax with it and allow things to move gradually and organically?

Not all guys are overly thirsty dogs only out for sex if they don't behave in a "particular" way.  

Some are but from what you've written, I'm not getting that from him.  Course I don't really know, nor does anyone else. Only him.

If me, I would focus on the connection you have established up to this point, trust your OWN intuition about that, try to relax with it, do not push, step back allowing HIM to come to you.

Live your life, spend time with friends and family and don't assign meaning to something based on what others have experienced or how they would behave, again I include myself and my brother's experience in that. 

I only posted my brother's story as an example to show that not everyone or everything operates in blacks and whites. 

Good luck whatever you decide.  

 

 

I agree with this, especially with stepping back and allowing him to come to her.

I think when we like really a man, we can get a little anxious and overthink things - this is something that I've been struggling a lot personally but I think it's important to learn how to handle this uncertainty at the early stages, and just let things unfold naturally. As @rainbowsandroses mentioned, you can't 'pull him in' more.

[rainbowsandroses]

13 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Just my experience but when a man is interested, he shows he is interested because he doesn't want another man to swoop in and take his spot.

I'd like to respond to this.  I've talked to men about that and in their view, if a woman they were dating dumped him because another man 'swooped in' while he was deciding what he wanted to happen and where he wanted things to go - good riddance.

Said woman could not have possibly been all that interested in HIM!

Moving forward with a woman due to FEAR that another man will swoop in is the wrong reason to move forward imo.

It's based on insecurity and fear of losing the woman.  Not a genuine desire coming from his heart. 

 

 

[LootieTootie]

4 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I'd like to respond to this.  I've talked to men about that and in their view, if a woman they were dating dumped him because another man 'swooped in' while he was deciding what he wanted to happen and where he wanted things to go - good riddance.

 

I think what smackie is trying to convey is that if someone is interested in you and want to be with you, you would know. You wouldn't need to wait for them to make up their mind about you.

I also see that this is becoming a gender-isn, "if a man this... man that...." I just want to make it known that guys or whatever pronouns people are nowadays... they all experience what Anna is experiencing in the dating world.

It's universal and I think that if someone isn't all in, you best not keep wasting your time with them. The more time you waste with someone who isn't all in, you're losing missed opportunities on meeting someone else that could be special.

[smackie9]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I'd like to respond to this.  I've talked to men about that and in their view, if a woman they were dating dumped him because another man 'swooped in' while he was deciding what he wanted to happen and where he wanted things to go - good riddance.

Said woman could not have possibly been all that "into him"!

Moving forward with a woman due to FEAR that another man will swoop in is the wrong reason to move forward imo.

It's based on insecurity and fear of losing the woman. 

Not a good reason imo.

 

I showed those waffling men I was interested, because I truly was, but got the runaround every time...so I leaned from that experience and started to set my expectations higher instead of lowing myself to wait until they might come around.. You missed my point. A man that doesn't want another man to swoop in and take his place...that isn't a reason, that's an action taken because he IS very interested and it's a normal human emotion. That's why I share this opinion...it's from experience. I dated a lot, and you learn to read the situation. Not once a guy came back and said, hey I was really interested in you what happened? Nope. I say stop sitting on yer hands for a man that doesn't know what he wants. You ain't got time for that sista.

[rainbowsandroses]

8 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

It's universal and I think that if someone isn't all in, you best not keep wasting your time with them. The more time you waste with someone who isn't all in, you're losing missed opportunities on meeting someone else that could be special.

^^OK but after only two months?  If it were a year or even six months, I'd be inclined to agree.

But to expect that someone, be it a man or woman, should know exactly what they want with the particular person they're dating and be "all in" after only two months is an unrealistic expectation IMHO. 

I also don't think it's unusual during early stages for someone to "not know for certain" how the other feels or what's going to happen.

It's called uncertainty, it happens and is very real.  It doesn't last and if someone can't handle a bit of uncertainty during early stages I think they're going to struggle in today's dating environment.

Again jmo.

 

 

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I showed those waffling men I was interested, because I truly was, but got the runaround every time...so I leaned from that experience and started to set my expectations higher instead of lowing myself to wait until they might come around.. You missed my point. A man that doesn't want another man to swoop in and take his place...that isn't a reason, that's an action taken because he IS very interested and it's a normal human emotion. That's why I share this opinion...it's from experience. I dated a lot, and you learn to read the situation. Not once a guy came back and said, hey I was really interested in you what happened? Nope. I say stop sitting on yer hands for a man that doesn't know what he wants. You ain't got time for that sista.

Yup.  And obviously not black and white - from all I've seen all the responses are based typically on many years of first hand, second hand, third hand experience.  But mostly first hand.  No right or wrong either.

Also totally normal for him not to know yet or you not to know yet but -with very rare exception people who don't know yet still know they don't want to forego the opportunity to get to know the person so they're motivated to act consistently, reliably, either asking you out or agreeing enthusiastically to your invitation for a date.  Now I'd say all else equal - typically someone who is into you with serious potential will likely bring up exclusivity oh around the 2-3 month mark or so - and typically within a year will know or pretty darn close to knowing if you could be a forever person -if the person is looking for marriage or similar long term.  All else equal.  

OP I am very concerned at this "desperation" to make him "mine" - hopefully just dramatic hyperbole? What's the desperation about?? With this particular man?? Seriously it aint worth it. I was "desperate" to conceive naturally - to get pregnant when I finally met my person.  And was over the hill.  Yes, I admit it.  But "desperate" to have one particular person want to date me -to that extent - for sure momentarily/temporarily when I was head over heels but because I made sure to have a reasonably fun, fulfilling life and to know my worth - it didn't get to that point. And had it I fear it would have come across as such to the target of my infatuation/strong feelings.  Which to most healthy people (again -disclaimer! - not black and white/not right or wrong) is a huge turn off.