I'm (30F) desperate to make him mine (29M) I need help to not screw up

[Anna93]

I met this amazing hot sweet guy about an year ago, I felt his energy right away and I was sure that we would be a good fit. I know that he found me attractive too because he reached to me on a message, expressing that he would like to see me. We have been out on few dates in the last 2 months and we got very close physically, haven't had sex yet, because I'm trying to wait with that, but we have been very close to that. I think that we are having really good time together, we share the same hobbies and sense of humour. 

 The problem is that he doesn't seem to be be that much into me as I am into him - the communication goes slow, he does not express much emotions towards me. It goes days in between every message, sometimes he doesnt answer until the next day. I have asked him if he is seeing other girls, he answered- no and that he have been single for a while.

 Few weeks ago I got a message in which he expressed that he likes me a lot, "even a bit too much" so he "got a bit scared" and felt like he needed to slow down. That message came after we had a really romantic Valentines-day in the park when we kissed for the first time. That got me very confused, I thought that he simply doesn't find me as attractive as he did at first so i was ready to count my losses and go on with my life. But for some reason he kept on wanting to see me after that, and when we are in the same room he never takes his eyes away from me, and seaks my physical contact all the time. I'm trying to stay cool and not put any pressure on him, and not reveal that I am really deeply in love with him, but I am burning inside and I suffer, because I think about him all the time. 

I realise that he is probably avoiding commitment and doesn't want to rush into a relationship, maybe he hesitates if I am a right match for him. But then why keep me warm?

Is there anything I can so to provoke more affection from him? 

Just for the record- don't mean to sound immodest but for better picture - people say that I am quite good looking, I am well fit because I'm a Latin dancer. Also I am kind by nature and have a pleasant presence (people say ☺️) 

Thanks in advance, any advice would help ❤️

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, Anna93 said:

 We have been out on few dates in the last 2 months and we got very close physically, haven't had sex yet. A, few weeks ago I got a message in which he expressed that he likes me a lot, "even a bit too much" so he "got a bit scared" and felt like he needed to slow down. 

It seems to be going well. All you can do is pace yourself and keep dating without worrying about texting. Try to match his level of comfort and pace. 

[Anna93]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems to be going well. All you can do is pace yourself and keep dating without worrying about texting. Try to match his level of comfort and pace. 

But what should I think about the lack of response from his side? there are days when he is online all the time, when I send him a message (which I do really rarely),  he doesn't care to even open or reply on it for hours, sometimes even the next day. Is it just pure lack of interest....?

[catfeeder]

28 minutes ago, Anna93 said:

But what should I think about the lack of response from his side? there are days when he is online all the time, when I send him a message (which I do really rarely),  he doesn't care to even open or reply on it for hours, sometimes even the next day. Is it just pure lack of interest....?

It doesn't sound like lack of interest. There are those of us on the planet who don't treat texts with the urgency of an emergency--there are phone calls for that. Sometimes messages come in at times when we are are focused on something else, driving, eating, sleeping, charging the phone in another room, or just not in the right headspace to read and respond. In fact, if he's as attracted to you as he says, he may need to get into the right frame of mind to approach the message.

I just think that putting too much weight on message response times can produce too much anxiety--and for no other reason than two people viewing messaging through a different lens.

[Anna93]

I would usually agree on that, but I have seen how fast he answers on other people, basically right after receiving a text. He is on his phone very often when not engaged in other activities or conversations in person. Also i can see when he is active, and yet he does not reply to me for many hours. That is why I am concern, but I'll take your advice and try to not put that much into it 😔. 

[Andrina]

I'm confused because at first you say you have been on two dates in two months, but then after that, it sounds like you imply there have been more dates than that. It also sounds like you're doing most of the initial reaching out.

His "being scared" is a ridiculous notion and a red flag. Why is a person dating then, if he is not ready to be all in, unless he explains what his dating style/goal is at the moment so that the person he's dating can decide if she is okay with those choices? 

In your shoes, I'd let him, for the time being, be the one who reaches out first and also suggest dates. See if, without you prodding first for communication and suggesting meet-ups, if he lets you fade away or if he comes through for you in the way you desire.

I'd definitely not meet in the privacy of each of your homes for now. I wouldn't have sex with him until or if he progresses into the sort of person who is worthy of being your SO. I'd give a silent, personal timeline of how long you will give for him to show you he's into you and is fulfilling your needs for time together and communication. If there is no progression, no matter how crazy you are about him (It's no love, It's infatuation), you need to cut contact so you can eventually bond with a guy who shares your interest.

In the past, I experienced somewhat similar situations with certain guys. Now that I'm married to a gem, I can see how lucky I am that those guys from my past didn't work out. 

Always remember that you're the treasure and if a guy doesn't treat you like one, he's not worthy of your time. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Anna93 said:

I would usually agree on that, but I have seen how fast he answers on other people, basically right after receiving a text. He is on his phone very often when not engaged in other activities or conversations in person. Also i can see when he is active, and yet he does not reply to me for many hours. That is why I am concern, but I'll take your advice and try to not put that much into it 😔. 

^^Reading this^ and your other posts, it sounds to me like he likes you and is attracted to you, but for whatever reason, he is intentionally creating space as he doesn't want to 'lead you on' or have you think the relationship means more than it does at this point in time - it's still VERY early stages. 

As far as how he responds to others, replies to their texts quickly, etc, people often behave much differently with friends and family than they do with a new person they're dating for just that reason -  they're being careful to not mislead them when they themselves may not be certain what they want to happen or where they want the relationship to go. 

Unfortunately you're gonna have to learn to live with a bit of uncertainty during these precarious early stages.

Lower expectations, scale back the texting, contain your anxiety.  Live your life, show him through your actions you're a happy person with or without a 'boyfriend.'

That doesn't mean being cold, be happy when you hear from him, show enthusiasm on your dates; it's a balance and I would encourage you to learn it!  And be patient, let things progress slowly, naturally and organically. 

That means no "relationship" talks, no asking questions like "where is this going?" or seeking reassurance.  Kiss of death during these early stages.

He is deciding where he wants things to go - serious, long term OR casual.  As should YOU be as well! 

YOU should not be so sold on him either! 

Give it time, it's only been two months, slow down! 

JMO and experience but that is how you get him moving closer to you.  

By relaxing and allowing things to take their natural course, NO pushing.

 

 

[Batya33]

15 minutes ago, Andrina said:

In your shoes, I'd let him, for the time being, be the one who reaches out first and also suggest dates. See if, without you prodding first for communication and suggesting meet-ups, if he lets you fade away or if he comes through for you in the way you desire.

I agree totally with this approach and his being "scared". Also what you look like is irrelevant - either he wants to date you or he doesn't and you looking a certain way really has no impact on that.  I'm glad you feel confident about your looks!

[rainbowsandroses]

Anna, regarding his "scared" comment, I don't know why a man admitting this is so frowned upon by some people, I don't!

He's sharing honest feelings with you re vulnerability, and yes for some people depending on what their experience has been, entering into a serious committed relationship can be scary!

It's nothing to feel ashamed about.

When previous boyfriends have said this to me, or similar, my response typically has been "yeah, me too."  

It's an endearing moment.  Admitting this to each other. 

Be thankful he trusts you enough to share this with you and be so open about it. 

JMO. 😀

 

[Batya33]

12 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

OP, regarding his "scared" comment, I don't know why a man admitting this is so frowned upon by some people, I don't!

He's sharing honest feelings with you re vulnerability, and yes for some people depending on what their experience has been, entering into a serious committed relationship can be scary!

It's nothing to feel ashamed about.

Be thankful he trusts you enough to share this with you and be so open about it. 

JMO. 😀

 

Most often scared at that early stage either means he's not available to date or he's telling himself he is scared but in reality he feels like pulling away instead of being enthusiastic about the kiss and getting to know you even better. 

We all can feel a little scared but with rare exception people choose dating over the fear -unless the fear is core-shaking and  then the person is not available/not interested enough etc.  I felt scared when my future husband asked me to get back together -big decision - jitters! -would we make it this time? And I chose him over the fear because I moved towards pleasure and away from pain - I knew the fear would subside and I wanted to be with him and date him so much that I knew I'd deal with the jitters.  I think I even told him - I'm a little scared and YES! 

He's reacting to feeling scared by distancing himself.  You do the  same.  Protect your heart since you're SO into him.

Everyone is an individual and in my dating experience and knowing of the dating experience of hundreds over the decades with rare exception being "scared" as he put it is a red flag.  It's "open" and "honest" but his purpose is to get you to back off.  So give him twice the space he seems to need.  I agree with Andrina.

[rainbowsandroses]

My experience has been different (see below quote).

Long term boyfriends and my ex-husband admitted this as well, in some form or fashion.

Again jmo and experience but feeling fear/vulnerability and admitting it is nothing to feel shame for. 

It doesn't last.  Once trust has been established, which takes time, it passes. 

18 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

When previous boyfriends have said this to me, or similar, my response typically has been "yeah, me too."  

It's an endearing moment.  Admitting this to each other.  

 

 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

My experience has been different.

 

 

Same and then we are closer.  Not as a reason to create distance. It sure can be scary and exciting at the same time! This person reacted to being scared as a reason to distance in the early stages of dating and I hope she dials back her expectations a lot -I agree with the approach suggested by Andrina.

[Tinydance]

This is just my opinion but I think if he was really interested in you, he wouldn't not text for many days and take a day to reply to your messages. I agree you aren't a couple but usually people respond even to family or friends faster than that. I mean, there isn't a requirement to text 24/7 but if I liked someone and wanted a relationship I would text every couple of days or so. I wouldn't take a day to reply because I'd be excited to talk to that person. I understand there's no need to rush it but if it's more you initiating everything then it's not really a good sign. He should be intiatiating messages etc. as well. 

You're saying you're a good-looking woman and fit so if he's really into you why is he being distant? If he really likes you wouldn't he be worried you'd meet another guy? I think if you're getting a vibe that you're more into him than him into you then maybe it's for a reason?

The problem is, there actually isn't really anything you can do to make him like you more. You just have to be yourself. If he likes you as you are then that's great but it's possible he might just not be feeling a huge spark. I mean even if you are attractive but looks aren't always everything because it's about connection as well.

I don't think you should text him too much and pursue him too much. Not  because youa woman but because the effort needs to be equal. 

[rainbowsandroses]

@Anna93 you've received various opinions. 

There is no one "right" answer, feel it out and do what you think is best for YOU based on what you know of him. 

Good luck! 

 

 

[Tinydance]

39 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

My experience has been different (see below quote).

Long term boyfriends and my ex-husband admitted this as well, in some form or fashion.

Again jmo and experience but feeling fear/vulnerability and admitting it is nothing to feel shame for. 

It doesn't last.  Once trust has been established, which takes time, it passes. 

 

 

I actually agree with you because I usually felt really scared when I started seeing someone I liked as well. But I would also feel very excited and get that "butterfly" feeling. So if the person messaged me, very unlikely I would take a day or more to reply. Like, I'd be wanting to talk to them more because I really like them. I always wanted a relationship so I wouldn't not message for a few days at a time because I'd be wanting to get to know that person. Texting constantly isn't good either but if you talk regularly you get to know each other better.

[Anna93]

Thank you all for the understanding and the advices so far. it is precious for me to read your opinions.

I'll try to sum up the answers on your comments:

We have met multiple times while amongst people and 4 times in private. The first date was a shared initiative- I told him where I will be at and he decided to come there and see me. He said that evening, that he have been single for a while and was open for a relationship, hinting with his body language that he refers to me. That's the evening when we first kissed, and the very next day came the message. In the message he implemented that he wanted to be honest  with me  by telling me that he felt a bit scared because he "likes me too much"  and that's why he needed to put breaks on it.  My respons was very calm, saying that I understand (although i don't) and that I know how to handle it.

Fews days later we met on an event that we both attended on a regular bases, there he sat next to me and very obviously for all his friends around, he was holding my hand on top of the table. 

Some days afrer that  he started texting me that he was hoping to see me again, invited me on a concert and eventually invited me to visit him at his place. Our last 2 encounters was at his place, where I made it clear that we are not gonna end up in bed, but yet we did enjoy our company very much, with talking and making out. You know how you can see when someone likes you and wants you, it's in their eyes....  He was OK with me restraining the sexual drive, although he was hoping that we wouldn't stop. He has been a complete gentle man in every kind of way, very respectful and careful to not do any discomfort. 

After the last time I saw him he went on a holiday, and I have barely heard from him. I am being as strong as I can to hold myself back from contacting him, but it's hard.

Few days ago I got a photo from him infront of a swimming pool with the caption " you should have been here". i replied jokingly.  And after that almost nothing again.  

So instead of loosing my mind, I decided to hear some thoughts from other people, that would take my attention away from him and help me find the right approach.  🙏☺️😍 very helpful so far I must say 😍

[Anna93]

24 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I actually agree with you because I usually felt really scared when I started seeing someone I liked as well. But I would also feel very excited and get that "butterfly" feeling. So if the person messaged me, very unlikely I would take a day or more to reply. Like, I'd be wanting to talk to them more because I really like them. I always wanted a relationship so I wouldn't not message for a few days at a time because I'd be wanting to get to know that person. Texting constantly isn't good either but if you talk regularly you get to know each other better.

Those are exactly the worries I have and why I wanted to adress the situation here - because I also don't understand how can you like someone  very much and yet keep a distance and take it so slow. This is beyond my nature. But he is a guy, some guys are made differently I guess. And there is no constant texting I am talking about, it's more like one text for every couple of days......

And yet why he keeps it going on then, if he didn't want to connect with me after all?

[rainbowsandroses]

53 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I actually agree with you because I usually felt really scared when I started seeing someone I liked as well. But I would also feel very excited and get that "butterfly" feeling. So if the person messaged me, very unlikely I would take a day or more to reply. Like, I'd be wanting to talk to them more because I really like them. I always wanted a relationship so I wouldn't not message for a few days at a time because I'd be wanting to get to know that person. Texting constantly isn't good either but if you talk regularly you get to know each other better.

That's fair, everyone reacts to fear in different ways.  

I've backed away at times, in fact the more I liked him, the further I backed away!  

That's definitely not good and I wasn't in a healthy place or ready for what I was feeling and perhaps that's true for Anna's guy as well.

Or perhaps not, perhaps he's not into her at all!  It's simply too early to know anything for certain. 

But as I said, I've had boyfriends admit some level of fear to me, in turn I did as well and it was an endearing moment for both of us. 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, Anna93 said:

.he went on a holiday, and I have barely heard from him.Few days ago I got a photo from him infront of a swimming pool with the caption " you should have been here".  

If he's away on vacation it could explain why the texts slowed down a bit. Try not to panic. He's staying in touch but clearly he's enjoying his vacation. 

[Batya33]

My take on it is he likes you and is attracted to you -and he gets zero points for "restraining" his "sex drive" -please.  So he wasn't too scared to have sex if you'd said ok fine?  But he's scared to feel emotions.  Hmmm.  I don't think he's too interested in dating you.  Which could change.

I think he's also backing off because yes he didn't force himself on you and yes he regrets you didn't change your mind and is rethinking whether he'd prefer a gal who would be ready to have sex where you weren't.  Which simply would mean incompatibility.

I'd tell him if he texts again without trying to make a time place plan to see  you that you're too busy to banter back and forth over text but would love to see him again so if he is available to see you he should let you know.  And not at his house.

There is no right or wrong - this is dating - plain and simple.  I gave my opinion as to what would be most effective - and most protective of your heart -not right or wrong.  I'd be shocked if anyone said there was a right or wrong way - depends how  you balance the risks and benefits.  And whether you'd be happy if you keep initiating contact and he half heartedly agrees to a plan you make - I mean then you'd get to see him -but the risk is you'll feel kind of icky about it.  Or you risk never hearing from him again if you tell him - love to banter/would prefer to banter in person/so let me know when you're free.  Totally up to you -no right or wrong -I agree with Andrina's approach and Tinydance's input. 

[Anna93]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If he's away on vacation it could explain why the texts slowed down a bit. Try not to panic. He's staying in touch but clearly he's enjoying his vacation. 

Nah, sadly it has been in the same pace before he left as well... but then I was thinking that he was busy at work.

[rainbowsandroses]

24 minutes ago, Anna93 said:

Those are exactly the worries I have and why I wanted to adress the situation here - because I also don't understand how can you like someone  very much and yet keep a distance and take it so slow. This is beyond my nature. But he is a guy, some guys are made differently I guess. And there is no constant texting I am talking about, it's more like one text for every couple of days......

And yet why he keeps it going on then, if he didn't want to connect with me after all?

Bolded, again people respond in different ways.  I understand this perfectly, I've experienced it myself and have had men who eventually became long term boyfriends behave this way as well.

This is early stages, it's natural for there to be some ambivalence and uncertainty.  Not always obviously and not for everyone, but for some people yes, depending on what their experiences have been prior to dating you. 

Again my experience.

My advice is try to relax and enjoy the process of getting to know each other.  Remain open and flexible to changing nuances and lower expectations.

Keep eyes and ears open and continue observing his behavior as HE no doubt is doing as well with you.  

You will know soon enough if he is the right man for you, but please be patient, it's still very early stages. 

P.S. please don't start dictating to him what he can or cannot do, or else...

That type of heavy-handed approach is likely to push him right out the door.

If it ever gets to the point you need to do that, just leave, stop seeing him. 

 

 

 

[Tinydance]

46 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Bolded, again people respond in different ways.  I understand this perfectly, I've experienced it myself and have had men who eventually became long term boyfriends behave this way as well.

This is early stages, it's natural for there to be some ambivalence and uncertainty.  Not always obviously and not for everyone, but for some people yes, depending on what their experiences have been prior to dating you. 

Again my experience.

My advice is try to relax and enjoy the process of getting to know each other.  Remain open and flexible to changing nuances and lower expectations.

Keep eyes and ears open and continue observing his behavior as HE no doubt is doing as well with you.  

You will know soon enough if he is the right man for you, but please be patient, it's still very early stages. 

P.S. please don't start dictating to him what he can or cannot do, or else...

That type of heavy-handed approach is likely to push him right out the door.

If it ever gets to the point you need to do that, just leave, stop seeing him. 

 

 

 

I totally understand being scared and nervous when you start dating someone you really like. I usually feel exactly the same. But I actually disagree that it's "normal" to pull away or keep a distance if you're supposed to like someone. Especially in the case with this guy because he said: "I could be open to a relationship". So if he's open to it then why would he keep a distance when the goal to start a relationship is to get closer, not more distant? If he's only looking for casual (maybe he is?) then people who want the casual keep the distance to show it's not going to be serious. For example people who are FWB might just see each other every couple of weeks and don't text much in between to keep it on that casual level. 

Although I do agree with you that because they've only been on a couple of dates, he's not necessarily required to act head over heels. She's already crazy about him, she even mentioned love. But he's probably thinking I'm only just getting to know this woman. In any case I agree that it's not good to smother him or push him. I've had people who love bombed me and it tends to have the opposite effect where it actually becomes a bit scary.

[yogacat]

I think, just judging by your thread title "I'm (30F) desperate to make him mine (29M) I need help to not screw up" you're already on the way to screw up. Maybe you're coming off a bit too intensely and he's trying to ease back, even a little.

He may not be responding as much as you want, but he is responding when he has time to respond. He knows you're there and he knows where you stand. Try to keep your independence a little when it comes to him. 

But still, him straight up saying "he's scared of getting too close", is a bit of a neon sign to me.  I would pay attention to his definition of 'too close'.

You both seem to have a connection and enjoy each other's company, which is great! But if he has expressed that he needs to slow things down he's simply not where you're at (yet) and that's his way of saying "I'm not 100% ready, expecting something more serious."

I would suggest you don't "make" him do anything. If he is having hesitations or doubts, the best thing you can do is just take a step back and give him some space. Focus on yourself and don't put all your energy into trying to make him yours.

From everything you've written up until now, you really been doing things well and it seems that you've got a great thing going. Maybe saying next time you talk to him that you really enjoy the things you two do together and that hopefully you two can continue to do them. And then just leave it at that! Plus make a mental note that you're investing feelings where you really don't have a return.   

[rainbowsandroses]

41 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

But I actually disagree that it's "normal" to pull away or keep a distance if you're supposed to like someone...

^^I did not say it was normal.  

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I've backed away at times, in fact the more I liked him, the further I backed away!  

That's definitely not good and I wasn't in a healthy place or ready for what I was feeling and perhaps that's true for Anna's guy as well.

No it's not "normal" but it's not abnormal either or uncommon, again depending on what that person's experience has been prior to dating that person in this case Anna.  For me, it took time and yes some space and patience; my fear eventually passed.  

And that after only two months in, it's too early to know much of anything and to continuing observing behavior until she does know or gets a better feel of the situation.

Lower expectations and continue the process of getting to know each other, slowly, gradually, organically. 

Short of dumping the guy which would be completely premature and an extreme emotional reaction imo, that's my best advice.