I'm (30F) desperate to make him mine (29M) I need help to not screw up

[itsallgrand]

Just now, rainbowsandroses said:

OK but after only two months?  If it were a year or even six months, I'd be inclined to agree.

But to expect that someone, be it a man or woman, should know exactly what they want with the particular person they're dating and be "all in" after only two months is an unrealistic expectation IMHO. 

I also don't think it's unusual during early stages for someone to "not know for certain" how the other feels or what's going to happen.

It's called uncertainty, it happens and is very real.  It doesn't last and if someone can't handle uncertainty during early stages I think they're going to struggle in today's dating environment.

Again jmo.

 

 

I evaded committing to anyone for big chunks of my dating life. When I wanted to, I stepped up to make sure someone knew I wanted to see how far we could go.

So personally, I'm basing my opinion on my own experiences on that end and the other. I watched lots of commitment ready men wave bye, and for good reason, I wasn't looking for what they wanted. 

[LootieTootie]

3 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^OK but after only two months?  If it were a year or even six months, I'd be inclined to agree.

But to expect that someone, be it a man or woman, should know exactly what they want with the particular person they're dating and be "all in" after only two months is an unrealistic expectation IMHO. 

I also don't think it's unusual during early stages for someone to "not know for certain" how the other feels or what's going to happen.

It's called uncertainty, it happens and is very real.  It doesn't last and if someone can't handle a bit of uncertainty during early stages I think they're going to struggle in today's dating environment.

Again jmo.

 

 

So when I say "all in" I mean does the person show consistent effort - like they are responding to you, making sure you know they are interested in you by making plans, suggesting plans, asking how you are doing and not just using you as an egoboost....  He doesn't seem to be all in because of his lukewarm vibes she getting, hence why she is on here looking for feedback.

 

[Wiseman2]

23 hours ago, Anna93 said:

 he "got a bit scared" and felt like he needed to slow down. That message came after we had a really romantic Valentines-day in the park when we kissed for the first time. That got me very confused, 

Try to relax and wait until he gets back from vacation. He has already warned you that he wants to take it slower and more casually than you do. You're correct that you can't make someone like you more than they do. But you can slow down for your own sake. 

[Batya33]

14 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

So when I say "all in" I mean does the person show consistent effort - like they are responding to you, making sure you know they are interested in you by making plans, suggesting plans, asking how you are doing and not just using you as an egoboost....  He doesn't seem to be all in because of his lukewarm vibes she getting, hence why she is on here looking for feedback.

 

And to me this is not gendered and not even limited to dating. It's part of making new friends -potentially close ones -part of the interviewing process very often! It's rare I see someone about to bail because "for the past 2 months he asks me out every Tuesday for Thursday and Sunday brunch but then he told me he had a project at work this week so could we do a quick drink after work Friday instead of Thursday -uh oh....is he just not that into me?? Does he have another girl now for Thursday???"  Nope -with rare exception most healthy people would accept that reasoning given the overall consistency and at least wait and see if when the project is over the person goes back to the twice a week plan.  Then I'd surely say -give the guy a break -he ran into an obstacle and he's being open with you about exactly what it is.  Yes there's a mild shade of gray there. 

I dealt with this sort of lukewarm stuff and saw my friends deal with it and some tried to play Cool Girl and be overly available if Lukewarm Larry randomly asked one night for a last minute plan -and yes I know of men who seemed to drag their feet when it came to actually proposing but they did.  And it worked out nicely.  Seen once in awhile a couple reconnect after a first, aborted, lukewarm dating interaction with a good excuse for it and then go on to be together.  I personally -never saw a person react to fears after two months of dating by retreating, being lukewarm and wishy washy -- more than momentarily - like for an evening "hey I just need some me time tonight ok - hope you don't mind" (said someone I then was with for years who was totally into me) - and then step back up and be all in -all in as it's written in the post above.

I'm totally fine with a woman making excuses for a man's fears, settling for a man with the lukewarm vibe, waiting with baited breath for every text, every call and cherishing those moments he seems to be "totally into me!!" -the drama makes it exciting - you'll never be bored.  Never have to risk vulnerability because he'll be just out of your reach most of the time.  Just don't like buy theater or concert tickets in advance or believe him when he accepts an invite to a friends' birthday dinner or a family holiday dinner if you can stomach his last minute "uhhhh this is overwhelming for me sorry" or "sorry I'm just not up to it" and smile brightly to your friends about how - oops he had that hives outbreak again /had to pair his socks. 

But it's exciting and a safe way to worship from afar out of desperation and tell yourself you're "dating."  Nothing is black and white or right and wrong -people get their thrills and joy all sorts of ways.  My impression was she's looking for a serious relationship with shared effort but sure I could be wrong! 

Good example from TV - Sex and the City when Carrie dates "Berger" - twice over I think - and he breaks up with her via a post-it. Not a post.  A yellow post-it note.  

[LootieTootie]

16 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

 Not once a guy came back and said, hey I was really interested in you what happened? Nope. I say stop sitting on yer hands for a man that doesn't know what he wants. You ain't got time for that sista.

Same journey... we must have seen the same deadends, smackie.

Right there with you about "aint got time for that." Turned 30 and was just like I don't have any more time to give and be spent on "Projects." Now don't get me wrong. I was that wild child, live in the moment 20 year old something, loved the college life in the big city. But the guys I kept landing with were typically the guys that were not ready to be "all in" no matter how much I showed them I was interested, loyal, patient and "cool"... I was unsatisfied and unfulfilled. Why couldn't anyone see that I was enough, or more than enough? So I ended up ghosting them every time and some message me to ask what happened but I knew it would just be the same of the old. I get it dude, you're not all in for whatever reason, but its unfair for my mental state to be unfulfilled and unsatisfied with your inconsistent efforts. Just do you and I'll do me.

Sadly I was in this 10 years loop tho LOL, until I took a sharp turn... an overture that landed me in a scenic calm meadow.. a hidden gem.

[yogacat]

20 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

if Lukewarm Larry randomly asked one night for a last minute plan

Last minute plans make me a bit skeptical. I tend to agree with this. 

Two months is still infatuation zone in my opinion, and for someone to say "I'm all in" at that point I would take to be 100% wanting to be with someone, and thinking they are it now is 100% infatuation. Whatever this guy is (or isn't doing) this needs to be about you and what your center is, not him. He's incapable of meeting your expectations and it's getting you insecure: this is a no good combination for you.

So focus on what you need and want. 

Get your giggles and your insides fueled with your loveability, attractiveness and sex appeal... Because right now you my friend, are centering that wonderful self in a half baked gently puffed (and maybe not the cold wind) man.

[Batya33]

Just now, yogacat said:

Get your giggles and your insides fueled with your loveability, attractiveness and sex appeal... Because right now you my friend, are centering that wonderful self in a half baked gently puffed (and maybe not the cold wind) man.

Y'know Miss Yogacat -we can all do with a bit more of the first part before that Because whether or not it involves some dude.  Too easy for a lot of us to get down on ourselves -or let others' reactions - or lack of reaction -have that effect.  Could not agree more.  Although even a half baked gooey chocolate chip cookie can be just the thing.  Anyway love how you put this.  Thank you.

[rainbowsandroses]

36 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Two months is still infatuation zone in my opinion, and for someone to say "I'm all in" at that point I would take to be 100% wanting to be with someone, and thinking they are it now is 100% infatuation.

I agree with this^ and just to show how different we all are, a man being "all in" and knowing exactly what he wants with certainty after a mere two months, I tend to distrust.

As yoga said, having such feelings so soon lean more towards infatuation and/or intoxicating physical chemistry that can be fleeting.  Even lovebombing in some cases. 

Nope I don't trust it personally.  When it happened that early in and he expressed his intense feelings, I'd listen but take with a grain of salt and gave it more time. 

Even my ex-husband who married me after six months (which turned out to be a big mistake) wasn't "all in" until around three months, and in retrospect THAT was too soon.  For me anyway.  For both of us actually..

There is a saying --  "the faster a man rushes in, the faster he rushes out."

Not an absolute but true in many cases. 

Anna if you want to dump him for preferring to take things slow, or for not feeling 'in love' and being 'all in' after two months time, that is certainly your prerogative and won't judge or fault you for it. 

Again all the best whatever you decide...

 

[Tinydance]

15 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

I definitely get a sense of hopelessness and cynicism from that statement and I totally get that (I was dating and looking for my Mr. Right for 10 years).

I would encourage you to try and not look at the consensus feedback as powerless or a power dynamic between a man and a woman, but more so as self-empowerment. You have the power to go along with your life, and do you and if he reaches out, sweet. At least you gave yourself time and space to come down to earth, lower your expectations, pace yourself and do less thinking of the what ifs.... And you're aware of his mixed messages before so at least you know, what you might be getting yourself into if he reaches out ...and then you can decide if you want to go thru that rodeo again. Personally for me, once I am done with someone, I don't look back. 

Remember... if they aren't giving you consistent effort, they are wasting your time. 

 

 

Just another comment about the powerless thing...I personally found that statement from OP a bit weird. I mean, it's not about power. It's just people dating and you shouldn't "make" anyone "be yours" or do anything special to make them like you. Obviously you should be nice and make an effort but other than that you should just be yourself. 

[Mason Parsons]

From what you've said, it seems like he's into you, but maybe he's got some baggage or cold feet when it comes to diving into a relationship. It's tough when the other person's not as expressive, but if he's still making efforts to see you and get close, there might be something there.