Rejection

[NIN2000]

Recently I met someone at an office through a business deal. As I sat in her office I was in shock by her beauty, her charm and positive demeanor. At the same time I felt confused and a strong sense of deja-vu overwhelmed me.

During our meeting we veered off business talk and began talking about our personal lives, specifically travel. To my surprise she volunteered personal information, such as the neighborhood she lives in, and shared that she is “single” along with the type of flowers she likes. 

Regardless, I did not ask her out nor got her number. Instead I felt confused with a high level of deja-vu, as if I had known or spoken with this woman before. 

Later that night, everything became clearer. Specifically, with clarity I recalled where I had met and spoken with this women before. I even recalled what we spoke about.

As a result, on the next day I passed by her office and left her a thank card with her secretary. In one hour she called me, happy and very elated by my action. I then shared our past encounter and she admitted having a strong sense of deja-vu when I was in her office on the prior day. 

We spoke a little and before getting off the phone she asked me to stay in touch. At that point, I explained that I was leaving town for a week but upon my return would like to invite her out to lunch. She became very excited and agreed on a day.

During my travels we stayed in touch via text, but nothing elaborate. However, I was surprised by many of her responses stating that she couldn’t wait to get together and see me again. 

When the lunch date arrived, she called me to cancel due to a work emergency. She apologized and promised to make up for it. In the same conversation she stated that she was staying late at work and ask me to pass if I was in the area. When I passed by she gave me a big hug, flattered me with compliments on my clothing and became very flirtatious. We then looked at the calendar and a dinner date. 

Everyday after this encounter she would text me messages eager for our dinner date to arrive. Three days prior to meeting up, I called her to make final arrangements such as time and place to dine; she then stated that she would call me back. Instead of calling she sent me a long apology text -once again cancelling, this time with a lame excuse of why she could not make it. Moreover, she didn’t even bother offering an alternative date and just went cold silent. I don’t understand why someone would go through all this effort, and with no logical reason close the door and treat me as persona non grata.

Even though she doesn’t owe me anything, I felt misled and somewhat emotionally used.

Why shower me with praise? Why urge me to pass by her office more often to see her? Why the endless text messages expressing how happy I made her day with my card, text, dinner, messages or flirtatious comment's? Why keep this chain of events going and on the day of getting together responding with an apologetic cancelation? Why waste such time?

We all faced rejection in life. However, what bothered me more was the misleading contradiction of her actions. This was coordinated and for what reasons I don’t know. Eventually I have to return to her office and deal with her for business reasons. When it happens, I will smile, keep it professional and avoid bringing the topic up and move on. It’s best to avoid (on a personal level) people like that. However, I don’t forget and the feeling of being emotionally misled will always bother me. It’s disappointing and to a degree disrespectful.

What do you think?

 

[boltnrun]

Where did you two meet before?

[NIN2000]

We met at a dinner party of a mutual friend.

[Wiseman2]

She seems interested. Perhaps keep trying to find a mutually convenient time. Seems like a good opportunity, don't pass it up on principle. 

[NIN2000]

Wiseman2, thank you for your response. However, I’ve learned in life that people will find time and energy to do the things that they want. In the second cancellation, she didn’t offer an alternative or a follow up date. Just an apology, followed by no follow up plans and cold silence. On the other hand, I was very interested in her, nevertheless this doesn’t seem sincere.

[MissCanuck]

56 minutes ago, NIN2000 said:

Instead of calling she sent me a long apology text -once again cancelling, this time with a lame excuse of why she could not make it.

What did she say?

[smackie9]

Just text her back and tell her to contact you when she can be available. Leave the ball in her court. If you don't hear from her in a week or two. Then just toss her number.  

[kim42]

What kind of excuse did she tell you? What was the reason the reason she couldn't do dinner? 

[NIN2000]

Her excuse for postponing on both occasions was a work related emergency requiring her attention to deadlines.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, NIN2000 said:

. In the second cancellation, she didn’t offer an alternative or a follow up date. Just an apology, followed by no follow up plans and cold silence. 

Hopefully you hear from her when her work emergency is resolved. Personally I've never bought into the "if they don't reschedule immediately they're not interested".  meme.

It just makes no sense because if something came up like an illness or emergency, they may not know their availability . I've always thought of it as a more defeatist attitude than a realistic measure of interest.

[Andrina]

Even people I've known all my life can surprise me by their behavior and things they say.

Who knows what her deal is? I do have a former friend who worked in the same building but a different agency, who loved male attention and had many guys falsely thinking they had a shot with her. 

I'd be annoyed too. I was also annoyed on the mens' behalf on how my former friend treated them. We don't have crystal balls, so we take risks which sometimes don't pan out. The only thing to do is just what you're doing now. Dusting yourself off and planning to act as a pleasant business colleague and no more.

[boltnrun]

11 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Even people I've known all my life can surprise me by their behavior and things they say.

100% true.

I had a friend who had a friend she regarded as her sister. They had been extremely close pretty much their entire lives. She really liked a guy and her friend/sister said "I'm gonna kiss him just because I'm curious." My friend was horrified, sad, felt terribly betrayed...I don't think they were ever as close after that. 

I agree that just conducting yourself in a professional manner is the best course of action. Who knows what's up with her. If she ever decides to tell you, you can decide if you want to listen. 

[catfeeder]

Given that your paths must cross for work, I think you're making the right choice to nix the topic and stick to business. If she wants to raise the subject, she can do so.

I went through a period of high stress and unforeseeable demands in my work life, and I needed to put a halt to dating during that time. She may have been legitimately interested in you, but after the second cancellation she may feel embarrassed and regard attempting to reschedule as futile. Not just because she credits you with self respect, but also because she's learned that her current work climate has made it impossible for her to promise that it wouldn't happen again.

I don't raise this to excuse her, but rather to hopefully help you to feel less hurt. This stuff does happen, regardless of whether it 'should'.

[TeeDee]

She clearly knows how to get in touch with you.  If she wanted to go on the date she could have done a lot to make that happen.  She didn't.  I think you are right to write her off.  If she pops back up & makes an effort & you still want to go out with her fine, but I wouldn't debase yourself by chasing further.  

If you cross paths again with your mutual friend, maybe that person can shed some light on this but I wouldn't reach out just for this.