My wife is very jealous & insecure - We might divorce

[DavidStone]

One year ago I met this Colombian girl [Age 28] and me [38]. At first we started going out, then we became best friends, then things started to get more serious, so we started dating. At first everything seem fine but in our dates I started noticing jealousy episodes from her out of nowhere. For example she accussed me of checking out the waitress , and I looked at her trying to figure what was going on. This happened several times over the course of our relationship. She even admitted she has a serious problem and I told her I was gonna help her get through this and help her fight her insecurities. On our last vacation we had arguments related to jealousy as well. She would get mad because I am friendly to other people, specially females when we go to places. But that is my personality ( I am like that with everyone) and I respect her and I would never flirt with females. Anyways, regardless of everything I love her and I proposed on that same vacation, it was bittersweet, but here we are one year later married. We just married 2 months ago, but things are now getting out of control. Ive had panic attacks because I don't know to help the situation anymore. We are on the bridge of divorce, because any little interaction I have with females she doesn't know, and If I am being friendly in any way, she would get very upset and accuse me of things. For example, our last major fight was like this; So my parents are elderly ,so they have home health services, meaning there is always different nurses coming by to my parents house to take care of them. Since my parents dont speak english,  I am always in contact with these nurses so I can help translate and manage appointments for my parents. Well, the last nurse that called, my wife recognized from last time she called, and she started getting paranoid that I am being disrespectful and unfaithful because I am friendly to this nurse that I've only talked to a few times, So we had a very serious verbal fight where we yelled at each other. Am I doing something wrong? How do I help her? Has anyone had this happened before? Please help, I love her and I dont want to divorce but I am human and I am emotionally exhausted. As a guy, I know I am not perfect, but If I am doing something wrong please let me know.

[Also important note: her whole family is in Colombia, and I am the only family she has here]

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, DavidStone said:

 I am friendly to other people, specially females when we go to places. But that is my personality 

Sorry this is happening. Was there a reason to marry in a hurry, such as residency?  Do you speak the same language? Have you been to Columbia to visit her family? 

It's unfortunate she's insecure and jealous, but from your end, you could tone down your "especially friendly to females" attitude. 

Perhaps marriage therapy could help or ask an attorney what a divorce or annulment would entail. 

Is this the same woman?

 

[TeeDee]

This is what happens when you marry strangers who you know are broken.  

You were dating less than a year.  She was jealousy & nutty but you married her anyway.  First mistake. 

Now that you are married you have to fix this or divorce.  I suggest Marriage Counseling.  She also needs individual counseling to undo whatever damage happened to her to make her think like this. 

You can't be expected to go through life never interacting with other women. 

[yogacat]

I've had long term relationships with two types of men. One, he was a professional dancer, very extroverted, had a lot of women friends. People are attracted to him, and in particular, women would hone in on him anytime we went out together. I was NEVER  jealous or insecure. I trusted him implicitly.

Contrast to a different ex, again, very extroverted, I never felt at ease when he was friendlier with certain women. Why? Because he gave off a different kind of energy to certain women... not just women, to men as well, but it was clear to me he liked being adored. He put in a ton of effort to make people like him. He was outgoing, charming, smiles for miles. I'm someone who prefers weird/dry senses of humor, so it's not like I'm a sourpuss. 

But my point is, if you're the latter type, someone who puts their energy into making others adore them, it's for you to recognize the type of energy you're putting out. When it comes to very insecure/disempowered women, who can't seem to handle anything less than constant validation/special treatment, being aware of this alone will probably do you a world of good in selecting more secure women.

Yes, you can tone down things a little because you love her, but I highly doubt that will make her feel cumfy with the core of your true energy. She's the one with some serious demon-exorcising to do... and I don't mean that to be flippant. I mean that actually needs lots of help and lots of inner work. The accusing you of checking out the waitress thing is deeply concerning. Were you? There are clearly nuances to this. Like, she may be correct you checked the waitress out, but you only checked the waitress out like you'd notice or take note of anyone in the course of a mostly passing interaction. Or it's the case that there's no way on this earth you were checking the waitress out, just by virtue of this is not within your nature, and semi-throwaway moment-moments that there's just no recourse to pretend as a narrative to act out in. 

There's always the possibility that no matter how you behave, she won't ever feel secure... what then?

[DavidStone]

40 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Was there a reason to marry in a hurry, such as residency?  Do you speak the same language? Have you been to Columbia to visit her family? 

It's unfortunate she's insecure and jealous, but from your end, you could tone down your "especially friendly to females" attitude. 

Perhaps marriage therapy could help or ask an attorney what a divorce or annulment would entail. 

Is this the same woman?

 

Yes, same one. Yes we married quicky because of her legal status. Yes we both speak spanish. We were planning to go to Colombia whenever she is able to travel but for now I only know her family via video chat. Thanks for your advice. Her issue seems chronic, and I want to help but I also have my own issues I gotta deal with. I am doing my best but it wears me out to fight about the same thing every other day.

[MissCanuck]

Why did you think that marrying her would somehow make these issues better?

You knew what you were signing up for, given how many times you'd seen it before you proposed. I'm sorry, but if she's not actively working on her problems, you are looking at a lifetime of misery. You cannot fix her problems for her. 

You have a big decision to make. 

[Kwothe28]

“She literally told me who she is and despite overwhelming evidence that proved exactly that, I didnt believe her”- You right now.

First of all, you married a Latina. Might be a generalization but from what I saw at “90 Days Fiance”, they are hot tempered. Second of all, even despite knowing that, despite her telling you that and you seeing that in action, you decided to ignore that and even marry somebody like that. You made your own bed by ignoring the signs. And now are at the brink of divorce because of that. 
 

There is no help for what you are experiencing. Dunno if its “90 Days Fiance” situation and if she just wanted a green card. But as far as the marriage goes, this is not something you should put up with. So, divorce is a viable solution for your troubles.

[tattoobunnie]

You are not property. She does not own you.  She does not respect who you are, nor see your cordial and courteousness as a positive.  Nothing will make her happy.  She is toxic.  When you divorce, you will feel like a couch has been lifted off of you.  My husband talks to everyone, and I love him for it.