Can someone pls help understand my mentality??

[graceadamaie5]

I met this guy 3 weeks ago at my first lecture for one of my classes. We ended up sitting next to each other from then on and we would text frequently and sometimes played pool at our uni after class. For the first 2 weeks I felt nothing but friendship for him but when he texted me something and mentioned another girl in it - I felt strangely weird. I didn’t know what to think because I thought I only liked him as a friend but in that instance, I felt jealous of a girl he had merely mentioned. The next day we had class together again and I kept thinking about him and then came to the conclusion that I might like him as more than a friend. But then to my complete shock, after class he asked me out. In that moment,  everything that I thought I felt for him vanished and I pretty much rejected him. Im just not understanding why all my feelings went away the moment I realised they were reciprocated??

[Wiseman2]

58 minutes ago, graceadamaie5 said:

 , after class he asked me out.  I pretty much rejected him. 

What did you say to him? If you're not interested or only interested in being classmates or friends, that's fine. Try not to overanalyze. 

[graceadamaie5]

 I kind of just rambled on about not being ready for a relationship right now - this is my first time being asked out like this so I had no clue what to say. 

[Capricorn3]

It sounds to me like he liked you and then it all backfired when you got all jealous at the mention of another girl and then rejected him when he asked you out.  He must be feeling really confused right now.  Are you usually a very jealous person in general?  Jealousy can make people overreact about the smallest thing.  That's something to work on.

[graceadamaie5]

But the thing is, I didn't make it apparent that I was jealous of this girl I acted completely normal. I also feel like I didn't really act in a way that would allude to me liking him as more than friends in the first place so I don't think he would be very confused. I guess I am a pretty jealous person on this inside but I don't EVER show it. I just don't know why I lost feelings for him when I actually found out that he liked me back.

[Batya33]

You liked him when he seemed to be a challenge but not when he wasn't.

[graceadamaie5]

I know that this might all sound really dumb but it's just hard for me since this is the first time something like this has happened. And I don't really want to go asking my friends to psychoanalyse what's wrong with me.

[Batya33]

Just now, graceadamaie5 said:

I know that this might all sound really dumb but it's just hard for me since this is the first time something like this has happened. And I don't really want to go asking my friends to psychoanalyse what's wrong with me.

It's simple -you were into him as thrill of the chase -to win him over - but you are not into him as a person so you don't feel like going on a date with him even to see if there's potential for a spark.  That's ok -no need to date -maybe he'll pursue the other gal.

[itsallgrand]

It feels nice to have someone give positive attention. And when you thought that was threatened by another girl, you confused not wanting the attention to stop for interest in him. It's ok, it's all part of the learning curve of getting to know yourself well and your feelings. He was giving pretty good signals he may be interested, so the asking out doesn't seem out of left field to me. He thought the interest might be mutual so he went for it. No harm overall on either end. 

[Andrina]

Well, even platonic friends can feel jealous, such as if you feel a friend likes another friend better than you in certain situations.

You're young and learning about yourself. I remember being surprised at things I didn't expect either when I was young. Such as when I was 18 and had a crush on my soccer coach who was 27. It was an independent league for adults, not school related, and he was just a volunteer. It was not ethically wrong for him to ask me on a date, but when he did, I realized that my crush on him did not translate to actually wanting to date him. That kind of surprised me, that I could have a crush but didn't want to really take that to a different place.

Good luck with college life. I have so many good memories of mine. Enjoy.

[graceadamaie5]

1 minute ago, Andrina said:

Well, even platonic friends can feel jealous, such as if you feel a friend likes another friend better than you in certain situations.

You're young and learning about yourself. I remember being surprised at things I didn't expect either when I was young. Such as when I was 18 and had a crush on my soccer coach who was 27. It was an independent league for adults, not school related, and he was just a volunteer. It was not ethically wrong for him to ask me on a date, but when he did, I realized that my crush on him did not translate to actually wanting to date him. That kind of surprised me, that I could have a crush but didn't want to really take that to a different place.

Good luck with college life. I have so many good memories of mine. Enjoy.

Honestly that makes a lot of sense. Thank you so much to you and everyone else who replied!

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, graceadamaie5 said:

  I don't really want to go asking my friends to psychoanalyse what's wrong with me.

Maybe you're just nervous about being asked out and panicked.  As far as wanting what you "can't have", it's a long road to frustration and unhappiness. 

There's nothing to analyze other than you probably denied liking him all along until him mentioning someone brought out that you do like him. 

Are you afraid of men or dating? Seems more like a bit of a panic attack and lack of awareness than anything else. 

[graceadamaie5]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Maybe you're just nervous about being asked out and panicked.  As far as wanting what you "can't have", it's a long road to frustration and unhappiness. 

There's nothing to analyze other than you probably denied liking him all along until him mentioning someone brought out that you do like him. 

Are you afraid of men or dating? Seems more like a bit of a panic attack and lack of awareness than anything else. 

I do think I am a bit afraid of dating firstly because I haven’t done it before and also I don’t want to get my heart broken and end up moping around at uni and flopping all my classes which is what happened to my mum.

[Kwothe28]

There is nothing too complicated to understand. You dont like him but he gave you attention and was there for you. But then after he mentioned the idea of another girl, you felt the attention is going away. But then after he asked you out you realized he is still there for you and that you dont want him now.

Its quite a “toxic” mentality actually. You felt that you wanted him just because other girl might have his attention now. So you felt that maybe something valuable is there since the other woman maybe wants him. I would try to fix that if I were you. That mentality can lead you to chase unavailable guys. 

[MissCanuck]

As the others have said, your ego enjoyed thinking he was into you. 

But you are not actually into him. That's all it is. 

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, graceadamaie5 said:

I do think I am a bit afraid of dating firstly because I haven’t done it before and also I don’t want to get my heart broken and end up moping around at uni and flopping all my classes which is what happened to my mum.

I'd not focus on what happened to your mother -that involved two separate individuals many years ago.  Our son is 15 -not dating yet -and between my husband and me I'm sure we had a number of rejections, heartbreaks, disappointments- your mother made a choice to react to the heartbreak as she did and maybe also had some depression etc -but she is not you.  Be your own person and try to limit negative generalized assumptions about dating and relationships. Totally fine you choose not to go on a date but please don't make your mom the reason.

[Andrina]

12 hours ago, graceadamaie5 said:

I do think I am a bit afraid of dating firstly because I haven’t done it before and also I don’t want to get my heart broken and end up moping around at uni and flopping all my classes which is what happened to my mum.

Since you're only getting your Mom's perspective on things, I'll give another. Not getting your heart broken over a lifetime is not a realistic goal. Resiliency should be your goal. That's often achieved when you keep a healthy balance in your life of spending time with friends, enjoyable solo time, your education and career, hobbies/interests. When you have all that going on besides dating, a guy will never be the sole center of your universe, and therefore there will be no need to melt into a useless puddle if a break up happens.

[smackie9]

You are going to uni....you don't need a relationship...have experiences....go out have fun fool around, but don't invest your feelings in anyone so no broken heart can happen. Saying OK sure to a date doesn't mean you are obligated in anyway to reciprocate feelings or interest. Just have fun. 

[rainbowsandroses]

52 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Since you're only getting your Mom's perspective on things, I'll give another. Not getting your heart broken over a lifetime is not a realistic goal. Resiliency should be your goal. That's often achieved when you keep a healthy balance in your life of spending time with friends, enjoyable solo time, your education and career, hobbies/interests. When you have all that going on besides dating, a guy will never be the sole center of your universe, and therefore there will be no need to melt into a useless puddle if a break up happens.

100% this!  Cut and paste it to your fridge!  Lol

I'm not afraid of getting my heart broken or getting hurt.  It's not my favorite thing of course but I don't fear it. 

Yes, I'll be hurt and sad for awhile, but it's like @Andrinasaid, I'm resilient and as such, if/when I get disappointed or hurt, I KNOW I will be okay, no matter what. 

And that when one door closes, another bigger, better door will eventually open. 

Your fear will be your downfall. You're not alone, many people have the same paralyzing fear and run away from any situation or person where the possibility of getting hurt exists.  

It's no way to live imo. 

 

[Jaunty]

Part of jealousy is wanting what somebody else has and you do not.  

Also it's common to want the attention / affection from anothter person for validation / ego boost but not be interested in actually pursuing anything romantic with them.

You are self aware - you recognize what happened with you.  It's not something you need to over analyze.   It is what it is.  Start holding yourself accountable for when you feel the jealousy and talk yourself down.  That way you won't get stuck being defined by that quality - it's not a great one.