Am I leading him on?

[Radiant41]

A new guy came to work.  We work very closely together.  We work very well together.  We soon became friends but strictly joking around mainly about work.  Then he really surprised me by asking me out.  I was very shocked.  I thanked him for the compliment (when I should have gracefully declined) and asked time to think about it.  I finally told him that due to close work proximity and because of something very complicated and difficult I am working through that is using up all of my energy I can't.

This isn't true.  If I was attracted to him I would have gone out with him.  (not an issue with our company) But I didn't want to say that to him so I copped out.  He got a little pushy but I kept saying no and he dropped it.  We still have to work closely together.  He assures me nothing has changed.

He took over my former position.  My former position is VERY intense.  There is no outlet in that position, no one to consult or get help from.  It is a lot to deal with.  It bleeds into nights and weekends.  So he reaches out to me on his lunch break, to vent, consult, go over things.  This turns into joking and talking about shared interests.  I try to keep it strictly work but it feels cold, abrupt and unkind.

Then I think I made a mistake.  He bought me a couple gifts in the past (Christmas, just because once).  I specifically made sure not to reciprocate.  But he did me a huge favor (HUGE) at work and I felt I needed to return the favor so I bought him a meaningful gift as a thank you.  He has gone on a bit about the gift and how much it means to him coming from me and how special it is etc... He's commented multiple times on the fact that I gave him a gift.

Am I "leading" him on? I don't want his feelings towards me to grow.  If leading him on, I don't see a way to change things. 

[Batya33]

You led him to believe you have personal feelings for him.  Change it by being honest.  "I wanted to clear the air. I gave you the gift because I was reciprocating your thoughtful gift and I enjoy our working relationship.  I look forward to working with you in the future too."

[catfeeder]

Just now, Batya33 said:

You led him to believe you have personal feelings for him.  Change it by being honest.  "I wanted to clear the air. I gave you the gift because I was reciprocating your thoughtful gift and I enjoy our working relationship.  I look forward to working with you in the future too."

I don't know about 'leading,' but it could be possible from his POV, and this ^^answer is a good way to address it IF he brings up the gift again. I wouldn't initiate a convo about it otherwise.

I see nothing wrong with being generous with your knowledge of his role AND having fun while doing so. However, in order to keep good boundaries with someone who has already asked for dating--even to the degree of getting pushy--I'd avoid getting personal, I'd avoid spending private time with him outside the office. If his questions start becoming conveniently habitual in order to see more of you, I'd ask him to keep a log of them to discuss once or twice a week, or send an email if he needs faster advice.

Also, before answering, I'd start challenging him to tell you how HE believes a situation should be addressed. Then you can confirm or correct. He needs to become self sufficient.

[Wiseman2]

47 minutes ago, Radiant41 said:

  I finally told him that due to close work proximity I can't.This isn't true.  If I was attracted to him I would have gone out with him. Am I "leading" him on? 

It doesn't seem like you're leading him on. You said no to dating and stuck with it. All you can do is continue to be polite and professional . 

[Andrina]

2 hours ago, Radiant41 said:

This turns into joking and talking about shared interests.  I try to keep it strictly work but it feels cold, abrupt and unkind.

I'm guessing he believes that when you resolve your complex problems, he'll get to come out of waiting in the wings and get that date with you.

I've tried the nice way as well, of easing out of that awkward ask from a co-worker. In the end, after more unwanted attention and trying to be nice but reiterating what I'd previously said, I had to get mean to finally stop his behavior.

I think it will be kinder in the long run to totally stop that extra talk that doesn't involve work. You can be abrupt and say, well, good luck on that. I have to get back to work.

Because this is turning into a one-sided emotional affair. Many sitcoms have addressed the work husband/work wife dilemma. Nip this in the bud for the good of you both. He will be too busy bonding with you to seek an available, single woman. And when you get a bf, if he visits your work place, or knows about what goes on at your work place as many partners will learn, this will create problems. I know I wouldn't want a woman at my husband's work crushing on him.

Read some articles about emotional affairs at work and how to put up boundaries. Good luck.

[Radiant41]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

You led him to believe you have personal feelings for him.  Change it by being honest.  "I wanted to clear the air. I gave you the gift because I was reciprocating your thoughtful gift and I enjoy our working relationship.  I look forward to working with you in the future too."

Thanks for the wording.  I would have struggled with that.

[Radiant41]

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I don't know about 'leading,' but it could be possible from his POV, and this ^^answer is a good way to address it IF he brings up the gift again. I wouldn't initiate a convo about it otherwise.

I see nothing wrong with being generous with your knowledge of his role AND having fun while doing so. However, in order to keep good boundaries with someone who has already asked for dating--even to the degree of getting pushy--I'd avoid getting personal, I'd avoid spending private time with him outside the office. If his questions start becoming conveniently habitual in order to see more of you, I'd ask him to keep a log of them to discuss once or twice a week, or send an email if he needs faster advice.

Also, before answering, I'd start challenging him to tell you how HE believes a situation should be addressed. Then you can confirm or correct. He needs to become self sufficient.

Challenging him to answer his own question is great!  It's training him anyway that way and creating that distance.

[Radiant41]

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

I'm guessing he believes that when you resolve your complex problems, he'll get to come out of waiting in the wings and get that date with you.

I've tried the nice way as well, of easing out of that awkward ask from a co-worker. In the end, after more unwanted attention and trying to be nice but reiterating what I'd previously said, I had to get mean to finally stop his behavior.

I think it will be kinder in the long run to totally stop that extra talk that doesn't involve work. You can be abrupt and say, well, good luck on that. I have to get back to work.

Because this is turning into a one-sided emotional affair. Many sitcoms have addressed the work husband/work wife dilemma. Nip this in the bud for the good of you both. He will be too busy bonding with you to seek an available, single woman. And when you get a bf, if he visits your work place, or knows about what goes on at your work place as many partners will learn, this will create problems. I know I wouldn't want a woman at my husband's work crushing on him.

Read some articles about emotional affairs at work and how to put up boundaries. Good luck.

I'm bad at dating and this is definitely one of my issues.  I struggle to be blunt when the time calls for it.  But I see what you're saying about me creating a bigger issue.  I've kept it work only 'til now but he keeps pushing me for a game night.  I've told him I'm to busy hoping he'd get the idea... but he isn't getting it.  I gotta be mature with this and just address it.  Bleh.  I hate being blunt.

[Andrina]

Yeah, not fun. I've experienced the same a few times. Even though I had to put the men firmly in line, over time we went back to a normal, co-worker relationship with just simple, pleasant hellos, etc.

Please know that he's the one who has put you in this awkward position, and he's the one pushing the boundaries. This situation is of his own making.

I actually have a male co-worker who years ago was being sexually harassed by a new woman in management. (I believe she was literally a psycho.) He was compiling written statements but first tried being nice. He sat down with her and said, "Listen, just so you know, I don't mix my personal life with my professional life. I don't hang out with co-workers outside of work."

It was actually a lie, but he was desperate.

Perhaps something you could try if that's the case with you. Otherwise, say whatever you've come up with that doesn't leave him with any false hope. Good luck.

[Wonderstruck]

@Radiant41, no, you are NOT leading him on whatsoever.

He's just refusing to take "No" for an answer, and trying to "wear you down", as so many creepy, entitled men try to do.

 

2 hours ago, Andrina said:

In the end, after more unwanted attention and trying to be nice but reiterating what I'd previously said, I had to get mean to finally stop his behavior.

And this is EXACTLY why I have no regrets or remorse over "getting mean" with men who REFUSE to politely "take the hint" and BACK OFF.

Unfortunately, it's often the only way to get them to leave you alone.

I'm really sorry that you're going through this. I hate hearing about men who make women feel uncomfortable, especially at their place of work.

[ShySoul]

No, you are not leading him on. You have done very well to keep things professionial and not indicate there is more then there is. There is also nothing wrong with joking or talking about shared interests. If the position is that intense, then both of you probably need those moments to catch your breath and have fun in the day. No one wants to go through all the long hours talking just about the work. That would make the time drag on and feel even longer and more like a nightmare then it probably already feels. Likewise, the gift was a sign of your appreciation, not an indication of anything else. There's nothing wrong with small gifts.

His feelings are his feelings, not your responsibilty to monitor. I'm guessing that as he took over your position and you've been there to show him the ropes and help him out, he probably sees you as a mentor figure and a friend. Given the workload, that friendship is important to him. Unless he starts directly hinting for more, don't worry about it. And if his feelings do grow into more and he does hint for something, just repeat what you said before, that you don't think it would be approriate given the circumstances. 

[MissCanuck]

You are going to need to be a lot more direct with him, and tell him you don't want a personal relationship with him. 

Be clear with him that the gift was a professional gesture of appreciation, not a sign of personal affection. 

[Kwothe28]

10 hours ago, Radiant41 said:

I finally told him that due to close work proximity and because of something very complicated and difficult I am working through that is using up all of my energy I can't.

This isn't true.  If I was attracted to him I would have gone out with him.  (not an issue with our company) But I didn't want to say that to him so I copped out.  

And this ladies and gentleman, is a prime example of why every excuse is just a “No”.

That being said, I do think lot of people dont set up boundaries too well. For example you took excuse not to go out with the guy and thought he took notice of that. While, you later accepted his gifts, allowed him to do favors to you and even bought him a gift. That doesnt exactly screams “No I wouldnt date you”. It just prolongs his hopes. Which you know they are there because you know that he likes you.

Set firmer boundaries. That means no fraternizing outside of strictly work communication if it was necessery, and certanly not gift accepting. 

[Radiant41]

4 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

And this ladies and gentleman, is a prime example of why every excuse is just a “No”.

That being said, I do think lot of people dont set up boundaries too well. For example you took excuse not to go out with the guy and thought he took notice of that. While, you later accepted his gifts, allowed him to do favors to you and even bought him a gift. That doesnt exactly screams “No I wouldnt date you”. It just prolongs his hopes. Which you know they are there because you know that he likes you.

Set firmer boundaries. That means no fraternizing outside of strictly work communication if it was necessery, and certanly not gift accepting. 

Monday.  First day of the week.  I'm setting that boundary!

[Radiant41]

1 minute ago, Radiant41 said:

Monday.  First day of the week.  I'm setting that boundary!

First day of the work week anyway

[smackie9]

Next time maybe be a little more honest. Don't leave the door open with "I am too busy atm" BUT that shouldn't matter IMO. You turned down his advances regardless of your excuse. He's an adult, he has to figure this out on his own. 

Great advice from everyone else. State your position with him and set professional boundaries. And giving him a gift of appreciation is not leading him on if it was for something in particular. How he feels about you, is his own problem to deal with, not yours. 

[Coily]

 

23 hours ago, Radiant41 said:

I finally told him that due to close work proximity and because of something very complicated and difficult I am working through that is using up all of my energy I can't.

This is quite a bit of him leading himself on. The lack of clarity on the OP's part in "letting him down easy" is a lesson learned hopefully.  I can see where even the most reasonable guy who has been told the women want to be pursued trope, would think the door is left open. Many times there is a need for a firm "No" and that's all.

As long has he's reasonable, and given that forthright "no," he'll probably back off and set sail for other dating options.

[ShySoul]

Since being told no he engages in friendly conversation with a coworker. He gave out a Christmas gift. He was touched by a gift given to him. Nothing in that says he is hoping for or trying for more. If it did, then I must have been pursuing coworkers in the past despite not having any romantic feelings to them in the slightest. 

He may still have feelings. He may have dropped it once he was told no and just be a very nice and friendly guy. This may be him seeing a potential relationship, or it could be overanalyzing the situation. Really, just do what you are comfortable with. If you want to have casual chit chat, have it. If you want to exchange a small gift, give it. But if either side does something that makes the other uncomfortable, then they should let the other know and put a stop to it.

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, ShySoul said:

ince being told no he engages in friendly conversation with a coworker. He gave out a Christmas gift. He was touched by a gift given to him. Nothing in that says he is hoping for or trying for more. If it did, then I must have been pursuing coworkers in the past despite not having any romantic feelings to them in the slightest. 

Since this is a professional workplace and she supervises him I'd be totally risk averse and keep all professional and polite.  She's seen how he seems not to "get it" and her professional life should be her top priority and avoiding any finger pointing at her since she is the supervisor/one with the greater work knowledge.