My ex-girlfriend started ignoring me completely - did I do something wrong?

[lost-in-love]

Hi everybody, 

I realize this is a very standard story but in the last weeks my brain is occupied all the time by this topic. I keep asking myself if and what I did wrong and how can someone who was part of my life treat me as if we never knew each other.

My ex-girlfriend and I started spending time as friends and gradually things evolved in a relationship. I am in my early 30s and she is in her late 20s. We were together just for a few months, she ended the relationship in a respectful way saying that we are not so compatible. I am a bit introverted and I think she was looking for a different personality. She told me she wants a more confident guy who makes her feel desirable.

After the break-up we continued spending time as friends which was maybe a mistake because in this way we didn't manage to process the break-up. After some weeks we ended up making out and actually she initiated it.  And then the problem started: I thought we could be together again while she said this was a closure. She became distant, annoyed by small things I say or do. It felt that nothing I said or did was good.

I realized I am losing her from my life, we spoke and I told her that I have feelings. She said that we both should move on. I didn't want to annoy her and stopped contacting her. We only met with mutual friends 3-4 times and she was confusing because she would switch from being friendly to being distant or even mean. After seeing her I was feeling worthless.

After not meeting her for 2 months we saw each other and she didn't even say 'hello'. She looked at me as if I was the worst person in the world and I don't get why when I gave her the space she wanted. She might have a new boyfriend but is this a reason to completely ignore someone who was part of her life? I feel like a piece of garbage she wants to throw away from her life.

Did I do something wrong or maybe I am just weak, or maybe she is rude and immature, or maybe that's just life?

 

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, lost-in-love said:

 She might have a new boyfriend but is this a reason to completely ignore someone who was part of her life?

Sorry this is happening. It doesn't seem like you did anything wrong, but it does seem like she needed to push you away because you kept trying to reconcile. 

Definitely having a new BF is a good reason to have clear boundaries that it's over. Please try to move forward. 

[boltnrun]

Wiseman is correct. She made a poor decision to engage with you physically after the breakup, but she saw it as something casual and without any "meaning" while you saw it as a reconciliation. Because of this, she is being careful to not give you any encouragement at all in case you view a friendly attitude on her part as a sign she wants to reconcile.

And yes, it's appropriate to put an ex behind you after beginning a new relationship or dating situation unless you two share children (in which case it's necessary to communicate). 

You are not "garbage". But you are in her past and she must be in your past as well. The only healthy path is forward, not backward. 

[Batya33]

She is not being the nicest but she wants to make it clear that she is with someone new and maybe the bf is not a fan of her hanging around with you even as "friends".  Please do not take it personally.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, lost-in-love said:

She looked at me as if I was the worst person in the world

Are you sure you aren't projecting here? 

I have a feeling that even a neutral glace from her would get you thinking she hates you or something. She isn't warm and friendly anymore but I highly doubt she thinks you are some awful guy. You are filtering these interactions through a lens of despair, in other words, and probably seeing more malice than she ever intended. 

My guess is she feels a bit awkward and doesn't want to lead you on, but doesn't actually harbour any ill-will towards you. This is especially true if she is now dating someone else and doesn't want him thinking there's anything left between you two. 

[lost-in-love]

11 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Wiseman is correct. She made a poor decision to engage with you physically after the breakup, but she saw it as something casual and without any "meaning" while you saw it as a reconciliation. Because of this, she is being careful to not give you any encouragement at all in case you view a friendly attitude on her part as a sign she wants to reconcile.

And yes, it's appropriate to put an ex behind you after beginning a new relationship or dating situation unless you two share children (in which case it's necessary to communicate). 

You are not "garbage". But you are in her past and she must be in your past as well. The only healthy path is forward, not backward. 

Thanks for your opinion. I understand that if she is with a new guy we cannot be close but i still think one can acknowledge the other person's existence by a simple 'hello', nothing more. Maybe I exaggerate but I can't help thinking that she hates me and I don't understand why. We didn't break up in a bad way and she even said after the break-up that she is happy we had been together. 

[Batya33]

28 minutes ago, lost-in-love said:

Thanks for your opinion. I understand that if she is with a new guy we cannot be close but i still think one can acknowledge the other person's existence by a simple 'hello', nothing more. Maybe I exaggerate but I can't help thinking that she hates me and I don't understand why. We didn't break up in a bad way and she even said after the break-up that she is happy we had been together. 

That’s you. She’s worried if she does that you’ll interpret as more than common manners /courtesy 

[boltnrun]

Do you commonly think in terms of black and white? She either loves you and wants to be with you or she hates you? The truth is probably much less extreme.

[Capricorn3]

I agree with all the posters above.  I'm sorry you're hurting, but in the end this is probably for the best - a clean break and full NC.  She's moved on.  You need to do the same.

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, lost-in-love said:

Did I do something wrong or maybe I am just weak, or maybe she is rude and immature,

Sounds like a combo plate of her immature choice to mess with you sexually after the breakup along with your confession of feelings, which, in my own experience, would shut me down to being friends. Friends are equals without an agenda. When one person wants more, that's an imbalance that says, "I'll pretend to be your friend, but I'll be trying to manipulate you into matching my feelings..."

However, I'd back this up even further--I don't believe in trying to be 'friends' with an ex. It's messy, have you noticed? It's basically a decision to suffer a second breakup the moment either person takes up with a romantic partner, because there are not many self-respecting people who would involve themselves with anyone who is still involved with an ex beyond shared children.

So I would stop mentally drilling yourself down into a deeper hole by mischaracterizing yourself as garbage. Instead, I would recognize that most people are NOT our match. Very few people will own the ability to view us through the right lens. And that's the issue here. Just because your ex is seeking an extroverted personality to match her own, that doesn't speak of any deficiency in you. You are valid exactly as you are. You own a unique value that the right woman will appreciate and respect. This girl is not her. And she's probably angry at herself for misusing you sexually, yet given her immaturity, she's projecting that anger onto you instead of owning it for herself. That's where it belongs.

Head high.

[smackie9]

You need to pull her aside and ask her for yourself. Just tell her whatever truth she wants say, you will accept it and move on. 

[Andrina]

4 hours ago, lost-in-love said:

We only met with mutual friends 3-4 times and she was confusing because she would switch from being friendly to being distant or even mean. After seeing her I was feeling worthless.

 

Try not to give another person power to make you feel worthless. Just like, if you work in a big place, there'll always be some co-workers who think you're great, and perhaps others who could care less about you or even dislike you. Would any of them who have negative opinions about you make you question your worth? I hope not.

Basically, humans make mistakes and you each made them after the break up happened.  That's all done now, so your goal should be closure, and doing group activities where she's present with your mutual friends, if this is what happened, should be something you should avoid for the time being. Try getting together with your individual friends without the bigger group, and just let them know that for your own good, you're going to avoid being in her presence because it's causing you pain.

It really doesn't matter what her deal is. She's in your rear view mirror now, so let her get more and more distant until she disappears from view. Take care.

[Kwothe28]

Two things can be true at once. She is indeed rude. You didn’t do anything to warrant her not even saying Hi. 

On the other hand, I wouldn’t say “weak”. But would say that you are maybe too attached there. Meaning that you refused to detach after break up. And now hurting when she naturally detached herself and possibly found somebody else.

Also her saying how she wants “more confident guy” sounds like those women who preach how they want “a real man who would slam his fist against the table”. By the sound of that, you didn’t lost too much there. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

she wants “more confident guy” sounds like those women who preach how they want “a real man who would slam his fist against the table”

Could be and OP when you are feeling better consider whether you can take any truth from that -are you too much of a people pleaser - do you say yes too much when it's past what you really feel like doing -make sacrifices to the extent of feeling resentful or out of fear of losing the person?

[lost-in-love]

16 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Could be and OP when you are feeling better consider whether you can take any truth from that -are you too much of a people pleaser - do you say yes too much when it's past what you really feel like doing -make sacrifices to the extent of feeling resentful or out of fear of losing the person?

It was not me who wrote this comment but another user.

I am not very confident, that's true and I understand a woman might not like that. But then why after the break-up (which she wanted) she was still flirty and initiating physical contact - that's not very consistent either.

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, lost-in-love said:

It was not me who wrote this comment but another user.

I am not very confident, that's true and I understand a woman might not like that. But then why after the break-up (which she wanted) she was still flirty and initiating physical contact - that's not very consistent either.

But what's consistent is she was your ex - that is consistent. That means she doesn't want to date you. I've flirted with people I don't want to date.  People have flirted with me and not wanted to date me.  People have been touchy feely or hooked up with me in the past -and not wanted to date me.

People sometimes are turned off being around people who act in an insecure way -needy/too people pleasing (which often is called "too nice" but really means -too passive/too self-absorbed /worried about what others will think rather than truly wanting to give to another person from a position of confidence -not arrogance!)

But leave that for now - heal from this, move on and with fresh eyes consider whether you want to make changes.  No need to.  If you like interacting with people as you do now  -keep it going.  People who like that dynamic will be your people -not just related to dating.