Is exclusivity overrated?

[Sindy_0311]

I just wanted to open a new topic about exclusivity because I have heard many contradicting opinions about it lately. 
Do you think its a tool for guys or women to take control without having to commit? How is it that people get inconfortable in early stage when you tell them that you are dating others? 
A man I met online just asked me whether I was meeting/talking to other guys, I replied honestly and he told me by text that I was kinda “speed dating” to choose my better option. We have a first meet planned on Friday and he already brought that up… he pretends he feels uncomfortable about it…

Here in Switzerland people don’t speak much about the exclusivity concept, it’s either official or it’s not… that why I’m thinking that it isn’t worth anything at the end… 

What you guys think? 🙏

[Coily]

I don't see it as control, but as commitment by both parties. Now I think there are jerks who will use one sided exclusivity as a way to control others, but those people would exert control one way or the other.

Some people do get uncomfortable with dating someone and knowing that the other party is dating around, I know I would. It's an ignorance is bliss kind of thinking.

For me I view "exclusive" and "official" in dating as interchangeable.  Maybe it's dating stage 2A and 2B for some people. But it's a willing, maybe just different intensity. I think exclusivity is a pop-psych term that has replaced "official" for a lot of people these days.

As for me, I like exclusivity/official dating, it takes the guess work out of the dating game and lets me know that I'm investing my time and energy with someone who cares as much about me as I do them.

[Seraphim]

Personally I don’t want a partner that isn’t committed to me. 

[boltnrun]

I had someone I'd been involved with for nearly a year (and by "involved with" I mean spending every weekend together with sleepovers, traveling together and meeting each other's families) tell me that since we'd never had a "we're in a relationship" talk that meant we were NOT and never had been in a relationship. 

[Wiseman2]

Maybe as a general rule, exchanging body fluids is a good time to focus on one person? 

[Sindy_0311]

I also know of some people agreeing to date exclusively, but not making it official though. So what’s the point in making it exclusive? IMO It’s like having the boyfriend/girlfriend benefit without having to « commit » or introducing to family or share worlds… if you feel like you don’t want to share your SO with other people, why can’t you just label the relationship? 

[boltnrun]

My ex wanted me to commit to him but he didn't want to commit to me. To put it crudely, he wanted my body available for his exclusive use whenever he wanted sex or someone in his bed but he wanted to be free to have the use of other women's bodies and have them in his bed whenever he wanted. And this guy had the nerve to actually CRY when he thought I had been with another man. His explanation was "well, I know who I am" which was pure BS.

So I believe people who claim get don't like or need "labels" really just want to keep their options open.

And for the record, I see nothing wrong with multi-dating as long as all parties are aware and there has been no promise of exclusivity. 

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

A man I met online just asked me whether I was meeting/talking to other guys, I replied honestly and he told me by text that I was kinda “speed dating” to choose my better option.

Just to be clear, HE asked you whether you were talking to/meeting others, you replied honestly, which meant yes?  

And HE responded by telling you that you were "speed dating" to choose your best option?   

If so, lord.  Major turn off for any man to presume anything about why I choose to do something, include why I choose to multidate. 

I'm not a multidater, just saying.  That type of presumptuous I find arrogant. 

That said, if one chooses to multidate, best to not announce it's because you want to choose the "better option."  I realize you didn't do that, just offering my $.02 about it. 

Dating others is fine for some people, but some things (like saying you want to choose the best option) are better left unsaid, imo..  Even if true.  

 

 

[Sindy_0311]

13 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

HE asked you whether you were dating others, you replied honesty which meant yes?  

Yes i told him that I was speaking to other men. Because he asked. I then told him that if he wasn’t comfortable with it I understood and asked him if he still wanted us to meet on Friday. He said he wanted to. He told me multiple times how he is a monogamous type etc etc… but I didn’t ask him to be, so I presume I can meet other guys… 😂
 

[rainbowsandroses]

3 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Yes i told him that I was speaking to other men. Because he asked. I then told him that if he wasn’t comfortable with it I understood and asked him if he still wanted us to meet on Friday. He said he wanted to. He told me multiple times how he is a monogamous type etc etc… but didn’t ask him to be, so I presume I can meet other guys… 😂
 

What about him telling you that you were "speed dating to choose the better option"?

THAT is what I find presumptuous.

If he's curious about why you're multidating, that's fine, he can ask you, NOT presume.  

[Kwothe28]

I would say that, in a time where some are talking to 10 people and date 3, exclusivity is actually underrated.

There is a very famous psychological research about the choices(or lack there of) and hapiness. They splited people into 2 groups. One group was allowed to chose the painting and keep it without the choice to return it while the other was allowed to return it and take some other photo after 2 weeks. The goal was to see overall hapiness of both groups. One who was not allowed to return the painting, was concluded to be more happy with the choice they made. While the other one was less happy and almost in all cases decided to return the painting and choose another one. Choices maybe give you more freedom. But that doesnt mean you would be more happy. As choices also mean that you would think "the grass is greener on the other side". If you think there is always something better, your overall hapiness would not be there. Same with relationships. If there is always a choice between 3 people, would you be happy with the one you may choose? Or maybe think that you should have chosen another?

6 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I also know of some people agreeing to date exclusively, but not making it official though. So what’s the point in making it exclusive?

I dunno, but I would be thankful if the other person doesnt sleep with other people. If not for anything else, then purely for health reasons. Dunno why people do that though, when the whole point of exclusivity is the relationship and not just casual sex.

And that is another thing. Lots of different people and cultures have lots of different concepts about exclusivity. I never once had to define with my exes whether we are exclusive or not. You usually know at the start whether its a relationship or something casual where you see each other twice a month, be physical and everybody goes to their own way after. You maybe needed few dates to get to somewhere (needed 3 with my first girlfriend) but I never needed to define how we both should stop multi-dating and be in a relationship. Because we both knew that we were in one after 3rd date. 

[Sindy_0311]

14 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

like saying you want to choose the best option) are better left unsaid, imo..  Even if true. 

Hell I didn’t say that. I told him that if someday we happen to feel something special, or that we have a true connection, exclusivity will come naturally.  I didn’t mention the speed dating or better option thing. 

[rainbowsandroses]

5 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Hell I didn’t say that. I told him that if someday we happen to feel something special, or that we have a true connection, exclusivity will come naturally.  I didn’t mention the speed dating or better option thing. 

I know you didn't, I modified my post to reflect that.

HE did!  By telling you that you were "speed dating to choose the better option."  Which you posted in your original post. 

What am I missing here?  

[Sindy_0311]

Just now, rainbowsandroses said:

I know you didn't, I modified my post.

HE did!  By telling you that you were speed dating to choose the better option.

What am I missing here?  

Sorry I didn’t get it. Yes HE did.

And by the time I was posting here he was waiting for my response and double texted me something like: ‘well I’m going to bed, I presume you have many texts to reply to, just kidding… 😜’ 

This is so annoying. 

[Sindy_0311]

8 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

 One group was allowed to chose the painting and keep it without the choice to return it while the other was allowed to return it and take some other photo after 2 weeks.

This is also a famous sales technique. The less choice you give the client the happier they are with their purchase… but you cannot expect someone to choose the only one painting that is hanging on the white wall of the gallery. 

[rainbowsandroses]

59 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

well I’m going to bed, I presume you have many texts to reply to, just kidding… 😜’ 

My take is he wasn't kidding, but pretending he was so as to not come off like a jerk. 

Course he still comes off like a jerk! 

Sindy, jmo but I always found it best to date men on my same wavelength, and I his re dating styles.

Those who choose to multi-date and those who choose to date "one at a time" are going to conflict.  

There will be resentment and guilt-tripping just like he did here no matter how hard he tried to disguise it under "just kidding." 

If me and I was multi-dating, I'd next him. 

[Sindy_0311]

20 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Dunno why people do that though, when the whole point of exclusivity is the relationship and not just casual sex.

This is a good point! But can you apply this to OLD, because frankly there are a lot of avoidants on those apps… and you can’t really figure it out after one or two dates… 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I just wanted to open a new topic about exclusivity because I have heard many contradicting opinions about it lately. 
Do you think its a tool for guys or women to take control without having to commit? How is it that people get inconfortable in early stage when you tell them that you are dating others? 
A man I met online just asked me whether I was meeting/talking to other guys, I replied honestly and he told me by text that I was kinda “speed dating” to choose my better option. We have a first meet planned on Friday and he already brought that up… he pretends he feels uncomfortable about it…

Here in Switzerland people don’t speak much about the exclusivity concept, it’s either official or it’s not… that why I’m thinking that it isn’t worth anything at the end… 

What you guys think? 🙏

That question has little to do with good reasons for being exclusive.  The reasons I wanted exclusivity was so after we had gone out on a number of dates we could focus on each other and see if marriage was in our future.  I didn't have casual sex and I most often was exclusive for months before having intercourse with one exception where it was more tied to exclusivity (which I regret).  If someone asked me intrusive questions like that I saw it as a red flag and not a desire for exclusivity with me for the right reasons.

[Wiseman2]

53 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

 he  texted me something like: ‘well I’m going to bed, I presume you have many texts to reply to, just kidding… 😜’ This is so annoying. 

I'm not sure what this has to do with "exclusive", since you never met, but frankly, this guy seems like a clown. 

[Andrina]

55 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

And by the time I was posting here he was waiting for my response and double texted me something like: ‘well I’m going to bed, I presume you have many texts to reply to, just kidding… 😜’

Wow, if you haven't blocked him, as you should, and plan on meeting him, get ready for him to get down on one knee to propose fifteen minutes after you meet.

He's being snide, asking questions he shouldn't be asking right now, and trying to control you with criticism and guilt-tripping.

I did OLD for several years. Intelligent people know who they are speaking with is very likely speaking with others on the site. Totally normal. Totally ethical. It'd be plain dumb to cut off all communication with those you've been conversing with to zero in on one person whom you've never even met yet. There is absolutely no reason you should've answered him the way you did. What would I would've said? "You have to expect everyone on the site is speaking to others until two people actively dating decide it's working well and to hide profiles." Though I'd answer in that way, I'd take note of the red flag of his question.

One doesn't even need to ask that question at a later point. A person could just say, "I've really been enjoying your company, and don't really want to date anybody else. What would you think of us hiding our profiles to focus on each, and see if things continue to go well?"

I think commitment is a beautiful thing if it's done because a person finds comfort and satisfaction in monogamy. If you're speaking of people who are sending mixed messages while being supposedly "committed," then that's an unhealthy issue and not the ideal of what true commitment entails.

Anyway, that particular guy is a nightmare so I'd block him, ASAP. I know I refused first meets with scary prospects like this guy.

[rainbowsandroses]

16 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Wow, if you haven't blocked him, as you should, and plan on meeting him, get ready for him to get down on one knee to propose fifteen minutes after you meet.

He's being snide, asking questions he shouldn't be asking right now, and trying to control you with criticism and guilt-tripping.

I did OLD for several years. Intelligent people know who they are speaking with is very likely speaking with others on the site. Totally normal. Totally ethical. It'd be plain dumb to cut off all communication with those you've been conversing with to zero in on one person whom you've never even met yet. There is absolutely no reason you should've answered him the way you did. What would I would've said? "You have to expect everyone on the site is speaking to others until two people actively dating decide it's working well and to hide profiles." Though I'd answer in that way, I'd take note of the red flag of his question.

One doesn't even need to ask that question at a later point. A person could just say, "I've really been enjoying your company, and don't really want to date anybody else. What would you think of us hiding our profiles to focus on each, and see if things continue to go well?"

I think commitment is a beautiful thing if it's done because a person finds comfort and satisfaction in monogamy. If you're speaking of people who are sending mixed messages while being supposedly "committed," then that's an unhealthy issue and not the ideal of what true commitment entails.

Anyway, that particular guy is a nightmare so I'd block him, ASAP. I know I refused first meets with scary prospects like this guy.

Well said and 100% agree.

@Sindy_0311do you remember something I said in one of your previous threads?  I think it was your thread.

"Choose wisely from the getgo and avoid confusion, frustration, disappointment (IOW bullshyt) later."

This is one of those times. Huge red flag. 

[yogacat]

4 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

A man I met online just asked me whether I was meeting/talking to other guys, I replied honestly and he told me by text that I was kinda “speed dating” to choose my better option.

I think you need to be discerning about which applies in a given situation. 

Specifically, this is par for the course with online dating - you'll be jumping a range of hopes that each of the interested parties either wants to keep their options open, to date exclusively but not be in a committment with you, or to commit.  That's just the nature of the beast and shouldn't be seen just as a Machiavellian power play. Unless, of course, you've had negative experiences from the past in which case you may approach things with a degree of caution.

What purpose though is to tell someone when it comes to where else or what else is going on in your life - even prior to a first date. The preemptive defensive justification just sounds like you are anticipating something that's not yet happened and it gets off on the wrong foot to me.

The passive aggressive jabs on his end, yes, those are concerning and not a great start.  

I'm not saying to induce artificial constraints which may even harm the right match, but also, sometimes, some, let things happen naturally so you both clearly agree on being on the same page.

[Jaunty]

I didn't even realize that there was a difference between "exclusive" and "official."   In my dating experience, they were one and the same.  

[MrMan1983]

To be honest I don't think it's anyones business if you're multi dating or not till you're a few dates in and both starting to develop feelings, obviously it may come up in casual convo but for it to matter to someone at that point especially before you have met shouldn't really be a thing.

If they're going to choose someone else before you are close enough to be 'exclusive' that's their choice or loss (that's what I tell myself). I actually go into dating assuming women are multi dating even though it's not personally my thing, the amount of salami being thrown a womens way on the apps it's better mental preparation (for me) to assume she has various choices then just be your happy self, enjoy the dates/time you do have with good company and see where the chips fall. Perhaps I'm too laid back about it though and too far in the opposite direction.

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, Jaunty said:

I didn't even realize that there was a difference between "exclusive" and "official."   In my dating experience, they were one and the same.  

For me personally it's the same but we used the former much more and the latter more in a joking way.