Is exclusivity overrated?

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Well as I said, during the first dates, I do meet other men. But usually after 2 or 3 weeks, if I’m attracted to him, I have no issue focusing on him only. My inner deadline is 3 month, if after 3 month I don’t see any progression in the relationship I cut it… also cut it earlier if I sense that OP isn’t moving at the same pace, I adress it and if I see that he isn’t willing to progress or meet my needs, I walk away. 

Three months always seemed right to me too for a deadline. 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

This^ is my dating style as well except I typically know sooner than 2 or 3 weeks whether the mutual attraction is such that I (we) want to focus on each other.  I usually know after 1-2 dates, that's just me.

TBH with my recent ex, during the first 2-3 weeks, I knew I had no desire to date other men but I did not know for certain that he wasn't (dating other women).  He may have been!  We didn't discuss it.  

It actually wasn't that important to me because our attraction and connection was so strong and I trusted it, had faith in it and that's what I went with.

After a few months, we did discuss and he admitted he kind of knew I was "the one" (if there is such a thing) from our very first date.  Actually he said he felt something on the elevator even!   So did I.  

It happens that way sometimes.

Anyway, there are some men who will push for "exclusive" VERY early in, sometimes even before the first date if you met online, start talking about the future etc.

I DO NOT trust that type of talk and have nexted men who do it....  like I would have with the guy you have discussed in the this thread.

But if you're okay with it, then again meet him and play it out!

 

I most often knew very early on about mutual attraction. That’s easy What took longer is compatibility for the long term. For that I typically needed more time. Two different things. To me anyway. To me it didn’t mean we should stop dating others.  Especially not to me because mutual attraction with a new person was way too flimsy a basis to forego opportunities to meet marriage minded men who might be a good match for me. 

[rainbowsandroses]

12 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I most often knew very early on about mutual attraction. That’s easy What took longer is compatibility for the long term. For that I typically needed more time. Two different things. To me anyway. To me it didn’t mean we should stop dating others.  Especially not to me because mutual attraction with a new person was way too flimsy a basis to forego opportunities to meet marriage minded men who might be a good match for me. 

That's fine Bayta, if that worked for you, that's awesome.  For me, I had no problem focusing on just him (or any man) for awhile and if it turned out we were not compatible, I stop dating him and begin exploring my other options, of which there were plenty!

I never worried about FOMO, I don't even know what that means.  Fear of missing out on what exactly?  A better man?  A man more compatible?

Like I said I choose to focus on the ONE man with whom there is a mutual attraction, if after a day, a week, a month, three months, a year, it turns out we are incompatible, I next him.

I never had any problem moving on, just like with my recent ex.  I was incredibly sad when I ended it, but my outlook is... when one door closes, another opens.

Different strokes.

[boltnrun]

What happened with the guy who I had a long term casual "thing" with is, the clouds parted, the moon shone, dramatic music played (figuratively, of course) the second we met. We literally both froze and stared at one another. And it was like everyone and everything else just ceased to exist for a moment. I remember clearly when and where I met him and exactly what he was doing when we met. Instant attraction. And...he was undeniably unsuitable for me. Yes, there was a strong physical and psychic connection. But homeboy is a hot mess and totally wrong for me relationship-wise. And I knew it. 

That's why I don't put much stock in instant attraction being an indicator of relationship success or even compatibility. If it was, wouldn't those instant attraction relationships all work out? The breakups happened for a reason despite the strong attraction. 

Once the dust settles and some time goes on I feel I have a much better gauge on whether or not someone is right for me. I can't determine that in a week or two. 

[Sindy_0311]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I most often knew very early on about mutual attraction. That’s easy What took longer is compatibility for the long term. For that I typically needed more time. Two different things. To me anyway. 

I also know very early on whether I like someone, see potential or not, i do connect very fast with people that have the same language than me. But as you said, compatibility is something that takes more time to figure out. Maybe 3 month also lol 

[Sindy_0311]

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I never worried about FOMO, I don't even know what that means.

To me it’s more like you might miss the right guy while entertaining someone that is not right for you, in terms of compatibility. While you focus on one person, for let’s say 2 or 3 month, you are off the market and not available for the right guy. This how I define it for me… 

[Batya33]

Just now, rainbowsandroses said:

That's fine Bayta, if that worked for you, that's awesome.  For me, I had no problem focusing on just him (or any man) for awhile and if it turned out we were not compatible, I end the relationship and begin exploring my other options, of which there were plenty!

I never worried about FOMO, I don't even know what that means.  Fear of missing out on what exactly?  A better man?  A man more compatible?

Like I said I choose to focus on the ONE man with whom there is a mutual attraction, if after a day, a week, a month, three months, a year, it turns out we are incompatible, I next him.

I never had any problem moving on, just like with my recent ex.  I was incredibly sad when I ended it, but my outlook is... when one door closes, another opens.

Different strokes.

I knew given what I wanted and timing forgoing opportunities for someone I didn’t know well at all was far too risky to find someone to marry who was right for me before it was too late to try to conceive a baby. I couldn’t rely on dreams or hopes or abstract notions. For sure I had far less control over finding the right husband than I did with my professional goals - and there were no guarantees - but I gave it my best shot by being proactive , being out there as much as possible in so many ways and telling everyone I knew to set me up with suitable men. I was not desperate. I would not settle. And in the rare very temporary times I felt or came across as desperate I rectified that asap and went back out there.  If I’d not had marriage and family as my goals I would have had a different approach.
I wouldn’t recommend my particular approach to anyone else - too many individual variables but thank heavens I did what I did. I would not be married now to the right person or a mom if I hadn’t. 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

What happened with the guy who I had a long term casual "thing" with is, the clouds parted, the moon shone, dramatic music played (figuratively, of course) the second we met. We literally both froze and stared at one another. And it was like everyone and everything else just ceased to exist for a moment. I remember clearly when and where I met him and exactly what he was doing when we met. Instant attraction. And...he was undeniably unsuitable for me. Yes, there was a strong physical and psychic connection. But homeboy is a hot mess and totally wrong for me relationship-wise. And I knew it. 

That's why I don't put much stock in instant attraction being an indicator of relationship success or even compatibility. If it was, wouldn't those instant attraction relationships all work out? The breakups happened for a reason despite the strong attraction. 

Once the dust settles and some time goes on I feel I have a much better gauge on whether or not someone is right for me. I can't determine that in a week or two. 

I’ve had that experience too. Including with my future husband. As well as men who were totally wrong for me for a LTR. 

[rainbowsandroses]

11 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

To me it’s more like you might miss the right guy while entertaining someone that is not right for you, in terms of compatibility.

Fair enough, but if I may ask, why are you dating (entertaining) a man with whom you feel or suspect might be incompatible?  Or you suspect isn't right for you?

Once I determined a man wasn't right for me or we are incompatible, it's a straight NEXT!  And it's then I begin exploring my other options.

Again, different strokes....

 

 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

To me it’s more like you might miss the right guy while entertaining someone that is not right for you, in terms of compatibility. While you focus on one person, for let’s say 2 or 3 month, you are off the market and not available for the right guy. This how I define it for me… 

For me I did not know within less than 2 months if we were compatible for the long term. Often I knew that we definitely were not particularly because my list of dealbreakers included very factual and practical things. 

[Sindy_0311]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Fair enough, but if I may ask, why are you dating a man with whom you feel or suspect might incompatible?  Or you suspect isn't right for you?

Once I determined a man wasn't right for me or we are incompatible, it's a straight NEXT!  And it's then begin exploring my other options.

 

 

I don’t know if we are incompatible yet… he showed something strange. He is somehow very forthcoming. And I know this might be a red flag. But we don’t know each other yet, so I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt because I do enjoy his personality and the way we exchange over text. He is very respectful and interesting. He’s a Leo, and I know for sure that Leo’s are more pushy when they have interest in  someone. You know I also have my flaws, I’m kinda distant with men, I don’t embrace the dating process like some others would… Maybe he was just bothered by the fact that I’m not that into it from the start. Idk… i don’t cut people off just because of one text… but sure, if he shows possessive behavior after we met, I won’t hesitate to cut him off. 

[rainbowsandroses]

Just one more question Sindy... if you discovered a man you were attracted to and dating had this same mindset as you - FOMO - exploring HIS options until such time he knew you were compatible etc, would you be okay with that?

 

 

 

 

 

[Sindy_0311]

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Just one more question Sindy... if you discovered a man you were attracted to and dating had this same mindset as you - FOMO - exploring HIS options until such time he knew you were compatible etc, would you be okay with that?

 

 

 

 

 

Hell no 😂

[Sindy_0311]

At least not after a few dates… 

[rainbowsandroses]

14 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I don’t know if we are incompatible yet… he showed something strange. He is somehow very forthcoming. And I know this might be a red flag. But we don’t know each other yet, so I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt because I do enjoy his personality and the way we exchange over text. He is very respectful and interesting. He’s a Leo, and I know for sure that Leo’s are more pushy when they have interest in  someone. You know I also have my flaws, I’m kinda distant with men, I don’t embrace the dating process like some others would… Maybe he was just bothered by the fact that I’m not that into it from the start. Idk… i don’t cut people off just because of one text… but sure, if he shows possessive behavior after we met, I won’t hesitate to cut him off. 

I wasn't really talking about him, you have not even met him yet.  I was referring to men you were dating, say for 2-3 weeks who you felt were incompatible.

However you clarified to say you DON'T know yet whether they are compatible so in the mean time, you will explore other options.

It's not my style but I actually think is fair.

For me personally, I can't because once I am really attracted to a man ("attracted to" meaning beyond just the physical), I cannot even imagine going out with, kissing and touching another man.  Not to mention having to fight off sexual advances.

Yuck, no thank you, not for me...😀

It's "one at a time" for me but everyone has their own style and way of doing things to get to the SAME place (i.e. a committed RL).

Keep us posted!

 

 

[Sindy_0311]

16 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

For me I can't because once I am really attracted to a man, I can even imagine going with with, kissing, touching another man.  Not to mention having to fight off sexual advances

Me neither. My attraction towards a man usually grows after a few dates, let’s say 2 or 3… after the 3rd date I do know whether I want to meet other men or not… the thing is my dating agenda is not easy to combine with my responsibilities as a mom… this might be the reason why I have this FOMO… I don’t have plenty of time on my hands to date men, I’m 40 now, I really wish I find my partner, and i’m afraid to lose my time one guys that have no genuine intentions toward me.

edit: the guys I’m dating all have kids (because its one of my criteria) and also have their schedule… 

[yogacat]

I'm just wondering why your 'dating rules' are so rigid. It's like, if X then Y then Z then A then B then C then D... It doesn't really allow for any spontaneity or individuality. Relationships are supposed to be about two people coming together and creating their own unique dynamic, not following a strict set of rules.

[rainbowsandroses]

On 2/26/2024 at 11:00 AM, Sindy_0311 said:

We have a first meet planned on Friday

Hi Sindy, it must be around 10:30 pm in Switzerland right now?  Just wondering, how did your meet go?  Did you like him in person?

[Sindy_0311]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Hi Sindy, it must be around 10:30 pm in Switzerland right now?  Just wondering, how did your meet go?  Did you like him in person?

Hey, just came home… it’s around 23:30… it was a weird “date”… I don’t know yet what to think about it… we talked a lot, he talked a lot… said he wanted to see me again. We kissed at the end but really I need a good night sleep and think about it tomorrow with fresh mindset… thank you for asking 😁

[Sindy_0311]

Still, there is one thing he said that I found interesting to share here. He said that usually the girls he was talking to, after matching on the OLD apps were always bombarding him with texts, all day long, and that the fact that I don’t text much was triggering him (maybe in a good way idk.) At some point he was hoping or expecting more communication and this lack made him think that I wasn’t that interested in meeting him like the others were… so I don’t really know how other women operate, but I might be a bit distant comparing to others… 

The same with the last dude I dropped two weeks ago, he accused me of never reaching out to him or never ask him out… idk if I’m doing it wrong after all… something to consider… 

[Batya33]

Why is this a conversation topic for a first meet for people deciding whether to date? Doesn't he want to know about what you like to do for fun, if you enjoy traveling, your musical tastes, about your work or whatever?

[Sindy_0311]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why is this a conversation topic for a first meet for people deciding whether to date? Doesn't he want to know about what you like to do for fun, if you enjoy traveling, your musical tastes, about your work or whatever?

100% agree. I sense that this guy is just wanting some validation or in pursuit of of a romance, no matter who is sitting next to him… 

[yogacat]

Weird first date chatter… I would try to stay away from swapping online dating stories on a first date. It feels like those conversations are a combination of a fox guarding the henhouse and 2 people comparing their orthodoxies. 

[boltnrun]

Hm, comparing you to other women and insinuating you come up short or are lacking in some way. On the first date.

I would be turned off. 

[Wiseman2]

It's fine to text at whatever pace you're used to. If someone wants to text tether you or is so bored and needy they need banter all day, it's a good sign you're not compatible.