Is exclusivity overrated?

[yogacat]

15 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

He told me multiple times how he is a monogamous type etc etc… but I didn’t ask him to be, so I presume I can meet other guys… 😂

If multi-dating works for you then 100% do it. 

But you may also find that if you're focusing on one person you can discern a lot better certain character traits that may not align with your values/identity/views, etc. and you can move on to the next as opposed to seeing several men which takes away your ability to identify those traits or red flag behaviours due to the quantity of people you're dating. 

When we date more than one person at once, we’re inevitably splitting our attention and our emotions.

Again, just if you're finding success and happiness "choice shopping". 

You just never know. 

One thing is for sure if you are multi dating it should push you to be a better person in mind/body/spirit everyday. A healthy you will always attract a healthy person. 

If you enjoy dating multiple people at once, then go for it.

Some people thrive on multi-dating, while others prefer to focus on one person at a time. Whichever approach works best for you, just make sure to stay true to yourself and what makes you happy. 

[Sindy_0311]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

If you enjoy dating multiple people at once, then go for it.

in fact I usually don't date multiple people. I do it in the beginning when I don't know nothing about a guy or if I'm not sure about my attraction towards him. but once I become attracted to him and see some kind of potential, I drop the "others" because Im not willing to engage with them, but not because I've been asked to be exclusive... 

Also heard that guys consider woman who are mutlidating like *** teaser or playing the fields, its very pejorative. I know a lot of them who don't like it at all and couldn't even consider  dating such women. 

The question was more about this concept of exclusivity once you are starting to see someone more regularly.

I read this somewhere about men: "Unless he makes you his girlfriend, you don't owe him any loyalty... " and I kinda agree with it... Why would he want you as a girlfriend if he already gets all the benefits and knows that you're not going anywhere because you accepted to be exclusive... In my opinion it should be either: 

A: We are dating and also free to engage with other people if we want to. 

B: We are in an official relationship and loyal to each other. 

There is no space for the in-between (understand exclusivity)... 

[Sindy_0311]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

For me personally it's the same but we used the former much more and the latter more in a joking way.

Do you mean that being exclusive is the same as being "official" girlfriend/boyfriend?

[catfeeder]

The guy sounds insecure and hyper possessive and controlling ALREADY. Imagine the slings and arrows you’ll continue to hear from him after meeting.

 I would pass. He’s already accusatory of your behavior and motives before you’ve even met, and he already has you questioning … what, exactly?

I’ve had it said to me, “I’m not questioning how you may choose to date, just letting you know that I’m a one-person-at-a-time dater. I find that it makes dating easier for me to get to know someone, but I don’t expect it of anyone else.” Sure, do I view that as fishing for me to say the same? Yes. Am I willing to volunteer that position? No, not unless I actually like that person enough to knock out all other options AND not until I want to become sexual with him.

But before I’m just meeting someone? That’s premature and would put me off. Yes, quick meets are a form of speed dating, or what I like to call ‘screening’. That’s a level playing field for everyone to call their own shots about whoever they may want to see again. And without a need to answer for it to some stranger.

Head high!

[Sindy_0311]

5 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

The guy sounds insecure and hyper possessive and controlling ALREADY. Imagine the slings and arrows you’ll continue to hear from him after meeting.

 I would pass.

I know and I'm aware that this one is showing controlling behavior. I'm not trying to make this thread about him, because its not, its just an exemple. I'm also talking with others. but this guy I know him by far, he lived in my city when I was younger and used to go out at the same places, bars, his groups of friends knew my group of friends at that time. We already saw each other without really engaging. I don't think he is a bad person maybe he was feeling to familiar... so I guess I will go on that "date" because im curious about seeing him again. We have been talking for a week now and he seems really transparent about who he is, where he works, shared his social media, and he is very polite (except for that remark)...Maybe this will just turn into a "friendship" as I suppose it will...  

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Do you mean that being exclusive is the same as being "official" girlfriend/boyfriend?

To me it did, if there had been any kind of mutual agreement about it.

Beyond that, when I was dating, if I was feeling something towards the other person, I would not meet or see anyone else.  This was not by agreeing to be "exclusive" or "official," it was because that's how I roll.   If I'm interested in someone I would naturally focus on getting to know them. It was not about loyalty.   What they were doing was not, at that stage, necessarily of interest to me.  

[Coily]

Just to ask the question: has this guy said that you cannot date others explicitly? or he just expressed that he is not a fan of it?

I ask that simply as his expression of discomfort doesn't come across as controlling, just brutally honest boundary that he has for himself. I guess I'm leery of conclusion jumping when you have not met this guy face to face.

 

[catfeeder]

14 minutes ago, Coily said:

I ask that simply as his expression of discomfort doesn't come across as controlling, just brutally honest boundary that he has for himself. I guess I'm leery of conclusion jumping when you have not met this guy face to face.

I agree that maybe the question itself wasn’t controlling, but rather uncomfortably premature. However, combined with that snide sideswipe when she was ending the conversation? That was not-so-passively aggressive, and that IS controlling behavior.

[Sindy_0311]

20 minutes ago, Coily said:

Just to ask the question: has this guy said that you cannot date others explicitly? or he just expressed that he is not a fan of it?

For some clarity, here are his texts:

-I wanted to ask you something, these last days have you continued to chat with other men? It's out of curiosity

- Ah OK. Not being someone who runs several hares at once, I had put the rest on hold..but I understand

- I understand but I'm not like that... if I follow you that means you're going to meet all of us and make a choice. It's a kind of speed dating...I think it spoils the magic of the meeting, even if it's only virtual.

At the last one: 

- Okay, I'll leave you for tonight. You probably have lots of messages to answer 😜... I am teasing you

Have a goog night.  Talk to you tomorrow 🌛

(google translate) 

[Sindy_0311]

5 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

she was ending the conversation? That was not-so-passively aggressive, and that IS controlling behavior.

I wasn’t ending the conversation, I just took sometime to answer to one of his texts. Maybe he got bothered that I m a slow texter 😁

[Coily]

3 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

For some clarity, here are his texts:

-I wanted to ask you something, these last days have you continued to chat with other men? It's out of curiosity

- Ah OK. Not being someone who runs several hares at once, I had put the rest on hold..but I understand

- I understand but I'm not like that... if I follow you that means you're going to meet all of us and make a choice. It's a kind of speed dating...I think it spoils the magic of the meeting, even if it's only virtual.

At the last one: 

- Okay, I'll leave you for tonight. You probably have lots of messages to answer 😜... I am teasing you

Have a goog night.  Talk to you tomorrow 🌛

(google translate) 

Thanks for the context! Definitely a bad joke on his part there at the end, I think it really depends on his personality, which you are still getting to know. Ultimately it's up to how you feel about him in the entirety of your communications.

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I usually don't date multiple people. I do it in the beginning when I don't know nothing about a guy or if I'm not sure about my attraction towards him...

^^I do the same Sindy, I meet/date different men (usually once or twice tops), if there is no attraction, I stop dating him.

I do this until I meet a man with whom there is a mutual spark/click/attraction and we begin dating to see where it will lead, if anywhere!

May last a week, a month, three months (as it did with my recent ex), a year who knows? 

Honestly when I'm so attracted to a man, attracted meaning beyond the superficial (looks, money, status), I cannot even imagine wanting to spend my time with another random man, kissing him, or even just touching him (i.e holding hands).

All I'd be thinking about is the man I'm attracted to (and him to me as again it's a mutual experience) so what's the point?!

With this guy Sindy, the issue for me is that you've never even met!  How could he possibly know that he wants to be "monogamous" or "exclusive" with you before ever having met you?  

His comments although disgused under "just kidding/teasing", nevermind being a red flag imo, would be a huge turn OFF for me, and that would be that. 

I've come to learn that snide/sarcastic remarks meant to be "jokes" or "just kidding" are not jokes at all, they are simply disguised as jokes as a sort of cover for their true thoughts and feelings. 

Anyway, again this would turn me off, BUT you're not me and if his comments don't turn you off, then meet him and see how you feel then, that's my advice. 

Lastly, I don't think anyone "owes" anyone exclusivity or loyalty, it's not a reward or something you "give" your partner.

It's what two people decide together, a mutual decision based on the connection and feelings you've developed for each other up to that point. 

JMO you do you!  Enjoy and keep us posted! 

 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Do you mean that being exclusive is the same as being "official" girlfriend/boyfriend?

No. I mean that I didn't use  the term "official" - if I did it was in an offhand way.

[Sindy_0311]

6 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Honestly when I'm so attracted to a man, attracted meaning beyond the superficial (looks, money, status), I cannot even imagine wanting to spend my time with another random man, kissing him, or even just touching him. 

the same for me... It wasn't difficult being exclusive with the last guy because I didn't want to meet anyone else. BUT, when it doesn't work out I feel like I have lost my time... I have a little FOMO syndrome 😅

7 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

May last a week, a month, three months (as it did with my recent ex)

Are you talking about the last one? what happened?

8 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Anyway, again this would turn me off, BUT you're not me and if his comments don't turn you off, then meet him and see how you feel then, that's my advice. 

He seems very similar to my ex husband, he is Spanish too, has a soon, has his own business, he is 47 (way older than me) he seems balanced and is very interesting, I do enjoy our conversations and I think he is pretty attractive for being older than me. So yes I will meet him on Friday (not forgetting about this detail) and we will see... 

[Sindy_0311]

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

To me it did, if there had been any kind of mutual agreement about it.

 

You mean that being exclusive is the same as being girlfriend/boyfriend? 

This is where there is much of misunderstanding in my opinion.

For some, being exclusive means just focus on the person you are dating to see whether there is potential for something serious or official like girlfriend/boyfriend. (no need to introduce the SO to family or bring her/him around friends or social gathering... )

And for others, being exclusive means being yet boyfriend/girlfriend, and the presenting to the family is just a question of time if not done yet... 

This is why I think it's a dangerous concept because it can lead to misunderstanding... there are  people dating exclusively without real intention of making it official. Just because you are exclusive, its doesn't mean you are someones girlfriend or boyfriend. 

 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Sindy_0311 said:

You mean that being exclusive is the same as being girlfriend/boyfriend? 

This is where there is much of understanding in my opinion.

For some, being exclusive means just focus on the person you are dating to see whether there is potential for something serious or official like girlfriend/boyfriend. (no need to introduce the SO to family or bring her/him around friends or social gathering... )

And for others, being exclusive means being yet boyfriend/girlfriend, and the presenting to the family is just a question of time if not done yet... 

This is why I think it's a dangerous concept because it can lead to misunderstanding... there are  people dating exclusively without real intention of making it official. Just because you are exclusive, its doesn't mean you are someones girlfriend or boyfriend. 

 

For me it always was exactly the same but funny enough the one jerk I was into where I made the mistake of continuing to date him after he was pushy about sex didn't like when we did become exclusive and I introduced him to a friend we ran into as my boyfriend.  Once we were exclusive we were bf/gf.

[Sindy_0311]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

didn't like when we did become exclusive and I introduced him to a friend we ran into as my boyfriend

If a man doesn't properly call you his girlfriend, you better not introduce him as your boyfriend.😁

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Sindy_0311 said:

If a man doesn't properly call you his girlfriend, you better not introduce him as your boyfriend.😁

Well no -we'd agreed to be exclusive.  That is why. 

[yogacat]

4 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

in fact I usually don't date multiple people. I do it in the beginning when I don't know nothing about a guy or if I'm not sure about my attraction towards him. but once I become attracted to him and see some kind of potential, I drop the "others" because Im not willing to engage with them, but not because I've been asked to be exclusive... 

Also heard that guys consider woman who are mutlidating like *** teaser or playing the fields, its very pejorative. I know a lot of them who don't like it at all and couldn't even consider  dating such women. 

The question was more about this concept of exclusivity once you are starting to see someone more regularly.

I read this somewhere about men: "Unless he makes you his girlfriend, you don't owe him any loyalty... " and I kinda agree with it... Why would he want you as a girlfriend if he already gets all the benefits and knows that you're not going anywhere because you accepted to be exclusive... In my opinion it should be either: 

A: We are dating and also free to engage with other people if we want to. 

B: We are in an official relationship and loyal to each other. 

There is no space for the in-between (understand exclusivity)... 

Well, my reaction may be stronger than most -- but someone saying they're meeting/talking to other people before a first date I find a complete turnoff from the start.

I'm sure the intention is just to be forthcoming, but the message unwittingly sent is you want some sort of form of assurance he wants you exclusively. 

Talking about other dates is a way of putting someone in their place in the sense that they are establishing control of defining the relationship.

Him prodding for details, is also a lack of respect for boundaries and privacy. Albeit, that energy was already put out there by talking about other guys.

In response to your other comments about exclusivity, yes you could view it as either dating or in a relationship, however, for me I have a strong distaste for people using the grey area as a means of control to avoid being vulnerable. This falls in line with ambiguous communication, passive aggression and what I consider iffy boundaries.

I come from an era where exclusivity was not even a concept discussion. To me exclusive dating is avoiding commitment while still reaping all the benefits if a relationship minus the label. Then again, it all comes down to individual preferences and communication between two people. As long as both parties are on the same page and comfortable with the gray area, it shouldn't be a problem. But when it becomes a source of insecurity or mistrust, that's when it becomes an issue.

I don't think exclusivity is a sign of control, but I can see how some people might view it that way or leverage it as a means of control. To which I would say, if that's someone's views towards the person he/she is dating, they shouldn't be dating them at all.

It's simply a choice to focus on one person and see where things can go without being distracted by other potential suitors. It's also a way to build trust and intimacy with someone without worrying if they're talking to multiple people at the same time. I can understand why some might view it negatively, but as long as it's a mutual decision, and not a forced one, I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

Well, my reaction may be stronger than most -- but someone saying they're meeting/talking to other people before a first date I find a complete turnoff from the start.

I'm sure the intention is just to be forthcoming, but the message unwittingly sent is you want some sort of form of assurance he wants you exclusively. 

Talking about other dates is a way of putting someone in their place in the sense that they are establishing control of defining the relationship.

Him prodding for details, is also a lack of respect for boundaries and privacy. Albeit, that energy was already put out there by talking about other guys.

In response to your other comments about exclusivity, yes you could view it as either dating or in a relationship, however, for me I have a strong distaste for people using the grey area as a means of control to avoid being vulnerable. This falls in line with ambiguous communication, passive aggression and what I consider iffy boundaries.

I come from an era where exclusivity was not even a concept discussion. To me exclusive dating is avoiding commitment while still reaping all the benefits if a relationship minus the label. Then again, it all comes down to individual preferences and communication between two people. As long as both parties are on the same page and comfortable with the gray area, it shouldn't be a problem. But when it becomes a source of insecurity or mistrust, that's when it becomes an issue.

I don't think exclusivity is a sign of control, but I can see how some people might view it that way or leverage it as a means of control. To which I would say, if that's someone's views towards the person he/she is dating, they shouldn't be dating them at all.

It's simply a choice to focus on one person and see where things can go without being distracted by other potential suitors. It's also a way to build trust and intimacy with someone without worrying if they're talking to multiple people at the same time. I can understand why some might view it negatively, but as long as it's a mutual decision, and not a forced one, I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing.

I never spoke about that topic ever and never asked - it is tacky and rude IMO. My purpose in multi-dating was because I wanted marriage and once I was past 34 woah was that bio clock ticking so foregoing opportunities to meet eligible men was not gonna happen early on.  Obviously given my age and desire for a family many men in my age group started to prefer younger women -understandably - because of baby making potential.  I typically was exclusive after about 6-8 weeks of dating.  With rare exception we both assumed we were keeping options open and it never came up as a question or topic.  It came up in one instance for me -after two months of dating he left my apartment and logged in the dating site so I asked him what his intentions were (yes after logging in and updating my profile!). Because I didn't have sex prior to exclusivity I didn't need to ask for health reasons either.

[yogacat]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I never spoke about that topic ever and never asked - it is tacky and rude IMO. My purpose in multi-dating was because I wanted marriage and once I was past 34 woah was that bio clock ticking so foregoing opportunities to meet eligible men was not gonna happen early on.  Obviously given my age and desire for a family many men in my age group started to prefer younger women -understandably - because of baby making potential.  I typically was exclusive after about 6-8 weeks of dating.  With rare exception we both assumed we were keeping options open and it never came up as a question or topic.  It came up in one instance for me -after two months of dating he left my apartment and logged in the dating site so I asked him what his intentions were (yes after logging in and updating my profile!). Because I didn't have sex prior to exclusivity I didn't need to ask for health reasons either.

Well, I think that's a bit different because everyone has their own preferences and interests.

In your case, it seems like you were looking for someone to settle down with and have a family so naturally you were more focused on finding that right person.

I just take it from the OP that she's afraid of a man using the "lets be exclusive" as a guise for exclusivity without commitment (which, of course, is not real exclusivity) and so she'd have all her eggs in one basket while still not getting the benefits/promise of a fulfilling relationship while he's no huge investment or expectations commitments he's about to enter. 

I just don't understand: if somebody is truly into you, it's not going to crush them to stop dating other people and move forward in seeing you for a committed relationship. But, arrogance and ego so often get in the way. It's like, do you want a relationship or no?  Yes, relationships can be scary and overwhelming at certain times, but that's part of the experience. You have to go all in- risk it, for the potential of a real union (with someone that you're really into and attracted to no less). 

I just don't entertain these topics anymore (although I'm sure many will try to obtusely). If somebody is actually worth more than me, they'll let their words & actions say it. That's when I know to give mine.

People that're truly into you will make it known and respect that feeling by not emotionally/mentally cheating on the new (true) relationship they're trying to develop with you. Somebody that doesn't want to do that or skirt by it, isn't the right person to be with in the end- no matter what lame excuses they make. 

[Batya33]

Yes. It would have been too risky for me for practical purposes. Of course everyone is different. I never agreed to exclusively date someone who seemed to have a controlling personality.  I don’t think healthy people want exclusivity because of a desire to control. 

[catfeeder]

On 2/27/2024 at 9:41 AM, Sindy_0311 said:

In my opinion it should be either: 

A: We are dating and also free to engage with other people if we want to. 

B: We are in an official relationship and loyal to each other. 

There is no space for the in-between (understand exclusivity)... 

I guess the in-between works for those who want to be sexual early--prior to gauging whether they want a full commitment. So it's an agreement to have 'safer' sex exclusively with one person, regardless of whether they may end up committing to a future with them.

I think I agree with you, that sex prior to knowing where I will stand with someone and where I'll WANT to stand with them is too premature for me. In my case, it's because I bond when I'm sexual. So it's important for me to know someone well enough to be sure that I would WANT to bond with him.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

I guess the in-between works for those who want to be sexual early--prior to gauging whether they want a full commitment. So it's an agreement to have 'safer' sex exclusively with one person, regardless of whether they may end up committing to a future with them.

I think I agree with you, that sex prior to knowing where I will stand with someone and where I'll WANT to stand with them is too premature for me. In my case, it's because I bond when I'm sexual. So it's important for me to know someone well enough to be sure that I would WANT to bond with him.

I refer to that as sexual monogamy since the purpose is health etc. I mean totally fine to call it whatever. I never did that because for me sex wasn’t happening prior to a serious commitment and being in love. 

[LotusBlack]

On 2/27/2024 at 5:52 AM, boltnrun said:

I had someone I'd been involved with for nearly a year (and by "involved with" I mean spending every weekend together with sleepovers, traveling together and meeting each other's families) tell me that since we'd never had a "we're in a relationship" talk that meant we were NOT and never had been in a relationship. 

Such a cop out. Although it is important to have clarity in such a situation by discussing it, the implication was obvious and the nature of your relationship clear, if unspoken. 

It’s offensive and bs when a partner uses semantics or technicalities to gaslight their way through their immorality, particularly when they are aware of what the other party likely is under the impression of.