He didn't cheat but I feel like he did

[Nope1991]

I 32 year old female am dating 29 year old male.Here's a little background ,I am divorced with two children. I was previously married to a narcissist. This is not a label I throw out freely. He is a true narcissist and is diagnosed now. So I have trust issues but, I am working on myself with the help if a therapist and medication. 

My now boyfriend was someone I was hooking up with ,but I genuinely fell in love with him. He is sexy, funny, nerdy, we have a ton in common,he's really great with my kids.

He told me early on he didn't want a relationship because he was in love with his best friend. Also his bestfroemd is part of his whole primed group and they have all been friends since childhood. So its not just her it's the cohesive group of friends. I didn't care because we were not dating, again we were only hooking up. He never wanted kids or a real relationship. 

I would come over and hang out, we did everything like we were dating, but he would still invite the "best friend" over to watch movies together or go our and get drunk alone. He would do thongs like, we would make plans and he would call last minute because she would male plans. He would ditch me. I would be halfway there. It was a 35 minute drive. He would call me drunk and ask me to pick him up because she hurt him emotionally. This kind pseudo- relationship bull*** between them happened. I was understanding and then I started to fall in love with him. I started to get angry and feel jealous, then he told me that her and him had an affair behind her husband's back. It. He said it wasn't sexual, but they planned on leaving and being together. They told each other they loved the other. The husband doesnt know and neither do the friends. This did not help. They hayed me because they fwlt i was isolating him because i was a crazy jelouse ***, im not sure that im not.We went on in this vicious cycle of her hurting him and me picking up the pieces. Until one day he was going camping with everyone and he made plans to see me and canceled to be with her. I felt guilty and decided I was over reacting so I decided to try to go out and meet her and the friends around halloween. He treated me like an acquaintance at best. She didn't say anything nice except I didn't know you were dating this.must be you not a girlfriend, girlfriend.He ignored me and got angry she wasnt paying attention to him. I broke up with him. We got back together and the cycle never stopped he would text her about our relationship and he would seek advise from her. Around christmas I found a cat ring hidden in his sock drawer, I was so excited onlynto find out it was for her. I love cats and not it's kind of tainted with that hurt.i also did something shady and went through his phone and found snaps sayinf she loved his, and a message on insta saying she felt like she lost a piece of herself because he was gone. So, I planned on leaving l, but I got pregnant, and before you ask, yes I had Mirena as birth control. I told him I was done with him and her, he needed to delete her and remover her from social media. He was furious but did finally after fighting with me I screamed and threw thing like a child. I told him I hated him.and was not kind.

 . His reasoning was he would lose his whole friend group. Reminder he never wanted kids. I told him I could go home and raise her and he could tell everyone I cheated or whay ever he wanted and I would back him up. I already had two beautiful babies and would be blessed to have one more. He said no and moved in. I felt confused and he made me feel awful because he couldn't be with his friends anymore because they went as a group.and she would be there.More than once he lied to me and went and hung out with her and the group. The final one i told him it was her or me. I was done.I was pregnant and so lost. We are now togather.and he has removed her and we are actually happy. He loves my kids and is a great dad to our 4 month old daughter, he is kid and considerate, we have so many hobbies we do togather, and i do love him.It has been almost a year of happiness. I now have postpartum and not able to medicate due to breastfeeding, so im not syable all the time. He brought up feeling trapped because he can't go do things with his friends and all I want to do is leave him. Am I the A-hole?

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Nope1991 said:

I got pregnant. He  moved in..More than once he lied to me and went and hung out with her and the group.  We are now togather.and he has removed her and we are actually happy. He loves my kids and is a great dad to our 4 month old daughter, He brought up feeling trapped because he can't go do things with his friends and all I want to do is leave him. 

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been living together? Are you both happy? When did he bring up "feeling trapped"? 

Are you considering separating or asking him to move out? What do you mean by "all I want to do is leave him"? 

[MissCanuck]

You two should not be in a relationship. 

He is with you by default, not because you were the one he genuinely wanted to share his life with. You want to leave him, and understandably so. But you have always known he was in love with someone else and didn't care much about you, so this is on both you and him. 

I would focus on freeing yourselves from this relationship and instead coming up with a co-parenting plan.  You can be good parents to your child and eventually move on to healthier romantic relationships as well. 

 

[Andrina]

1 hour ago, Nope1991 said:

He loves my kids and is a great dad to our 4 month old daughter, he is kid and considerate, we have so many hobbies we do togather, and i do love him.It has been almost a year of happiness.

 

1 hour ago, Nope1991 said:

He brought up feeling trapped because he can't go do things with his friends and all I want to do is leave him. Am I the A-hole?

I don't understand this because these 2 paragraphs contradict one another.

Even if it were a platonic friend cancelling plans because they have a better offer, a person who has healthy self-esteem would have dumped said friend immediately. You stuck around for more of that, showing how lowly you actually feel about yourself. A very sad situation for not only you, but for your children, because they face the consequences of you attracting, and being attracted to, toxic men.

The poor things, dealing with this circus of immature adults around them making poor decisions. A constant upheaval of instability.

The two of you should grow up and learn how healthy, mature couples act. When a couple becomes serious, yes, leisure activities and what they do with friends has to change if those activities and the types of friends they engage with are harmful to the primary relationship. I know what I did and who I hung out with when I was single and in community college was different than what I did and who I engaged with once I got a serious boyfriend. 

If you plan on breaking up with him, please stay away from the dating scene for several years. Your children need to adapt to a stable way of life where you're focusing on them instead of the next toxic man who will enter when you're clearly not ready to make good life choices. Continue with therapy. You have a lot of work to do on yourself.

[NighttimeNightmare]

2 hours ago, Nope1991 said:

He told me early on he didn't want a relationship because he was in love with his best friend

Well, there ya go.. 

2 hours ago, Nope1991 said:

I would come over and hang out, we did everything like we were dating, but he would still invite the "best friend" over to watch movies together or go our and get drunk alone

You felt like the two of you were dating, he felt like he was dating his best friend. 
 

2 hours ago, Nope1991 said:

He would do thongs like, we would make plans and he would call last minute because she would male plans. He would ditch me. I would be halfway there. It was a 35 minute drive. He would call me drunk and ask me to pick him up because she hurt him emotionally. This kind pseudo- relationship bull*** between them happened. I was understanding and then I started to fall in love with him.

I guess the big question is why did you “fall in love” with someone like this?  Did you feel like the two of you were connected and had the “true bond!” because he was using you to soothe himself emotionally?  
 

im not saying this in a judgemental way, I’m genuinely curious and also asking for some self-reflection there. Because everything you’ve written points to an emotionally unavailable person and to many that alone would have been a sign to leave it alone. 
 

but in spite of this guy clearly having the hots for another woman, you somehow “fell in love” with him. 
 

2 hours ago, Nope1991 said:

I genuinely fell in love with him. He is sexy, funny, nerdy, we have a ton in common,he's really great with my kids.

I get you enjoy/ed these attributes but there’s so much more needed to have a healthy, functioning, and mutual relationship. 

[Batya33]

I agree with Andrina. I would separate and co-parent.  I'm sorry you're in this situation and I know you want to act in the best interests of all your children.

[Nope1991]

3 hours ago, Andrina said:

 

I don't understand this because these 2 paragraphs contradict one another.

Even if it were a platonic friend cancelling plans because they have a better offer, a person who has healthy self-esteem would have dumped said friend immediately. You stuck around for more of that, showing how lowly you actually feel about yourself. A very sad situation for not only you, but for your children, because they face the consequences of you attracting, and being attracted to, toxic men.

The poor things, dealing with this circus of immature adults around them making poor decisions. A constant upheaval of instability.

The two of you should grow up and learn how healthy, mature couples act. When a couple becomes serious, yes, leisure activities and what they do with friends has to change if those activities and the types of friends they engage with are harmful to the primary relationship. I know what I did and who I hung out with when I was single and in community college was different than what I did and who I engaged with once I got a serious boyfriend. 

If you plan on breaking up with him, please stay away from the dating scene for several years. Your children need to adapt to a stable way of life where you're focusing on them instead of the next toxic man who will enter when you're clearly not ready to make good life choices. Continue with therapy. You have a lot of work to do on yourself.

I appreciate your advise, but maybe next time, try to be a little kinder. Belittling me and calling me immature isn't exactly helpful. But I appreciate the advise.

[Nope1991]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been living together? Are you both happy? When did he bring up "feeling trapped"? 

Are you considering separating or asking him to move out? What do you mean by "all I want to do is leave him"? 

We've been living together for a year, we were seeing each other for 3 and dating for 2. We are generally happy. We have similar interest and do a lot of those togather.he brought it up 2 days ago. I just feel lost and hurt and angry. 

[Nope1991]

8 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

You two should not be in a relationship. 

He is with you by default, not because you were the one he genuinely wanted to share his life with. You want to leave him, and understandably so. But you have always known he was in love with someone else and didn't care much about you, so this is on both you and him. 

I would focus on freeing yourselves from this relationship and instead coming up with a co-parenting plan.  You can be good parents to your child and eventually move on to healthier romantic relationships as well. 

 

I think you're right. It hurts to hear, but I appreciate your advise thank you.

[Kwothe28]

I am sorry but it is immature. You, with 2 kids from a previous marriage, decided to date someody who was just using you because he couldnt be with his best friend. And after all the times he disrespected you, you dont decide to leave for good, but you also make another baby with a guy like that. I wont say that he is a nice man because he certanly isnt with that kind of behavior. But he was honest with you. And it was you who decided that kind of a man, is a prime specimen for dating. And not just for dating, to also have kids with somebody like that.

Sometimes we need to get accountable for our own actions. And this one is on you and your choices alone. So you now have to live with the consequences of your choices.

[MissCanuck]

10 hours ago, Nope1991 said:

I just feel lost and hurt and angry. 

This is what happens when you involve yourself with a man who is in love with someone who isn't you. 

You need to do a much better job looking out for yourself and your own emotional well-being. It was a mistake to hang on to this man when there were glaringly obvious signs he wasn't really into you. Please, cut yourself loose from this. Work on your self-worth. Someday, when you are ready, you will meet a man who is crazy about you and only you. 

This man was never going to be him. 

[smackie9]

No one is the Ahole here...you are two people with two different expectations and should never have gotten together.

You can try this: Let him go hang out with his friends. Invite some of his friends over...try blending all this together. Social life and family life. My parents had parties all the time with us kids running around. We turned out alright.

[lostandhurt]

First off congratulations on the birth of your baby.  Secondly the baby is your first and foremost concern and all else is secondary at best.

 Breastfeeding does not exclude therapy and I strongly suggest you talk to your MD about halping you find a therapist asap.

  He didn't cheat and you know he didn't because he was open and honest from the start that he loved his friend and you chose to go along on the ride anyways.  That is on you, not him.

 I agree with smackie that you need to tell him he is free to hang out with his friends (all of them).  This will allow him to make his own choice on where he wants to be.  Father to your baby or chase after his childhood crush that has been using him as a back up plan all these years.

 Free will is the key here, not imposed rules to keep him around.  Let him show you what he wants instead of making him.

 Find a therapist to help you unpack all this so you can focus on being the best mommy you can.

 Lost

[Nope1991]

2 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

First off congratulations on the birth of your baby.  Secondly the baby is your first and foremost concern and all else is secondary at best.

 Breastfeeding does not exclude therapy and I strongly suggest you talk to your MD about halping you find a therapist asap.

  He didn't cheat and you know he didn't because he was open and honest from the start that he loved his friend and you chose to go along on the ride anyways.  That is on you, not him.

 I agree with smackie that you need to tell him he is free to hang out with his friends (all of them).  This will allow him to make his own choice on where he wants to be.  Father to your baby or chase after his childhood crush that has been using him as a back up plan all these years.

 Free will is the key here, not imposed rules to keep him around.  Let him show you what he wants instead of making him.

 Find a therapist to help you unpack all this so you can focus on being the best mommy you can.

 Lost

This was the best reply I've had thank you. I appreciate the way you presented was kind and honest. 

[LootieTootie]

This is messy... But if you both are willing to make it work, there's hope.

Some people do change after they have their own kids... they grow up. 

How many times do this friend group hang out? Does he want to hang out with them every week? I think when you have a young family, especially a newborn, and a mother who is going thru postpartum, both parents have to be heavily involved.

Are you afraid that if he hangs out with his friend group again, this might make him less engage/available to help you and the kids? 

[Nope1991]

On 1/6/2024 at 12:52 AM, Kwothe28 said:

I am sorry but it is immature. You, with 2 kids from a previous marriage, decided to date someody who was just using you because he couldnt be with his best friend. And after all the times he disrespected you, you dont decide to leave for good, but you also make another baby with a guy like that. I wont say that he is a nice man because he certanly isnt with that kind of behavior. But he was honest with you. And it was you who decided that kind of a man, is a prime specimen for dating. And not just for dating, to also have kids with somebody like that.

Sometimes we need to get accountable for our own actions. And this one is on you and your choices alone. So you now have to live with the consequences of your choices.

I understand where you're coming from. But I also know that I'm here seeking advise on a very painful subject. It not just a story. It's my life. I love my children and am a good mother. I was on birth control. All I'm saying is, there is a kinder more approachable way to handle giving advise. I don't disagree with your assessment, just the way you attacked me as a person and a mother. I understand you don't know me and you only have the information provided. I wish you the best but I think we forget we are taling to people. Real people. Please try to be kinder to people. The problem again is not the message but the way you presented it. 

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you. Do you have any family with whom you can live until you gain more clarity about what you want to do?

[Jaunty]

It all sounds very chaotic, like there is no stability anywhere.