Did I have the right?

[TacticalLinguine]

Hi all, 

 

Hope you’re all well and that you had a good start to the new year! 
 

When my ex and I were still together, I drew him a picture. Now, it wasn’t a simple doodle - this piece took me 2 months to make. I gave myself migraines staying up at night working on it because I wanted to finish it asap. It came out really nice. I don’t usually give myself enough credit, but that piece really was quite beautiful. 
 

I made it for a man I had faith in. He was struggling financially, stressed out, that’s why I drew it. When we broke up, I found out who he really is. A hopeless, drug addicted dealer. Completely delusional half of the time, a liar, and so on. I don’t really care anymore, I just want to be rid of him, but in a way I’m still putting up with his sh** because of this drawing thing. 
 

He never gave it back. My mother really liked the art piece, I was going to gift it to her (she knew who it was meant for in the first place), but he never gave it back. 
 

I suddenly find myself pissed off about this. I know it was a gift, but it wasn’t made for a low-life loser. Was I still out of line asking for it? I really don’t want him to have a genuine piece of me collecting dust in his closet (he never took it out when we were together). It took me 2 months of hard work!

[boltnrun]

If you gave it to him as a gift that means it belongs to him now. You could ask but he has every right to refuse. 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, TacticalLinguine said:

 Was I still out of line asking for it? 

Has he given it back to you? 

[LINDA]

try to ask for it politly and see how he reacts; it still a gift after all and it goes to him but if u asked politly maybe he would give it back

[TacticalLinguine]

8 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

If you gave it to him as a gift that means it belongs to him now. You could ask but he has every right to refuse. 

Not to sound like I’m throwing a temper tantrum, but that’s so lame! I put my heart and soul into that drawing, nevermind the expensive supplies I used, while he misled and lied the entire time. 

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Has he given it back to you? 

No :’)

4 minutes ago, LINDA said:

try to ask for it politly and see how he reacts; it still a gift after all and it goes to him but if u asked politly maybe he would give it back

I was quite polite asking for it. I suggested he leave it at the entrance of my apartment complex (his gym is right next to it) and asked him to offer an alternative if that wouldn’t do. 
 

What good does he get from hanging on to it? He never even took it out of the damn closet. 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, TacticalLinguine said:

 No :’). I suggested he leave it at the entrance of my apartment complex 

You may have to ask to collect it yourself from him by asking a time when you could go over and get it. 

[Batya33]

I agree with Wiseman -if you do ask for your gift back then you really shouldn't ask him to inconvenience himself by also delivering it.  It reminds me of when I ended an engagement and we were living together.  If I remember right I left my engagement ring - that was his now - the ring was a gift if we married.  But I also remember leaving other beautiful and expensive jewelry he'd gifted me.  Which he did not take.  Because those were gifts. 

Also please know that many couples give each other so much of their time professionally -so they may not create a work of art but they might help their partner with editing written work, spend hours on a resume, help their partner with interviews, buying clothes for interviews, giving important work presentations.  You don't get that time back either, you don't get that investment back either.  

I'm sorry you're upset and I'm sorry he did not appreciate your art work.  We all take chances on people including investing time, money, creativity, our hearts.  I'm really sorry it didn't work out in this situation.  I think it's ok to ask and see if you can go pick it up.  I hope it work out the way you want it to.

[Kwothe28]

22 minutes ago, TacticalLinguine said:

Not to sound like I’m throwing a temper tantrum, but that’s so lame! I put my heart and soul into that drawing, nevermind the expensive supplies I used, while he misled and lied the entire time. 

Its not lame, it was a gift. And as a gift, he has every right not to get back it to you. 

I would feel differently if you, for example, left some of your stuff at his place so you would want them back. That is a legitimate thing to ask back. But you gifted him a painting. Its his now no matter that you broke up later. 

[TacticalLinguine]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I agree with Wiseman -if you do ask for your gift back then you really shouldn't ask him to inconvenience himself by also delivering it.  It reminds me of when I ended an engagement and we were living together.  If I remember right I left my engagement ring - that was his now - the ring was a gift if we married.  But I also remember leaving other beautiful and expensive jewelry he'd gifted me.  Which he did not take.  Because those were gifts. 

Also please know that many couples give each other so much of their time professionally -so they may not create a work of art but they might help their partner with editing written work, spend hours on a resume, help their partner with interviews, buying clothes for interviews, giving important work presentations.  You don't get that time back either, you don't get that investment back either.  

I'm sorry you're upset and I'm sorry he did not appreciate your art work.  We all take chances on people including investing time, money, creativity, our hearts.  I'm really sorry it didn't work out in this situation.  I think it's ok to ask and see if you can go pick it up.  I hope it work out the way you want it to.

Well, he has other expensive gifts from me - I bought him a rare meteorite specimen for his birthday and some other things. Didn’t ask for them, just the drawing. I feel it goes deeper than just the price, I feel snubbed almost. I really didn’t know he’d lied to me about himself and what he was doing. I was so sincere, he took a dump on it (sorry, I’m angry). 
 

I sent him a message asking him to give me a time over the weekend for me to pick it up. We’ll see what he says. I thought taking 15 seconds to walk over to my apartment complex was no biggie, but I also asked him to offer up an alternative if that wouldn’t work. He didn’t say anything. 
 

I have a feeling he doesn’t have it anymore. Maybe he sold it or something, I wouldn’t even be surprised at this point. Even though it has the nickname he gave to me on the back of it and “easter eggs” referring to us and our relationship. 

6 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Its not lame, it was a gift. And as a gift, he has every right not to get back it to you. 

I would feel differently if you, for example, left some of your stuff at his place so you would want them back. That is a legitimate thing to ask back. But you gifted him a painting. Its his now no matter that you broke up later. 

It is lame. If I’d deceived somebody to this extent, I would feel sick with myself holding onto something genuine they did, out of spite or whatever it is. I’d prefer he just spit in my face. 
 

That drawing isn’t for HIM. It was for the man he pretended to be. That man doesn’t exist. 
 

I am angry. It’s just more disrespect. 

[Starlight925]

Offer to come pick it up.  Offer money for it.  

Yes, I know it was a gift, and yes, I know he turned out to be a completely different person from who you thought he was.  But we are living in reality, not in what "should be".

 

 

[Kwothe28]

8 minutes ago, TacticalLinguine said:

That drawing isn’t for HIM. It was for the man he pretended to be. That man doesn’t exist. 

You do realize that its the same man? Just because you are bitter at him now and think he deceived you, doesnt mean its two different men. He was always what you say he was. You just saw him in different light.

I am not against you feeling bitter at somebody who clearly hurted you. Anger is a part of the grief process. Just dont think that contacting him about the painting who you gifted to him is going to do you any better in that process. I am a generous gifter. I gifted a lot of stuff to my exes, friends etc. Who didnt really appreciated it. But you never ask the gift back. You gifted it to him as a personalized gift. Its just something you wanted to gift to them at the time. Its not something that you take away no matter how the feelings between you change.

[TacticalLinguine]

13 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

You do realize that its the same man? Just because you are bitter at him now and think he deceived you, doesnt mean its two different men. He was always what you say he was. You just saw him in different light.

I am not against you feeling bitter at somebody who clearly hurted you. Anger is a part of the grief process. Just dont think that contacting him about the painting who you gifted to him is going to do you any better in that process. I am a generous gifter. I gifted a lot of stuff to my exes, friends etc. Who didnt really appreciated it. But you never ask the gift back. You gifted it to him as a personalized gift. Its just something you wanted to gift to them at the time. Its not something that you take away no matter how the feelings between you change.

He claimed to work, to study, so on, in reality he was sitting home smoking pot, dealing to people and living off of his 18 year old brother and unemployment aid (he can work, just doesn’t want to). 
 

I think you understand when I say “two different people”. Yes in physical it’s the same man obviously, but that’s not what I mean, and I think you know that. Had he not turned out to be a lying loser, I would’ve had no problem leaving the drawing with him. 
 

It’s a piece of me. I don’t want him to have it! He can keep anything else.

[MissCanuck]

48 minutes ago, TacticalLinguine said:

If I’d deceived somebody to this extent, I would feel sick with myself holding onto something genuine they did

Acutally, probably not. Let me elaborate: if someone is that lacking in conscience that they deceive a loved one the way he deceived you, it wouldn't really bother them at all to hang on to a piece like this. They would certainly not feel sick with themselves, quite simply because they don't have the same moral compass that most do. It wouldn't register as being the wrong thing to do. 

Hence his indifference about still having it. I am not saying he is right, but you are framing this from a perspective of what you would do when you know very well this man is not like you at all. He is not going to operate the way you would, unforunately. 

I get why it upsets you. However, there is nothing you can do if he won't return it. You are going to have to make peace with your anger and resentment over it, much as that will suck. It will eat you alive otherwise, and this man is not worth it. 

[Jaunty]

Please let this go.  I understand how you're feeling, it's easy to relate to, but you are building up a whole big thing in your head about this picture.  

And you are still spending your time and emotional energy going through all the gory details of this loser guy who you broke up with in early November.  

Focussing on this picture and how he didn't appreciate it and it's gathering dust in his closet etc.  is like clinging onto him and all the toxic BS that you accepted through denial during your relationship.

I feel like if you got that picture back it would be WORSE for you instead of better.   What are you going to do with it?  Hang it on the wall?   As a constant reminder of him?

No matter how long you worked on it, it's still just an object.    Let go.

[Seraphim]

Can you recreate the picture for your mom?