Girlfriend did something I don't know if I can get over.

[Onion555]

I have been with my girlfriend for over a year. She is my best friend. I love her. Things are fine. But before we started dating she told me that she hooked up with her friends MOM! I laughed it off. But now it's all I can think of. When I picture my wife I don't picture someone who would do something like that! Would it be foolish of me to throw something so good away over this? 

[LootieTootie]

Hi Onion, Do you know why it has started bothering you?

[Onion555]

6 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

Hi Onion, Do you know why it has started bothering you?

Well. I don't think anyone wants to picture their SO having sex with their friends mom

[LootieTootie]

Okay, but it didnt bother you for a whole year you were dating her, right? Now it does. Do you know what changed that?

[Onion555]

21 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

Okay, but it didnt bother you for a whole year you were dating her, right? Now it does. Do you know what changed that?

Oh sorry. I misunderstood. It has bothered me the whole time. I just keep trying to ignore it. 

[LootieTootie]

Got it.

If you were bothered the whole time you were dating her but didnt voice it and didnt do anything to alleviate your concerns, then one, I think you need to ask yourself why you prolong this? Is there something else that bothers you about her? Or are you just someone who ignores and ignores until you can't ignore it any more? So yea, some self-reflection is needed.

And two, you need to have a heart to heart with her. Tell her the truth. That you can't picture your future wife as someone who has had a sexual intercourse with an older female. It's understandable. I've dated men before who told me they would never date a stripper/hooker or someone who have had a threesome (2 men and 1 female) because they just felt like it was below them and yea, it is judgmental but it's you being true to yourself.

Good luck.

[catfeeder]

What do you believe was her motive for telling you this?

[Onion555]

46 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

What do you believe was her motive for telling you this?

I don't really know. She kind of has a habit of being too honest sometimes. I set boundaries and told her I don't want to hear about stuff like that. She has respected the boundary. But it's been a year and it still bothers me. 

[catfeeder]

12 minutes ago, Onion555 said:

I don't really know. She kind of has a habit of being too honest sometimes. I set boundaries and told her I don't want to hear about stuff like that. She has respected the boundary. But it's been a year and it still bothers me. 

Well, context matters. Was she upset about and confessing, or was she proud of it and bragging?

"Too honest" can be another way of saying 'manipulative'.

[lostandhurt]

Is it the actual act of what she did or the fact that you keep visualizing it?

 People have pasts and sometimes they are not squeaky clean in other peoples opinions but does that make her a bad person? 

 She was single I assume and was intimate with another woman.  Does it matter who's mom it was?  What if it was some strangers mom?

 This is like talking about each others body count and then getting upset by the past when you were total strangers.  It isn't what they did, it is OUR reaction to what they did even if we had no involvement with them back then or not we act and feel like we did. The ego is a powerful part of us and causes us to make things about us when they really aren't.

 This is obviously your problem not hers so the question is can you get past yourself and continue or not?  If not then end it now so she can one day meet someone that accepts all of her, not just the easy to swallow parts of her past.

 Lost

[Onion555]

29 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Well, context matters. Was she upset about and confessing, or was she proud of it and bragging?

"Too honest" can be another way of saying 'manipulative'.

She was kind of proud I think. She made a joke. Something like "the kids on Xbox live who say 'I ***ed your mom' don't have anything on me" something like that. 

[Onion555]

14 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Is it the actual act of what she did or the fact that you keep visualizing it?

 People have pasts and sometimes they are not squeaky clean in other peoples opinions but does that make her a bad person? 

 She was single I assume and was intimate with another woman.  Does it matter who's mom it was?  What if it was some strangers mom?

 This is like talking about each others body count and then getting upset by the past when you were total strangers.  It isn't what they did, it is OUR reaction to what they did even if we had no involvement with them back then or not we act and feel like we did. The ego is a powerful part of us and causes us to make things about us when they really aren't.

 This is obviously your problem not hers so the question is can you get past yourself and continue or not?  If not then end it now so she can one day meet someone that accepts all of her, not just the easy to swallow parts of her past.

 Lost

Yes. I have thought a lot about this. Yes I do visualize it and can't stop it from popping in my head and it drives me crazy. But I also think It's a difference in values and morales for me. I just couldn't imagine doing that. Let alone telling someone I liked about it. 

[catfeeder]

12 minutes ago, Onion555 said:

But I also think It's a difference in values and morales for me. I just couldn't imagine doing that. Let alone telling someone I liked about it. 

How much of a difference in your values and morals if you voluntarily choose to stay with her?

Maybe you believed that someone who'd behave that way and brag about it had something wild to offer you, and maybe that ride is winding down?

[Onion555]

6 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

How much of a difference in your values and morals if you voluntarily choose to stay with her?

Maybe you believed that someone who'd behave that way and brag about it had something wild to offer you, and maybe that ride is winding down?

That's a great point. Honestly I liked her so much I was just willing to overlook it. But it's been weighing ya know?

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Onion555 said:

She was kind of proud I think. She made a joke. Something like "the kids on Xbox live who say 'I ***ed your mom' don't have anything on me" something like that. 

Sorry this is happening. How old is she? There's definitely some TMI going on. She seems immature and perhaps insecure tying to impress you with how "cool" she is that she's experimented with this and that.

Unfortunately it backfired and proved to be a turnoff rather than a turn on. If you feel your basic moral compasses are not aligned, you may have to let go and reflect if you're really compatible or not. 

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, Onion555 said:

I don't really know. She kind of has a habit of being too honest sometimes. I set boundaries and told her I don't want to hear about stuff like that. She has respected the boundary. But it's been a year and it still bothers me. 

That's not honesty -it's tacky oversharing.  I would not want to associate with a person who felt it was a good idea to share that.  I've known my husband since 1994.  Been married and together over 20 years. He and I do not know intimate details of each other's sex lives with anyone else.  Nor have we asked.  If he asked me (which would be really odd) I'd tell him it wasn't a good idea to go there.  

[Kwothe28]

Depends on how you look on it. For example, I believe its perfectly fine to break up over "body count" If that means your lifestyles dont match. Not everybody is going to be fine about the details such as that. 

Same with details such as yours. Not everybody is going to be fine if you sleped with your friends mom. Its a good porn scenario but in real life, its pretty messy. So if you are bothered by it, then you are bothered by it. There is no "cure" for stuff like that aside of you maybe get over it if you can. 

What is behind the fear? I get that the whole thing is complicated but why being bothered so much? Are you worrying she might do stuff like that again while she is with you? Are you worrying that her "bi" side(you never stated your gender but by the way you talk I am assuming man) might prevail? Or just morality of whole situation? 

[rainbowsandroses]

14 hours ago, Onion555 said:

I have been with my girlfriend for over a year. She is my best friend. I love her. Things are fine. But before we started dating she told me that she hooked up with her friends MOM! I laughed it off. But now it's all I can think of. When I picture my wife I don't picture someone who would do something like that!

^^I find it interesting that she told you this before you ever started dating, it didn't bother you then, you began dating and apparently never thought much about it.  You laughed it off.

But now an entire year later it bothers you?  

That was not a judgment, in fact I think it's it's pretty common for many people as the relationship deepens and you begin envisioning a future together.

Your comment about envisioning her as your "wife" is telling and may be related to your reaction now.

What this is all leading to is - what is really going on? 

Are you really bothered by this?

Or are you getting nervous, or gasp "scared" about the seriousness of the relationship after a year together and the possibe long term commitment?  

And this issue with her friend's mom which never bothered you before is a sort of ruse to disguise that fear?  And a reason to bail out?

Not saying it is, just something to consider. Again it's not uncommon. 

Emotional honesty within oneself is as important imo as being honest with your partner.

[Andrina]

From day one and continuing for an entire year, being bothered has continued to haunt you. It'd be foolish to think that feeling will now go away. If it were me, I'd free myself so I could eventually meet someone whose past doesn't bring up icky feelings.

[rainbowsandroses]

13 hours ago, Onion555 said:

Oh sorry. I misunderstood. It has bothered me the whole time. I just keep trying to ignore it. 

You said you laughed it off.  How does that translate to it bothering you?

And why bring it up now, an entire year after the fact?  

Doesn't make sense unless you were in some sort of denial which still begs the question, why now after an entire year?

There's something else going on, something deeper. 

Is she starting to talk about a long term commitment?  Marriage?  Or is that something you have been thinking about and the idea of it scares you?

Think about it.  

 

[lostandhurt]

11 hours ago, Onion555 said:

Yes. I have thought a lot about this. Yes I do visualize it and can't stop it from popping in my head and it drives me crazy. But I also think It's a difference in values and morales for me. I just couldn't imagine doing that. Let alone telling someone I liked about it. 

Then there is your answer.  Her morals and values do not align with yours.  But that is who she was back then, has she changed?  Was it a one off thing?

 I do agree it is one thing to actually do it but then to go around telling others you did it gives me the impression this is how she views these types of intimate situations like it is no big deal.

  Perhaps you wanted this to work so badly that you kept overlooking the mismatch hoping it would somehow get better over time.  It doesn't seem like it has.

 Lost

[Seraphim]

I don’t think this relationship will work out . She wants to be “ avant-garde, sexually risqué and laugh about it “ and you don’t like it . That is something very hard to overcome. 

[smackie9]

This should have been a deal breaker. Turnoffs seem to have a habit of snuffing out the attraction immediately with me. I guess you just got a delayed reaction. I'm thinking what else does she have in her closet that might jump out when you least expect it. 

[shouldhavelearned]

You knew who she was when you started dating 

[Onion555]

7 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

You said you laughed it off.  How does that translate to it bothering you?

And why bring it up now, an entire year after the fact?  

Doesn't make sense unless you were in some sort of denial which still begs the question, why now after an entire year?

There's something else going on, something deeper. 

Is she starting to talk about a long term commitment?  Marriage?  Or is that something you have been thinking about and the idea of it scares you?

Think about it.  

 

This is a great point and thank you for the feedback. To clear some things up: it has always bothered me. I told her I don't ever want to hear about things like that a few days after she said it because it was bothering me so much. She has been respectful of the boundary. It has bothered me for the duration of the relationship. I just try not to think about it. But a lot of the time it comes as an intrusive thought. My intention for dating has always been marriage. But the more I think about her story the more I get repulsed by the idea. Everything else in the relationship is great, but this is still really bothering me.