Did I get played??

[Batya33]

You attempted an insta relationship. It doesn't matter if she lived across the hall.  When my husband and I originally met at work and when we started dating it was once or  twice a week to start then a couple times a week and a couple of emails/phone call during the day (mid 1990s) -we got to know each other at a reasonable pace - geography shouldn't affect that.

After less than 2 months you typically don't know how the person reacts to a bad cold (yours or hers), to work stress, to work promotions, to various holidays/birthdays/vacations, to power outages, bad weather, meeting family, friends, extended family, work colleagues, losing or changing a job, etc.

[Lambert]

2 hours ago, anotherday29 said:

if I knew it was to much I'd of backed off a bit,

You know now. Sorry.

I know how you feel.  I liked the guy I was seeing. I thought it might have been a pretty good relationship. And that's his loss. Just like it's her loss 

Losing someone that is cruel is a win!

Listen there's no rush.  let it be. Don't push her farther away. Maybe she needs to grow up. That you can't do anything about. 

You might meet someone better. Be cool and get back to the gym. Do some push ups. The humble push up. the best full body exercise - no equipment or giant space needed!

[Lambert]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

You attempted an insta relationship. It doesn't matter if she lived across the hall.  When my husband and I originally met at work and when we started dating it was once or  twice a week to start then a couple times a week and a couple of emails/phone call during the day (mid 1990s) -we got to know each other at a reasonable pace - geography shouldn't affect that.

After less than 2 months you typically don't know how the person reacts to a bad cold (yours or hers), to work stress, to work promotions, to various holidays/birthdays/vacations, to power outages, bad weather, meeting family, friends, extended family, work colleagues, losing or changing a job, etc.

Great points! I agree.

[anotherday29]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

You attempted an insta relationship. It doesn't matter if she lived across the hall.  When my husband and I originally met at work and when we started dating it was once or  twice a week to start then a couple times a week and a couple of emails/phone call during the day (mid 1990s) -we got to know each other at a reasonable pace - geography shouldn't affect that.

After less than 2 months you typically don't know how the person reacts to a bad cold (yours or hers), to work stress, to work promotions, to various holidays/birthdays/vacations, to power outages, bad weather, meeting family, friends, extended family, work colleagues, losing or changing a job, etc.

And Instagram relationship?????

 

Nooo far from it, I don't really use social media as I find it creates problems in relationships. 

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, anotherday29 said:

And Instagram relationship?????

 

Nooo far from it, I don't really use social media as I find it creates problems in relationships. 

LOL. Insta meaning instant relationship.  You skipped all the relationship stages of getting to know someone for an instant relationship - you played house/played at being a couple with someone you didn't know well.  For example -what are her views on being a mother and/or abortion? Does she know in detail  what you would do if she became pregnant? Do you know if she might be? Plus all the other stuff I mentioned.

[MissCanuck]

I can’t add much that others haven’t already covered, but I concur that this was all way too much for a woman you barely know. 

And please don’t reach out again. She’s been very clear that she does not want to hear from you, so you need to listen and respect her wishes even if you don’t agree. Just stop. 

[anotherday29]

45 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

LOL. Insta meaning instant relationship.  You skipped all the relationship stages of getting to know someone for an instant relationship - you played house/played at being a couple with someone you didn't know well.  For example -what are her views on being a mother and/or abortion? Does she know in detail  what you would do if she became pregnant? Do you know if she might be? Plus all the other stuff I mentioned.

We actually did talk about stuff like this, 

She asked me would I want a family one day and my response was yes. I'd love to have children a wife one day, an she also agreed, but tbh after some reflection I believe it was a bit to fast too soon, she was only recently single, she said she was 2/3 months out of a years relationship..

I think the buzz of Christmas and me an her spending time together so frequently, made me want to spoil her an feel like a relationship 

[Jaunty]

I'm sorry you're hurting.  

Yes, "too much too soon."  I'm not saying that is why things did not work out but it is one of the reasons you feel so devastated and probably also why she cut you off so coldly.  

When she was into it it was all feeling good but then once she realized it was not going to work for her there was no being gentle about it.

I don't think she was "gold digging."  But the shower of gifts etc. would put an element in play that did not need to be there in early dating stages especially.

Take it slower next time and let yourself and the woman get to learn about each other over time.  

I strongly suggest not reaching out, too.  She knows you want her back.  Maybe in a few months.

[anotherday29]

5 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I'm sorry you're hurting.  

Yes, "too much too soon."  I'm not saying that is why things did not work out but it is one of the reasons you feel so devastated and probably also why she cut you off so coldly.  

When she was into it it was all feeling good but then once she realized it was not going to work for her there was no being gentle about it.

I don't think she was "gold digging."  But the shower of gifts etc. would put an element in play that did not need to be there in early dating stages especially.

Take it slower next time and let yourself and the woman get to learn about each other over time.  

I strongly suggest not reaching out, too.  She knows you want her back.  Maybe in a few months.

Thank you for your message.

 

I honestly just felt like she wanted it the way things was going, like she asked me if we could get a Christmas tree together an decorate it, so I assumed she was enjoying herself like I was. I wouldn't of acted so forward if I knew she wasn't feeling it the same, but now I know. 

[lostandhurt]

Right now just back off and get back to your life.  Do not try and contact her, keep going to places you think you might bump into her or anything.  Just become a ghost to her.

 There was something between you so let time give you the possibility of a second chance. She may miss you and one day reach out but that doesn't mean you should pause your life and wait for her.  It sounds like you have a great life going for you so enjoy it and who knows you just might meet someone else in real life once again.

 I get that it felt right and really good and you were excited to finally meet someone you wanted to be with but we can only control our side of these things and when they end we feel like we have zero control. 

 Don't beat yourself up over this but do learn from it all.

  It is so hard to meet that special person you have been searching for and when they slip away it stings and makes you question everything.  You attracted her, she was into you and you had some good times so it wasn't a total loss.

  Good on you for stepping up and asking for her number in the first place.  Keep that up, be bold and be brave and before you know it you will be on here telling us about a wonderful woman you just met.

 Lost

[rainbowsandroses]

49 minutes ago, anotherday29 said:

like she asked me if we could get a Christmas tree together and decorate it...

That's fun!  And perfectly fine.

I can't speak for other women, but when a man I have just begun dating (first couple of months as in your case) is showering me with money and gifts, suggesting elaborate trips and lavishing me with over-the-top attention, I find it insulting.  

The message it sends is that he must assume I would be impressed by this, which is pretty much the exact opposite of who I am.

That's not to say I don't appreciate when a man makes effort, but such effort should be proportionate to the stage we're in.

Otherwise it comes off as phony, contrived, fake, trying too hard to impress, suffocating and a turn off. 

It also sends the message that he must not think too highly of himself and needs to compensate for his own lack of self-worth through money and gifts etc.

So going forward please be aware of that, and how your behavior is being received.

Even if she seems to enjoy it, it can eventually become overwhelming and things can change on a dime -  for both people. Especially during early stages. 

There is a saying "slow down, even if you think yours is the romance of the century, you have a century to enjoy it."

Pace yourself. 😀

[MissCanuck]

OP, it’s also up to you to pace yourself when dating. It is not as though you should just go along with someone else who appears to be moving too fast as well. 

Dive-bombing into a new romance is never wise, no matter who initiates it. 

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, anotherday29 said:

I honestly just felt like she wanted it the way things was going, like she asked me if we could get a Christmas tree together an decorate it, so I assumed she was enjoying herself like I was. 

All of this does not matter.  It's not like you did something "wrong" that wrecked things because of "too much too soon."  You just made the relationship too huge for the amount of time and connection the two of you had put in.

She probably did like the way it was all going ... until she didn't.

In early stages of dating (actually in ALL stages, but especially in early ones) anyone can and should feel free to cancel at any time.   

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, anotherday29 said:

think the buzz of Christmas and me an her spending time together so frequently, made me want to spoil her an feel like a relationship 

Why do you choose to spoil someone you barely know and why do you think this should be part of a healthy relationship?  Nothing made you.  Your choice.

[anotherday29]

31 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why do you choose to spoil someone you barely know and why do you think this should be part of a healthy relationship?  Nothing made you.  Your choice.

Because I have a big heart, I'm doing well in terms of money, and I wanted too feel the joy of Christmas together 

[boltnrun]

6 minutes ago, anotherday29 said:

Because I have a big heart, I'm doing well in terms of money, and I wanted too feel the joy of Christmas together 

You can have a big heart and feel the joy of Christmas without going overboard with money and luxurious gifts and spa trips. 

One of my favorite gifts was when a good friend hand crocheted me a scarf. That has way more meaning than a Coach bag or a trip to a Mediterranean spa. 

[Jaunty]

Personally I have no gripe with the spoiling ... but a lot of questions as to why you continue to bring it up here, detailing the gifts etc.

Were you in "give to get" mode?  And now all spun out because it didn't pay off like you'd planned?

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, anotherday29 said:

Because I have a big heart, I'm doing well in terms of money, and I wanted too feel the joy of Christmas together 

I agree with Bolt. I don’t think it needs to involve $. You can use your big heart and suggest the two of you volunteering together at a church soup kitchen. 

[rainbowsandroses]

5 hours ago, anotherday29 said:

Because I have a big heart, I'm doing well in terms of money, and I wanted too feel the joy of Christmas together. 

Okay but again, you need to be aware of how all your over-the-top attention, money, gifts etc. is being received and the message it sends to many women.  Some women may love it, but during the early stages it's best to err on the side of caution and give less; make effort and give proportionate to the stage you're in.

I find that so many people don't understand this, they think only of themselves and act on their own excitement.  Like in your case, you stated you were excited, you have a big heart, you wanted to feel the joy together, you wanted to give her "things" to show or prove how joyful you felt.

What about HER?  Did she factor into this at all, or was it all about you?  If she's anything like me, she most likely felt like you needed to "buy" her love versus simply being yourself without all the extravagances. 

I disagree with whomever said it was not your behavior that turned her off.  I think there is a strong possibility it was your behavior at least in part.  For the reasons I have stated.

It really does reflect poorly on you imo.  How thirsty/needy you are for that "insta" relationship Batya mentioned, your need to compensate for your own low self-worth through gift/money giving, etc.

NOT that you actually feel that way, but that is the message it sends. 

I don't mean to sound harsh, but it's not a good look.  And I hope moving forward you will reconsider behaving this way and slow your roll.

That said, I too am sorry things didn't work out, but there is a lesson to be learned from this, and for that reason,  try to see it as positive.

May sound hokey but life is all about, learning, growing, evolving. 

All the best moving forward. 

 

 

[NighttimeNightmare]

On 12/27/2023 at 1:17 PM, anotherday29 said:

Her mom was super excited for us, like she was saying we look so great together..

[…]

The girl herself was actually telling me she was having talks with her mom quite regularly about me, and she's happy.. so I'm still kinda speechless 

At 7 weeks in, this isn’t romantic, or a sign of compatibility and strength, it’s intense, it’s scary, and it’s foreboding of eventual disaster.  When things go up quickly, they come down just as quickly. So, you shouldn’t be speechless, the writing was on the wall. Maybe you’ve never been in this situation and it caught you off guard, but the good news is, now you can avoid it in the future. 

build a relationship with someone slowly and with meaning. Not with overt romantic gestures, and ostentatious romance words. It’s not that those things are bad in and of themselves, but in the context that you did it, you were playing house with a stranger and your house had 0 foundation.  Maybe she was naive too, rather than nefarious, sometimes two people just don’t know any better 

 

[anotherday29]

13 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I agree with Bolt. I don’t think it needs to involve $. You can use your big heart and suggest the two of you volunteering together at a church soup kitchen. 

I did 🙃 I bought loads of thick jumpers and gave them out in the city centre for the homeless..

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, anotherday29 said:

I did 🙃 I bought loads of thick jumpers and gave them out in the city centre for the homeless..

That's so thoughtful! And it sounds like you were trying to buy this new person in your life -that's not related to a big heart.

[Cookie24]

I'm sorry you're going through this.. but, listen.. there's no point in trying to analyze what happened because you'll never get the closure you want. It could be anything and it's only her who could tell you what's REALLY going on inside her head..and I wouldn't count on that much either. You should just swallow your pride, pull yourself together, stop contacting her at all, and give yourself some time to heal.  This "lovely" girl wasn't even down to some mature talk, everything was over in a matter of minutes for her..so why bother? Life is too short to analyze what people do to us. 

[anotherday29]

2 hours ago, Cookie24 said:

I'm sorry you're going through this.. but, listen.. there's no point in trying to analyze what happened because you'll never get the closure you want. It could be anything and it's only her who could tell you what's REALLY going on inside her head..and I wouldn't count on that much either. You should just swallow your pride, pull yourself together, stop contacting her at all, and give yourself some time to heal.  This "lovely" girl wasn't even down to some mature talk, everything was over in a matter of minutes for her..so why bother? Life is too short to analyze what people do to us. 

What gets me down so much, is when she asked me how I feel about her, because I apparently seemed a bit distanced the one day, and she was telling me she wants to give her time an love for me, but she's scared I'll hurt her, so I reassured her I won't, then she breaks it off with me in seconds, wouldn't even give me the time to see her, just blocked an spoken to like crap

[Jaunty]

I think it's time that you put a boundary up for yourself and stop going over and over this.

Yes, you feel hurt and this feeling won't just disappear, but you are to the point of ruminating now, going over and over every detail and wallowing.  

Get busy with other things and when you find yourself thinking or getting ready to post about whatever she said or did, replace that with something else.