Relationship equals ultimatum

[CaptainSingle]

I have been dating a guy for four months. Everything was going well until I brought up wanting to see him more, talk more, or have some sort of progression. I like him a lot but I was feeling like we weren’t moving forward. I even asked about our relationship status. His response was that he didn't have more to give than what he has already given. He also got upset and said that he didn’t like when people gave him ultimatums. But I didn’t! I opened up dialogue about us moving forward…some change for what I thought was the better. Also something I thought that we both wanted. I communicated that to him, basically expressed my feelings and he has ghosted me! I’m really hurt because things were going so well and I don’t understand how me wanting to move forward is an ultimatum or how he could just ignore me without even thinking enough of me to provide a response. He said he didn’t understand why I was the one who got to decide what happened with us next. I’m confused. Completely confused. ImI don’t think I’m wrong for expressing my feelings but I have no clue why he reacted the way he did. 

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, CaptainSingle said:

I have been dating a guy for four months. Everything was going well until I brought up wanting to see him more, talk more, or have some sort of progression.  His response was that he didn't have more to give than what he has already given. He also got upset and said that he didn’t like when people gave him ultimatums. 

Sorry this is happening.  16 weeks dating is the observation period and unfortunately you two weren't on the same page. 

It seems like you dodged a bullet because he was just coasting along sort of indifferently.  Set yourself free. Delete and block him. 

[spinstermanquee]

55 minutes ago, CaptainSingle said:

I have been dating a guy for four months. Everything was going well until I brought up wanting to see him more, talk more, or have some sort of progression

Captain, he's not into you.  He is blocking any kind of further "integration"

Your own counsel has already alerted you and you seem pretty intuitive.  Please respond accordingly and don't waste any more time on this dude.

Hearts and hugs.

[Coily]

Up until his ghosting, I was thinking maybe the two of you were having a conflict of communication styles. Possibly he took “I want progress” as you moving in, etc, etc.

However it’s painfully clear he was okay with the status quo and really didn’t think he wanted to invest more into companionship. Which that’s all it was to him.

You saved yourself a lot of time, and hopefully some lessons for the next better guy.

[rainbowsandroses]

4 hours ago, CaptainSingle said:

Everything was going well until I brought up wanting to see him more, talk more, or have some sort of progression. I like him a lot but I was feeling like we weren’t moving forward. I even asked about our relationship status. His response was that he didn't have more to give than what he has already given. He also got upset and said that he didn’t like when people gave him ultimatums.

Well, I don't know what's going on in his head but it's possible that he took your desire for more (more time, more effort, more commitment, more everything) as a complaint against him.  That HE wasn't giving enough and you weren't happy.

From what I know about guys including my brothers, two of whom I am very close with, they like to make their girlfriends happy, they like to know that what they're giving is enough.  When they find out it's not enough and she's not happy, they take that as a personal insult against them.  

Essentially, that they are not good enough, it makes them feel like utter crap.  As a result, they shut down and don't want to give anything!  In your case, he ghosted you.

My advice has always been that the first few months is the observation period.  During this time you're evaluating if he's the right fit for you.  You don't ask for more, you simply observe if he is able to give more, give what YOU need.  If not, you wish him well and look for a man who can give you what YOU need.

I never really understood asking because frankly had he wanted to give more (from his heart which is where it counts) he would be, WITHOUT you having to ask.  Right?  

Let this one go.  You simply weren't the right fit, that's all. 

I'm sorry.

 

[Cherylyn]

When he told you that you were giving him ultimatums,  he was gaslighting you which is the oldest trick in the book.  He manipulated the conversation to force you to question if there was something wrong with you.  Never fall for this twisted narrative.  Don't be tricked into it.

When he told you that he can't give more than he has meant that everything is "as is" with no future in mind especially if you're wondering about commitment and / or  marriage, for example.   

He's shutting you down.  Perhaps he's not for you long term because he's not a good communicator nor does he have intentions to share a bright or promising future with you.  Both of you have personality and character differences.  It's a mismatch. 

[Batya33]

He’s only feeling pressured because he’s not that into you. In March 2007 I said to bf - I think we should start trying to conceive now.  He said “ok but if we did would we definitely get married and sooner ?”  I said yes!” Now think about it. Your bf would consider those both ultimatums and pressure. Big time. Literally I was asking him to try to become a father right then not just in the future and he was telling me ok but only if we’re definitely getting married 

Neither felt pressured because we wanted to be together and sure sometimes one person has to bring up what’s needed to move things along. It’s normal. Not pressure. 

[shouldhavelearned]

He didn't want it and is missing out.

 

Move on 

[catfeeder]

Awww, that sucks, and I'm sorry. When you first started dating did you each establish what you are seeking from dating? That's an important question for screening out bad matches, especially if one is seeking a committed relationship while the other is into 'casual'.

Speaking only for myself, I'm up front about being relationship material, and I ask outright whether a man views himself the same way. If he's not a clear 'yes' on that, I'll respect his honesty--but we won't even have a second date. I'm not out to try to convert anyone who doesn't share my goals.

This guy didn't share your goals. If he deceived you by pretending that he did from the start, I'm so sorry. But his response was so defensive and bizarre, it sounds as though he somehow believed that you had agreed to something more casual in the beginning?

That's not a good idea. Know yourself and What You Want out of dating, and don't settle for anything less, no matter how much you like someone.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

[Kwothe28]

I think you did OK. And just wanted to know where it was going. It was him who didnt wanted this to go beyond casually seeing each other. Hence why your confusion. He made a big scene about you wanting something pretty normal. Because, sadly, he wasnt that into you and wanted just to see casually. Some people are like that whether because they arent that into you or just dont want to commit to anyone in general. For example, if you examined his relationship history I wouldnt be surprised he maybe dodged serious relationships. Since he made such a huge fuss about you wanting one. 

In any case, you did dodged a huge bullet. You maybe dont see it right now but if you wanted serious commitment, this one wasnt the guy for that. And you should be glad its over. 

[smackie9]

Things weren't going well enough, so you had to broach the subject. His reaction....you dodged a bullet. Block/delete/ go no contact.

[Cherylyn]

It sounds like you're both just wasting everyone's time.  He's not "the one." ☹️

[LootieTootie]

On 12/20/2023 at 4:53 PM, CaptainSingle said:

 His response was that he didn't have more to give than what he has already given. He also got upset and said that he didn’t like when people gave him ultimatums. 

He treats you crappy and tells you off and when you ask him an honest question about the relationship, he gaslights you by saying you're giving him ultimatums. What a solid guy. NOT!

I love your name, OP. But darling, you need to stop wasting your time and energy on men who do not know your worth. He's a coward and a user. Do better for yourself by blocking this man and not giving him any more of your energy, body and space. He's a big EWW.

 

[reinventmyself]

You were asking something of him that made him uncomfortable and unable to give.  Call it what you want but stating your needs (in the right way) is never wrong.  If it made him run, then you just hold the door for him.  No reason to continue doing things on his terms if it wasn't meeting your needs.

Don't forget, the right guy would jump at the chance.   It just wasn't him.